I had a lot more trouble with translating this than I'd like to admit 
Just now I was explaining to a good friend of mine,the idea that every person is alone in their emotions and that unfortunately,only experience can at times teach us how the other person is feeling.She said however,that there is another way - through love.But love as it is espoused by Christianity,love that is like a caritas.It is that which is patient,empathic.It doesn't feel jealous or proud nor does it brag.In other words,the complete opposite of romantic love.
From my point of view,she is ofcourse correct.The first meaning of the word ''Pity'' in Russian is ''to love''.This gives us a pretty clear picture if,for example we were to borrow a passage from a Tuve Jansson novel - ''To pity is to understand and to understand is to love''.I will try to explain,that which appears to be the opposite of such love.
Throughout all my life and especially in my adulthood I began to hear these phrases more and more often from my peers ''this is your choice'' ,''your thoughts are focused on material things'',''you simply have to want it''.
It is just such phrases in combination with ''you're setting yourself up for failure,you need to do it like this'' that are the complete opposite of love.Why?Well because in place of those words,the person you're talking to hears ''I don't want to involve myself in your problems or sympathize with your situation.I found a formula for holding my psyche together and if it doesn't suit you-go to hell''.
It's okay to hear this from someone you just met,but quite painfull,coming from someone you considered your friend.They are ofcourse,not to blame - any solution we find to a problem in life,we assume will work for the other seven billion people.Mostly because our consciousness,for the sake of simplicity considers those people to be just like us-our clones.
However that still doesn't make such statements any more fitting to the situation,nor more realistic.As a basic observation will tell you,the world is full of people for whom just surviving the day is already a victory.Millions of people are suffering from uncontrollable impulses,mental illnesses and spiritual sicknesses.And often (but not always) their behaviour is neither under their controll,nor their choice.
Could one say that a soldier,killed on a battlefield,died because he didn't wish to live badly enough?It seems that none of those who died had any happy memories of home nor a family waiting for them.The survivors are those that wish to live the most because thoughts are tangible.Untreatable diseases are untreated for those same reasons.Do the situations - in which Pete got a lucky break and got into Uni while Vasya who knew everthing perfectly,but couldn't fall asleep in time for the test and failed - not exist?What about a person that got hit by a car?Oh well,that fellow simply thought about death all the time and didn't love life enough.
You get my point.
I also find that,the phrase ''it was your choice'' comes from people who either don't understand themselves or who have some kind of grudge against their parents or are simply feeling misunderstood (I won't play armchair psychologist here).They use this phrase to shield and distance themselves from these problems,for whatever reason,and create their reality based on those principals.Letting go of that phrase will shake up their carefully structured world,in which they are comfortable.
Unfortunately however,our life is not always our choice.
Man is at the mercy of accidents,impulses-he acts irrationally.We don't tell a man that's missing a leg to change his personality and his leg will grow back.He has to learn to live with the fact that he's missing a leg,build his daily routine and his social life around that and accept that he's missing it due to purely physical circumstances.Psychological problems and spiritual crises,for those suffering from them have a very annoying and persistent quality-an absence of physical causes or symptoms.That's why it seems like there would be a simple formulaic solution like ''don't worry so much'' or ''just play sports'' and other brainless answers.
But there might not be a solution at all.You can expend all your strength,all your energy playing sports,keeping yourself busy,helping others,meditating,traveling,getting educated,spending time at a monastery -yet every minute of it (or at least often) inside you will feel like you're in hell.
And nothing will help.
Nothing.
Yet there is something that can lighten the load for such unfortunates-love.Love like a caritas.It doesn't get annoyed,doesn't get jealous,doesn't feel happy at your misfortunes and loves truth.It touches everything,loves everything,hopes for everything and will suffer through anything.But it's not a formula,it doesn't answer all our question no?
This is where you pay attention and love.
You have to put in effort which most people don't want to.yet it's not their fault,they simply don't have the strength of spirit.
That why every time you hear a formulaic answer,you must keep in mind that what is really being said is this ''I am flabbergasted by your problem and for whatever reasons have no answer,but I don't have the strength or care to hel you through this problem.The fact that I can't find a solution perplexes and frightens me.If I start to question things it will cause a chain reaction and ruin my carefully constructed view of the world''.
And to those who love this phrase,I want to grab by the shoulders and shake them fiercely all the while asking them ''is it your choice to shake?Get rid of dichotomies they are your enemy!''
