Nice meltdown

[Marina9]

I was just having dinner, talking to my mom about all this things i've been through since the past almost two years now, quitting lots of bad vicious that were not good for me, and the most important thing, finding myself...

It's been a couple of days of lots of thinking, all the things bad and good i've done and all the ups and downs this rollercoaster has given me... All of a sudden I started bursting into tears, but they were tears of happiness.. I really don't know how to explain the exact feeling but you may get it.. (hope so) looking at my past how messy I was with everything, relationships, family, my eating disorder, "friends", made me realize and think how different im feeling, from that past Marina I was.. When I first started making all this changes it was pretty hard, and went back to old vicious cicles very fast... It's been a long way, and I have much more plenty to do, especially with my self-esteem problems and trust.

It's a month almost for my b-day so maybe that's what got me thinking of all this changes happening right now. I can say i'm happy with my life now, but also realizing how much things i've to get done which I thought I didn't have to before..

I think sometimes I didn't realize how that old me is totally the opposite from what im finding to be, that's being a new discovery and adventure... I can't say all days im happy, but what makes me keep going on is all this days were I am happy and I know how good that feels, and how it's all worth it, the more I help myself the more I could help others. Once my therapist told me why I thought everyone was judging my body (talking about my disorder), she then asked me if I used to do that to others, and I realized how this was true... I talked about other's people image a lot.

So yes, it's been a rollercoaster, but today im feeling grateful for the family I have, my mom, and brother who introduced me to the Forum and all the knowledge he has passed to me so I could help myself, I used to not listen to them at all and think I was doing just fine, but when I think back in time all this things they were saying were the ones I needed the most...

 

[sToRmR1dR]

The family is a base, enjoy in every single moment, is priceless. :)

 

[whitecoast]

I feel so happy for you Padme90. It's amazing that we can feel like a completely different person over time after working so hard on small day-to-day steps to change our reality. Every little decision helps get us there. :)

 

[luc]

I feel so happy for you Padme90. It's amazing that we can feel like a completely different person over time after working so hard on small day-to-day steps to change our reality. Every little decision helps get us there. :)

Second that Padme90, congratulations on your progress!

I think sometimes I didn't realize how that old me is totally the opposite from what im finding to be, that's being a new discovery and adventure... I can't say all days im happy, but what makes me keep going on is all this days were I am happy and I know how good that feels, and how it's all worth it, the more I help myself the more I could help others. Once my therapist told me why I thought everyone was judging my body (talking about my disorder), she then asked me if I used to do that to others, and I realized how this was true... I talked about other's people image a lot.

Very well put - when I'm depressed, I also tell myself that it will pass, I know it will pass, that it's just part of life, and I think we can use this pain - transform it in some kind of alchemical process - to do something useful for others, and become much happier ourselves as a consequence. Thanks for sharing!

 

[herondancer]

It sound like your tears were cathartic. The fact that you've had this so close to your birthday might mean that you viscerally recognize how different you've become. It's wonderful you have such a supportive family around you as you discover more about yourself. Onwards!

 

[Marina9]

Thanks so much everyone for your nice messages, yes, it was quite cathartic. Everything happened after some conversations I had with someone I care about, and I appreciate that even though we were not talking about this exact exact issues it made me realize lots of good things about myself that i don't usually think off..

I still have a loong way to go, and today Im feeling quite tired but at the same time reliefed :D

You guys are amazing, thanks for all the knowledge u've all put together so we can find ourselves!

 

[syldan]

Padme90 - It's been a couple of days of lots of thinking, all the things bad and good i've done and all the ups and downs this rollercoaster has given me... All of a sudden I started bursting into tears, but they were tears of happiness.. I really don't know how to explain the exact feeling but you may get it.. (hope so) looking at my past how messy I was with everything, relationships, family, my eating disorder, "friends", made me realize and think how different im feeling, from that past Marina I was.. When I first started making all this changes it was pretty hard, and went back to old vicious cicles very fast... It's been a long way, and I have much more plenty to do, especially with my self-esteem problems and trust.

I think many can relate to this Padme90, if i may share a little from my own transformation, i spent the past six years completely reversing my habits, personality, approach to life, relationships with family and friends, and children from one end (dark) of the spectrum, to it's opposite. I spent many evenings crying myself to sleep, And the next day, i would make a list of things i needed to tell people that i care about, to make sure i would not forget to insist that i was wrong about just about everything. Slowly but surely, i started gaining confidence again.

But it took a complete undoing of who i thought i was, in order to start anew. And it is not a simple thing to do, or adjust to. Accepting that my entire life i had purposefully used everyone for my own agenda. I too, feel that there still is a long way to go, before i can be the one i wish to share with others. This has completely changed my relationship with my parents. And even if i ran away from my environment at age 18, only to return 20 years later, it is as if i had to set things right, otherwise i would not have been able to live anymore. Today, even though it is not always easy, my parents have become my close friends, even more than my children, who i still have a lot of work to do with.

Do not give up, each one of us deserves to be happy and strong in the face of the adversity we have created for ourselves. There comes a time, when the idea that everything and everyone was God, and that i was surrounded by it, always, and only it, became a true to life sensation, This, i tend to forget often but when i get that feeling it is the most powerful sensation of peace. Indescribable with words. Thank you for sharing your transformation with us.

 

[Marina9]

Thanks a lot for sharing this with us romochar. I agree that doing it or adjusting is very difficult sometimes.. I sometimes still feel very "funny" with my own.. but this is also part of the changes, I think that whenever you feel odd about you it's when ur doing the things in the right way.

I believe sometimes people don't think changes are possible or they get caught up in other things not caring about themselves, or just loose hope on them.. but this makes me ask myself.. If we loose hope on us, how can we aspire to have a better world, to create positive things?

My family has been a key to this transformation too, I used to back them away from my life, but now at my almost 25's I love spending time with my mom who is now my best friend, my brother and my sister in law. I've know we are a small family but one that's always there for each other... I know the road is bumpy, but not matter what we have to keep on going romochar :D

Im glad things are better for you romochar, and don't give up :) we have lots of work to do!

 

[syldan]

Parme90 - My family has been a key to this transformation too, I used to back them away from my life, but now at my almost 25's I love spending time with my mom who is now my best friend, my brother and my sister in law. I've know we are a small family but one that's always there for each other... I know the road is bumpy, but not matter what we have to keep on going romochar

That is a great news Padme90, my mother saved my life by nagging me until i saw what she was saying. And she is my best friend today also. You are right when you say that the friction is a barometer with which we can tell if we are doing the right things.

I once read a very old book, written originally in Hebrew that said something like this: "If I am not for me. Who will be, and when?", and that has stuck to me since! And whenever i see myself slipping back into self-criticism, or nonchalance about what is best for my body and soul, i remember the saying.

Now, when speaking with anyone, if i ever hear someone speak badly or bad mouth their parents, for whatever reason, i know that i should steer clear of them. Because even if it were true, it costs the same to say something good about a person when they are not there. Especially if their parents have passed! The light goes red in the back of my head spelling: trouble!