Questioning my feeling to pursue relations with females

[Jono]

So this is something that's been on my mind a lot lately.

It's the first time in my adult life I've been single for a period of time greater than 6 months, and I find myself a lot of the time feeling the need for female connection in my life. Although I sometimes question whether this is just a mask for deeper biological urges. I spend the majority of my time with males, both in and out of work. The females that I do interact with 95% of the time are family.

I don't really have my hopes up for ever finding a suitable partner, especially since my reality is based in a deeply western-ized society (the UK). So I guess my question is, are there any healthy avenues to take that can relieve the pressure I'm feeling? Is it worth pursuing 'friendships' with females whilst everyone is so inherently messed up?

 

[riclapaz]

So this is something that's been on my mind a lot lately.

It's the first time in my adult life I've been single for a period of time greater than 6 months, and I find myself a lot of the time feeling the need for female connection in my life. Although I sometimes question whether this is just a mask for deeper biological urges. I spend the majority of my time with males, both in and out of work. The females that I do interact with 95% of the time are family.

I don't really have my hopes up for ever finding a suitable partner, especially since my reality is based in a deeply western-ized society (the UK). So I guess my question is, are there any healthy avenues to take that can relieve the pressure I'm feeling? Is it worth pursuing 'friendships' with females whilst everyone is so inherently messed up?

Hi, I'm giving my thoughts on this topic: I think it's healthy to have friends, how difficult is to find a real friendship, no matter whether male or female, currently I have only real friendship of a person, and I have come to the conclusion that It is unique and necessary for me, of course I have about people only as "known" not really friends, it could be that sometimes we must learn that we are in a world where most people are still on one side managed by beings from STS, we live in a world of STS, and most of the other part of humanity is to blindfold, then the picture is clarified a bit, it is also important to be alert to signs that the universe sends sometimes we find someone over our lives, whom we did not give the necessary importance, and we go to a real friendship, I think if you feel the need of a friend of the female gender, not despair, when the time is opportune could get?



In this thread you will find excellent advice about finding partners: https://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,36240.0.html

 

[patty2292]

Although i am not in the position you are in, i can feel how it would feel to be in it. Fully exiting from lifes earlier relationships is extremly hard, as im sure alot of us have experienced. And i do feel for the loneliness you must be feeling at times without a direct female companion in your life.
It definitely seems that something in you misses a certain comfort of another, directly the comfort we as males have only found in females? So you feel the need for it, now that it has gone away. I doubt this has anything to do with sexual, or biological urges for you on the most part. As we grow and mature, im sure it is the female/male natural bonding you are missing.

it is also important to be alert to signs that the universe sends sometimes we find someone over our lives, whom we did not give the necessary importance, and we go to a real friendship, I think if you feel the need of a friend of the female gender, not despair, when the time is opportune could get?

The only advice i can give is as riclapaz has said - do not despair and dread on it to much. The universe has given you a very ample opportunity and the space, which is at the moment perceived as loneliness, to focus on working on yourself.

I don't really have my hopes up for ever finding a suitable partner, especially since my reality is based in a deeply western-ized society (the UK). So I guess my question is, are there any healthy avenues to take that can relieve the pressure I'm feeling? Is it worth pursuing 'friendships' with females whilst everyone is so inherently messed up?

From the way youve said the first line, it seems you are already set on the idea that you will never find a partner who is on the same frequency as you. So you have anticipated that you are forever going to be without a partner... This, as anticipation of any kind does, will block your flow of energy to do great things. Possibly block the potential partner you seek from coming your way.

Focus on what you can; The Work, your friends, family, your diet, etc. I know it is extremely hard at times, but dont let this get you down. Grow into the space you have in front of you while the opportunity is there. Keep the energy flowing :) :)

 

[MusicMan]

So this is something that's been on my mind a lot lately.

It's the first time in my adult life I've been single for a period of time greater than 6 months, and I find myself a lot of the time feeling the need for female connection in my life. Although I sometimes question whether this is just a mask for deeper biological urges. I spend the majority of my time with males, both in and out of work. The females that I do interact with 95% of the time are family.

I don't really have my hopes up for ever finding a suitable partner, especially since my reality is based in a deeply western-ized society (the UK). So I guess my question is, are there any healthy avenues to take that can relieve the pressure I'm feeling? Is it worth pursuing 'friendships' with females whilst everyone is so inherently messed up?

Immerse yourself in the Work:
When your light shines from within, the 'moths' will be attracted to you.

It's easy to be glib, but if you move in circles where there are more females, then the choices will be greater, and you will also be able to identify those who are less pathological or narcissistic than others. Then keep in mind that there will be lessons to learn, and fun to be had.

 

[casper]

Sometimes in some stage of life the main reason why we can not find a partner can be that is not found in the adequate environment. It may be the case that we are in an environment where there is not enough free girls / boys, people of similar age, interests, etc. All in all, the context is very important. None of us lives in a social vacuum, but each has its own social milieu which it is formed or the milieu in which the people have chosen to live. Why is CONTEXT very important? Because context tells us about the person. If you are in an environment drastically different from the one in which you would like to be difficult in such an environment you will not find a person who is similar to you. Therefore reexamine whether you are surrounded by people you correspond, whether the context in which they are looking for partners of (or friends) is one in which you can find them. If the answer is No, change the context. Find the social milieu in which the greater the chance to meet someone who is similar to you. It is not said in vain: the wrong train each cell is incorrect. :)

 

[Alada]

I don't really have my hopes up for ever finding a suitable partner, especially since my reality is based in a deeply western-ized society (the UK). So I guess my question is, are there any healthy avenues to take that can relieve the pressure I'm feeling? Is it worth pursuing 'friendships' with females whilst everyone is so inherently messed up?

I think if you were pitching those as questions to the Cs, they’d be described as “too vague” as to be able to answer them. So maybe it might help to define what you mean. What does “pursuing ‘friendships’” mean? What are you looking for in that? In what sense is the word “pressure” used above?

I don’t think we have to get all ‘monk-like’ about life, living like hermits or whatever, Work is done out there ‘in the world’ after all, not in isolation. But at the same time we have to be very careful not to lie to ourselves to justify certain things while we’re out there. It can be very difficult at the best of times, maybe more so around this subject.

 

[lilyalic]

and I find myself a lot of the time feeling the need for female connection in my life. Although I sometimes question whether this is just a mask for deeper biological urges.

Do you think maybe this need for female connection is because it's easier to express emotions to females? I.e. it may be that you're not so good with expressing emotions and actually feeling them on your own? It seems pretty hard for males to converse when it involves those oh so dreaded emotions.

are there any healthy avenues to take that can relieve the pressure I'm feeling? Is it worth pursuing 'friendships' with females whilst everyone is so inherently messed up?

When you say pursuing friendships with females, it seems as though you deem it vital to be able to fill some kind of hole in your life. If you're seeking something externally, then maybe it's time to look deeper internally, at yourself, and why you have this certain hole that feels as though it needs filling with female interaction.

Also, try to be more self-compassionate, as you say it's the first time you've been single (without female connection) for longer than 6 months. So generally, you only have yourself to comfort where as before you had constant buffers. (you have us here on the forum, and your friends!!)

Immerse yourself in the Work:
When your light shines from within, the 'moths' will be attracted to you.

It's easy to be glib, but if you move in circles where there are more females, then the choices will be greater, and you will also be able to identify those who are less pathological or narcissistic than others. Then keep in mind that there will be lessons to learn, and fun to be had.

I agree! immerse yourself in the work :)

It's hard in the "work" when you haven't got a certain goal, or certain part that you think needs working on. So it's easy to make assumptions on what we need.

 

[Jono]

Thanks for the replies. Sorry about posting such a vague question also.

I think if you were pitching those as questions to the Cs, they’d be described as “too vague” as to be able to answer them. So maybe it might help to define what you mean. What does “pursuing ‘friendships’” mean? What are you looking for in that? In what sense is the word “pressure” used above?

I guess what I'm trying to express is that I've got a consistent feeling of something missing, and at the moment I'm only able to attribute it to a lack of feminine energy. It could go deeper than this though, such as the wounds from my previous relationship that still haven't fully healed.

I'll try and paraphrase something I wrote down in my journal the other night. It was nearing the evening and I was at home on the PC. I'd finished up working for the day and planned to read for a few hours. The familiar feeling of isolation came over me and triggered all sorts of negative emotions, the main one being loneliness, so I couldn't get into my planned reading. (A reoccurring scenario)

When I say the pressure of pursuing friendships, with a female in particular, I mean that when these feelings come up my mind shows that as a strategy that would get rid of the feeling. Usually I'll just ride it out and watch something until I'm tired, but it seems like a never ending drain. If that makes sense?

I don’t think we have to get all ‘monk-like’ about life, living like hermits or whatever, Work is done out there ‘in the world’ after all, not in isolation. But at the same time we have to be very careful not to lie to ourselves to justify certain things while we’re out there. It can be very difficult at the best of times, maybe more so around this subject.

Yeah, this is the fine line I'm trying to walk along, and so far I've decided it's best to err on the side of caution than get involved in anything silly again. I've met very few females who just 'want to be friends'. I recall something RedFox mentioned at one of the first meet-ups I attended, about the reason for the all the art work around the house being to fill in some of the missing feminine energy. (I may be off base with my memory here though).

Do you think maybe this need for female connection is because it's easier to express emotions to females? I.e. it may be that you're not so good with expressing emotions and actually feeling them on your own? It seems pretty hard for males to converse when it involves those oh so dreaded emotions.

Somewhat. It's always been easier for me to let down what feels like a guard when expressing my feelings to a woman. But at the moment (no offense at all intended to you, (we're friends in person)) I don't feel comfortable enough with anyone. I DO try, but just hit an immovable block most of the time. It does feel more possible to express myself to Huxley sometimes, since I pick up on the genuine compassion in his eyes. It'll probably be a good idea to work at this more with him, while avoiding any sort of feeding dynamic.

 

[RedFox]

I guess what I'm trying to express is that I've got a consistent feeling of something missing, and at the moment I'm only able to attribute it to a lack of feminine energy. It could go deeper than this though, such as the wounds from my previous relationship that still haven't fully healed.

Perhaps deep isn't needed. What would you be doing at this time when in the relationship? Whats your strongest memory of feeling this way?

I'll try and paraphrase something I wrote down in my journal the other night. It was nearing the evening and I was at home on the PC. I'd finished up working for the day and planned to read for a few hours. The familiar feeling of isolation came over me and triggered all sorts of negative emotions, the main one being loneliness, so I couldn't get into my planned reading. (A reoccurring scenario)

The reading thing is interesting - Reading as a form of life-support. IT may be worth pushing through that block and see what happens? Even if you fail it'd be useful data.

When I say the pressure of pursuing friendships, with a female in particular, I mean that when these feelings come up my mind shows that as a strategy that would get rid of the feeling. Usually I'll just ride it out and watch something until I'm tired, but it seems like a never ending drain. If that makes sense?

I'm guessing you are going to bed sometime after 11.30pm? How about changing that for 10-10.30pm?
Either it'll help greatly, or attempting that will bring up the same feelings as trying to read.

Yeah, this is the fine line I'm trying to walk along, and so far I've decided it's best to err on the side of caution than get involved in anything silly again. I've met very few females who just 'want to be friends'. I recall something RedFox mentioned at one of the first meet-ups I attended, about the reason for the all the art work around the house being to fill in some of the missing feminine energy. (I may be off base with my memory here though).

That was the idea. Alada made an interesting point a month or so ago, about being our own 'female side' when it comes to making our living spaces more feminine.
I can relate to what you're saying as it's something I've wrestled with.

Somewhat. It's always been easier for me to let down what feels like a guard when expressing my feelings to a woman. But at the moment (no offense at all intended to you, (we're friends in person)) I don't feel comfortable enough with anyone. I DO try, but just hit an immovable block most of the time. It does feel more possible to express myself to Huxley sometimes, since I pick up on the genuine compassion in his eyes. It'll probably be a good idea to work at this more with him, while avoiding any sort of feeding dynamic.

So the catch 22 is this: you're stressed (and probably over tired, which makes you more stressed). The default human method of stress relief is social connection - deep emotional connection, with people who make you feel safe and listened too (for men that tends to be women). Because you don't have that 'outlet' the pressure builds up and makes you more stressed. The more stress the more automatic/black and white, the more you 'want' a relationship (outlet).
Carl described feeling similar things I think.

The following thread may be of some help.

In short, although there are relationship narratives coming through it's actually about stress. Your default method of stress relief is a relationship. As you;re already stressed, the automatic mind goes to the only solution it knows.
Finding a way to be accepting of your own emotions, body states and mind would be a good step.
A useful question - what is your body tension and breathing like when the loneliness hits? Think of the loneliness as an alarm clock that says 'I'm stressed right now'.

If you need help/someone external to hold that safe place in order to calm your nervous system and get things out/de-stress then finding a good therapist may help. Body work may also be useful.

 

[Jono]

I guess what I'm trying to express is that I've got a consistent feeling of something missing, and at the moment I'm only able to attribute it to a lack of feminine energy. It could go deeper than this though, such as the wounds from my previous relationship that still haven't fully healed.

Perhaps deep isn't needed. What would you be doing at this time when in the relationship? Whats your strongest memory of feeling this way?

Chatting, cuddling and relaxing together I think.

I'll try and paraphrase something I wrote down in my journal the other night. It was nearing the evening and I was at home on the PC. I'd finished up working for the day and planned to read for a few hours. The familiar feeling of isolation came over me and triggered all sorts of negative emotions, the main one being loneliness, so I couldn't get into my planned reading. (A reoccurring scenario)

The reading thing is interesting - Reading as a form of life-support. IT may be worth pushing through that block and see what happens? Even if you fail it'd be useful data.

I'll keep what I've read in that article in mind and push through/take notes, thank you.

When I say the pressure of pursuing friendships, with a female in particular, I mean that when these feelings come up my mind shows that as a strategy that would get rid of the feeling. Usually I'll just ride it out and watch something until I'm tired, but it seems like a never ending drain. If that makes sense?

I'm guessing you are going to bed sometime after 11.30pm? How about changing that for 10-10.30pm?
Either it'll help greatly, or attempting that will bring up the same feelings as trying to read.

I usually aim for/take melatonin around 11pm, but I'll try settling down about 9pm and get to bed for 10pm.

Yeah, this is the fine line I'm trying to walk along, and so far I've decided it's best to err on the side of caution than get involved in anything silly again. I've met very few females who just 'want to be friends'. I recall something RedFox mentioned at one of the first meet-ups I attended, about the reason for the all the art work around the house being to fill in some of the missing feminine energy. (I may be off base with my memory here though).

That was the idea. Alada made an interesting point a month or so ago, about being our own 'female side' when it comes to making our living spaces more feminine.
I can relate to what you're saying as it's something I've wrestled with.

I'll give this some thought when I'm moving into my next residence. A bit of jamming on the guitar has helped in the past too.

Somewhat. It's always been easier for me to let down what feels like a guard when expressing my feelings to a woman. But at the moment (no offense at all intended to you, (we're friends in person)) I don't feel comfortable enough with anyone. I DO try, but just hit an immovable block most of the time. It does feel more possible to express myself to Huxley sometimes, since I pick up on the genuine compassion in his eyes. It'll probably be a good idea to work at this more with him, while avoiding any sort of feeding dynamic.

So the catch 22 is this: you're stressed (and probably over tired, which makes you more stressed). The default human method of stress relief is social connection - deep emotional connection, with people who make you feel safe and listened too (for men that tends to be women). Because you don't have that 'outlet' the pressure builds up and makes you more stressed. The more stress the more automatic/black and white, the more you 'want' a relationship (outlet).
Carl described feeling similar things I think.

The following thread may be of some help.

In short, although there are relationship narratives coming through it's actually about stress. Your default method of stress relief is a relationship. As you;re already stressed, the automatic mind goes to the only solution it knows.
Finding a way to be accepting of your own emotions, body states and mind would be a good step.
A useful question - what is your body tension and breathing like when the loneliness hits? Think of the loneliness as an alarm clock that says 'I'm stressed right now'.

If you need help/someone external to hold that safe place in order to calm your nervous system and get things out/de-stress then finding a good therapist may help. Body work may also be useful.

This makes total sense and is very applicable right now after starting a new job. I'll take notes on the breathing/body tension and posture the next time it hits. I think I'll try the free therapist at university first. Thank you very much RedFox, this has given me a great deal to work with.

 

[luke wilson]

Is it worth pursuing 'friendships' with females whilst everyone is so inherently messed up?

Is it worth pursuing 'friendships' with males whilst everyone is so inherently messed up? Look at it from this perspective...

I don't know what type of friendship you mean but I doubt you are conflicted as much when it comes to the 2nd statement as compared to the 1st.

I presume the bottom line is that you want a partner, not just a friend.

Lets start from a point of truth, then we can work forwards...

If it's any consolation, you aren't alone in this boat... having been in the boat for so long, forever in fact, I can tell you that the feeling is just that a feeling... it's not a lion hiding out in a bush that will devour you. It's just a feeling. I think and truly believe, to do something for fear of something else, is not the right way to go. To surround yourself with people, for fear of being alone, is not the right way to build social connections. To befriend girls, for fear of feeling lonely, is not the right way to do it.

Why? I think it covers up the underlying problem. You may feel better for a while, but that hole will always be there, artificially covered over. You have to plug that hole within yourself. You have to heal yourself. It's just feelings, they terrorise us, but we have to do battle with them. We have to figure them out. Don't do things for the wrong reasons. Pay them homage but don't let them make you forget the path you are on - to become full, to become whole.

But yeah, real friendships are hard to forge... take time, patience, willingness from 2 sides... it's even harder when you are involved in this work... how can you pursue what is true when the other side has no such interest? it's hard but you can have amicable friendships, friendships of respect, friendships of tolerance...

I have friends from both sides.. girls and guys. I'll tell you what, you'll still run into the same problem, the feeling cannot be covered up by just friendship. The deep feeling of loneliness can't be covered from outside unless you are so lucky as to build a healing relationship with another person, and this isn't easy to begin with... otherwise, you'll really have to dive in deep and do battle with these demons.

my 2 cents.

 

[mocachapeau]

In short, although there are relationship narratives coming through it's actually about stress. Your default method of stress relief is a relationship. As you;re already stressed, the automatic mind goes to the only solution it knows.

Hi Immersion,

When I read this comment it brought me back to something you wrote in your first post:

It's the first time in my adult life I've been single for a period of time greater than 6 months, and I find myself a lot of the time feeling the need for female connection in my life.

I see from your profile that you are quite young, so maybe it is hard to identify a pattern in your behaviour. But if you have already been in several relationships in three or four years, and you normally don't remain single very long, it may be that you have been using relationships in the way RedFox has described - to relieve some kind of stress. That makes the relationships sound like some kind of useful tool, which doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

I agree that trying to identify the source of that stress, and finding a healthy way to relieve it, by yourself, could be very helpful. It could open you up to the possibility of having a relationship based on love, without any kind of dependency issues, if you should stumble upon the right person. It seems to me that being in a relationship because you "need" it, is a red flag that you might want to investigate.

I believe I went through pretty much the same thing at your age so I am not saying this in a judgmental way.

I hope this has been helpful.

 

[Alada]

I guess what I'm trying to express is that I've got a consistent feeling of something missing, and at the moment I'm only able to attribute it to a lack of feminine energy. It could go deeper than this though, such as the wounds from my previous relationship that still haven't fully healed.

I'll try and paraphrase something I wrote down in my journal the other night. It was nearing the evening and I was at home on the PC. I'd finished up working for the day and planned to read for a few hours. The familiar feeling of isolation came over me and triggered all sorts of negative emotions, the main one being loneliness, so I couldn't get into my planned reading. (A reoccurring scenario)

When I say the pressure of pursuing friendships, with a female in particular, I mean that when these feelings come up my mind shows that as a strategy that would get rid of the feeling. Usually I'll just ride it out and watch something until I'm tired, but it seems like a never ending drain. If that makes sense?

Yep, that makes sense. It’s a difficult one and I do understand. Maybe when it’s late in the day and your find yourself drifting into that kind of sate you can go into it in your journal more, try to get to the roots of it, what emotions come up, what thoughts. Maybe you can even write in your journal to your as yet undiscovered partner, express those thoughts and emotions directly there.

Is a heck of a frustration, and yeah you imagine all hope is lost when you think of the inner world of most folk, you could go for the ‘relationship’ with the next person who comes along and ticks the body attraction boxes but consciously we know where that road leads, so conscience precludes it. That’s where you find conflict arises, the difference between what your body or emotions want to do, and what conscience tell you. Something to consider.

So what do we wish for then? Someone who is awake, aware, responsible, both emotionally and intellectually, someone who can help us grow to be the best that we can be, someone for whom we can reciprocate the very same things. Questions arise: Are we yet such a person? Are there many such women/men out there? We can go from noble thoughts back to ‘woe is me’ in very short order when faced with the reality of it, but I guess it shows us what to work on. I still loop around the same questions at times, believe me.

So I guess all we can do it work on ourselves, and given that we wish for something very special, be prepared to wait patiently while we work.

As others have pointed out, and you yourself note, it might be a case of working on those repressed emotions to free them up a bit. If its that feeling which the urge to find comfort in a relationship is trying to fix, then there are other ways. Same goes for the sense of isolation, the more we share to more we can work on that. We are only ever as alone as we make ourselves when there is the network to hand, so its kind of self imposed isolation really if we’re honest about it.

It's always been easier for me to let down what feels like a guard when expressing my feelings to a woman. But at the moment (no offense at all intended to you, (we're friends in person)) I don't feel comfortable enough with anyone. I DO try, but just hit an immovable block most of the time. It does feel more possible to express myself to Huxley sometimes, since I pick up on the genuine compassion in his eyes. It'll probably be a good idea to work at this more with him, while avoiding any sort of feeding dynamic.

Well, your doing a good job to begin working on that here I reckon. Might be another thing to network about, why you feel unable to express yourself, especially around men. Remember, within the context of the network things are different, there are safe, private areas for things you don’t want to air in public if that makes it easier. One way or another we have to learn how to commueicate effectively here, without fear or inhibition. It is difficult, learning how to go against certain ingrained programs, but the effort to liberate ourselves from such limitations is truly worth the effort. And as others have said, your working not just for yourself but for the person you wish to eventually meet.

First we have to heal ourselves I think, not look to others to fix us.

 

[Menna]

I find myself a lot of the time feeling the need for female connection in my life.

We have a male and female part of us. Maybe do some research on this to find out ways to connect with the female part. Rekki sessions are great to see what part of us is hogging more energy the left or right female or male. At your age there are most likely more parts of yourself that you are to discover/learn about - You don't need a female for this.

especially since my reality is based in a deeply western-ized society (the UK)

There can't be a female that has a reality based in the UK?

healthy avenues to take that can relieve the pressure I'm feeling?

Self discovery

Is it worth pursuing 'friendships' with females whilst

everyone

is so inherently messed up?

Na, not everyone, majority but not everyone. Just because something might seem hard, daunting or very hard to do don't let black and white thinking completely cut off the possibility because then it will restrict the opportunities in your life. I can't tell you if its worth pursing. I wouldn't shy away from it on purpose but if it doesn't happen organically you don't have to force it be balanced in your mindset of this.

 

[Jono]

In short, although there are relationship narratives coming through it's actually about stress. Your default method of stress relief is a relationship. As you;re already stressed, the automatic mind goes to the only solution it knows.

Hi Immersion,

When I read this comment it brought me back to something you wrote in your first post:

It's the first time in my adult life I've been single for a period of time greater than 6 months, and I find myself a lot of the time feeling the need for female connection in my life.

I see from your profile that you are quite young, so maybe it is hard to identify a pattern in your behaviour. But if you have already been in several relationships in three or four years, and you normally don't remain single very long, it may be that you have been using relationships in the way RedFox has described - to relieve some kind of stress. That makes the relationships sound like some kind of useful tool, which doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

I agree that trying to identify the source of that stress, and finding a healthy way to relieve it, by yourself, could be very helpful. It could open you up to the possibility of having a relationship based on love, without any kind of dependency issues, if you should stumble upon the right person. It seems to me that being in a relationship because you "need" it, is a red flag that you might want to investigate.

I believe I went through pretty much the same thing at your age so I am not saying this in a judgmental way.

I hope this has been helpful.

Thanks mocachapeau, it was. It's true that my last relationship turned seriously unhealthy towards the last year of it. After what Redfox said, I've realised I'm not very good at noticing when I'm stressed. It's helped to observe my thoughts more, and when I notice they're getting negative it's a good indicator I'm under stress. Some pipe breathing, smoking, walking and fresh air seems to sort that out - as long as I catch these thoughts and feelings early before going into self pitty mode. At times it feels like an uphill battle, but it's definitely got better if I compare my mind now to a couple of months ago.

I guess what I'm trying to express is that I've got a consistent feeling of something missing, and at the moment I'm only able to attribute it to a lack of feminine energy. It could go deeper than this though, such as the wounds from my previous relationship that still haven't fully healed.

I'll try and paraphrase something I wrote down in my journal the other night. It was nearing the evening and I was at home on the PC. I'd finished up working for the day and planned to read for a few hours. The familiar feeling of isolation came over me and triggered all sorts of negative emotions, the main one being loneliness, so I couldn't get into my planned reading. (A reoccurring scenario)

When I say the pressure of pursuing friendships, with a female in particular, I mean that when these feelings come up my mind shows that as a strategy that would get rid of the feeling. Usually I'll just ride it out and watch something until I'm tired, but it seems like a never ending drain. If that makes sense?

Yep, that makes sense. It’s a difficult one and I do understand. Maybe when it’s late in the day and your find yourself drifting into that kind of sate you can go into it in your journal more, try to get to the roots of it, what emotions come up, what thoughts. Maybe you can even write in your journal to your as yet undiscovered partner, express those thoughts and emotions directly there.

Is a heck of a frustration, and yeah you imagine all hope is lost when you think of the inner world of most folk, you could go for the ‘relationship’ with the next person who comes along and ticks the body attraction boxes but consciously we know where that road leads, so conscience precludes it. That’s where you find conflict arises, the difference between what your body or emotions want to do, and what conscience tell you. Something to consider.

So what do we wish for then? Someone who is awake, aware, responsible, both emotionally and intellectually, someone who can help us grow to be the best that we can be, someone for whom we can reciprocate the very same things. Questions arise: Are we yet such a person? Are there many such women/men out there? We can go from noble thoughts back to ‘woe is me’ in very short order when faced with the reality of it, but I guess it shows us what to work on. I still loop around the same questions at times, believe me.

So I guess all we can do it work on ourselves, and given that we wish for something very special, be prepared to wait patiently while we work.

As others have pointed out, and you yourself note, it might be a case of working on those repressed emotions to free them up a bit. If its that feeling which the urge to find comfort in a relationship is trying to fix, then there are other ways. Same goes for the sense of isolation, the more we share to more we can work on that. We are only ever as alone as we make ourselves when there is the network to hand, so its kind of self imposed isolation really if we’re honest about it.

It's always been easier for me to let down what feels like a guard when expressing my feelings to a woman. But at the moment (no offense at all intended to you, (we're friends in person)) I don't feel comfortable enough with anyone. I DO try, but just hit an immovable block most of the time. It does feel more possible to express myself to Huxley sometimes, since I pick up on the genuine compassion in his eyes. It'll probably be a good idea to work at this more with him, while avoiding any sort of feeding dynamic.

Well, your doing a good job to begin working on that here I reckon. Might be another thing to network about, why you feel unable to express yourself, especially around men. Remember, within the context of the network things are different, there are safe, private areas for things you don’t want to air in public if that makes it easier. One way or another we have to learn how to commueicate effectively here, without fear or inhibition. It is difficult, learning how to go against certain ingrained programs, but the effort to liberate ourselves from such limitations is truly worth the effort. And as others have said, your working not just for yourself but for the person you wish to eventually meet.

First we have to heal ourselves I think, not look to others to fix us.

All I can say now is thank you Alada. I'll be printing this thread out so I can go through it better, and hopefully come back with some more data.

Thanks ya'll for your replies, they've all been read, considered and appreciated.