Repeated shocks to the system

[endescent]

I have followed the Cassiopaea community for over ten years. I've read a great many articles and books and forum threads discussing many esoteric ideas and I've been deeply influenced to gather knowledge and add substance to my being by doing so. In the past few months I have been moving closer to a state of clarity and awareness that has been brewing inside for a long time. I have struggled for many years with addiction and mental illness, partly because of my feelings of isolation from most people and partially because of the extreme places my studies have brought me. I have suffered terrible things over and over in states that were exacerbated by paranoia and a feeling of helplessness. Only very recently did it 'click' that what was missing was The Work. Without The Work, these ideas that push the very limit of existence can be very corrosive and traumatic in ways people aren't prepared to handle.

As I've explored the cornucopia of ideas within this community, I tended to float rather aimlessly from topic to topic, sacrificing quality for quantity. One important lesson that DID sink in is that continual shocks are needed to wake up out the stupor, the trance, the funk that is just drilled into people by the full crushing weight of Western influence. So I read SOTT as frequently as possible. I realize now after reading things like Depression as a stepping stone to soul growth that my struggles with these things have been forging the beginnings of a true 'I' in the crucible of trial by fire. After many years of continual shocks, I can say with certainty that I've had a glimpse of awakening.

This has kindled a deep desire to devote myself more fully to The Work and my life has finally been improving after the last few years of an extreme emotional rollercoaster. I've tasted a little, and I want more. However, I realize that I cannot put myself on the next step unless I help put someone on the step I'm trying to leave. The only way to get there is together. I can only keep what I have by giving it away.

Repeated shocks can wake you up, this is a proven formula. But the waking state is initially unstable, and effort must be maintained. I think I had long ago convinced myself that I was kind of fated to live the American lifestyle, that I couldn't escape it. Obviously, as a result of this self delusion, I suffered a great deal. Now that I'm reflecting back on all that pain, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, I am ready to do anything, ANYTHING to break free of it.

To look back and see how asleep and going around in circles (many I's) I've been for all those years is a harsh reality to face, but as Laura said in The Wave:

I raged at lessons that drove home these points in my personal life; and I have wept oceans for the loss of my innocence. So, believe me when I say to those of you who write to me struggling to grasp this, trying to reason and rationalize some way to hang on to the old, false belief systems – I do understand!

But, when all is said and done, I think I wept even more for all the years wasted in stupidity and blindness. After a time, I realized that we are only stupid and blind exactly as long as we need to be stupid and blind, and not one second longer. I am enormously grateful for all those experiences because they did teach me in a very deep way.

And for many, that is what it takes to wake them up. That is what it took for me. As the C's said,

Session 26 April 2014:

A: Connect the chakras for superstrength and resistance.

Q: (Approaching Infinity) Are there any more specific practical exercises we can do to connect chakras?

A: [letters come very rapidly] Talking and working out issues is the way to train the machine. But more than that, it is necessary to master the self and that requires suffering which turns on DNA.

And there is the second lesson, the value of networking and a robust feedback mechanism is something I've been lacking. My participation in the forum has been occasional and uncommitted because I hadn't woken up enough yet. I didn't 'get it' yet. It was more like a hobby than a job, an apprenticeship. Without the intense heat of the crucible beginning to fuse something inside, I'd still be stuck on the out-of-control carnival ride. Now that I'm off it, I'm purging and dizzy and I don't want to get back on. I want to know how the machine works, what makes it spin in that sickening way it does.

And there is the third lesson I have gleaned is that I haven't been keeping up with EE, I haven't been keeping up with diet, mostly because of the self delusion of "well I have to go along with what everybody else is doing because I don't want to go against the grain." Pun intended. I simply need to figure out how to do the ketogenic diet on a tight budget and practice EE regularly.

And I can't do this alone. I need your help because I am not yet strong enough to stand on my own two feet. The culmination of a decade of intense suffering, these past few years have been deeply humbling, as has the realization that I still have a long way to go. But I have always been an optimist at heart, sure of the fact that the little good that can be found in this world can be saved and is worth fighting for.

I am deeply grateful to all of you for showing me the way out and the profound positive influence you have had on me. I want to give something back, so that's why I am writing this. If others can benefit from my suffering and lack of discipline, even just one other, then we as a group may do and be that much better. Let me be an example of what could happen if these earth-shattering revelations aren't tempered by devotion to oneself and the group as a whole. I only wish it had happened sooner, but something tells me it happened exactly as it needed to, and could not have happened any other way for me. Things on the BBM are reaching a fever pitch, and that added pressure finally jarred something loose inside me. If you are still asleep, wake up! WAKE UP! Look at what's going on out there repeatedly and frequently until something snaps! I can, I must, and I will do what is necessary because I can't go back to sleep, I just can't! If nothing else can drag you out of that stupor, the gargantuan and despicable machinations of psychopaths can. Just keep reading what they're up to until you see the war that we are fighting, the terror of the situation. This is the value of repeated shocks to the system, as I see it now.

Thanks for letting me share.

 

[nicklebleu]

Hi endescent,

"Welcome back!"



And thanks for sharing.

As to the KD on a tight budget, my experience has been that I tend to spend less than I did on the "normal" diet. Because once you are established, you will need much less food to satisfy your body, as meat and fats are much more dense nutritionally. You might find a local butcher selling grass-fed meat, where you can buy off-cuts and organ meat, which crazily are often very cheap (but very healthy), as they contain all the fat.

I am happy for you for all the lessons learned, keep at it, and let us know of your progress.

 

[Oxajil]

Hi endescent, glad you're back, I think you took a big step in the right direction. But as you said you'd have to keep moving forward, keep putting energy into improving your life and giving back to others in ways you can. Which you have done just by writing this post.

And I can't do this alone. I need your help because I am not yet strong enough to stand on my own two feet.

And we're here for you. I second nicklebleu's suggestion to please keep us updated on how you're doing. Have you been doing some reading already on the paleo/ketogenic diet?

 

[Fluffy]

Gee endescent, it's like you sifted through my head and pieced together my thoughts for me, a future me that hasn't arrived there yet.. I'm so far behind you coz there is no way I could come up with such articulation and self recognition at this point of my journey, you're way ahead of where I'm at and I might just be that one person you place on the step behind you. Right now I'm still scattered all over the place, I don't remember myself well, I don't fully understand what 'the work' entails even though I've read about it over and over and I'm fully deluded by my own subjective existence. I feel rather pathetic and almost unworthy of being on this forum with very little useful wisdom and intelligence to share... Most of my posts have left me feeling like I'm a baby who needs constant pacifying. I jump without looking and I can barely sit still let alone get my mind still to meditate or heaven forbid - attempt to practice EE... I'm afraid of myself and what I will see if I look too deeply. I do have my diet under control though, it has taken up a lot of my headspace and I mostly focus on this because I don't know where to turn to next and I think that's helping but i really don't know anything else ...
Wow thanks for sharing so much and please please keep on posting because you've really stuck a chord with me tonight.
from your little sister Fluffy

 

[Starshine]

Thanks for sharing your experience, endescent.
Indeed, I do relate to what you say.

My participation in the forum has been occasional and uncommitted because I hadn't woken up enough yet. I didn't 'get it' yet. It was more like a hobby than a job, an apprenticeship. Without the intense heat of the crucible beginning to fuse something inside, I'd still be stuck on the out-of-control carnival ride. Now that I'm off it, I'm purging and dizzy and I don't want to get back on. I want to know how the machine works, what makes it spin in that sickening way it does.

Perceiving it as a hobby instead of a Work... And what's more for me, it's been like a hidden hobby. As I had an experience that refrained me from participating, I felt like I should remain silent to avoid being "attacked". Didn't directly caught that the attack was coming from somewhere else. The possibility to grow is real here.

And there is the third lesson I have gleaned is that I haven't been keeping up with EE, I haven't been keeping up with diet, mostly because of the self delusion of "well I have to go along with what everybody else is doing because I don't want to go against the grain." Pun intended. I simply need to figure out how to do the ketogenic diet on a tight budget and practice EE regularly.

And I can't do this alone. I need your help because I am not yet strong enough to stand on my own two feet. The culmination of a decade of intense suffering, these past few years have been deeply humbling, as has the realization that I still have a long way to go. But I have always been an optimist at heart, sure of the fact that the little good that can be found in this world can be saved and is worth fighting for.

This is mostly a fear of being judged, and not accepted. It really is powerful at restraining oneself. But truly realizing the condition we're in will overcome this feeling. And all fears.
The only thing that makes me point to the diet Ketoadaptation - Consensus(which is hard to set as long as you consider it is) and practicing EE more and more regularly is: knowing more, recapitulate and applying. Acknowledging the results of the experience and understanding then. Nothing new. Still, the simpler the harder to understand.
There's no shortcuts, we have to gain discipline and go step by step instead of letting the predator's mind use our energy.
We have to free ourselves from anticipation and imagination to allow a proper energy use.
I think you're strong enough to stand on your two feet and feel grounded. You're helping too and I thank you again for sharing this. We're definitely not alone.

From Eíriú-Eolas - Guide/FAQ

for all of you "going through the fire", just know that you are not alone. Also know that it doesn't last forever ... though at some points, it may be so intense that you think you are going mad. What's a few weeks of madness to pay for the bestowal of SEEing?

Let's maintain the effort together.

 

[Lizziespreparetogovegan]

Welcome back to the forum endescent, seems like you've returned with some gusto and understanding of what you want to do and where you want to go which is great. There's a certain clarity to your writing which I enjoyed reading :)

I can very much relate to your post as I too have left the forum many times only to realise that it's not possible to go back to sleep entirely, at least not without serious and destructive consequences for the psyche/soul. I think extreme vigilance is the key. When you feel like you've made some progress, are feeling 'good' and have achieved something in the work, that's the time to gather everything you have accomplished and use it to further the journey. Talking from my own experience here, 'Achievement' and relief at making progress can be trap in itself as one is then tempted to 'rest on one's laurels', which can lead to slipping back to old ways. No need to feel desperate either, we can only do what we can do, in the present moment, as much without anticipation as we are able.

I wish you all the best in your journey :)

 

[Meg]

Hi Endescent,

What you have learned and written about is a positive step. Keep putting energy into it and know you aren't alone in the struggle to wake up. Doing EE regularly and going paleo/keto will help a lot.

Welcome 'back' and thanks for posting.

Onward and upward! :)

 

[theos]

I am deeply grateful to all of you for showing me the way out and the profound positive influence you have had on me. I want to give something back, so that's why I am writing this. If others can benefit from my suffering and lack of discipline, even just one other, then we as a group may do and be that much better. Let me be an example of what could happen if these earth-shattering revelations aren't tempered by devotion to oneself and the group as a whole. I only wish it had happened sooner, but something tells me it happened exactly as it needed to, and could not have happened any other way for me. Things on the BBM are reaching a fever pitch, and that added pressure finally jarred something loose inside me. If you are still asleep, wake up! WAKE UP! Look at what's going on out there repeatedly and frequently until something snaps! I can, I must, and I will do what is necessary because I can't go back to sleep, I just can't! nothing else can drag you out of that stupor, the gargantuan and despicable machinations of psychopaths can. Just keep reading what they're up to until you see the war that we are fighting, the terror of the situation. This is the value of repeated shocks to the system, as I see it now.

Thanks for letting me share.

By sharing this you have helped people. Maybe even more than you know. We're all in the same boat as you: putting one foot in front of the other to continue working ourselves, regardless of where on the ladder we happen to be. It's a privilege to have a group of like minded people to share this crazy ride with.

Thanks for posting and keep on keeping on.

 

[endescent]

[quote author=Oxajil]
Have you been doing some reading already on the paleo/ketogenic diet?
[/quote]

I'm reading the forum threads and sott articles, and I've started reading Keto Adapted, Primal Body - Primal Mind, Deep Nutrition, etc.

[quote author=Fluffy]
...I'm so far behind you coz there is no way I could come up with such articulation and self recognition at this point of my journey, you're way ahead of where I'm at and I might just be that one person you place on the step behind you. Right now I'm still scattered all over the place, I don't remember myself well, I don't fully understand what 'the work' entails even though I've read about it over and over and I'm fully deluded by my own subjective existence. I feel rather pathetic and almost unworthy of being on this forum with very little useful wisdom and intelligence to share...Most of my posts have left me feeling like I'm a baby who needs constant pacifying. I jump without looking and I can barely sit still let alone get my mind still to meditate or heaven forbid - attempt to practice EE... I'm afraid of myself and what I will see if I look too deeply.
[/quote]

Sister Fluffy, a few points if I may. We are very lucky to have you present here, for each one of us has their story, and every story is as rich and dynamic as possible, it has much we all can learn from and relate to. The fact that you are observing yourself, seeing what isn't working, and struggling against yourself means you are doing the work. You are indeed worthy and welcome here.

[quote author=Starshine]
Knowing more, recapitulate and applying. Acknowledging the results of the experience and understanding then. Nothing new. Still, the simpler the harder to understand. There's no shortcuts, we have to gain discipline and go step by step instead of letting the predator's mind use our energy. We have to free ourselves from anticipation and imagination to allow a proper energy use. I think you're strong enough to stand on your two feet and feel grounded. You're helping too and I thank you again for sharing this. We're definitely not alone.
[/quote]

Quite right. What was that old phrase, something about knowledge doesn't become wisdom until it's applied in practice...there's several things that need to be kept in awareness simultaneously. This takes practice and correctly used energy to accomplish consistently. I know that I actually can stand on my own feet sometimes, these past few months I've been finding I have deep reservoirs of will and focus I never knew I had. Maybe this is a result of more balance in my centers and more correct use of energies.

[quote author=Zenith]
I think extreme vigilance is the key. When you feel like you've made some progress, are feeling 'good' and have achieved something in the work, that's the time to gather everything you have accomplished and use it to further the journey. Talking from my own experience here, 'Achievement' and relief at making progress can be trap in itself as one is then tempted to 'rest on one's laurels', which can lead to slipping back to old ways. No need to feel desperate either, we can only do what we can do, in the present moment, as much without anticipation as we are able.
[/quote]

The original post may have sounded a bit alarmed or desperate towards the end, but I really meant to convey the passion and drive I've been feeling. Vigilance is indeed of paramount importance, especially following success or achievement.

[quote author=Odyssey]
By sharing this you have helped people. Maybe even more than you know. We're all in the same boat as you: putting one foot in front of the other to continue working ourselves, regardless of where on the ladder we happen to be. It's a privilege to have a group of like minded people to share this crazy ride with.
[/quote]

Very true Odyssey. Thank you all for your comments and encouragement. The honor and privilege is mine too.

I've just finished ISOTM and I've begun reading Gnosis. As I work through the 4th way books I'll continue to read Important Threads for the Work. I will check in and update you on my progress.