For the parents – watching for signs of “grooming”
Parents, our subtle and gracious but thorough vigilance is the only real safety net we can offer to our innocent, beautiful children. The following is not an exhaustive list but please consider the activities described as indicators of a potential “grooming relationship” being commenced. And, remember, the blind trust we extend to those we know is the abuser’s primary weapon. They want us to feel safe with them, for us to feel – without checking first – that our children will be safe with them. And sometimes our children are safe, but not always. One in four girls, and one in six boys, is not safe. Please exchange blind trust for careful and wise trust. It is hard to think that someone you know might be a potential abuser. But the facts speak for themselves. Unfortunately, with this prevalence, someone we know probably is one of these people:
Any closer-than-normal relationship, initiated or permitted by the adult. Disrespect or overfamiliarity with space that belongs to you as parents. Inserting themselves into the family life, even taking over some parental responsibilities. Making your life much easier with no apparent reason or return favour asked. Befriending the entire family, but focusing attention on one child. Securing time alone with the child (or with a group of children without other adults around). Ingratiating themselves with the family. Creating an environment where there is an emotional or real debt so that questions are hard to ask. A bias towards one child, usually the quieter or less secure one. Spending money on a child or on gifts, especially without checking with parents first. Don’t ever assume a person is okay.
For an abuser that may be a member of the family (thirty-seven per cent of molesters are)
Watch for reluctance from the child, and note if they make excuses not to be alone with the person. Be constantly aware of moods and sudden swings or withdrawal. Don’t just assume its “normal adolescent stuff”. Watch for destructive behaviour. Ask careful questions and gauge discomfort levels. Talk about abuse and privacy, watch responses carefully.
For the parents – watching for signs of possible abuse
Outbursts of anger, or a constant sullenness. Sudden and wide-ranging emotions. A sudden or inexplicable change or reluctance in a particular relationship Violence, hurting or bullying of others, or even pets. Continually withdrawn and unwilling. Being happier at someone else’s house (if the abuse is at home). Wanting to stop sports that they love or like. Accident-proneness and self-harm on the one hand, and hypochondria on the other. Eating disorders. Quick anger at broken promises or commitments. Grades dropping off. A lessening of desire for excellence. An increasing desire for control of things. Anxiety or depression. An onset of tidiness, or messiness. Inappropriate sexual awareness and tolerance for what would normally be shocking things.
For the parents – how to speak to your children (about boundaries and when you fear that abuse may have happened)
General rules (timing, environment, manner)
Always choose a time of security and well-being for the child. We need to operate out of a loving, caring place. Physically get down to the child’s level. Kneel, sit, cuddle; whatever. But do not be at a distance or at different heights. And we need to be careful what body parts we connect with. Do not be glib and assume that because it’s okay for us, it’s okay for the child. Be patient. Privacy and security are important, and it may take time to create trust or a sense of safety. Children should know the correct names for body parts. It helps them give accurate descriptions and prevents potential confusion when they have to approximate their descriptions of events. Talk about permissions and boundaries from an early age; perhaps as early as two (e.g. “No-one can touch or see an area unless Mommy or Daddy is there”).
The conversation
We need to be sensitive to the need to maintain and increase trust in the way we conduct this conversation. We need to protect innocence, even if we think it has already been stolen. If damage has been done, this conversation is the first – and best – opportunity to restore trust for adults in the young person. We need to be sure that we can talk with no personal panic visible. No matter how panicky we are, our child should not sense that in our voice or body language. We need to find that place. Work out carefully in advance what words we will use and how we will approach the topic. We must work out a good “segue” from something familiar and normal to this issue (e.g. discuss areas of the body while getting ready for a bath etc.). It may be useful to talk about areas of clothing rather than areas of the body. Or maybe “what’s under the [item]”. If something has happened, we will need to overcome the child’s need for safety through secrecy. As parents, we need to start early to ensure that our children understand fully that when a parent is told something, it is still a secret, no matter who said it or what the secret is. (Then we need to be trustworthy so they trust us!) Always, ALWAYS, believe what we hear. No matter what, no matter who; we must believe our child. They absolutely, completely need to be believed at this point. No child should ever fear punishment for disclosure or blame for what has happened. It’s important therefore to not try to force disclosure through threats of any sort.
If the result of our enquiry is shocking
Slow and gentle is vital. It might take a few days and a few efforts or different approaches to get to the real facts. Be patient. Be sensitive to how much pressure is on the child. Try to get the child to volunteer what their own knowledge of appropriate physical boundaries are – this will educate us, if we are listening carefully, around what knowledge they might have that is inappropriate to their age or to what we have taught them. Try to discover gently (even through a playful or familiar game) the source of any additional knowledge they might have. Remember, our panic will become their panic. Find out what happened: when, where and who may have done it in as much detail as the child can reveal. Remember the child may be in the grip of fear – of the perpetrator and of any threats around the consequences of revealing information. We need to overcome that fear with them – don’t try to overcome their fears by creating a high stakes confrontation. The child will hide in silence or fear. Don’t put words in their mouth, and don’t ask them to confirm your suspicions. Create an environment where they give the information without being told what to say. MOST IMPORTANTLY: Believe the child. Take it seriously. We need to be the one person they can trust again. If we shut them down in disbelief (or for the fear they may be right and someone we know or love is evil) the danger is they will not speak again.
After the conversation
After the conversation, write down what they said, and record your observations and thoughts. Remember, eventually, the police must get involved, and the evidence you give them needs to be clear and accurate. Don’t trust memory with such an emotional topic. If someone in particular has been identified, don’t take matters into your own hands. Confide in someone (it could be a telephone counselling service or a support agency) and get perspective. Protect your child with ongoing reassurance. Cease all contact by any family member with the suspected person. Let’s not confuse the child with mixed messages or loyalties. They are too young to appreciate any subtlety. We either believe them or we don’t. We can explain later if necessary. Let’s not risk it. Get the police involved.
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