Oldie but goodie

Joe

Joe

Administrator
Administrator
Moderator
FOTCM Member
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150."
 
This one is even better:

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied

"Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"
 
Or, diverging a bit but retaining the animal connection:

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot no matter what he says to you!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
 
Here is two good ones I received today:


Typical Bloke
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to
take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the
most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get
here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of
the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found
if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the
hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing,
she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he
nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up
the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare
ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.

Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still
dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would
you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the
woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in
the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes
into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of
tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on
to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many
months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel
like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares
into his eyes ...

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..........." he swallows
excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes ".....don't tell me
you've got Sky Sports as well?"
 
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating
table. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like mechanics. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

BUT, the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong... Politicians are the easiest to operate on....... There's no guts, no heart, and no spine .... and....the head and butt are
interchangeable."
 
Here's a story someone once sent to me where lawyers don't always win:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Best Lawer Story Of The Year

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in "a series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the quote; fires.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
 
My supervisor at work likes to print out jokes and pass them around to the workers. Here's a joke that he put on my desk the other day that I liked.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

l
Pecans in the cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
 
A dead duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
Her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened
to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm
sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned
a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the
Duck's' owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook
his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on
Its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried,
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat
Scan, it's now $150."
 
Re: A dead duck

Guardian said:
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
Her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened
to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm
sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned
a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the
Duck's' owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook
his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on
Its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried,
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat
Scan, it's now $150."
Click to expand...

Was my version not good enough?? :P
 
I was at a family wedding and my uncle caught me with a good oldie.

He had hurt his hand and said when he went to the doctors he asked, "will I be able to play violin" to which the nurse replied, "of course" and he said "that's amazing as I wouldn't even know how to hold one prior to the accident".

Whether this is true I don't know but it did tickle me...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Trending content

Back
Top Bottom