Question about parenting

[T.C.]

I was teaching one of my pupils today: R___. R___ is 8 years old and he's been having drum lessons with me for the last couple of years, with me travelling to his home.

We started the lesson and were working on a certain part of a song. After each run-through, he seemed to get more and more frustrated, but I couldn't really figure out why, as he was pretty much getting the part right every time. I asked him what was wrong and he said there's a part he couldn't play, and kept getting wrong.

Something seemed 'off' so I asked him if everything was okay. His mum in the other room heard me say this and came to the doorway to say, "What's wrong R___?"

At this point, he just broke down in tears. This has never happened before. We usually have fun and he's a bright and cheerful boy. I asked him if it was about the music or maybe something else had happened? But he said it was about the music and because he couldn't play it. Again this was 'off' because as a student, every lesson we look at things he can't play, and he tries it over and over - getting it wrong and struggling with it - until he masters it, but has never broken down like this.

I think about 10 seconds must have gone by, which felt like ages, and I was just looking at him and then his mum, and then him and then his mum, expecting her to do something or say something, but she was just looking, waiting. I think maybe she was weighing up what she thought might be up with him.

I felt really powerless. I wanted to say, "hey, hey, come here" and hold him, and with his mum not acting, I just put my hand on his shoulder to try to comfort him in some way.

So then she came over to him (maybe she'd thought out how she wanted to approach it by then) and came at it from an encouraging place of, "Come on, R___, take some breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth. There's days and times when I want to have a good cry but I can't; I have to keep on doing the things that need to be done. Don't just give up." She then started diverting, telling me how she'd had three of his friends at the house that morning and how, "you were laughing and playing and joking then, weren't you, R___"

And then she said something to get him to smile. It may have even been, "come on now, let's have a smile", and I had to watch him force this false smile and betray his feelings.

After she left the room, I said to him that it's okay to cry because sometimes if we hold it in it can make things worse and we can end up getting angry or something.

From what I could figure out, I think if it was about the music alone, then his issue was that he's gotten to the point in his playing where he's developed a high expectation of himself that's ahead of where he's at technically. I never reinforce negative attitudes towards making mistakes in class. I just say, "and again", or " try that again" and just encourage them to repeat things until they get it.

His lessons recently switched to an earlier time, right when he gets home from school, so I'm wondering if he's tired, as he doesn't get some time to wind down from his day, before he has his lesson anymore. He's also just gone up a year at school this month, so I wonder if that has something to do with it, too.

But I guess my question is to those of you who have raised children. If something like this happens, where's the line between taking them in your arms for a while and comforting them, versus encouraging them to... well get a handle on it and pick themselves up and push through.

I mean, my instinctual reaction was to comfort him (God, I just wanted to hold him, really, and let him cry). I've known him over two years, but his mum knows him a million times better than me. I can see that part of a parents job is to teach resilience and how to cope with problems and stuff like that. But in that moment, the last thing I would have done would be to start diverting the situation and get him to smile.

I have absolutely no experience of parenting, so I just wanted others views on it please.

 

[mkrnhr]

Hi T.C.
I'm not a parent so what I think is to be taken with a pinch of salt. IMHO, you have done well. In these situations, remember that you are not his parent, and it would be wrong to assume that role.
As for the child's emotional state, it could be due to anything happening at home or at school. If he doesn't want to talk about it, don't force him, you're not his counselor either. However, you can show support without being emotional, just by being there, not judging. But at this point it would be best to call the mother to know a little more.
OSIT

 

[Alada]

Hi T.C.
I'm not a parent so what I think is to be taken with a pinch of salt. IMHO, you have done well. In these situations, remember that you are not his parent, and it would be wrong to assume that role.
As for the child's emotional state, it could be due to anything happening at home or at school. If he doesn't want to talk about it, don't force him, you're not his counselor either. However, you can show support without being emotional, just by being there, not judging. But at this point it would be best to call the mother to know a little more.
OSIT

I agree with mkrnhr, your role there is in teaching, not parenting, though I can understand your wish to console him. You did well enough with the words of enouragement and consolation I think. Maybe you picked up on something else going on, or it could just have been a bad day at school, sometimes over something relatively small, so its hard to say. But you enaled him to express emotions and not be embarrased/ashed by it by what you said to him, which is a good job i itself I think.

 

[Ocean]

10 seconds is a long time. Car crash investigators reckon 7 seconds is an eternity when turning left in front of an oncoming car. "Gosh the car was 7 seconds away when you turned left into the street? That's a real long time."
So for a mother to hover in the doorway vacillating what to do about her crying child for 10 seconds, strikes me as ...well.....un-motherly.

I get the feeling that something is definitely up in that situation. For my part I would have no hesitation in scooping the child up, hugging him, and carry him outside from the environment and into the fresh air.

 

[Alada]

I get the feeling that something is definitely up in that situation. For my part I would have no hesitation in scooping the child up, hugging him, and carry him outside from the environment and into the fresh air.

I don't think there's any way to discern that "something is definitely up", and, keeping in mind that TC is a visiting tutor in the child's home, I don't think that 'scooping the kid up and carrying him outside' would be wise at all. How do you think a parent would react to that???

Remember the Cs 'always expected attack', especially worth remembering for those on with Work aims. Better to maintain a high state of vigilance in mind at all times with that advice, to think first (as TC did), than to rush into snap reactions like that I think.

 

[Ocean]

Probably because I am a mum and it comes natural to me.
I have had several occasions where I have been with a child crying, apparently for no known reason.
One just happened recently. The child was alone, parents had gone off somewhere and he was facing the wall crying. I hugged him and asked him what was wrong. He said his mommy had said something to him that he didn't understand. I then guided him out of the room, when his parents sprang down the stairs.

With experience over the years, I have come to understand that my nurturing nature and my concern for other children is readily identified by parents and others.

 

[T.C.]

Hi T.C.
I'm not a parent so what I think is to be taken with a pinch of salt. IMHO, you have done well. In these situations, remember that you are not his parent, and it would be wrong to assume that role.
As for the child's emotional state, it could be due to anything happening at home or at school. If he doesn't want to talk about it, don't force him, you're not his counselor either.

Yes, absolutely. Guess I should be more clear on my question. What I'd have liked to understand better is as a parent, how difficult is it to find the balance between comforting and supporting a child during an emotional situation like the one I saw today, and encouraging a child to be strong and resilient in the face of difficulties.

However, thinking about it now, my question comes across as quite simplistic. And also, I suppose in an ideal world, both approaches need to be combined at the same time. And I guess that it's something you can only really experience and learn if you are a parent.

Maybe you picked up on something else going on, or it could just have been a bad day at school, sometimes over something relatively small, so its hard to say.

You know, something else occurred to me about potential factors. I wonder if him not having had anything to eat has something to do with it. I have noticed that since we moved his lesson to an earlier time a few weeks ago, he's been a little irritable and a little less enthused. Maybe his blood sugar is low?

Plus, I wondered about his hormones (am I thinking too much, here?) I mean, I've seen him developing as a person over the last couple of years, and he's 8 now, and there's a lot of endocrine disruption in our environment. His breaking down was disproportionate to what was happening with his lesson, and hormones can really affect our interpretation of experiences.

I get the feeling that something is definitely up in that situation. For my part I would have no hesitation in scooping the child up, hugging him, and carry him outside from the environment and into the fresh air.

I don't think there's any way to discern that "something is definitely up", and, keeping in mind that TC is a visiting tutor in the child's home, I don't think that 'scooping the kid up and carrying him outside' would be wise at all. How do you think a parent would react to that???

Remember the Cs 'always expected attack', especially worth remembering for those on with Work aims. Better to maintain a high state of vigilance in mind at all times with that advice, to think first (as TC did), than to rush into snap reactions like that I think.

Yes, I have to be extremely careful working with children one to one. I would be risking my career by hugging one of my students. I was actually reluctant to put my hand on his shoulder, but his mum was in the room and I didn't think it was inappropriate. I just wanted to give him a little comfort.

 

[Buddy]

But I guess my question is to those of you who have raised children. If something like this happens, where's the line between taking them in your arms for a while and comforting them, versus encouraging them to... well get a handle on it and pick themselves up and push through.

I'm with Alada. There doesn't seem to be enough info here and to me, there's a missing middle between hugging and encouraging and the tough love bit. Maybe questions could be asked requiring feedback in order to tighten the loop and get a pointer to the real issue. You might try to zero in on the exact note or movement he's referring to if that's the problem. You might ask him to play the part any old way he wants in order to get a feel for an alternative syncopated beat. You might tell him that sometimes deliberately playing a mistake until it becomes boring, sometimes automatically corrects a mistake (it really does). You might say that if he can't tell you exactly so that you can help, then translate what's upsetting him into a story that would seem to convey the difficulty. You might just allow him to stop for awhile and do something else. You might just pause, look at him and say, "Ok, so what do we do now?" and quietly wait a reasonable time to see if he'll spill with some kind of answer that you can work with.

He could be experiencing a partial or complete attitude change towards the activity and instead of disappointing the people around him, he may be trying to blame himself, hoping to be let off the hook. He could have somehow lost touch with his artistic values, like the reasons he wanted to play in the first place.

A lot of this stuff is experimentation while helping the child feel like his feelings and thoughts are respected within limits and that he understands that sometimes he might need to let you in on what he really thinks and feels - to help you to help him. The best rule of thumb I know for getting info from a child is to not talk down or up to him...act as if you're on equal footing, tell a story of your own mistakes or something...build more rapport so that he wants to confide and can feel safe doing so.

As a parent, sometimes all we can do is create an appropriate environment for self-discovery and interaction and just wait. And the tears effect us very much, but it's sometimes better to not make reference to them in order to avoid making matters worse. Children are usually not very disciplined, so it's all too easy to induce a negative self-reflection in them and then it just goes down hill from there.

 

[Mark]

I may be totally wrong about this, but it sounds like the boy might have an issue with being pressed to master one thing or another - even if that's his own perspective and not from any particular adult. Ensuring him that it's Ok to take as much time as he needs to learn whatever it is he's learning could possibly be helpful.

 

[MusicMan]

Hello T.C., I have four adult children and my wife was a family day carer for over twenty years so I have some experience with that as well as with music.

When a child who is learning to walk falls over, they have a tendency to cry, no doubt walking is difficult at first, but a wise parent will just stand them up, pat them on the bum and encourage them to continue.
I would guess that it is not your place to do the cuddling, seeing as you are the music teacher.

Perhaps you could try a change in playing style, change the drumsticks for something heavier or lighter, so as to influence the balance and take his mind off the problem and attack it from a different angle.
Maybe even tighten the skins on the drum to 'tune' it in case he is suffering from hearing infra-sound.

 

[herondancer]

All good suggestions T.C. and I think you took the best course in handling the situation. Perhaps your student has had a relatively easy time mastering his lessons so far, and now he's hit his first real technical difficulty? I've seen that happen with dance students at that same age. Unfortunately, time and practice are the only cures. Maybe in the course of his lesson mix it up by going back to something he does really well now and again, just to keep that sense of success going?

I think you're on to something with his lesson coming so soon after getting home. Could it be scheduled a half hour later, so he can unwind and have some food? This would be something to talk over with his mother.

 

[Sol Logos]

TC sounds like you did what you could without stepping on boundaries of the parent's responsibility. I probably would have done the same. In my opinion what you described points to a deeper issue, the mum stated her problem clearly and projected it on her son to follow suit. She puts on a "brave" face, stops herself crying, so should he. The problem with that is he was he was in a safe environment to be himself, at home, the mum made it unsafe (to be himself) perhaps out of her feeling ashamed. Parents often try to shut down kids in front of others because of the social fear they are seen as underperforming or bad parents. The mum seemed hypervigilent as you described coming in straightaway, seems like she knew something was up but was intent on getting him to "soldier on". I see that as setting the child up with a false sense that they can't cope with experiencing the full gamat of their emotions, which of course encourages them to shut down their emotional centre, be oblivious to their emotional responses and ultimately be driven by them. The alternative might have been her validating his feelings but encouraging him also. Like "I know its hard, you've had a tough day, I feel like that often but I kept at it and you know what, I'm super proud of you for doing what you love even when it's hard, I know you can do it too, mummy loves you so much.." A hug wouldn't go astray either. For me that's how we learn residence, by knowing we can experience emotional pain because we felt emotional security from our significant others, then we're able to internalise that and become secure in ourselves.

 

[Adaryn]

I think you're on to something with his lesson coming so soon after getting home. Could it be scheduled a half hour later, so he can unwind and have some food? This would be something to talk over with his mother.

I agree. It doesn't necessarily point to a deeper issue. Maybe the boy was just tired from school. Most kids today are submitted to very tight schedules, and they're simply exhausted, which can manifest as crying as a way to relieve tension. They need a quiet time to unwind after a busy school day. Activities outside school should be relaxing and fun, ideally. But most of the time, they carry with them this "pressure to perform" program inculcated in school, and it manifests in other areas.

 

[lainey]

I think you're on to something with his lesson coming so soon after getting home. Could it be scheduled a half hour later, so he can unwind and have some food? This would be something to talk over with his mother.

I agree. It doesn't necessarily point to a deeper issue. Maybe the boy was just tired from school. Most kids today are submitted to very tight schedules, and they're simply exhausted, which can manifest as crying as a way to relieve tension. They need a quiet time to unwind after a busy school day. Activities outside school should be relaxing and fun, ideally. But most of the time, they carry with them this "pressure to perform" program inculcated in school, and it manifests in other areas.

And to add to that perhaps the mum was taken aback by the tears because as you said it was out of character so maybe that's why she took so long to react.
Perhaps just observe for now and if it happens again perhaps talk to the mother.

 

[obyvatel]

[quote author=TC]
Guess I should be more clear on my question. What I'd have liked to understand better is as a parent, how difficult is it to find the balance between comforting and supporting a child during an emotional situation like the one I saw today, and encouraging a child to be strong and resilient in the face of difficulties.
[/quote]

Hi TC,
You may find some relevant information in this thread .

Fwiw, from what you wrote, I think the mother could have handled the situation differently. Asking a child to put on a smile when he is sad basically sends the message to the child to invalidate his emotion. It is possible that the mother felt a little embarrassed since you were there and the child did not usually behave like that.

I think you did the right thing under the circumstances.