Putin jokes

Niall

Niall

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Joke #1

The President of Israel calls up Putin and says: “Vladimir Vladimirovich, I didn't know you were a Jew!” Putin says, “I didn't either; what makes you think I am a Jew?” President of Israel says: “You got the Americans to pay you $5 billion to take over Crimea. You must be a Jew!”

Joke #2

Putin is watching TV. He calls up his Chief of Intelligence: “Give Tyagnibok a medal for banning the use of Russian in Ukraine. What do you mean, 'he isn't one of ours'? Ok, give Yarosh a medal for the idea of blowing up Ukrainian gas transit lines. What do you mean, 'that's his own doing'? How about that cretin Lyashko? How about those cretins from Svoboda—Miroshnichenko and others? So, DO WE HAVE ANY AGENTS ON THE GROUND IN UKRAINE AT ALL?! Where the hell are all my agents? What the hell do you mean, 'they bought a dump-truck of pop-corn and a tanker truck beer and are watching it like a movie'?!!!”

Hangs up in disgust. Calls again: “How could you let Muzychko get killed?”
 
Kniall said:
Joke #1

The President of Israel calls up Putin and says: “Vladimir Vladimirovich, I didn't know you were a Jew!” Putin says, “I didn't either; what makes you think I am a Jew?” President of Israel says: “You got the Americans to pay you $5 billion to take over Crimea. You must be a Jew!”

Joke #2

Putin is watching TV. He calls up his Chief of Intelligence: “Give Tyagnibok a medal for banning the use of Russian in Ukraine. What do you mean, 'he isn't one of ours'? Ok, give Yarosh a medal for the idea of blowing up Ukrainian gas transit lines. What do you mean, 'that's his own doing'? How about that cretin Lyashko? How about those cretins from Svoboda—Miroshnichenko and others? So, DO WE HAVE ANY AGENTS ON THE GROUND IN UKRAINE AT ALL?! Where the hell are all my agents? What the hell do you mean, 'they bought a dump-truck of pop-corn and a tanker truck beer and are watching it like a movie'?!!!”

Hangs up in disgust. Calls again: “How could you let Muzychko get killed?”
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:lol2: :lol2: :lol2: , Nice jokes and very clever.
 
Thanks Kniall - very funny jokes! :D

For some odd reason, when I searched the internet for Putin jokes - most were ridiculing him! Anyway, I found some Putin jokes apparently by the Russians themselves.

My favourite is: Putin appeared in Thomas Edison’s dream and revealed how to live in harmony with the Universe. But all Edison could remember in the morning was how to make the light bulb. :lol:


Putin's a shrewd operator. With tactics that would win knowing appreciation from Tony Soprano, Josef Stalin, and Don Corleone, Putin has consolidated his hold on Russian power. He'll probably remain top dog even after his term expires next March.
Russians like their leaders powerful. Here are some jokes that are floating around Russia now (courtesy of Pajamas Media; translation by Oleg Atbashian). These jokes reveal just how powerful Putin has become.


• When Putin smiles, a child is born in Russia. If the smile is wider than usual, expect twins.

• When Putin is sad, the national suicide statistics go up.

• A fork that Putin ate from can slay a vampire with one stab.

• A chair that Putin sat on gets promoted to the rank of Major General.

• When Putin was little, he broke a cup. The spilled water turned into oceans and the splinters became continents.

• Putin can scratch his own heel without bending over.

• Shirts worn by Putin are sent to a secret military facility and converted to the strongest layer of armor for the Russian tanks.

• Socks worn by Putin are routinely dropped on Chechen rebels.

• Putin’s used tissues become the property of the Department of Cartography and their content is classified.

• Putin knows every Russian citizen’s name, address, and phone number. If you say a dirty word, Putin will call you in the evening to reprimand.

• When Putin’s name is typed, the first letter capitalizes itself.

• By squinting his eye Putin can read and write multimedia DVDs.

• Putin’s stare has downed 15 American satellites spying over the Kremlin.

• Putin’s stare penetrates a ten foot lead wall and brings a kettle to a boil within 10 seconds from three miles away. For public safety he must wear special contact lenses at all times.

• Chechen rebels blow themselves up when they hear Putin’s true name.

• Saying Putin’s name repeatedly contributes to the common good in the universe.

• Putin inhales carbon dioxide and exhales oxygen, ensuring the continuation of life on the planet.

• Putin’s love for humankind heats up the planet by 2.35 degrees annually - a phenomenon also known as the Global Warming.

• Putin appeared in Thomas Edison’s dream and revealed how to live in harmony with the Universe. But all Edison could remember in the morning was how to make the light bulb.

• Everything Putin touches turns into a national project.

• If a sunbeam shines beautifully through the clouds, Putin is nearby.

• If you shake hands with Putin you will be taken to heaven alive.

• If you hate Putin you may die early through your own fault.
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http://blog.creativethink.com/2007/10/putin-jokes-hap.html
 
Thanks Anam Cara. These were very good. Putin. Wait a sec I wanna get this right... Putin. Yep, it worked the first letter does capitalize itself - he's that good! Seriously though, I'm diggin these:
A fork that Putin ate from can slay a vampire with one stab.
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Damn!

When Putin was little, he broke a cup. The spilled water turned into oceans and the splinters became continents.
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Shades of a creation myth? LOL.

Chechen rebels blow themselves up when they hear Putin’s true name.
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Definitely in my top 3 right now.

If you shake hands with Putin you will be taken to heaven alive.
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Putin shall not forsake thee, for thine is the glory forever and ever...

If you hate Putin you may die early through your own fault.
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This is almost a truism! :lol:
 
Apologies, catching up late but these are hilarious. Great way to start the year.
 
John Oliver on Putin's Thursday (last year)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-l5HUOrKPyg

If you've not seen, enjoy :)
 
Niall said:
Joke #1

The President of Israel calls up Putin and says: “Vladimir Vladimirovich, I didn't know you were a Jew!” Putin says, “I didn't either; what makes you think I am a Jew?” President of Israel says: “You got the Americans to pay you $5 billion to take over Crimea. You must be a Jew!”



this is a nice one :rotfl: :lol2: :perfect:
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Russia banned the assembly in which Putin rides a cat and honey
The new ordinance prohibits the publication in Russia super popular 'meme', and it is the Russian President Vladimir Putin is one of the biggest stars in the Internet meme

Vladimir Putin will no longer ride dinosaurs, bears or hummingbirds, as it has done so far on the 'meme' installations. At least not in Russia where the newly passed ordinance according to which all the 'meme' assembly with famous people - illegal.

- Use of photos of famous thus harming the honor, reputation and business of public figures, writes in the new book, reports the Washington Post.

Regulations adopted state media agency / Internet censor Roskomnadzor and after the Russian singer Valery Syutkin filed a lawsuit against the social network "Vkontakte" for publishing Meme to his face and saying 'Slap * k her in the face!'


After the judge ruled in his favor, Roskomnadzor had to upgrade its rules on personal data. In this way, forbade the publication of all the meme that public figures are displayed in a way 'which has nothing to do with their personality.

All Russian sites that do not abide by the amended Regulations will be sanctioned shutting down without warning, according to the Washington Post, which emphasizes that this is not a new law but on an update of the current.

The latest measure of Russian media agencies brought the attention of numerous media in the West because it was Russian President Vladimir Putin one of the biggest stars of the popular meme's.
 
RedFox said:
Do you have a link to the source of this casper?
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Here is the link:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-intersect/wp/2015/04/10/russia-just-made-a-ton-of-internet-memes-illegal/?tid=sm_tw
 
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