Raising a family on one salary

[latulipenoire]

Hello all,

I thought I could ask you some advice about something that is worrying me and my wife recently. Ever since the birth of our daughter last year, we simply didn't consider as an option my wife not returning to work after her maternity leave. We both thought that our baby would gradually adapt to these new circumstances if we'd just be patient and persistent a couple of weeks before her return, so we could leave her with my parents and she could work as before.

Well, things are not working that way. For almost a week now we've tried to do things like we were already working (I'm currently on vacation) with my parents staying with us as we were observing them and explaining how we usually take care of the baby. Laura (the baby!) is very upset at this turn of events, even being unable to sleep and crying non-stop at night, something that didn't happen before. So now we are very troubled and my wife is seriously considering staying at home.

The issue is that our budget would be tight in this arrangement, but I think we could live like this. What worries me most is her being unable later to find a job. In any case, I think that both mother and baby would be happier staying more time together, and that we could regret in a later time not being courageous now and having faith in the universe and in our capabilities to provide for our family no matter what. Have any of you passed through this and what did you choose?

Thank you in advance for reading!

 

[zak]

Hi latulipenoire,

I think that "almost one week", it's pretty short to accustom a so big changing for your baby.
For us sometimes we need some baby steps, so for some babies, tiny baby steps. :)

And for your wife's job, do you already consider a part time job, or the possibility of one ?
It's a way "de couper la poire en deux" (to split de difference), you'll be less tight in your budget (even you think that you can live
with this).
And in the same time she will pass more time with your baby, maybe less than if she doesn't work, but more than if she worked
full time.

You have to know that i didn't pass through this, so i did not to choose.

 

[latulipenoire]

Hi latulipenoire,

I think that "almost one week", it's pretty short to accustom a so big changing for your baby.
For us sometimes we need some baby steps, so for some babies, tiny baby steps. :)

And for your wife's job, do you already consider a part time job, or the possibility of one ?
It's a way "de couper la poire en deux" (to split de difference), you'll be less tight in your budget (even you think that you can live
with this).
And in the same time she will pass more time with your baby, maybe less than if she doesn't work, but more than if she worked
full time.

You have to know that i didn't pass through this, so i did not to choose.

Hello zak,

Indeed, it seems we've forgotten the rule of baby steps! And to think that we've had so much patience until now, she being a pre-term baby and all...I'll think about this, maybe we set up our expectations at this level (to be accustomed to other people for long periods of time) because she has grown so much these past months...

My wife is now looking for a part-time job too (and maybe working from home as a freelance translator) that would be really great, to have more time with the baby and still earning some money...What I'm telling her is that no matter what happens, we'll find a way, though I don't want to decide in desperation, with fear. That we have to trust that our family will be able to take care of the baby when we're not with her, eventually. Just some thoughts now...

Thank you for the feedback!

 

[Gary]

The issue is that our budget would be tight in this arrangement, but I think we could live like this. What worries me most is her being unable later to find a job. In any case, I think that both mother and baby would be happier staying more time together, and that we could regret in a later time not being courageous now and having faith in the universe and in our capabilities to provide for our family no matter what. Have any of you passed through this and what did you choose?

Hi latulipenoire,

I think that wherever possible it is preferable for the baby to have its mother with her. Or the father if need be, I was a 'house husband' for a few years as my ex wife couldn't cope. At this stage of a baby's development it is important to have this bond with parents.

As you have family support with your parents perhaps your wife could get a part-time job if need be or as you say work from home as a freelance translator.

Maybe you can think of other ways to budget also to help with the family finances? Enjoy these special times with your daughter! :)

 

[daddycat]

The issue is that our budget would be tight in this arrangement, but I think we could live like this. What worries me most is her being unable later to find a job. In any case, I think that both mother and baby would be happier staying more time together, and that we could regret in a later time not being courageous now and having faith in the universe and in our capabilities to provide for our family no matter what.

It sounds to me like you know that the baby and mother need more time together. The issue of whether staying home is temporary or permanent can be decided later. I think you should trust your instinct and judgment that staying home is best for the baby.

I think children should be cared for by at least one of their parents if possible. I think it is especially sad for babies to be handed away all day, from early in the morning until the evening.

 

[Altair]

Hello all,

I thought I could ask you some advice about something that is worrying me and my wife recently. Ever since the birth of our daughter last year, we simply didn't consider as an option my wife not returning to work after her maternity leave. We both thought that our baby would gradually adapt to these new circumstances if we'd just be patient and persistent a couple of weeks before her return, so we could leave her with my parents and she could work as before.

Well, things are not working that way. For almost a week now we've tried to do things like we were already working (I'm currently on vacation) with my parents staying with us as we were observing them and explaining how we usually take care of the baby. Laura (the baby!) is very upset at this turn of events, even being unable to sleep and crying non-stop at night, something that didn't happen before. So now we are very troubled and my wife is seriously considering staying at home.

The issue is that our budget would be tight in this arrangement, but I think we could live like this. What worries me most is her being unable later to find a job. In any case, I think that both mother and baby would be happier staying more time together, and that we could regret in a later time not being courageous now and having faith in the universe and in our capabilities to provide for our family no matter what. Have any of you passed through this and what did you choose?

Thank you in advance for reading!

Have you looked into online jobs? I mean, the jobs that could be done at home via Internet. Depending on the country you live in you may also look into getting some child benefits from the state and check the possibility of reducing of tax burden due to small child.

 

[duyunne]

Hi latulipenoire

Prior to the birth of my son, my wife and I both had full time employment and our cost of living certainly depended on our dual employment situation.

Like you, we imagined that we would both be working full time and that our son would be at home with his Grandmother.

This did not happen exactly the way we expected.

After he was diagnosed with autism, we still worked (he was 3 by this point) but we had to arrange shifts where I could be available to take him to his services (autistm intervention) and my wife would pick him up once it ended and vice versa, where I would pick him up and she would drop him off. Eventually my wife lost her job and became a freelance designer, this made it all much easier.

As he got older, he got harder and would require full time 1 on 1 care. As well, funding for his services ended when he turned 6, so we had to move to a new province.

The cost of living int he new province was astronomical. We imagined prior to moving that we would both be working, my wife would be working freelance from home, so we could make things work...

This didn't work out.

He couldn't be left unattended while she did design when I was at work so it would have to take place at night. She was essentially working double-shifts as result of this, basically being a caregiver in the day and a designer all night and it was too difficult to keep up.

Eventually her freelance work slowed down and she simply didn't pick anything new up.

The idea of leaving our child with a day care was downright disturbing to us as he was non verbal so that wasn't an option. The same for school now that he is old enough - we opted to home school.

Eventually we just rolled with it. I wound up inadvertently becoming the sole income for my family and we struggle constantly but we seem to make ends meet. Always. It's an odd thing too because we just don't have the income to cover all our expenses due to various debts but we keep finding ways to make ends meet. From pay day loans, to borrowing money from friends or finding ways to budget. Eventually, I've crawled out of some of my debt and we're now living a little more comfortably without having to gather assistance from said sources.

So yeah - now we're a single income family. Which is something that is just very rare to come across in greater Vancouver region - especially in my pay bracket.

It's stressful but at the end of the day, I'd prefer this struggle than to leave my son at a day care or public school!


...and we always have a full fridge and rent paid. so... at the end of the day If the necessities of life can be covered, then why not one of us stay home?

Right now, we're currently discussing the possibility of our 'switching' where I become the primary care giver while my wife does design (as she has the chance to make better money than I could).

 

[Michael B-C]

The issue is that our budget would be tight in this arrangement, but I think we could live like this. What worries me most is her being unable later to find a job. In any case, I think that both mother and baby would be happier staying more time together, and that we could regret in a later time not being courageous now and having faith in the universe and in our capabilities to provide for our family no matter what. Have any of you passed through this and what did you choose?

Hi latulipenoire

You asked for others to share their experiences of this dilemma. Been there, seen it, got the blotch-marked T shirt!

You're paragraph above stands out to me. It might be that all of the above will end up being true and that dealing with these changes as you develop as a family unit may be a valuable source of learning and of growth. You are only at the first steps of a whole new phase and it will take you in directions of change and evolution that you cannot yet know or even imagine. The people you were before the advent of the birth are now part of your past experience; becoming a threesome changes the previous dynamic and each will bring change to the others going forward. So much depends on how you grow and change into the role of parents and couple, and often complex dynamic, with both sexes maybe responding from a primal need or suppressing the same. Every couple/family unit is different with different personal responses to new circumstances.

It will be a challenge if a previously two income stability is reduced significantly. Either parent can go through quite a personality shift, especially Mother's who often can change quite significantly over the first year/s of the experience. My wife never for a second thought of herself as maternal but once our son came along she transformed into a meta-mother (wonderful to behold), and although we/I had always assumed she would return to work within a reasonable period of time, she didn't do so in fact for 15 years, with two teenage children to her name. This neither of us would have expected of her at the start but it just happened naturally.

I would suggest that you should have confidence, as you say, in the universe and allow matters to develop naturally. The key issue is that bond between child and mother and of course with a supportive and loving father. Be aware, however, of the potential costs involved. The modern two income family, being both often a forced necessity but also in some terms a luxury (allowing each to have a personally expressed life beyond the family unit - if that is the choice) creates the potential for a certain level of mutual expectancy - the right to be fulfilled by work expression outside the family also bringing with it the potential for secret antagonisms if the pattern is broken over a long period of time say by one party or other. I found towards the end of our single income experience that a level of resentment grew up on my behalf - for years I ended up having to take work on the basis purely of what was best for the financial security of the family (and the responsibility for the same in a very precarious profession a constant burden and concern) and on the way I actually lost much of my original purpose and ownership over an important aspect of myself. This culminated with me having to work abroad for 3 years in a job I really did not want to do just to feed and roof the family, living on my own and having to exist in near penury so as to fund 'their' life. This became very destructive to all of us. So its important that whatever you both choose you all acknowledge the potential losses and potential pit falls.

Baby steps as others have said. Those first years are so vital to bonding and security and if you can possibly manage on the one income the rewards to the child and the family as a whole are enormous. The best advice I can give is to have a go but make sure you both communicate regularly and honestly about your feelings about your new circumstances as they take shape. You might also want to think about the likelihood or not of another child, or more, arriving in the next few years. Life has a funny way of doing the unexpected and before you know where you are everything is different and all these new challenges come with both benefits and costs.

Good luck to you and the family. Belated congratulations by the way! Becoming, being, failing, learning, giving, hoping, growing - what a gift to you all! :D :D

 

[HifromGrace]

I'm going to echo what others have said - you always find a way to make ends meet, and once you get over the hump, it's not a big deal.

I think of this as temporary (I quit my job 4 yrs ago to homeschool our son), it's not ideal (neither was my career situation), but we don't live with "woulda, shoulda, coulda." I very much have grown to embrace motherhood now.

Your wife can always find work again. I believe it's an exaggerated fear about having that gap in a woman's resume - look at it this way, the majority of HR employees are women too and they get it, they don't judge the need to take a few years off to care for your family, it's rather normal and common.

Perhaps your wife can also do career-pertinent volunteering to boost her resume & maintain contacts (career contacts, but also valuable adult interactions/social life (vs only w child 24/7)).

Something I do for extra income is summer time childcare for my son's friends from daycare (and he's 10 now0. It's rather ideal - he maintains meaningful relationships, I get to hang out w parents that I've always liked, we get extra income, but we also get the rest of the year to ourselves - it's pretty great!

My life is harder staying at home, but FAR more meaningful. I feel like I finally have a life worth living!

 

[duyunne]

My life is harder staying at home, but FAR more meaningful.

I agree. I find it rewarding to defiantly go against the new norm of dual income family standards.

latulipenoire, I hope it works out for you.

 

[latulipenoire]

Hello again!

Thank you for your replies, it's great to have so many insights and experiences about such a difficult decision. I really appreciate what you've done, sharing these perspectives. Our situation now (for this week) is this: My wife is going to work normally to see if both she and the baby could adapt to these new circumstances while I'm using my last week of vacation to help my parents take care of the baby, this time without my wife aroung observing (and getting worried!). The only problem is that my mother got sick (she thinks it's flu) and the baby also got sick (coughing and sneezing and being less active and prone to being upset quickly). So it's just me and my father now with the baby during the daytime for the rest of the week.

So, nothing is certain yet and each day brings new adventures! But we have faith in the process! Thanks again!

 

[Liana]

It's a difficult desigion, naturally it's proper to stay with a baby intil at least 3 y.o. (more if possible), as a matter of fact money issue comes often. If you can support your family, let her stay at home for a while. Why do you think she won't find a job after few years? If she wants she will.

 

[Gawan]

It's a difficult desigion, naturally it's proper to stay with a baby intil at least 3 y.o. (more if possible), as a matter of fact money issue comes often. If you can support your family, let her stay at home for a while. Why do you think she won't find a job after few years? If she wants she will.

Welcome to our forum, Liana. Seeing as this is your first post on the forum, we would appreciate it if you would post a brief intro about yourself in the Newbies section, telling us how you found this forum, how long you've been reading it and/or the SOTT page, whether or not you've read any of Laura's books yet, etc.