The Dangers of Heavy Thinking
By an ex-heavy thinker who wishes to remain anonymous
It started out innocently enough...
I began to think at parties now and then – just to loosen up.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a ‘social thinker.’ I began to think alone - 'to relax', I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my partner about the meaning of life. That was the first of many nights she spent at her mother's!
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to disappear into the ‘library’ at lunch time so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.
I would return to the office dizzied and confused, and asking, 'What is it exactly we are doing here?' One day the boss called me in.
He said, 'Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job.' That gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. 'Honey,' I confessed, 'I've been thinking...'
'I know you've been thinking', she said, 'and I want a divorce!'
'But Honey, surely it's not that serious.'
'YES IT IS SERIOUS!', she screamed, lower lip aquiver. 'You’re thinking now as much as a college professor, and college professors don't make any money. And if you keep on thinking like this, WE won't have any money!'
'That's a faulty syllogism', I said impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
'I'm going to the library', I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some strong Nietzsche, or even just a philosophical treatise, or a short critical essay!.
I roared into the parking lot, leapt out of the car, and ran up to the big glass doors.
They didn't open. The library was closed. I had reached the absolute nadir of my life...
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for a copy of Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.
'Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?' it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
Now I never miss a TA meeting.
At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was Porky's.
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
Our motto is 'never have an original thought in your head’, and we take it one step at a time.
I am now at a point where I can deny cause and effect, thoughtlessly debunk ‘cutting edge’ scientific discoveries, ignore critical analyses on any topic, and say a polite ‘no thank you’ to offered logic.
Instead, I now idolize industry and business and commerce, the media, and all forms of entertainment (as long as it is ‘think free’ and trivial) and always think I am the only one who is right...
I have a firm faith that my Government, Church and Employer are looking after me and are really concerned about me, and that they are God's rule on earth.
Luckily I found Thinker’s Anonymous and began recovery before I had lost my job. In fact, my change of attitude has even resulted in a promotion and a commensurate pay increase!
And things are a lot better at home.
Then the real turning point came for me. A real ‘Damascus Road’ kind of experience! I simply realised one morning as I walked across the car park to my office, how much easier life is when one simply STOPS THINKING!
I want to shout it from the rooftops to all the heavy thinkers still suffering needlessly out there. I want to shout: “You can stop! Millions of people just like you live their whole lives without ever thinking! Without ever feeling the need to think! You can too! Life can become good again! Put all the despair behind you now!”
But, I realise sadly, that it is the ‘heavy thinker’ himself who must take the first step toward giving up thinking if he ever wants to experience a comfortable, thoughtless state of mind again!
And for myself? … Well, I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me…
… today, I registered to vote!