Partner´s love in my life

[Galaxia2002]

Hello everybody, I belong to the Spanish group where we have make the decision to try participate more in the English forum because there is a lot more interaction. I've posted before but this is the first time I talk about something more personal, in fact the last time we talk about this subjet in the Spanish forum I remember that I was not interested but I have change my mind.

I have some problems of how to interpret what´s happening in this part of my life and I need some feedback

I feel that I have something wrong with love (partner´s love) in my life. I have 27 years old and I have never had a serious partner. In my teens I feel very confortable being alone, in fact I enjoyed reading and doing reflections and doing other activities typical of the teens, I felt complete. Then I started my universitary studies in chemistry and love it, it was so exciting to understand how to construct a molecule! I was involved in this world of science and very dedicate to this, in a parallel way I was joined to a group of esoteric and paranormal investigation, where I shared information specialy about C´s experiment (then I left because I realized they were interested in new age teachings) I felt complete, and I have not much time to think in any else. I take my degree and started to work, and it is in this moment that I felt that I need something else. Of course I had some "affairs" but nothing important. I don´t know if call this "bad luck" but I have tried many times to get mate without results. something bad always happend that obstruct this intent, i.e: a parent who lives very far get sick of cancer, she change home to a far place, she get engaged more with work, still in love of ex-boyfriends, she turns down without apparent cause, etc. Sometimes the relationship become cold and I have had chance to ask, what they observe on me and always said: it´s not about you it´s about me. I have known merciless people who without any problem would said me if I have something wrong and they have said me "good" things. The only person who gave me an observation told me that I was negative because I saw more focus in the bad things that good ones. I change my attitude (external consideration) but it doesn´t seemed to affect the result.

Of course the problem is mine, but I feel lost, I know the phrase "you have to become this person" and, I have tried to analyze and I have change many things, I have done progress in my narcissism, I have opened my heart because before it was very constricted, My level of external consideration is very much high respect years ago. You could ask me if I am conscious the way I choose, and yes I am. I have doing the work because my quest has brought me at this path. I know this kind of love is SAS, but I have been alone all my life, I want to change this! I feel I have a lesson behind this strong impulse and I want to know what is. I would like to know if is it question of continue doing the work and pospone this? or is the response of the universe "there is nobody" or is not convenient at this moment. Sincerity I was very dissapointed, and I would want to have the capacity to accept my destiny because this seem to be, but in this moment I don´t have it.

I ask myself why do I feel this urge to get a partner? and the only I can to answer is, I want to experience it . I think that If I had experienced this before I did´t have problem with this, the problems is that I have never experienced this before.

Thanks and sorry for my bad english

 

[Oxajil]

Re: Partner´s love in my life

I know this kind of love is SAS, but I have been alone all my life, I want to change this!    I feel I have a lesson behind this strong impulse and  I want to know what is.  I would like  to know  if  is it  question of continue doing the work and pospone this? or is the response of the universe  "there is nobody" or is not convenient at this moment.  Sincerity I was very dissapointed, and I would want to have the capacity to accept my destiny because this seem to be,  but in this moment I don´t have it.

For what it's worth:

I can understand the way you feel, but you should always ask yourself if You really are lost. Maybe someone or something is giving you these thoughts of loneliness which gives you the need to be with someone. But I could be wrong, maybe this is really what You feel..
Perhaps you could imagine yourself being with someone, having a relationship like the one you want. Okay, what happens?
Well maybe, as you've said yourself, ''I could learn from this'', but if you think about it this way:

If we assume you have a soul and that you have had many lives before this one, would there be a possibility that you didn't have a partner in ANY of those lives? That you've not learned the lessons of loving and being loved (in the way you perceive it) in one of those lives?

Maybe there is still something missing, perhaps a lesson you've not learned yet? (Or maybe a partner that you've had in one of your previous lives and kind of miss that person...) Then maybe you can ask God for someone to come on your path or just ask for help.., maybe praying could help.. I also once had this feeling of ''missing'' something, not a relationship, but more like a friendship and I prayed and soon enough I met someone and I could share what I wanted to share with that person, though, in the end, I learned that this person was a energy-sucker/petty tyrant etc. So this "friendship" sure taught me a lot! And perhaps you are waiting to learn some of these lessons as well, or perhaps just the experience. So maybe praying will help... though I would advice you to continue to do the Work and if something like this happens and you meet someone, then I guess it happens.. try not to concentrate on this too much and let it catch you off guard. And always keep your eyes (and ears) open.

I'd like to add something here that I just read and I think it might fit here:

Q: (L) Could you suggest, just to get me on track here, a form of question that would be a "cautious" question? Then I can frame subsequent questions on that model?

A: The issue here is not how to "frame" a question in such a way as to lure us into answering in the way you desire, but for you to learn most effectively. Do not have prejudice that there is only one thing to be learned from each response. "You never know what there is to be learned when you inquire with innocence and freedom from supposition."

You might also find this post (and the whole thread) helpful. (I'd like to advice you to learn a lot about relationships etc. before you'd want to be involved in one. Maybe when you've learned more about what happens in a relationship etc. that feeling of ''missing something/someone'' might fade away)

 

[RedFox]

Hi Galaxia

I feel that I have something wrong with love (partner´s love) in my life. I have 27 years old and I have never had a serious partner.

I can understand this because I was the same, infact I'd never really had any kind of romantic/long term relationship with a woman (other than friendship) up until about that age.
For me this taught me something important about myself, which may or may not apply to you.
I was not interacting with life, infact I was actively avoiding life. I had my computer games and programming, but I was socially isolated (by myself) or so I felt.
I realised I wasn't experiencing the 'good' in life through fear of experiencing the 'bad' so (through years of unconscious practice) was stopping anything coming my way.
Ironically the day I realised that and let go of this block I'd created (by accepting to experience the 'good' I needed to accept the possibility of experiencing the 'bad'), I no longer craved a relationship and I met my long term girlfriend, along with a lot of negative drama around this event.
Both the 'good' and the 'bad'. All of which has been great for learning I now realise.

I think Oxajil's idea to imagine the relationship is a good one. What are your goals and ideals that you want from a relationship?
If you take into account your parents relationship, and perhaps close family/friends relationships you may be able to see perhaps a reason in there for the drive to find one? If not then maybe it is a genuine thing?

Trying to work out if its a program or not that's causing this is tricky, but generally if there are underlying emotions (especially strong ones) behind the drive to do something this can be a sign that its a program, if you don't know where these emotions came from.

Some other threads that may help are: Can doing THE WORK in a non-collinear relationship be TRUE LOVE? and Marital conflict, children and the work

 

[Galaxia2002]

thank you for your recommendations! I will read it as soon as I can.

 

[Gawan]

Hi Galaxia2002,

I have tried to analyze and I have change many things, I have done progress in my narcissism, I have opened my heart because before it was very constricted, My level of external consideration is very much high respect years ago. You could ask me if I am conscious the way I choose, and yes I am. I have doing the work because my quest has brought me at this path. I know this kind of love is SAS, but I have been alone all my life, I want to change this! I feel I have a lesson behind this strong impulse and I want to know what is. I would like to know if is it question of continue doing the work and pospone this? or is the response of the universe "there is nobody" or is not convenient at this moment. Sincerity I was very dissapointed, and I would want to have the capacity to accept my destiny because this seem to be, but in this moment I don´t have it.

I can to this relate too, to feel lonely and to look for someone, but I didn't found "the" one to this moment…
But what I found out, that I cannot to be with someone without the other side, that means with the partner (the two sides have to agree to be in a relationship, it should not be onesided). In this sense I cannot force the universe that it gives me a partner, because I feel lonely.
There is then only the chance to observe and what is going on in oneself, in my opinion.

I ask myself why do I feel this urge to get a partner? and the only I can to answer is, I want to experience it.

Have you tried to look what could behind that experience?
Which goes also in the direction of Oxajil and Redfox: "What are your goals and ideals that you want from a relationship?"


I found a couple of days a quote very helpful:

there is also another aspect, which is maybe best described as: those pursuing the work within a relationship who (wishfully?) think that they should get out of this relationship in order to do the work, are probably most suited to do the Work within the relationship and vice versa. So, this probably applies to those thinking about "what is most suitable for me?" regarding celibacy who are currently not within a relationship as well.

which led then later on to another interesting thread which might be of help:

<snip>

Laura wrote a very interesting post on love and sex in this thread

http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=11550.0

Have you already read the big 4 psychology books?

1) The Myth of Sanity by Martha Stout
2) The Narcissistic Family by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman & Robert M. Pressman
3) Trapped in The Mirror by Elan Goulomb
4) Unholy Hungers by Barbara Hort

Especially "Unholy Hungers" goes into more detail how we interact in relationships.

And as already stated from Oxajil:

try not to concentrate on this too much and let it catch you off guard. And always keep your eyes (and ears) open.

Is in my opinion a very good advice.

 

[mkrnhr]

LOL I can relate to that too and I am a little older. Is there a karmic reason for not finding (yet?) a soul mate? or at least a non-psychopathic mate? I don't know. And I am really faaar away from being able to give any advice. But... IMHO, one has to be careful not letting the desire to have a mate being the reason to work on being externally considerate.

 

[Galaxia2002]

Hi

I can to this relate too, to feel lonely and to look for someone, but I didn't found "the" one to this moment…
But what I found out, that I cannot to be with someone without the other side, that means with the partner (the two sides have to agree to be in a relationship, it should not be onesided). In this sense I cannot force the universe that it gives me a partner, because I feel lonely.
There is then only the chance to observe and what is going on in oneself, in my opinion.

Recently I have started to be less exigent, maybe the problem is that you and me have in mind an idea of how should be the "one" (physical carachteristics, cultural level, etc), well at least in my case I realize I have this kind of likes, and this could be a problem, because it could be a program. Of course this person should like me, in this I am clear, but I now see that I had ignored persons because I was looking for a prototype.

Have you tried to look what could behind that experience?

Part of it is curiosity, and I have desires to share life experiences, but I am aware that this could be a distraction to get me out of the "path", but my idea is be vigilant. I can imagine that behind this experience surely there would be all kinds experiences, negatives and positives. My goals have to do with have more emotional development because I was a closed heart person, and this have changed in the last years (through shocks and the work) and maybe it is possible that this development has brought me to this next step. (just my speculation)

Have you already read the big 4 psychology books?

Cita de: the big four
1) The Myth of Sanity by Martha Stout
2) The Narcissistic Family by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman & Robert M. Pressman
3) Trapped in The Mirror by Elan Goulomb
4) Unholy Hungers by Barbara Hort

I have read the narcissistic family (I come from one) and trapped in the mirror. This is because I have said before that I had worked part of my narcissism, but I know that I need to work more on it. The things are being more difficult in my country to buy in internet ( we have exchange control) and I need to spend in medicines. I will try to get unholy hungers on line.

LOL I can relate to that too and I am a little older. Is there a karmic reason for not finding (yet?) a soul mate? or at least a non-psychopathic mate? I don't know. And I am really faaar away from being able to give any advice. But... IMHO, one has to be careful not letting the desire to have a mate being the reason to work on being externally considerate.

I have thought the same about karma, but I can´t let me drive by this explanation to back down. I agree with you, the reason to get a couple couldn´t be the drive to do the work, it is on the contrary, I think.

 

[vinny]

a few things to consider.

there is a lot of potential for powerful and energising learning/growth within a 'colinear' relationship, so I don't agree that a love-relationship is counter to the Work. However, such a thing requires a certain rare level of personal development and self-awareness, otherwise it could become something completely different, and a barrier to growth.

There is also a lot of potential for learning outside of a close relationship. If you find yourself in a particular situation then maybe there are necessary life lessons that you have the opportunity to learn, and that is why you are where you are?

Feeling lonely is very understandable, but is a very poor foundation on its own for building a healthy relationship with someone, because it imposes a condition that one of the reasons you are together is to 'avoid being alone', which can lead to all kinds of unhealthy dynamics.

If you feel lonely, then perhaps a change of mindset is helpful, even if difficult: instead of thinking that something is missing from your life, perhaps it is helpful to think that there is something missing from the 'output' that your life gives to the world? Remember that your life reflects who you are, 'warts and all', and there could be something about yourself that you have not yet faced that you need to address before anything else is possible? Expecting that someone else will be able to 'fix' the problems in your life is probably the wrong way to see it.

Learning how to build healthy relationships of different kinds with our fellow human beings seems to be a major part of the lesson plan right now - we are brought up in an environment where extreme feeding and narcissism are the norm, and this perpetuates itself to the next generation through trauma and patterns learnt as children. If we are to break this cycle we will first have to learn about ourselves. Then maybe we can use that to move onto the next step, whatever that might be.

Perhaps a little faith is required, that the universe is capable of providing exactly what we need, even if it might not be what we 'want'. (as the C's so succinctly put it: "wishful thinking will get you every time")

 

[gwb1995]

a few things to consider.

there is a lot of potential for powerful and energising learning/growth within a 'collinear' relationship, so I don't agree that a love-relationship is counter to the Work. However, such a thing requires a certain rare level of personal development and self-awareness, otherwise it could become something completely different, and a barrier to growth.

There is also a lot of potential for learning outside of a close relationship. If you find yourself in a particular situation then maybe there are necessary life lessons that you have the opportunity to learn, and that is why you are where you are?

Nomad makes two great points here. I think the key to what he is saying relates to finding a 'collinear partner' to build a relationship within this universe. It is possible to be on either side of this example. Either way, it could affect both people involved. If you are involved in a relationship that is not collinear, it could be detrimental to both people.

Feeling lonely is very understandable, but is a very poor foundation on its own for building a healthy relationship with someone, because it imposes a condition that one of the reasons you are together is to 'avoid being alone', which can lead to all kinds of unhealthy dynamics.

If you feel lonely, then perhaps a change of mindset is helpful, even if difficult: instead of thinking that something is missing from your life, perhaps it is helpful to think that there is something missing from the 'output' that your life gives to the world? Remember that your life reflects who you are, 'warts and all', and there could be something about yourself that you have not yet faced that you need to address before anything else is possible? Expecting that someone else will be able to 'fix' the problems in your life is probably the wrong way to see it.

I totally agree with Nomad here. My past experiences prove this, as I have not been able to 'see' myself objectively, and the many programs running within myself. How can I expect to find someone to build a relationship with if I am not able to be objective about myself. How can I make objective decisions about another person if I can't be totally objective with myself? It is something to think about (IMO)

Learning how to build healthy relationships of different kinds with our fellow human beings seems to be a major part of the lesson plan right now - we are brought up in an environment where extreme feeding and narcissism are the norm, and this perpetuates itself to the next generation through trauma and patterns learnt as children. If we are to break this cycle we will first have to learn about ourselves. Then maybe we can use that to move onto the next step, whatever that might be.

Perhaps a little faith is required, that the universe is capable of providing exactly what we need, even if it might not be what we 'want'. (as the C's so succinctly put it: "wishful thinking will get you every time")

Perfect quote Nomad. I fight a daily battle against my programs of 'Wishful Thinking'.

FWIW,

gwb

 

[mkrnhr]

If you find yourself in a particular situation then maybe there are necessary life lessons that you have the opportunity to learn, and that is why you are where you are?

This is indeed a powerful hypothesis as our life is a metaphor of our inner self development.

I think the most comprehensive discussion about relationships I ever read is this post :
http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=11550.msg81820#msg81820
The first time I read it my though was : waw, i'm really not ready, i'm happy i didn't meet a woman on the Work whom i can harm by my unpreparedness. But though, seeking such a high level of relationships may be a self-importance program as well. It is possible that a part of learning in one's actual life is to have less idealized relationships until he grows up? Maybe, but maybe not, since these unidealistic relationships will be a counter to Work. So, IMHO, if someone is not conscious of the Work, a physical/emotional relationship may be on his path of learning. But if the person is consciously Working, getting into physical/emotional relationships may be a trap (especially with the 4D STS eventual intervention), in a word, if you take the long and adventurous way of the Work, don't go the the bar "meeting people".
But since the true-love relationship requires a certain degree of advancement, as stated before, it may seem that there is a gap between unpreparedness (eventual physical/emotional relationships), little preparedness (4D STS trap via psychopaths), intermediate preparedness (desert crossing), and preparedness (true-love relationship). The desert crossing position being a sort of unstable equilibrium leading to advance or to a falling back. Maybe the only good new for the desert crossers is that they have less Ego exciter from the "yeah I am such spiritually advanced" program, leading them (us?) to more work? Does it make sense?

 

[vinny]

I quite like the term 'desert crossing' as you put it, seems rather apt. It implies an aim (crossing the desert) which requires effort, preparedness and a recognition/acceptance of the conditions of the journey, and that unexpected things may happen along the way.

There is something else about wishful thinking that, in an indirect way might be useful to think about in the context of this thread. It is an extract from Illion's 'Darkness Over Tibet' that manitoban posted here, and is to do with how one can affect the path of another:

T.Illion, in the book Darkness Over Tibet makes some interesting comments that may relate to the idea of wanting to wake up the New Age wishful thinkers. On page 153 he writes about how he wonders whether to tell the truth to a man who "believes" he has found the answers and salvation.

"The poor, kindhearted man! He thought he was in the city of a Great Light Power, and the thought that I did not want “salvation” made him sad.
For a moment I contemplated whether I should tell him bluntly that he really was in the city of the Evil One, but strange to say I felt that I could not.
For spiritual realizations entail enormous spiritual responsibilities. Even the Powers of Evil have their spiritual mission. They snatch souls if men themselves give them up. By his spiritual sins man himself weakens the ties which link him to his soul, and the more he sins spiritually the more he strikes himself with blindness until he can no longer see the difference between God and the Creator, no matter how high are his occult accomplishments. The devil tempts, but he can only seize souls that voluntarily yield to his temptations.
That is a law of the universe. I felt I could save no one from the Evil One. By telling Narbu that the Exalted Jewel was identical with the Prince of Darkness I should have influenced his spiritual destiny, which lay in his own hands. I felt I had no right to do that for the supreme spiritual law is absolutely free choice by every individual. Man himself can choose resplendent light, but he himself can also throw himself down into the bottomless abyss from whence there is no return."

 

[mkrnhr]

Yes there is a lot of wishful thinking and the other trap also IMHO is anticipation. Preparedness without anticipation is very difficult. The desert crossing is a french expression to something close but lightly different, but I chose it because when you walk in the desert, you just advance in a direction, not knowing the exact distance to your destination, nor if you'll arrive alive (metaphorically). When you ask for a location to the people of the desert, their favorite joke it to tell you "go straight this way, then on Tuesday, turn left" :D

 

[GB]

Galaxia2002,

Stone Heart, was a nickname i gave myself proudly. This inner 'feature' shielded me from being affected by the cheesy love i observed in other people. I craved for a long term relationship with a girl and got one. Attractive, sexy, youngish, fit. Married her at 27 (i was 25), because we both wanted to get away from our parents and we had no convenient place to play sexual games. Our relationship consisted of having fun in the new house. We both had our separate dreams that had not much in common. She wanted children for 3 years, i not, (coming from a family of divorced parents, where we children, - 4 and 7 years old - left stranded, i didn't want to repeat the performance as a possible parent). We broke off. For several months i was stunned, craving, crying because of the lack of her presence.

11 years passed. Now i crave for a girl who i can love with all cheesyness. Actually as it turns out normal people are capable of affectionate love. I'm hammering at my Stone Heart to break its shielding, trying to learn real emotions from people here and from the Big Four books, mentioned above.

It's really sad that i married a girl for just sexual play. Now i want to give love, show affection, show emotion, really love a girl, accept her emotionally, hug her just to listen to her problems, give her kisses just so she feels safe and the closeness of someone who actually understands her.

Am i capable of above?

No.

But i intend on trying it!!


Robert

 

[anart]

Re: Partner´s love in my life

Hi Robert,

I'm not sure if you've noticed, but four of your last five posts on this forum have dealt directly with your experience of love/sex - it appears as if you are a bit obsessed with this issue.  Perhaps you could answer Nomad's post to you on the thread linked below, before continuing to post more thoughts that focus solely on this one aspect of your personal experience? 

http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=12096.msg87481#msg87481

 

[Galaxia2002]

Well guys, I want to share with you news respect this topic I brought few time ago. Just when I was decided to take a pause to meditate in this matter a person appeared, I meet her in accidental circunstances and she shows herself very commited to form a estable relationship. What I most like from her was this disposition, and her values of respect about relationships and life, but physically doesn´t like completly. Something that I have become aware is that I look for certain physical features and internal characteristics that I would like that person had, I don´t know if this is a programmed answer. I am aware that if I looking for a certain type of person I could be missing other possibilities. Because of this I decided to give a chance to this person. Well this relationship starts with something extrange, when we decided to know each other and take an opportunity she said me that his ex boyfriend when just finished the relationship tell her that he was "materia" (this is like a sort of medium of santery) and said to her "not be so excited about your next relationship because won´t continue much time". When she said that it doesn´t like because I know what kind of things there is behind this "religion". Well I take in account that information but decided dont fix my mind in this and concentrate in the objetive facts. One day she take the issue again and she tell me that two month before she meet me she was gone to a sorcerer and the sorcerer had said to her the same, that she had something within her because an ex partner had done an spell in order to she doesn´t get boyfriend again. I tell her " forget all this, you don´t need to go with this persons, they said this to every person for make money.

One day when we meet in a restaurant I see that she had in his wrist a bracelet of yellow and green colors typical of Santery. I told her "are you in santery? She said "Of course not". I said "this bracelet is from people who practice it". And she told me that two days ago she had seen it, and she had bought it because had attracted her attention. This was for me a clue that had something in this person who may be headed your thoughts. I ask her to take away the bracelet and she left it in the site.

Well the last week we begun to discuss because she became jealous, and on the other hand she complains because I am not jealous of her. She was induce me to be jealous something that I have never been before. We talk long and I was very clear that I dont become a jealous person because her. She accepted and everything returned to normal apparently. But I feel this person could be an exellent partner if the jealoucy problem is passed but there is something that doesn´t like.
At the same time other person court me but I dont want to be "jumping" from one person to another, but moreover I have a clue that my current partner may not be with me for my own benefit. Do you think all what I have said is reasonable for to broke up a relationship? If it is true that there is a force opposite of this kind to this relationship, is it worth continuing? :/