Reflections on an 18 year lesson at the hands of a white collar psychopath

Michael B-C

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This is a long, personal post. I do not expect any of the forum to have the time to read it in entirety. However I hope you will forgive me for publishing as I think that unless I write this out of myself and seek to expel it, to acknowledge it in writing publically, I will suffer its effects long term. By expressing this personal experience on this forum my way I hope to take full ownership of it. Thank you for your understanding and forbearance.
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This is going to be very hard to write but I think it fitting as my 100th post that I open up and share with the forum concerning a personally costly 18 year professional relationship I’ve endured with a white collar psychopath. I am not sure what will come of this thread in terms of value to the reader but I feel it is important for me that I do so. Moreover I hope by sharing, (along with any feedback or mirroring I receive), it might prove of benefit for others in a similar plight or forewarn against the kind of turmoil and psychological destruction these creatures generate. I feel very alone with this experience (although I am already grateful for the fact that this forum is the one place I could raise this subject and be in some way understood) and unless I get it out of me and move on it has the potential to further the harm that has already occurred.

It is a long and messy tale so and I apologise in advance for that fact and will do my best to be concise. I must start by warning my fellow forum members, however, that I am only just emerging from the signs of PTSD and the turbulent professional ramifications of the recent and final (I trust) break down in this ‘relationship’ which may make me less than coherent, and so I ask your forbearance as I try to make sense of what this experience/lesson offers and my responsibility for allowing it to go on for so long.

Anyway, here goes.

My work is as a freelance director of theatre/opera, with most of my employment taking place in Ireland. I regard myself as a creative person but not an artist, a self aggrandising title claimed by many and achieved by few. I have been wholly financially responsible for my partner and two children for twelve years now meaning (because of the depressingly low fees in the so called arts) I have had to take whatever work is offered to me, irrespective of the circumstances; I simply don’t have the luxury to pick and choose. That is one of the main reasons why, despite ample previous negative first hand knowledge of the kind of creature I was dealing with, I chose to return recently to the crucible of punishment and continue an interaction that I would by conscious choice have long ago retreated from. I suspect, however, that there are other issues at stake here relating to an unhealthy symbiotic relationship that have drawn me back, which at some level I obviously was attracted to or perhaps thought I could master. Therefore there are issues of ego, of predators mind and of Identification that I need to look at to gain a full understanding of this ‘lesson’.

I will not mention any names for obvious reasons. The person in question heads one of the very few front line theatre organisations in the country and as such holds considerable power over the fortunes of others. As has been shown by the work of this forum and by Laura in particular, white-collar psychopaths emerge as the elite in many urbane arenas including the so called arts. The figure in question is notorious in my field to say the least; his narcissism is public and acute (he has a habit of merging his persona and that of the theatre he runs as being one and the same thing), his total lack of care and interest in anyone but himself, his disregard for loyalty, for talent, for anything other than his own world view and agenda, his viciousness when crossed or critiqued, his lack of moral code, his dog-eat-dog-and-I-am-the-king-dog philosophy, his promiscuity and sexual abuse of the opposite sex, his obsession with power at all costs, etc, etc, have always singled him out as a unique force in the sector. Everyone in the field talks about him with a perverse mixture of shock, awe, fascination, obsession and distaste. Everyone marvels and horrifies at his longevity in the role and his ability to maintain a grasp on the handles of power despite all his obvious defects, yet he commands enormous loyalty and dedication from a wide range of staff members, public figures, partners etc, all of whom seem to be caught in the flood light glare of his persona. His temper, his rudeness, his impatience, his ability to delight in abusing others is legendary. His unwillingness to listen to any other point of view once it conflicts with his is implacable. Everything, I mean everything, is about him. But rather than producing disgust these traits only seem to add to his mystic.

In any line of work this would be a highly septic cocktail but in a field such as the creative arts it is doubly detrimental as you tend to find the sector populated by idealistic and overly sensitive personalities – wishful thinking experts - who experience a sense of perpetual vulnerability and powerlessness as a matter of course. It is a perfect feeding ground for predators as the emotional energy is by definition high and exposing. He is expert at exuding the superficial traits of being one of us – being an ostentatious supporter of cutting edge artists, possessing a highly disciplined memory and an ability to imitate the language of the creative individual – but he meerly specialises in feeding and absorbing influences and energies that are not his own (he admits to having no feel or interest for the creative process). He blows hot and cold with individuals purely on a need to use basis and I know of many who have invested their hopes in this fake relationship only to find themselves dumped out in the cold when it no longer suits his needs. On the whole he affects a bombastic comradery with those he engages whose talents he drains to create the work only to move on to the next feeding park once he’s got what he wants from them.

The one position of engagement that reveals his true nature and inherent fault line is that of director. Actors, designers, administrators, etc come and go with the odd scar but on the whole they pose little threat to his dominant authority. Directors however, are the front line where power is shared and disputed. He sees them as an necessary evil, a craft and skill he knows he cannot do without (possessing none of the ability himself which he will readily admit – putting it down to a lack of patience and a low boredom threshold), and he has evolved ways and means of dealing with them. But when they actually bring the finished work into his domain – his building, his stage – to be paraded before the public, his personal mirror, then the battle commences. He transforms into a confrontational, bullying advocate for his sole opinion as arbiter of taste, likes and dislikes. If a director fails to bend to his whims they are rapidly assaulted with an intense level of psychological pressure and if they do not give way they are isolated and eventually expelled from further work, most often for good. This power of professional life and death is something he clearly relishes and always emerges victorious, at least in his world view.

I withstood this experience for, as I said, 18 years. Apparently he saw me as a threat from the very beginning. He knew I was good at what I do so reluctantly he took me in under the pressure of his number two who was a great advocate of mine. But it was always an uneasy choice on his part and one that has repeatedly flared up. He once said to this other person ‘why wont he(me) just pretend?’, meaning why wouldn’t I just pay full lip service to his dominance. This person has told me since she left the organisation that the biggest rows she had with him were over me. At the time in those early days I had no idea what I was dealing with – I mistakenly thought it was all about the work. If my work was good – which it was – he would then naturally be pleased and supportive, even grateful. Fool! For it never worked out like that. He much preferred conflict with me, something I was then particularly bad at (having grown up with a highly domineering, narcissistic father who had used intellectual ridicule as his way of maintaining his dominance over his children) and would repeatedly turn to abusive ends to get his way. I realise now just how vulnerable I was. I so much wanted to be accepted, even admired for my work. This chink of vulnerability – a combination of needy worthlessness, an emotionally sensitive nature plus a strange stubborn bloody mindedness – made me susceptible to his brand of dysfunctional pressure. During the course of our dealings there were 3 gaps of 2-3 years each where he would banish me from the building, only to summon me once more when his need was there (having run out of other options) and we would begin our dance again leading to the inevitable conflict and breakdown.

This is where I must look at my role more clearly. I clearly had an unfulfilled longing to be accepted, to be acknowledged. I always felt that my calling to the theatre was a spiritual one – that the work was about transformation, growth, revelation, renewal. It took me an age to realise that this was a yearning that few shared, least of all my nemesis. This overt identification clearly left me exposed to this kind of a destructive engagement – on the one hand a psychopath wanting it all to be about him, on the other a creative person with a fragile centre looking to be healed and renewed through a form of public exposure. A bad mix!

It took me a long time to work this strange dance out, both sides of which being highly uncomfortable to acknowledge. I finally came to know my own weakness over the many blows and turmoils of my career, not only in relationship to him but to other experiences beyond his reach which confirmed my own sorry state. I finally recognised him for what he was after reading and digesting Laura’s work on the subject and a final clue he gave me one day over a rather tense lunch late on in our journey (I had by then developed a way of being with him and indeed had taken up pretending some of the attributes of subservience and fake loyalty that he demanded). We were basking in the huge success of a show I had just directed for him, playfully (if dangerously) bantering each other about our differences, when he leant forward and said ‘you know what your problem is, you suffer from an empathy issue.’ And there it was; loud and clear. Even though in the moment I laughed out loud and gleefully remonstrated with him for not grasping that was the essence of what our work in the theatre was meant to be about – empathy – I felt a deep chill run through me. Out of the psychopaths mouth; for I knew what he meant. That empathy was a weakness and there to be ridiculed.

After that our paths separated for a while and I swore that I would not work with him again, despite the relative calm following the success of this production. Indeed, true to form he didn’t come looking for me again for another three years despite it being the greatest box office triumph in the history of his tenure. Part of me was relieved and determined that this time it would be permanent. But I also know that part of me just couldn’t let go. You see, hardly a day would go by without him coming into my mind. The many, many moments of slight, conflict, unfair and cynical treatment had left a terrible scar upon me. I hungered to ‘win’ in the end. I wanted to come out triumphant, in some way perhaps transform his view and make him need me! The on going silence hurt. It fed my pride and sense of shame with equal measure. My peace of mind, which has never been the same ever since I started working for him, failed to return. So when the call came once more, despite my protestations and declarations, I secretly delighted that here again was a chance for me to return to the table, to prove my worth, to be able to hold my head up and deliver whilst withstanding the storm. This is my shame; that knowing what he is I still allowed myself to go back. Sure the financial need was acute – the offer came at a moment when we were very low in funds and needing the injection badly. I gave this to myself as the excuse for going back on my word ‘never again’. Clearly though the psychopath had his claws deep within me and the lure was too great. I find this fascinating; that I knowingly re-entered the Medusa’s den, knowing what lay within and what the experience there would most likely be, believing that like Theseus I could somehow lop off his head and emerge victorious! No golden thread, no reflective shield for protection. Or rather foolishly believing that I now possessed such tools and the wisdom to deal with whatever my adversary could throw at me. Foolish boy! The beast has many shifts and tactics and one is always ready for the fall just when one makes the mistake of thinking one ‘knows oneself’!

I won’t go into the tedious details. Suffice to say I committed too much of my personal energy to the project at a time when my thinning personal resources had been much depleted by an extremely stressful and draining three year period, the end of which coincided with a full move of country back to Ireland and starting this project fulltime the day I landed. By the time we came to bring the work into the building I was both over confident and underprepared to take on the experience ahead. Elements beyond my control failed to deliver and I found myself in a storm whipped up by him that led to day in, day out confrontation and debilitation that lasted over a week. Doesn’t sound much but time seemed to stand still and it felt an eternity. A director is in many ways alone, and at this time I truly felt it.

It soon appeared that I was to take the blame for others failings; as it mostly emanated from within his own staff, and thus reflected badly on him, it was important to create a fake narrative that set me as the fall guy, especially as I was the only one willing to stand up and take responsibility. But instead of supporting me as the only one able and ready to solve the problem, he took this as an opportunity to isolate and destabilise me. And upon reflection I can see that I eventually succumbed to this pressure and gave him the ‘evidence’ he was seeking. I should have seen it coming. The real mistake I made was in believing I could weather the storm and manage the beast – and indeed it looked as if that were the case. But just at the point where it appeared I had won the situation back around, when ‘victory’ was in sight, he turned up the gas again and went for full out dismantling of my credibility and position. I had fallen for my own trap – I had arrogantly held onto the belief that I could withstand the pressure and out run him. I had not taken into account his hunger for the feeding frenzy, his delight in chaos, his desire to always complete the kill in the end. I was so shocked by this that I retreated, backing away and effectively walking right at the death, giving him all the ammunition he then needed to blame everything on me, inventing a false narrative of what had happened and relishing in tarnishing my reputation with all and sundry.

The experience at the time – albeit totally unphysical – was extraordinarily stressful. My sleep became fitful, haunted by disturbing dreams for weeks after. My sense of balance was gone. I felt completely numb and all at sea. I found myself cold all over – literally – as if drained of life force; dead man walking. I took repeated boiling hot baths in an effort to wash it out of me. I understood what it must feel like to be raped; the powerlessness, the abuse, the injustice, the absolute aloneness of it all. My mood became suicidal and utterly depressed. I went through huge downward swings and days of blackness. The first thing I thought of upon waking and the last before bed was the turmoil of it all. No blood had been spilled. No one had died. But I had. I was gone.

The extreme sensation of the aftermath lasted almost two months. I have hardly spoken of it to anyone (it’s too raw). My partner did her best but she had seen too much of it before and most of all, she couldn’t grasp the accute personal cost of it this time. As she said, ‘Its like it always is with you two. I’ve seen it all before’. She didn’t openly accuse me, but the feeling was there and one time she admitted she felt I was as responsible as he; I must have brought it upon myself. Blame the victim. Of course the absurdity of it was she is probably right; it must have been all my own choice. I let him and the experience into me. I should have laughed it off, but at the time it felt like death. Merely words and the physical presence, the pressure, the intimidation. Nothing like a violent attack. But in some ways it felt worse than had I been so assaulted. And yes it was different than before – the straw that breaks…

Now I feel some sense of recovery but I do not doubt it is a long road to healing. Further more it has finally killed my love for the theatre. I am over in that regard. He sits triumphant in his fake narrative of me, finally possessing his victory, able to present me as the problem and him as the hero. He remains fully in command of his resource (which provides him with an obscene revenue way out of proportion to the nature of the business he runs) and I struggle constantly with my low wage and with severely damaged reputation and work prospects. What a fool I was! And not once did I give myself the much needed satisfaction of calling him out face to face for what he is. Not once in 18 years! There was a moment this time when as I sat before him, a grown man, having to listen and accept his abuse and insane roarings, the desire - the cold, calm desire – arose in me to go for his throat and take him down! What stopped me other than a real fear that this would mean I would not get paid and I would no longer be able to pay the bills (in truth an actual impediment and a terror when you have sole responsibility for mouths to feed!)? I suppose it was a combination of my own pathetic attempt to hang onto my own sense of pride or self, a need not to give him what he feeds on – real reciprocated conflict. Should I have? Should I have called him out – would anyone have understood? I doubt it. He is surrounded by those who are enthral, whose livelihoods also depend on his largess. He is untouchable. We are the expendable. I feel great shame for not having the courage though. I think I feared my own breakdown – my own pain being exposed as ‘weakness’. That he would see he had me. The only thing I cling onto is the fact that he truly cannot know what I am – that whatever he has taken from me, what I have let him, he is still incapable of knowing anything of me because he is a psychopath and I am a human being.

Psychopaths rule our world at all levels. They do not need to command armies to do great harm. They rot everything they touch, everything sacred to the human condition. Intimacy, companionship, understanding, creativity, friendship, community, our ability to be in empathy, our ability to see ourselves enslaved. They isolate us by setting the narrative by which our world is understood, leaving the humans they prey on at odds with each other, unable to give voice to the menace within, believing that the narrative they set is the way of the world, the way things are meant to be. They create nothing; they feed on everything that vibrates. They are our destiny on this planet at this time, our Trojan horse – they are well inside the walls of the city and crow their victory over us from the wall tops. They care not what trail of destruction they leave behind delighting instead in the empty pleasure of victory over the rest of us. I know that at some level I am fortunate to have experienced first hand the complex inter relationship that exists between ourselves and our prime predator; the feeling of energy drain that is their tell-tell sign. But I am still left with an emptiness where once there was a real gift of light. How I get that back, if at all possible, is the next task in hand.

All is lessons. Knowledge protects; ignorance endangers.

Thank you. Bless you all.
 
Wow, Michael BC, that's quite a story. Hope you'll be able to somehow recover over time, doing the necessary healing.

From my part, I immediately was reminded of another famous opera manager: Rudolf Bing of the Metropolitan Opera (among others) in New York. Not to imply that he was of the same ilk but he surely could have been, I think.

wikipedia said:
After leaving the Met, Bing wrote two books of memoirs, 5000 Nights at the Opera (1972) and A Knight at the Opera (1981).

Maybe you should read those and then crosscheck with the stories of the people he worked with ? Might be helpful. Just a thought, FWIW.

All the best to you and speedy recovery ! :hug2:
 
Thanks Palinurus. I know little of Bing so I will have a read if I can find the space and time. His autocratic and 'conservative' tenure seems to ring bells. The performing arts is full of difficult personalities with frail egos and of course is a hot bed for rampant narcissism - what I am most struck by is how little it provides in the way of truth, or indeed how little interest so many in it have in discovering or shinning light on the real state of our world and the true nature of mankind’s condition. Reading Gurdjieff on the subject of subjective and objective art is most illuminating. Most contemporary art is entirely subjective; it's just another form of identification, a trap, a sound and fury signifying nothing more, where personality and essence become confused and the forces of entropy are prevalent. Thankfully I feel on the mend from that particular delusion, but I know it will take much work to rid myself of my own personal pitfalls and illusions. Writing the piece below has immediately helped in the sense of expelling it - warts and all - onto paper and I am already able to gain a degree of perspective on it. Amazing though how such a minor experience can feel so traumatic. Need to work harder on seeing objective truth both left and right. Contributing more to the life and work of this forum will be a key part of that healing. :)
 
Hello Michael BC

Thank you for your very well written synopsis of the situation and behavioral descriptions of your psycho nemesis. I can so relate. I’m sure nearly everyone here on the Forum has encountered similar oppressive predator personalities within the work place and/or in our personal relationships.

It’s true that these predators prefer positions of power over others whenever possible. However, they can wreak almost as much havoc when occupying positions on the bottom of any hierarchy structure. In lower positions, their manipulations are usually more subtle and covert. But they’re still holding a hidden knife behind their backs — ready to stab us the minute we allow ourselves to believe we’re safe or secure and can relax and let our guard down. We cannot ever relax or let our guard down with these pseudo-humans.

I’m suspecting that the law of three applies here. With “normal” people, we are able to extend empathy, external consideration, the benefit of the doubt, good will, kindness and caring, and hold space for their better natures to come forward whenever they consciously or unconsciously and ignorantly violate our own or others’ boundaries.

But with these “people”, we cannot allow ourselves to operate according to our normal inclinations. In their own minds, we are their enemies. And because they will treat us as their enemies, we must treat them as our enemies too. They have declared war on us. It is to our disadvantage if we refuse to realize that they are engaged in a war to destroy us — by any means necessary and using whatever methods & talents they have at hand — whether physically, psychically, emotionally, financially, or mentally.

Our advantage is knowing that this is their game plan — and acting accordingly.

Have you read “The Fire From Within” by Carlos Castenada? The second chapter is concerned primarily with the subject of “petty tyrants” and will give you a very good overview of what you are dealing with here — as well as methods of handling these tyrants. The most important clues, however, are our own inner attitudes. Adopting and maintaining these inner attitudes are what allow us to handle and deal with the petty tyrants & psychopaths in our lives — with joy and humor — while at the same time preventing them from destroying us.

A major key seems to be our own self-importance. Another is our failure to accurately ascertain how clever and diabolical and deceptive these predators are — and how their inner worlds are so completely “alien” to our own natures that we can have no ability to out-think or out-maneuver them (unless we were able to become like them ourselves, which we cannot seem to do even by trying) without using a well-thought out “strategy” such as Mr. Putin is having to use vis-a-vis the western pathocrats in power who are attempting to annihilate him personally, as well as the entire country and people of Russia.

Coming back to the Law of Three. As I mentioned, with normal people one can act normally — like a human being. However, with psychopaths, I realized that a different inner attitude is required. It’s an emotional “tone” called “No Sympathy”. I can best describe it as a solid rock wall. This includes even my eyes and looking into the eyes of the psychopath. It’s a “neutral” zone — no energy exchange is occurring — neither negative nor positive. I decide and very firmly make up my mind to refuse to allow any of their words or attitudes or glances to penetrate into my psychic world. I feel absolutely “NO” sympathy towards their plight or their condition or their complaints or positioning themselves as a victim of others. They will attempt to gain my “sympathy”. I refuse to grant them any sympathy. I allow their verbal and attitude arrows to drop on the ground before me. I refuse to pick them up or hurl them back — which only gives them more ammunition. This way I deprive them of food. Our sympathy is food for them. Refuse to feed them.

It’s probably helpful for us to address our own inner-predator mind which probably provides an opening for us to be preyed upon and to address our own self-importance issues since self-importance also provides an opening for the psychopaths to slip past the guardians of the gates of our own psyches.

In a way, we are truly our own worst enemies in that we are emotionally & psychically wounded — making us vulnerable to all sorts of flattery, vanity, accolades, admiration, compliments, etc. If we were less needy and operating from our pure essence, we would be far less likely to be embroiled and entrapped by these predators. So I suspect that as we heal these inner wounds and become stronger within, we become less susceptible to the subterfuges of pathocrats.

I wish you well on your healing journey, Michael BC.

BTW — I had some very able teachers many years ago who helped me deal with many of these predatory personalities in the business world when I used to work there. So I have a pretty good idea of how traumatic it is to share the same office environments with them — let alone having them as my own supervisor or boss. They are amazingly capable of extremely destructive behavior.
 
Frankly, I admire you as you have endured for so long.
I know what it's going to work with cramps in the stomach.
No one is worth it, I know it does not work, but a lot easier to fall asleep when you say: enough is enough! :)
 
13 Twirling Triskeles said:
Coming back to the Law of Three. As I mentioned, with normal people one can act normally — like a human being. However, with psychopaths, I realized that a different inner attitude is required. It’s an emotional “tone” called “No Sympathy”. I can best describe it as a solid rock wall. This includes even my eyes and looking into the eyes of the psychopath. It’s a “neutral” zone — no energy exchange is occurring — neither negative nor positive. I decide and very firmly make up my mind to refuse to allow any of their words or attitudes or glances to penetrate into my psychic world. I feel absolutely “NO” sympathy towards their plight or their condition or their complaints or positioning themselves as a victim of others. They will attempt to gain my “sympathy”. I refuse to grant them any sympathy. I allow their verbal and attitude arrows to drop on the ground before me. I refuse to pick them up or hurl them back — which only gives them more ammunition. This way I deprive them of food. Our sympathy is food for them. Refuse to feed them.

Good point there, 13TT. It reminds me of this thread on the forum: How to deal with a psychopath -Act as a gray rock

Thanks for sharing, Michael BC. Dealing with a psychopath for so long can certainly throw you for a loop. Feel free to vent as much as you need. It certainly helps to relieve the pressure.
 
Odyssey said:
Thanks for sharing, Michael BC. Dealing with a psychopath for so long can certainly throw you for a loop. Feel free to vent as much as you need. It certainly helps to relieve the pressure.
Agree and I also want to thank you for posting, Michael BC. Your post really touched me and I hope that by letting it out little by little, you will eventually gain some peace and healing. :hug2:
 
Odyssey said:
13 Twirling Triskeles said:
Coming back to the Law of Three. As I mentioned, with normal people one can act normally — like a human being. However, with psychopaths, I realized that a different inner attitude is required. It’s an emotional “tone” called “No Sympathy”. I can best describe it as a solid rock wall. This includes even my eyes and looking into the eyes of the psychopath. It’s a “neutral” zone — no energy exchange is occurring — neither negative nor positive. I decide and very firmly make up my mind to refuse to allow any of their words or attitudes or glances to penetrate into my psychic world. I feel absolutely “NO” sympathy towards their plight or their condition or their complaints or positioning themselves as a victim of others. They will attempt to gain my “sympathy”. I refuse to grant them any sympathy. I allow their verbal and attitude arrows to drop on the ground before me. I refuse to pick them up or hurl them back — which only gives them more ammunition. This way I deprive them of food. Our sympathy is food for them. Refuse to feed them.

Good point there, 13TT. It reminds me of this thread on the forum: How to deal with a psychopath -Act as a gray rock

Thanks for sharing, Michael BC. Dealing with a psychopath for so long can certainly throw you for a loop. Feel free to vent as much as you need. It certainly helps to relieve the pressure.


I agree! Could not have been said any better... It's certainly something I have to work on, since I always like to think that everybody is actually a good person inside. :( Thanks for sharing, and I wish you the best on your healing, and I send you virtual hugs!

PS: Writing always helps, it puts you outside of yourself so you can observe everything sort of in a 'difference perspective,' and also it's great way to express your emotions. You're on the right track!
 
Odyssey said:
13 Twirling Triskeles said:
Coming back to the Law of Three. As I mentioned, with normal people one can act normally — like a human being. However, with psychopaths, I realized that a different inner attitude is required. It’s an emotional “tone” called “No Sympathy”. I can best describe it as a solid rock wall. This includes even my eyes and looking into the eyes of the psychopath. It’s a “neutral” zone — no energy exchange is occurring — neither negative nor positive. I decide and very firmly make up my mind to refuse to allow any of their words or attitudes or glances to penetrate into my psychic world. I feel absolutely “NO” sympathy towards their plight or their condition or their complaints or positioning themselves as a victim of others. They will attempt to gain my “sympathy”. I refuse to grant them any sympathy. I allow their verbal and attitude arrows to drop on the ground before me. I refuse to pick them up or hurl them back — which only gives them more ammunition. This way I deprive them of food. Our sympathy is food for them. Refuse to feed them.

Good point there, 13TT. It reminds me of this thread on the forum: How to deal with a psychopath -Act as a gray rock

Thanks for sharing, Michael BC. Dealing with a psychopath for so long can certainly throw you for a loop. Feel free to vent as much as you need. It certainly helps to relieve the pressure.

Thanks Odyssey. Coincidentally, I just happened to read that thread a few minutes ago. How serendipitous is that? :)

That Gray-Rock quote from Minas Tirith struck a home chord within my own psyche -- a resounding YES! The quote describes a very successful way of dealing with predators -- becoming like a Gray Rock. Gray Rocks are invisible. Basically boring. Becoming so boring that the predator becomes bored with us and wants to escape and move on to seek tastier and more interesting prey. Predators harvest and feed off our emotions -- especially the lower emotions such as fear. Boredom does not taste good to these creepazoids. Fabulous!

Michael BC -- Have you read that thread, "How to deal with a psychopath -- Act as a Gray Rock", referred to by Odyssey yet? It's really worth reading IMO.

And I agree with Odyssey, Truth Seeker, and Solie123. It really does help the healing process to describe it to others and even write about it. This network is the best place to receive helpful, workable feedback about experiences with predators -- our internal predators as well as external predators.

I wish you truly deep healing and coming back stronger than ever. And, from my own and others' experiences, once you've come out the other side and are able to see your situation in a more objective way and with a clearer perspective, you will be a stronger warrior. It's a truly wondrous and empowering feeling to experience oneself -- but it is even more uplifting to see others struggle and OVER-COME whatever inner issues they have which prevents them from successfully outflanking and poofing-to-beyond these dastardly predatory robots.

I applaud and cheer you on towards discovering your own inner innate strength, determination and ability to do the work in order to heal the wounds -- and ultimately -- like those two powerful scenes in the movie, "V for Vendetta", -- standing upright with arms and voice raised to the heavens, declaring your achievement of overcoming your own fears. Yay!

We're here. Glad you're here too! ;)

Edited: Grammar.
 
What a great, information filled thread so far! I am feeling empathy for you, Michael BC, but I don't know if I've ever been in an employee/employer relationship like the one you describe, but certainly have had some experiences that left me wondering exactly who I was dealin with!

Sometimes I think that pathological traits are made manifest in everybody, depending on the situation in which they find themselves and due to the pernicious influence of our ponerized societies. People don't even know they're doing it! I hope you find peace and that you are able to practice your art! It sounds like your opportunities were/are limited by this individual, but perhaps all doors are not closed to you and that you'll get your chance to step through and make a new beginning, free from this latest dismal experience and the character who caused you so much trouble.
 
Thanks for sharing, MichaelBC. Don't worry about the length of your post, I think all of it needed to be said to get the whole picture. Also I liked your style of writing.

My husband worked for a very similar type years ago and I wish we would have had this forum and its abundant information at that time.

What astounded me then (and like you and your wife we talked about this misery quite often) was that even though my husband could have quit this job very easily and found something else, he didn't, but stayed on to "turn everything around" and make him - his boss - "a better man". I sensed even then that this was impossible, but there was a strange force holding him there, which he described as "karma", a concept we both were very interested in at that time. Oh, how foolish ...

It is interesting that you are writing now, because just last week, a couple of days before you posted I thought that psychopaths operate with a kind of hypnotism that keeps a spell on people. The Jungle Book snake Kaa comes to mind, Mowgli can't leave when it transfixes him with its gaze. Not that the psychopath would know about it, maybe it's an inbuilt feature of their machine? Hitler comes to mind and the craziness with which the Germans responded, transfixed and ready to do the most atrocious deeds, they, a country that has brought forth so much culture and intellectual accomplishments. Or leaders of cults and all the people following and buying the crap that they are saying.

I suspect, however, that there are other issues at stake here relating to an unhealthy symbiotic relationship that have drawn me back, which at some level I obviously was attracted to or perhaps thought I could master. Therefore there are issues of ego, of predators mind and of Identification that I need to look at to gain a full understanding of this ‘lesson’.

Yes, I guess this is part of the picture, too.

I also wish you all the best in your healing process, M.T.
 
Thank you so much 13 Twirling Triskeles (great name!), casper, Odyssey, Truth Seeker, Solie 123, Dylan and Minas Tirith for your understanding and helpful posts. I am always taken aback by the generosity, support and sheer humanity evidenced by the members of this forum. Thank you for taking the time and effort to post your thoughts here. Most importantly I hope others who read your insights gain something of value. My one regret is that I never get to meet you all in the flesh! I don’t know about others, but I find the physical/spatial isolation as a result of separation from like minded souls to be a source of deep regret and sadness. In all my travels I have never had a meaningful personal discourse face to face with someone on the path, and that can’t be good for one’s inner resolve and development. But at least this network keeps one in touch with the hope that there are courageous, thoughtful, caring, sharing people out there with a will to make a difference and hopefully we will at the right time come together. So again, thank you all.

Yes I was aware of the thread mentioned, "How to deal with a psychopath -- Act as a Gray Rock". Of course looking back that’s exactly what I should have done – indeed for several years I did lie low, offer no opportunity for feeding, avoid contact, etc. But when the call came regrettably I allowed other issues such as finance to sway my judgement and cloud me to the dangers. Even during the heat of the storm when the lid came off, I attempted something similar – but my reserves were low and I was eventually worn down by the relentless pressure he was able to exert. I also think my internal outrage at the willingness of others implicated in the mess to effectively side with the predator finally wore me down; ‘what was the point in holding the ground when all around me were willing to comply with his game?’ was the feeling, and so I in the end I think I caved in and let him win. Feelings of not being worth the fight won out. It’s this cowardice and complicity of the human being that causes one to truly wilt! However, I will try and remember it as a tactic for the future and do my best to never again fall pray to such manoeuvres. See the game for what it is – again, avoid identification!

Thanks for the offers everyone to vent further but in truth it’s all been said; I’m just left with regrets about my own behaviour and my fallibility in the face of the threat. It’s the energy drain I most need to address; and the perpetual feeling of cold, not only within my body but within my mind. A kind of listless, rudderless sense. Part due to the actual experience, part due to the end of a road sense, a completion of a test I feel that I failed. I have absolutely no desire to ever go back to practise my art as you suggest Dylan (but I have no doubt needs must when there are mouths to feed and bills to pay). That need has gone, forever now tainted by the emptiness that is left behind post my hard lesson in identification! A sense of waste of a life and indifference is all that remains. But then I have to remember that strangely, it’s because of the journey through the ‘art’ that I actually found Laura’s work and this forum in the first place, something that might not have happened without the questing the creative process opened up in me. So as the old adage goes, you are exactly where you need to be!

The struggle is now with moving on; I find being in the moment very difficult, which is why I suspect I am blocking regular meditation. There is a fear of just being still, of being nothing, or more accurately being at one with myself. I also think I need to explore something like Reiki and possibly spirit attachment issues. But all that’s for another day’s work.
:)
 
I am sorry that you are in your business life had to bump into someone you did not know to appreciate, primarily as a human being and a professional. Obviously you loved the work you did, because 18 years is a really long period in which you are somehow neglecting yourself.
I know that if the bills come, you need to buy food, but give yourself a little break for himself, some wounds are still fresh.
If you can afford it, sit in the car and drive off in nature, meditate in the fresh air, regain strength.
I am very much helped listening to "quiet" music, EE program and writing.
 
Hi Michael BC!

Thanks to share your experience with us!
:)

Now I feel some sense of recovery but I do not doubt it is a long road to healing. Further more it has finally killed my love for the theatre. I am over in that regard.

Welcome to the club! :lol:
You speaking from my heart!
After spending so many years in opera theaters, I can truly attest you are not alone!
7 years in the Hungarian States Opera, where assaulting women and casting couch is normal, :barf:
and the salaries are so low, can't make ends meat with it.
Art is deteriorating, period, lunatics took over the asylum. :evil:
Psychopaths are everywhere, places even in opera theater.
Also knowledge, skills, and talent are dismissed, because they "know better".
Art now'a days is all about ego.
But, we are here to learn! :)

I guess we have all our lessons.

[quote author=Dylan]Sometimes I think that pathological traits are made manifest in everybody, depending on the situation in which they find themselves and due to the pernicious influence of our ponerized societies. People don't even know they're doing it! I hope you find peace and that you are able to practice your art! It sounds like your opportunities were/are limited by this individual, but perhaps all doors are not closed to you and that you'll get your chance to step through and make a new beginning, free from this latest dismal experience and the character who caused you so much trouble.
[/quote]

So true! :thup:

[quote author=MichaelBC]Thanks for the offers everyone to vent further but in truth it’s all been said; I’m just left with regrets about my own behaviour and my fallibility in the face of the threat. It’s the energy drain I most need to address; and the perpetual feeling of cold, not only within my body but within my mind. A kind of listless, rudderless sense. Part due to the actual experience, part due to the end of a road sense, a completion of a test I feel that I failed. I have absolutely no desire to ever go back to practise my art as you suggest Dylan (but I have no doubt needs must when there are mouths to feed and bills to pay). That need has gone, forever now tainted by the emptiness that is left behind post my hard lesson in identification! A sense of waste of a life and indifference is all that remains. But then I have to remember that strangely, it’s because of the journey through the ‘art’ that I actually found Laura’s work and this forum in the first place, something that might not have happened without the questing the creative process opened up in me. So as the old adage goes, you are exactly where you need to be!

The struggle is now with moving on; I find being in the moment very difficult, which is why I suspect I am blocking regular meditation. There is a fear of just being still, of being nothing, or more accurately being at one with myself. I also think I need to explore something like Reiki and possibly spirit attachment issues. But all that’s for another day’s work.
:)
[/quote]

I think the recovery takes time, your energy was taken from you, but now you know and will recognize the signs of pathological behavior, hopefully.
Don't feel you failed, don't blame yourself, let your anger and frustration come out and as Odyssey said: Feel free to vent!
We're here for you!
:hug:

EE is a good idea.
 
[quote author=Michael BC]
Thanks for the offers everyone to vent further but in truth it’s all been said; I’m just left with regrets about my own behaviour and my fallibility in the face of the threat. It’s the energy drain I most need to address; and the perpetual feeling of cold, not only within my body but within my mind. A kind of listless, rudderless sense. Part due to the actual experience, part due to the end of a road sense, a completion of a test I feel that I failed.
[/quote]

Hi Michael BC,
Something that I think may help in your recovery process is to reframe the experience. When we come face to face with psychopathology in an intimate sense, our basic self view and our world view gets challenged. The corresponding mental structure that was in place has come to the point of disintegration (or has disintegrated). This leaves a sense of emptiness and unease that you are experiencing. A new and potentially more well informed and nourishing structure can now develop in its place - which is the good news.

A common aftermath of such traumatic experience is a regret of not having handled the situation better. If only some technique could be applied with consistency, we could master the situation. You are astute to observe that while financial needs played a role, there was also a sense of "I can handle this" with respect to the relationship with the pathological person. The regret and sense of having failed the test is a logical extension of this expectation of being able to handle it. Reflecting deeper into what you would have liked to achieve in the relationship and then considering if it was ever within your control to do so while retaining your values may give you more insight as you process the regret of having failed aspect. Also consider the difference between the two related perspectives - "life is a test" and "life is a lesson".

When the numbness starts to lift, your mind would try to go back to the pathogical person - or rather your internal representation of the person. In your place, I would feel a strong desire for him to get his comeuppance along with a conflicting "I should not be feeling this way". If I am able to hold both sides of the tension without falling headlong either into a revenge fantasy or a forced forgiving attitude or repressing the entire conflict, new personalized understanding can emerge. If you recognize this dynamic taking place, talking about it may be helpful.

If you have read "Political Ponerology", you would have seen that the author Dr Lobaczewski brought up the pitfalls of using moralizing interpretations coming from the natural world view which all of us are inculcated with while dealing with pathological phenomena. In my experience we cannot jettison our natural world view by wishing. So another inner conflict is set up - our moralizing interpretation on the one hand with the informed perspective on psychopathology which can be paraphrased as "one cannot expect a predator in the jungle to behave contrary to his nature".

These are just my speculations on possibilities of inner events which can arise when subjected to pathological phenomena. You are probably very well- versed in the creative potential of conflict as a vehicle for bringing new understanding for your audience. Perhaps, you can now apply your expertise in the theater of our inner world bringing forth new nourishing structures. Where one road ends, other roads begin .....

fwiw
 
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