Reality Crashes Down

[aurora]

Dear Ominous,

Yes, it hurts a lot. But as almost everyone before me has told you, the children come first. One advice, never tell the children anything bad about their mother. Maybe you can ask for professional help for explaining the situation to your children . You will find out that you are much stronger than you thought. There will be mourning for the death of a relationship and this is all normal. I have also gone through a much painful divorce. The children are affected, encourage them to speak freely of their emotions. What I have learned from my divorce was not to trust anyone entirely and to always have a plan B, in case the conditions changed. Believe me you will feel much better as time goes by. Maybe something good will come out of this seemingly bad situation.

 

[Bar Kochba]

Now I See

There is no helping someone who doesn't want it. How in the world could a mother choose drugs over her own children? being a former addict, I got clean for my kids. I realized I couldn't be selfish anymore. Why can't the mother do the same?
for her kids!

 

[Jacques]

Re: Now I See

There is no helping someone who doesn't want it. How in the world could a mother choose drugs over her own children? being a former addict, I got clean for my kids. I realized I couldn't be selfish anymore. Why can't the mother do the same?
for her kids!

I am not sure that she chooses drugs over her children . I would say that she chooses herself in first over her children.

Why a mother do that?

Have-you read the suggestred psychological books? Those may help you to understand why?

 

[Bar Kochba]

Re: Now I See

Yes, I've read much of the material on psychology & psychopathy. If I would've been ready to take ppl's advice months ago, I could've avoided this. Now we are a month behind on rent, she took all the money and has disappeared, haven't seen her in 2 days, I'm worried that she might be dead. But I have concluded that its out of my hands. The only concern I have now is my children. To be a strong figure for them, to make things right financially (which I don't know how that's going to work, going from 2 incomes to 1), and move on. She asked for my help, I tried to help her but aside from chaining her to the bedpost, there was no real way to help her. I suppose my real question is how can she put herself before her children? That does NOT compute with me. Now she's put us in a horrible spot, & I helped by refusing to "see." I do feel able to get thru whatever is to come tho. I feel an inner strength that wasn't there before.

 

[anart]

Re: Now I See

Bar Kochba,

The simple fact that you not only didn't see this coming but that you still don't understand how she would do this means you haven't understood one word of what you've read.  How long has this gone on now with this forum suggesting things to improve your situation that you fully ignore because of your wishful thinking and refusing to see the truth.  Even now - you still can't see it - you still don't see it.

Until you make the deeply visceral choice to see things as they ARE instead of how you want them to be, nothing - and I mean nothing - in your life will change.  People suffer until they've learned enough to not suffer anymore - and learning cannot happen if one clings so tightly to their illusions that nothing else can be seen.

You are also 'ominous' and 'jason' on this forum, correct?  I've merged two of your several threads on this topic so that others get the context of your posts.

 

[Adaryn]

Hi Bar Kochba,

I second Anart on this. One of the first things the psychology books mention (the Narcissistic Family particularly insists on this) is that in order to heal, one has to see and accept things as they ARE. Only then one can move on and do something about their life/relation/whatever issue they have. The fact you're still asking "why" and "how can she" shows that you still don't see and refuse to accept reality about your wife, as it is.

 

[Bar Kochba]

Yes, I apologize for not making my name clear. When I came back the 1st time, I had to start a new account thus I went from Ominous to Bar Kochba. When I came back the 2nd time, I found my name changed to Jason. So I switched it back to Bar Kochba. So, from what I'm gathering, its possible for a person to turn INTO a psychopath? Or at least exhibit those tendancies? I WANT to SEE. I thought I had a fairly good grasp of the situation by admitting her fate is her own and the children are my only concern.

 

[Adaryn]

So, from what I'm gathering, its possible for a person to turn INTO a psychopath? Or at least exhibit those tendancies? I WANT to SEE. I thought I had a fairly good grasp of the situation by admitting her fate is her own and the children are my only concern.

Psychopath or not, the fact is that you and your children suffer from this situation – their mother hooked on drugs, cheating on you. Another fact is that she most probably won't change (I've reviewed the precedent posts, and it was the same exact situation 6 months ago). Do you see this and accept it? From then on, what do you want to do about it? How do you really feel? These are the things you might want to ask yourself. But as stated before, you really won't be able to do anything if you still have any hope that you can change her and help her.
These are just my 2 cents.

 

[PepperFritz]

I WANT to SEE. I thought I had a fairly good grasp of the situation by admitting her fate is her own and the children are my only concern.

When you told yourself that "the children are my only concern", you were lying to yourself. Otherwise, you would not still be living with your wife, exposing your children to harm and the damage of living with a narcissistic drug addict. You ask how your children's mother could choose drugs and her own selfish needs over their needs. But you should be asking YOURSELF why YOU continue to choose your OWN selfish needs (the need to continue to believe in a fantasy over reality) over the immediate needs of your children. Do you not SEE that you are doing that? Do you honestly still delude yourself that you are acting in the best interests of your children?

 

[Hildegarda]

wait, it's six months later and you are still in the same living and family arrangement? and you are asking why your reality keeps crashing down? well, I don't think it hit the bottom yet, but what other evidence do you need? and how much more your kids have to suffer for you to start acting on what you have learned? what have you been doing for these six months? watching you wife continue to cheat on you while neglecting the family? why?

 

[Bar Kochba]

Ok, but its not that simple. We have nowhere to go. The bills are a month behind. Yes, I've accepted that there is no changing her. The children & I live at the house, she doesn't come home nor see the kids at all. I have no family or friends who can take me AND the kids, & I certainly won't leave them. It isn't the same exact situation as before; the only family I'm trying to save is 2 children & their father. I won't put up with this crap any longer. It'll just keep repeating. She leaves, we stay.

 

[PepperFritz]

Ok, but its not that simple. We have nowhere to go. The bills are a month behind. Yes, I've accepted that there is no changing her. The children & I live at the house, she doesn't come home nor see the kids at all. I have no family or friends who can take me AND the kids, & I certainly won't leave them. It isn't the same exact situation as before; the only family I'm trying to save is 2 children & their father. I won't put up with this crap any longer. It'll just keep repeating. She leaves, we stay.

OK, I'm confused. The above post doesn't make sense. We are asking why you are maintaining the same living arrangement -- i.e. you, your wife, and the children all under one roof. You reply that:

...she doesn't come home nor see the kids at all....

Which isn't quite the same as "She doesn't live here anymore". Where is she when she's not "home"? Why do you (and she) still consider it her "home" if "she doesn't come home"? In view of her abandonment of you and the children, why have you not thrown her stuff out and changed the locks on the door to make it clear that it is no longer her "home"? I don't understand.

At the same time that you say "she doesn't come home", you also say:

...its not that simple. We have nowhere to go. The bills are a month behind.... I have no family or friends who can take me AND the kids, & I certainly won't leave them....

What does your financial and housing situation have to do with your wife? From what you have posted thus far, I understand that she is a drug addict who never comes home. From that characterization I assume that she does not hold down a job and/or contribute to the rent/household expenses, yes? If so, permanently kicking her to the curb is not going to make your financial/housing situation any WORSE, is it? And I don't get what you mean by "I certainly won't leave them". I can only assume you mean "leave them" with your wife, yes? But I thought you said she never comes home or sees the kids.... Again, I don't understand.

I won't put up with this crap any longer. It'll just keep repeating. She leaves, we stay.

You were saying that six months ago. You said she never comes home. Doesn't that mean that she HAS left? What is it that you think will "just keep repeating"? Her not coming home? Again, I don't understand.

Please clarify: What specifically is preventing you from permanently ejecting your wife and her belongings from the house, changing the locks on the doors, and moving on with you and your children's lives? It sounds as though you are still in the same limbo that you were in six months ago, waiting for her to DECIDE -- to either give up drugs and come back to you and the children, or to permanently leave the family home. Why are you waiting for her to DECIDE? What is stopping YOU from DECIDING?

 

[Bar Kochba]

I use those terms out of familiarity. Both our names are on the lease, and she does have a job. We split the bills. Altho I do hope she cleans up for the kids' sake, we, as a unit, are no more regardless. My plan is to find a way to catch up on bills (she should pay cause she blew the $ tho), stay at the house for another month or however long the landlord will have us, and set up a cheaper place in the interim. She can get her stuff and go (when I talk to her again). You're helping me to organize myself.

 

[Whatisreal]

I'm new to the posting group but having been through a difficult divorce, I thought maybe some personal perspectives might help....

My experience went through the normal rounds of counseling which yielded nothing except frustration and cost......examine your heart and if the relationship is broken, acknowledge that. It will take time and likely a substantial amount of pain but that acknowledgement is extremely important - it allows you to cross a bridge and to pursue the path of your future with your head held high. There will be the temptations to attack - especially if you are verbally or emotionally attacked. Always best to just walk away and let tomorrow bring a new day....despite the pain, don't let anger become a ruling force in your life. It only steals your energy.

If you need to have a talk with your partner about moving along in different directions, I would advise doing it out of doors in a pleasant place. There is often so much emotional pain tied to the home location that this eases the transition process.

If your partner is confused and doesn't know what direction to choose, perhaps separation is the best choice - from that place, you can each decide if you want the relationship to work and are willing to apply the energy to make that happen.

Just to keep this short, several years after my divorce (no kids), I was alone and one night the phone rang. It turned out to be an ex-girlfriend from college (some 25 years prior in my case) that was in a failing marriage with 2 kids and here we are 3 years later as happy as I've ever been. Sometimes roads come to an end because others are meant to open. My very best wishes to you....

 

[Sleepy]

I am very sorry if I hurt someones feelings, but this post looks to me like a feeding.
Dear Jason, you wrote about your problem in April. You have received support from people on this forum and some very good advice.
But what you did in order to sort your life, to create normal life for you and your children? Nothing, since now in September, you still have the same problem.
Now, this looks to me like you do not need moral support, advice nor help, but you want people to pity you (sorry, English is not my native language, I am not sure
that I used the right word) and that is a feeding. You are mentioning your children in most of your posts. That is a week spot and a good way to get more sympathy for poor
you, loving father. But if you really love your children you would consider what a life with drug addict is doing to them and you would REMOVE them from her regardless
of the fact that she is their mother. Besides, as a responsible parent, in case of any problem that may harm you children, you should be ACTING insted of waiting to be acted upon.
So, get going. DO something. Or you can wait your children to grow up in that environment and become drug addicts themselves? Meanwhile, you can every now and than
write about your pain and unhappiness to gather sympathy and gain energy.