Considering the social stigma that has been attached to smoking by the PTB, when a person knows their partner doesn't approve of the smoking and knows their partner has received the same brainwashing, it makes for a difficult situation.
The smoker (unless they've been reading the same research we've uncovered) has developed a belief that smoking is harmful and has to hide their habit from society for fear of rejection. The self is already rejecting the individual due to the brainwashing, so there's already significant friction and pain going on, on some level. To add to the mix, the partner also demonstrates contempt for smoking, thus threatening further rejection.
However, the draw to smoking is powerful. The additives can be highly addictive, there are several chemical rewards and physical and mental health benefits that go with smoking and it is pleasurable. As well, we've discovered there are some who are genetically predisposed to smoking. This creates a significant schism, since one part wants to quit and the other wants to continue. As much as hiding it from you, she also is hiding her lack of true commitment to quit from herself, fearing further judgment and rejection from both herself, her partner and society at large.
It's never as simple as "she lied to me".
You might want to read up on why we feel smoking is beneficial and why smoking bans exist. There's plenty of research and discussion, both on this forum and on SOTT - the search function should yield quite a bit, but an interesting thread is "Smoking is...good?" at: http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,84.0.html
Back to the shadow. If you read about Carl Jung's concept of the shadow, it's where we throw all of the aspects of ourselves that we feel are unacceptable, initially as children fearing the loss of parental love and later, as adults, fearing the loss of self love.
Families, cities and countries can have shadows, where there "perverse" or "barbaric" tendencies (at least, as seen through programmed perception), are relegated.
I'm thinking we can also create shadows of others, where we hide their behaviours that we don't want to see, from ourselves. Perhaps you were seeing the shadow you created of your partner and it revealed itself, or more fittingly, you chose to see it, albeit momentarily. This would therefore be more about a conversation between your conscious and subconscious than about your partner.
Something to consider, anyway.
I think you are being dishonest with yourself and your partner. Since you seem to hold honesty in such high regard, you might want to step outside yourself, as much as possible to consider some of the difficult truths that have been said to you.
Even though you feel this relationship isn't right, you are trying to save yourself the guilt from ending it by using the convenience of timing. The relationship is no better now than it will be after the family has dealt with this difficult situation. So, the honest to goodness truth is that you want to end your relationship. Everything else is rationalization and self protection.
Certainly, there's much to be said about protecting someone you care about from a further trauma when they are already wounded, so that could be your next discussion, be it with the forum, with friends and family or just with your self. But the first step would be to be clear and honest with yourself that you want to end this relationship and that you are intentionally hiding this truth, being dishonest, with your partner.
Perhaps your subconscious realization of this double standard that you apply to your partner but not yourself, triggered the shadow's appearance.
Gonzo
