Relationship = private network

[Nachtweide]

In the last few months, I have dealt intensively with the subject of relations. It was one of the most interesting projects I did. It was difficult for me, which dynamics developed from it. Man - Relationship as a group of two - Family as a group - People as a group - Country as a group.
On the big and the small.
To answer the question of why relationships are so difficult, I had to reduce everything to the smallest name = individual. It is not possible to look at a relation to the measure of good / bad and does not take place in my judgment-free understanding, since good or bad is a separate evaluation.
I have always found these relationship counselors very strange, where one tries to bring people closer to the outside life. The Council, you should look for similarities, spend evenings together or make long conversations, tells the reader that every person has the same goal. A loving, reliable and respectful relationship.
One mediates: One must only want, then it works also with the can.

Where to start analyzing? Where is the origin? Where are the first clues?
A child that is born is for me a neuter. It does not know what it is and who it is. An empty vessel. It has no connection to its core. The birth family determines which personality is to be formed even before birth. The drawers are filled from the nearest environment. There are your own wishes, expectations and fears.
Here begins the great failure. The drawers already carry a fight with themselves, i.e.. The first discussions and power struggles arise in the birth family without this child being born. Everyone wants to manipulate this child first and pull it into his drawer.
This child was conceived, then it should serve its own drawer - out of gratitude.
After childbirth the child comes into contact with these drawers. The belief in a parent that a child needs a lot of attention leads to confiscation. The idea that a child should scream long before it is fed and wrapped leads to louder crying also loss. One forgets that a child is only driving-driven at the beginning.

I have adopted the three rule of Gurdjieff in my observations.
Plus = the too much
Minus = the too little
Neutral = the sea of all possibilities, balance

These possibilities have a man from birth. For me the following core questions were important: Can you remember how you perceived you as a child?
> Were you an adapted child?
> How did your parents compare to your siblings?
> Were you a brave, bright child?
> Did you have anger outbursts?
> Did you try things, even though it was forbidden?
> Could you choose your interests / hobbies yourself?
> Have you felt rage against your siblings and parents?
> Were you a tender child?
> Could you speak openly at home with your parents?
> Did you feel that you could not do what you wanted. And if so, how did you react?
> Could you choose your own school?
> Was your job a goal of yours?
etc.

In observation, it was only a question of finding out which type this person was closer to.
The second core questionnaire was:
> How did you perceive your parents?
> Was a parent more frightened?
> Was a parent frustrating?
> Was a parent more quiet?
> Was much debated?
> Was a parent often sick?
> Was a parent often not at home?
> Goods addictions such as alcohol, drugs, eating, playfulness, foreigners a topic?
> Was there violence in the family?
> How was the financial situation?
> Did you feel that envy was a subject?
> Were things bought only for a brand name?
Etc.

There were clear and unclear statements. Also strange. Many people were confused because they suddenly realized that they believed that they were their ideas and goals. Often came the realization that one had lived a life, what another another had spoken to them and one was convinced that it was the way of thinking.
I witnessed collapses of people who became extremely angry. Those after years realized that they were used. The rosy veil suddenly fell to the ground of the facts. So much angered rage. And one sentence was always present: I did not know why I carry such a great rage in me and now I realize that I have never lived my life. I have lived a life that people have sold to me from the outside as my own.

The next step was mourning. To steer and control the rage.
The fear of exploding this inner cauldron to get free was a huge challenge for myself. Tear-free was the simplest form. The mourning of a life not lived. The biggest challenge is the people with a very high rage potential in the sense of external outbursts. So-called blind rage. A preparation is necessary here. There, the aspect of mutual understanding for the environment must first be dealt with. First, the understanding that the other had only these possibilities and also acted like a machine without consciousness. The reactions are very sad for me. Adult men break at reality. They see what they did to people with their behavior. They realize that they are not really evil because they often believe it and they learn to forgive themselves and the environment.

I experience the power of the sentence: I understand you.

If there is a symbolic opener in the psyche of a man, then it is this sentence. We live in a world where no one understands something where one is constantly confronted with the sentence: I do not understand you. Why do you expect someone to open up where you have already been judged about him and his behavior? This sentence has power and he bears a high responsibility for the one who pronounces him. The speaker must be aware of all the consequences that may occur.

There were very clear statements. I then started by using only a little information to figure out a structure. The results are very amazing and very peculiar to myself. Perhaps I have developed an ability that I myself can describe little. I can describe a chronic course of a life path with very little information. The information is fluid in my head, I no longer need to think about it. It is like when all parts of a puzzle suddenly fall into the right places.
The assessment of the person concerned shows me whether my thoughts are correct. You usually look at me and say: There is no such thing, you have explained my life, my relationship, my fears and expectations. I suddenly see why I have done something or left something. How can you know me better than me? It also leads to incomprehension in my environment because I might not be normal either. One is afraid because I leave the impression that man is an open book for me and that he can no longer hide behind a facade. I must live with this and I expected this reaction. To see what is not visible is very disturbing for people who only fight their fights in the material world.

I would like to describe the above topic step by step. I would be very glad about feedback, even critical. Sometimes I thought I was crazy, but maybe this is a form of inner growth that scares me.

 

[Nachtweide]

The adult being considered is the end product of his past life. For me, he is a book whose content I do not know primarily. Only the book cover, visible to all, is visible. The first impression. In a world controlled by clichés, prejudices, and wishful thinking, a fact or truth emerges from the first impression according to personal thought.
There is no bigger stage than the world. And it must be so great, because most of the people are the actors.
I've been wondering why I do not know any really happy relationships. Do not they exist? Was there before? What is a happy relationship for the individual? What is the basis for a happy relationship? For what reasons is a relationship started at all? For what reasons?
When I had the pink rags before my eyes, I saw happy people. Hand in hand. I lost my way of thinking: Looks happy - so they are happy. I also overthrown my great values: When someone looks happy, he loves his partner and does not get strangers. When the father lovingly took care of the children, I concluded: "This is a good father, he loves his children and he will never hurt them.
But I lived a life full of disappointments. All the time my world picture collapsed and I did not know why. When relationships were ended, I immediately knew who was to blame: it was usually the one I had seen as nice and loving. The one who was oppressed in my eyes, of course, was the victim.
I remember exactly where my world was going. It was my first contact with Cassiopaea. There one spoke of truth, self-deception, denial. The more I read, the more I rejected this page. I felt that I had found something I had been looking for all my life, and at the same time it frightened me because I felt I was going to dissolve.
I had to make a decision. I wanted to stay in my old world, which was wrong, but it gave me a certain security because I could explain everything. Also, what could not be explained. Or I jumped into the cold water with the premonition that I had to dissolve completely, in order to be reassembled again. I could not go back to the old way, I was a finder and had finally found. In my heart I knew that I could lose everything: my point of view, my environment, my family, my old life.
That was the beginning of my new life. I always had a strong tendency to psychology and wanted to become a psychiatrist. For me, man was the most interesting thing ever. Today I call it the human machine.
I used to have saved the entire world because of my completely sick helper syndrome - even those who have never asked for salvation. I just knew it - everyone had to be helped. Since I had made a name for myself as a savior, I almost always hit the wrong side in blindness. From an analytical point of view, I've worsened my behavior, and it's unbelievable to me today how this deception sometimes works for a lifetime.

 

[Nachtweide]

Of course I am broken and with me not only my life. Actually, the whole world. I finally broke up. I looked like a big puzzle image that lay in pieces on the floor. At the same time my picture of the world lay on the ground - apart. All I had believed until then, what had been and what will be. Decay into individual parts. Carrying the confusion claimed all my strength. I suddenly felt that I was sitting in a big trap - my marriage.

I realized that the veil of my sensibility, emotions and emotions, had taken my view of reality completely. The most difficult phase of learning was to make my mind appear before the flaring of emotions. Incredibly hard. Here, my virtues saved me, discipline, self-reflection and self-control. Stopping this program was the most difficult lesson. And the clearer I became, the more visible the pages of the book, of which I have so far only judged the book cover. The next lesson was to eliminate the assessment, expectation and judgment.
I considered how it could work most easily and fastest. There is actually a way that works amazingly fast. I became aware of things, and I forced myself to consciously designate everything I did.

Stand a cup of coffee on the table, I said: There is a coffee cup on the table.
And I do not think anything else. The only thing I can judge is that the coffe cup is there and is on the table.
Before I said, there is a coffee cup. The XX has certainly left. I always have to clear everything. Nobody helps me. The result was disappointment, anger and dual thinking.

I saw 2 people walking hand in hand laughing across the street, I said: I see a man and a woman holding hands. They both laugh.
And I do not think anything else.
I used to think: Oh, how happy they are together. They love each other to see the behavior and their laughter. I am so unhappy. How gladly would I go with my husband across the street. I am always alone. The result was judgment, anger, disappointment, and dual thinking.

The more conscious I became, the worse was everything. No one was clear with me. And I wanted to be loved and saw how I was now perceived as "different". But I could not go back to the old world. Sometimes I wanted it because it was easier. But I always knew that it was wrong. But I hate the lie and the world out there was no longer a big lie for me.
I trained this phase of consciousness with all consistency. I often laughed at myself because it felt so strange at first. I became aware of how many things I did as a machine - automatically without thinking.

 

[Nachtweide]

Suddenly there was the explanation that I found myself in places again and did not know how I had come there. There was also the explanation for personal behaviors, which constantly repeated in the form of running programs and now no more sense.
There was also the explanation why I only saw what I wanted to see.

In my practice I often hear about cancer patients: everything has cancer. Everywhere I go is this disease.
As soon as one is affected by something, one actually takes in his reality only these things was.
I say: Do you feel like you're really looking for people who share this topic with you?
Then usually comes a clear Yes. Some time later I ask if you still believe that everyone has cancer. Then comes a completely different answer. In the anxiety phase, one's focus becomes so narrow that one only perceives this theme in the outside world with everything that belongs to it.
The perception or triggers in new diseases are auditory words such as cancer, cemetery, suffering, loss, etc.
Visual perception is enhanced by hospital, doctor, cemetery, crying ...
Anxiety narrows the entire perception. Anger as well. I believe that it is the most powerful feelings that distort our worldview.

The world can only be assembled and rearranged in the smallest. This always starts with your own person. This composition continues until today. But with every step I go, the world is reunited at the same time. Perhaps it is the fourth way. When I met Fakir, Yogi and Mönch, I could dissolve the blending. I realized I was this 3 but I could not separate them before, since they appeared to me as a whole.

The monk with his faith system prevented the growth of the others. I had to learn to master the monk. The Fakir was known to me as a survival training since my childhood. There I learned to take courage, will, discipline, pain, hold emotional control, self-discipline, to do on command.
My yogi was also aware of me very early. I wanted to know everything, explore the causes, took everything apart. I read a lot of books, many of which I have never understood. I was looking for the books that interested me or what I thought I had to read. Today I find the books. I felt relatively early that something was wrong between the teacher and myself as a student. That what I was told often did not make sense. There arose the characteristic mistrust. Something was wrong out there.

My monk, with his system of faith, told me a world that brought everything together. It consisted of love, respect and affection. But reality was always disappointing. Suddenly people did not behave like I did in my dream, but the world did not. And there was God. I knew instinctively that there was something, but I did not get it together with the God who was presented to me. A religion that leads war and oppresses in the name of God. But my God was love ... The contradiction was felt but not visible with my pink rags.

I was aware of who was in command of the Kutscher horse cart. I was also aware that the coachman could do his job properly if the horses were kept in bridle and did not take over the work of the coachman.
The carriage itself worked.
Working with the monk was working with my consciousness. For this the coachman had to be strengthened, since he had often given up in favor of the monk.
The connections were all there, but they did not work properly.
It was a very big challenge also against all external resistances. They told me that I became stubborn, blind, hard and strong. I realized how many people are running in the Fakirmodus.
They told me that I was suddenly so cold, my language would be hard, selfish. Many monks were talking to me. Yes. I have changed. The clearer one becomes, the clearer the pronunciation. I am told that you do not always have to be so honest. You could have said something more ruthlessly.
Whenever I hear something, I know I'm still on the right track.
They also told me to be a conspiracy theorist. I should stop asking stupid questions. Where out there everything could be explained so beautifully. And I would not be able to learn, would not accept when someone says or writes something that has more knowledge than I do.
You have to live with this and I like to live with it.

 

[Nachtweide]

With the recognition of myself the knowledge of the world expanded. Many things simply fell into place without me having to do anything. The processing of my past was also at the same time the processing of my marriage.
If I asked myself the question of my origin, I also set it up for him. In which families were we born? How did we perceive our parents? How did we perceive ourselves in the family? What really shortened my work was the fact that we both had 2 siblings. So it was at the same time possible not only to see one's own person with their career, but I could look at 6 different .

The starting point in the analysis was not one's own grandparents since our parents were the product of a family of origin.
You had to look and analyze each one individually. Then the analysis took place as a relationship. Then the analysis as a family. Thank God, I have an enormous memory of what developed as a child. Cause were constant submissions that I did not tell the truth. Or that my counterpart constantly denied facts. The result was a supercomputer as intrinsic protection.

I have thus my outer perception auditive and visually trained to the smallest detail and stored on my hard drive. Unfortunately, it was my emotional world that constantly boycotted my own hard drive.

I realized that this sort of relationship, which I understood, did not exist. I call it group formation today. The relationship differs only by one fact: the sexual drive.
A marriage is a group of two persons who define themselves as a marriage or relationship through the joint exhilaration of sex drive.
One group is the grouping of people.

Now came a blow on my nose. I suddenly realized that a group is only held together by a common intention. The goal is known to everyone, otherwise he would not join this group. I would not form a group with a human being when the intentions are not known. Then I would make a loose connection.
But are the intentions or goals of a person with whom one wants to be together really known to everyone? No. Not in remotest. And this is a big problem. A person who is looking for love, who wants to build happiness and home, a nest - he actually believes that everyone wants to enter into a relationship with the same intention. So it is simply the same intentions.

I wondered after 25 years of marriage whether my husband had the same intentions and goals as I did? Where did I get the assurance that my virtues were the same as his? Did I know what values ​​he had?
I became ill at the thought of having discovered the greatest error in the subject of relations. It became clear to me that I had only perceived what he had said then. I did not think in my dream that I was being lied, because lying did not make sense to me at all. And so, in naivete, I entered the journey to hell.

 

[Nachtweide]

I need to improve. The starting point of the analysis were the grandparents. Only through this analysis was I able to understand my parents.

A miraculous point I recognized was my language. I could not resist my language. Often I was angry because the answer came later. I was ready to go, but never in stressful situations. I ran into the forest furiously after a lost blow-out. There I scream aloud: Dear God. I have to find words. Please give me the opportunity to talk.
Quite strange. In the forest, I ask God to help me speak.

And then came something unexpected. I began to conduct self-talks. In the car. In the forest. Everywhere I was alone. This was an extension. There was a big table in my head, where everyone involved was sitting with my problem. I learned to take different positions. I was every person at this table with his own arguments. In the end stood the solution.

The result was enormous. My anger disappeared because I could let it go. I've tried it with patients. The anger is like a cooking pot and the man is afraid as he reacts when boil over. To leave a kind of anger is to write. I have written hundreds of letters and deleted them at the end. My anger was gone.
To others, I gave the advice to abuse their car as rage. It works great.

Well, I thought sometime that I was very probably a delusion or schizophrenia. How to talk with his head? I had the opportunity to talk about it with a psychiatrist. He reassured me and said that this was even a form of therapy, which I then probably encountered myself.
I have solved not only current problems, but whole paths for things that were not there yet. My head suddenly became the sea of ​​all possibilities. The result was that I always had solutions ready when it was difficult because the problem was in my head already durchgespielt.
It is very difficult to believe to be normal when the environment suddenly sets you up as abnormal and you speak to yourself. But I knew that my mind was clearer than ever in my life.

 

[Chu]

I am not sure of the kind of feedback you are seeking, Jean d'arc, since you seem to be describing your path, more than asking questions. But it seems like you are analyzing quite a bit of things, and if that helps you, then that's good.

I don't understand what you mean here:

To others, I gave the advice to abuse their car as rage. It works great.

Are you saying that you recommend driving like a mad person, a high speed, recklessly? If so, then I think that's a dangerous way to let go of one's rage! But maybe I misunderstood you.

Now came a blow on my nose. I suddenly realized that a group is only held together by a common intention. The goal is known to everyone, otherwise he would not join this group. I would not form a group with a human being when the intentions are not known. Then I would make a loose connection.
But are the intentions or goals of a person with whom one wants to be together really known to everyone? No. Not in remotest. And this is a big problem. A person who is looking for love, who wants to build happiness and home, a nest - he actually believes that everyone wants to enter into a relationship with the same intention. So it is simply the same intentions.

The problem is that sometimes, even if everyone has the same intentions, intentions without proper knowledge lead to nowhere, or to danger. I think that part of the key is to work with a group whose aim is to know each other and know themselves better and better, while they work towards a common goal outside of themselves too. That is what we try to do here. In English there is a saying that goes: "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions". So, one must be careful of that too, and not just of "different" intentions. So, sometimes it's not that a person lied to you consciously (although that happens, of course), but that they may have lied to themselves, just like you and everybody else lies to themselves. And then, the lie perpetrates until you know better and can change the way you act and communicate. :)

 

[Nachtweide]

Hi, not the car as a weapon emotional. Leave anger in a sheltered room. I can drive a car and be very emotional without affecting driving. I believe that you have to control the body (carriage) and the emotion (horses) completely.
Is it not possible, then when the car is stationary. We have tried several different ways. It was important that

A) a protected space was available
(B) there was no danger.

There were participants who ran and were running out while running as they were alone. At the beginning the running had to be interrupted, since both were not possible. With further running, both could be integrated. The rage was no longer carried out.

There were participants who could no longer bear body contact. They believed that every touch brought their anger out. They did not visit a doctor any more, they were no longer close to each other. In our therapy a big problem, since we work directly on humans. We had a patient who said nothing in therapy. He concentrated only on his body. At that time I was unaware. To my question, how he feels and whether his pain still annoy him, he exploded. The outburst was enormous. Unfortunately, I made the next mistake. I said he had to sign a prescription.
I almost did not survive this therapy.
We talked about it later. It is equal to violence by physical contact. Triggers are words like, must, annoy ... He snaps out immediately. No longer workable, since in public no longer portable.

Why do I write this? That's a good question. I often wonder whether my perception is disturbed. It is also a reworking of my past. What I hope? That one where my writing is illogical or my judgment is not correct. It tells me where I see it wrong.
I have the problem that I want to describe something and then it draws very wide circles. I do not want to give the impression that I am something special, but rather need support, whether my point of view is all right.
Thank you

 

[obyvatel]

[quote author=Jean d`arc]
Why do I write this? That's a good question. I often wonder whether my perception is disturbed. It is also a reworking of my past. What I hope? That one where my writing is illogical or my judgment is not correct. It tells me where I see it wrong.
I have the problem that I want to describe something and then it draws very wide circles. I do not want to give the impression that I am something special, but rather need support, whether my point of view is all right.
[/quote]

I would like to address one aspect of what you have shared.

[quote author=Jean d`arc]
One is afraid because I leave the impression that man is an open book for me and that he can no longer hide behind a facade. I must live with this and I expected this reaction. To see what is not visible is very disturbing for people who only fight their fights in the material world.
.....................

Sometimes I thought I was crazy, but maybe this is a form of inner growth that scares me.

[/quote]

I think when one has successfully gone through the painful process of ruthlessly examining one's past and uprooting false ideas, then a certain kind of wisdom comes from it. It can be disconcerting at first, but with time one gets used to it. It may help to realize that many other humans at different times and from different places have been down the same path - so it is not that unique of an experience.

Then, one needs to use that wisdom responsibly. Just because one can potentially read someone else does not mean that it is the right thing to do. It depends on the circumstance. This is where discipline comes into the picture. Before saying things to the other person, it may be useful to ask oneself some questions like:

- Is the other person asking for help
- Is what I am going to say likely to be beneficial to the other person
- Is this the right time to say these things

If you would like to help others, then it may also be useful to develop communication skills as well as psychological knowledge. Otherwise, you may have the intuitive abilities but lack of skilled presentation would result in you coming across as "weird" and people would feel intimidated and avoid you. Communication skills help in all aspects of life. If you are able to express yourself clearly to others, you are more likely to be taken seriously and have more impact in what you do.

 

[Nachtweide]

The phase of enthusiasm was about 2 years ago. Of course, I was fascinated by everything that suddenly came to me. My helper syndrome came back and I did everything that had not asked again. I have recognized it relatively quickly and I have been very restrained. But there is a very big change for me that is progressing rapidly. I used to live in the outside. Today I live almost only inside.

It's like a translation program in which I translate things in the outside into another level.
If I see an object, I no longer observe it as before. The object expands to a huge something and includes all possibilities. I watch him and automatically see all the realities that affect this subject. The sea of ​​all possibilities.
For example, I see my dog. 10 years ago I noticed the dog in what he does. That was 1 thought. In the phase of the training of consciousness, I looked at the dog: This is my dog. He's in the garden. Today I see the dog and now my head explodes. I see somehow all the realities of this dog without self-evaluation. There are a lot of information and pictures in a very short time.
And the same is true of man. If someone talks to me and gives me only very little information, suddenly infinitely many realities or perhaps even time lines form. Then it slows down and stops at a point of the cycle. And right there I have the right question in me, to which I sometimes do not have a reference. And the answer exactly corresponds to the point where this wheel stopped.
Previously, the conversations were rather when / then. Today this may take 2 sentences and then this person becomes a large sphere with information, realities and timelines.
Also things that happen in the outside were evaluated earlier than operation. I saw the things dual and with evaluation. Today, I read something and suddenly this vastness comes into my head. The thousand possibilities.
I feel that it is the result of conscious thinking, of extended knowledge and experience. No judgment or expectations. There is no longer any possibility to think twice, because suddenly all possibilities and timelines lie before you. I can neither stop these processes nor direct them into a path when it happens.
Difficult is the amount of everything that flows in. I did not need to evaluate or anticipate information in advance. Today I no longer see the picture but everything in one picture. So I might express it.
Also in therapy it is so. I used to have a prescription with a diagnosis. The patient is questioned. The treatment goal is then treated. I had previously thought about whether the symptoms fit the diagnosis. In the course of conscious thought a different way of thinking arose. The diagnosis was perceived, but I was no longer seen as the only possibility. Thought was about the symptom and what possibilities there were to trigger it. Often it was clear at the end that the diagnosis could not be correct, because anatomically impossible.
In this phase I had to learn a lot more knowledge. Today it is so that I hear a symptom and in my head my whole knowledge comes out in a second and starts analyzing independently until it stops at a point. And precisely this point determines the highest probability of the actual diagnosis.
I feel that I need only a few details today, and then, in my mind, the whole knowledge is presented. I am, so to speak, only the recipient of the information. The processing takes place in contrast to formerly no longer consciously by own reflection. It feels as if the information goes to an external database and there the actual selection and processing take place. I serve only as a transmitter of information. Even I need to actively and consciously no longer think.
The only thing I have to do is to match the result to the truth test. And that is probably the real problem. The more I have perceived, the more it agrees.
Of course, I had to ask myself parallelly whether I am imagining this. Definitely not, otherwise the results would look different.

Is there anything to do with desire or expectation? No. I do not want or expect anything. The results are very often even that I wonder about it myself.
Is there something related to narcissism? This was a legitimate question because narcissism is common in my family. Today I can answer the question clearly with no. It is so that I suffer more under the condition of finding him as pleasant. This state leads to a life without lies. And I live in a world where you want to be lied. So rejection is to be expected.

A narcissist needs confirmation from outside, I need as confirmation results which I can check.

 

[Nachtweide]

I have thought about why only certain areas are affected here. These are the areas that have the highest priority for me. Probably my destiny. In many areas I do not have this condition. And it is clearly connected with the level of my knowledge and also my interest.
For all areas that I do not give my attention, I am still in the mode of acquiring knowledge. I have to look at each part separately. Here there are only weak to no big pictures.
My full attention is in the area
A) Human anatomical
B) Total human beings
C) Everything that has to do with build
D) Politics and economy

Today I saw more examples. I needed stones to dress up a wall. I used to go to the store, look for the item and buy it.
Today I see the stone and then explodes this thinking. From this stone, buildings, walls, houses .... It is as if I was not only aware of the stone but everything that this stone could be. The problem starts with a single screw. I suddenly see everything that this screw could concern.
I've tried it once with an area that I do not really like. Painting and pictures. It did not trigger anything at all. I see a picture and nothing happens.

Is it that the acquisition of knowledge can bring awareness to a point that brings everything together? Does it have anything to do with enlightenment?

As for people, it is so that I say very little and it opens by itself. I believe my language and my words have changed. Like a kind of opener. People suddenly start talking about themselves. I am rather frightened by the result, because the reactions to a conversation both confuse. And in the end often comes: How is that what you do? Everything is so clear to me now.
I myself must then say: I do not know how it goes. It's just there.

 

[Nachtweide]

I've been thinking about why I wrote this post. Also taking into account the responses. I realized that there was no intention at all. It was also not recognizable, because I did not know which goal I pursued with it.
Perhaps it is an aspect of my confusion that it is difficult for me at the moment to formulate the intention. If I wrote this post today, the question was:
Is it possible that at a point in the learning curve there is a complete change in the overall view which is no longer self-controllable or controllable?
Is it possible that at a point of knowledge all the knowledge is available?
Is it possible that this state causes a feeling of dissolution?
The change in the way of looking at it affects only the area by acquiring a lot of knowledge through experience and experience - other areas are not affected. Could it be that you have access to an external source, which is now constantly open when you need it without consciously striving for it?
When acquiring knowledge, every aspect is illuminated from all sides. You give every thing its fair share. You have to consciously look at it. Through this awareness one acquires control over the thinking and the question of the intention. Before the beginning of conscious thinking, the uncontrolled inflow of thoughts, judgments and evaluations. Then begins the phase of disagreement and contemplation. This increases knowledge. My confusion arose because it was no longer possible for me to view and analyze the object. When we look at it, this feeling of infinite expanse develops with all its information. It is as if the wheel is driven from somewhere and suddenly stands still at a point. And the answer does not have to be devised by me but is conceived somewhere and I only feel as a transmitter of the information.
The feeling of losing control is my confusion. When I pass the information, however, I now get results which are correct in themselves, since the confirmation from the outside is very high. I myself have no intentions at all, but the information flows simply.
It is simply the feeling of insecurity that it is no longer possible for me to have the object of contemplation under my control.