Repressed anger

[spheric]

Context: I've been thinking that by reintegrating and networking with the self-first to become whole then external networking will happen naturally, and it’s extrapolated to all levels from micro to macro to multi-dimensional. So like a mosaic/flower of life that is you with different sections representing experiences we’ve had to represent us now, revisit those parts and work on reconnecting so information can flow freely. From my understanding love == acceptance without prejudice.

Question: what's the best way to do it, in meditation is it for the observer to revisit those parts of self that we’ve repressed and love and accept without prejudice or is it to visualize those parts coming back to self and dissolving for the mosaic to become whole? I'm interested in hearing about other people's methods.

I had a very good experience recently revisiting parts of myself that had emotional trauma and that expressed itself with lots of crying but incredibly positive. When exploring repressed anger I think I feel it like a sphere of energy that is unstable with spikes jumping around sporadically, it certainly feels like anger like if one were to act on rage without thinking, what's the best way to work on this? The same method?

Overall I’m finding it super fun and very curious. I think I finally have a path forward that feels right lol

 

[Alejo]

Question: what's the best way to do it, in meditation is it for the observer to revisit those parts of self that we’ve repressed and love and accept without prejudice or is it to visualize those parts coming back to self and dissolving for the mosaic to become whole? I'm interested in hearing about other people's methods.

Best way to integrate and network with the self? well.. some of it is introspection, meditation, journaling, yes.. but over the years I have been surprised at the moments when I connect with myself, exercise, walks, chats with friends, dog walks... it's truly individual.

But also, a lot of the stuff that I've discovered about myself has come into my awareness through networking with others, hearing my self speak or reading what I write, teaches me about myself and my own understanding about any given topic.

As I've become aware of certain aspects of myself, I have come to understand that the loving response isn't always simply unconditional acceptance, sometimes the loving response, is denial, discipline, restriction. Sometimes the answer is indeed care and affection, or welcoming these parts in a nuturing manner to my life, but not always.

There are indeed parts of myself I do not wish to include in my being, aspects that I am ashamed of, choices that bring regret into my mind, and so.. the loving response comes from your self-awareness, your knowledge and primarily I would say, from the person you are aiming to become, once that aim is locked in, so to speak, that future self can be the way to gauge what response to have to the aspects you become aware of.

for instance, if you aim to become an honest person, for instance, and you discover parts of yourself that are liars, then the answer won't be acceptance and integration, it's struggle. Does that make sense?

 

[spheric]

for instance, if you aim to become an honest person, for instance, and you discover parts of yourself that are liars, then the answer won't be acceptance and integration, it's struggle. Does that make sense?

Thanks! Makes sense, for the Lying bit would it be to try and find the root distortion in local self? like if it’s based on some block somewhere, to go there but maybe it’s like an onion keep peeling away distortion on distortion.

I have had some destructive patterns gambling etc but recently, I had a significant positive experience related to a traumatic event from 20 years ago. The ideal response from my father at that time would have been acceptance and love, but his reaction was distant and unresolved. He didn’t quite know how to respond (I think). My reaction was to dissociate and split. During meditation, I observed the scene and the emotion, accepted myself with the reassurance that ‘everything’s going to be okay,’ and accepted my father as he is. I recognised that his intent was never malevolent and understood that he, too, is a victim of trauma, having a father who was an alcoholic and died at an early age. This realisation led to a huge release of emotion, which felt positive. Following this, I started ‘hearing’ voices or an inner monologue that was unusually positive for me. I think next time we meet I’ll discuss it with him to see what he thinks, if he remembers, I guess that’s networking?

There are moments in my childhood that come to mind where I think I’ve repressed anger but it feels different to the example above, but the same disassociation occurred, has anyone worked on resolving anger in self during meditation? And any method you’d like to share?

 

[Jones]

There are moments in my childhood that come to mind where I think I’ve repressed anger but it feels different to the example above, but the same disassociation occurred, has anyone worked on resolving anger in self during meditation? And any method you’d like to share?

I think it's really an individual thing and maybe something best explored with a therapist in conjunction with your meditation practice. There are some methods that encourage a safe expression of anger, but that could lead to an abreaction and as Heller indicates in Healing Developmental Trauma, some trauma's should not be abreacted because it can make matters worse. So until more information is gathered, it's probably best to go gently. Alternatively, you could check out the Éiriú-Eolas - Breathing Program. Some have been able to work through anger with that.

 

[spheric]

I think it's really an individual thing and maybe something best explored with a therapist in conjunction with your meditation practice. There are some methods that encourage a safe expression of anger, but that could lead to an abreaction and as Heller indicates in Healing Developmental Trauma, some trauma's should not be abreacted because it can make matters worse. So until more information is gathered, it's probably best to go gently. Alternatively, you could check out the Éiriú-Eolas - Breathing Program. Some have been able to work through anger with that.

Cheers Jones, I only just started listening to Healing Development Trauma but will continue. I’ve done a bit of pipe breathing and have been repeating prayer of soul over and over during meditation. I found after a certain time I stop and move to silence asking myself to reveal something with interesting results, one time I was trying to force things but it didn’t really feel right so went in calm and that felt better.

 

[Cordillera]

The first thing I can say is that it is difficult to give general advice, without knowing you, but I will try.

In the Somatic Experiencing method, it is understood that this pattern of repressed anger was stored in your body when you lived a dangerous experience, in which you tried to defend yourself through fighting (physical or verbal), but you could not complete the defense response, because the threat was stronger than you. As happens when we get angry with our parents and they respond with violence, physical or emotional.

Then you need to discharge that energy that was trapped in your nervous system.

You will usually feel anger with sensations (or loss of sensations) in your face, jaw, arms, hands, shoulders or back.

It is very important that you identify how and where you feel anger in YOUR body, so that you can work with small portions of anger that you can sustain before you reach a level where you dissociate, explode, or freeze.

So, my recommendation is to mobilize that part of the body where the manifestation of anger appears. If it is on the face: make faces. If it is in the throat: make sounds or say words. If it is in the arms: push a wall or the floor with force and with slow movements.

When doing these exercises, you can imagine an uncomfortable situation that you have had with someone who is not threatening to you, to activate the nervous system associated with emotion and discharge the energy generated by body movement.

The exercises are just an example, the ideal is to find the movement that YOUR own body wants to do.

It is always very important to be fully aware of body sensations during exercise and it is always preferable to do less than more, because you are training your nervous system gently and slowly.

Hope this can help you.

 

[Oxajil]

During meditation, I observed the scene and the emotion, accepted myself with the reassurance that ‘everything’s going to be okay,’ and accepted my father as he is. I recognised that his intent was never malevolent and understood that he, too, is a victim of trauma, having a father who was an alcoholic and died at an early age. This realisation led to a huge release of emotion, which felt positive.

I think that's a good way to go about it. You went back to the scene, reassured yourself and looked at it with a different understanding. It kind of reminds me of a trauma therapy technique called imagery rescripting where people go back to certain memories and rewrite them with the help of a therapist, and while you didn't rewrite it, you revisited it with a new understanding leading to a release. Hopefully that scene or memory doesn't bother you as much anymore in a negative way!

Having said that, it also might be worth considering that perhaps your father's response was a normal response to unfortunate news. If a parent is loving and accepting with a lot of things, then that might reinforce or enable behavior that isn't favorable. But I understand from what you wrote that this was a situation where reacting in a loving and accepting way would've been appropriate.

Following this, I started ‘hearing’ voices or an inner monologue that was unusually positive for me.

What did the voices/inner monologue say? Were they just positive thoughts you had about yourself or the situation?

I think it's really an individual thing and maybe something best explored with a therapist in conjunction with your meditation practice. There are some methods that encourage a safe expression of anger, but that could lead to an abreaction and as Heller indicates in Healing Developmental Trauma, some trauma's should not be abreacted because it can make matters worse. So until more information is gathered, it's probably best to go gently. Alternatively, you could check out the Éiriú-Eolas - Breathing Program. Some have been able to work through anger with that.

Yeah, I second the above! Thanks for sharing, spheric.

 

[iamthatis]

I think there are two basic modes of unhealthy anger - repressing it and pretending it doesn't exist, and of course over-expressing it and exploding all the time. Healthy anger is the third principle; a proportionate response to an imposition, drawing a boundary and saying a firm NO.

So in certain cases, I think 'righteous anger' is very necessary as a self-defense mechanism. For me this has been an important lesson, because pathological types feed on empathic, overly-nice people who never learned how to stand up for themselves. So there's a link between righteous anger and our ability to exercise our Free Will.

Only recently have I learned that anger as a self-defense mechanism isn't only useful in terms of the external world and its many petty tyrants, but also our inner life. Pete Walker in his book on CPTSD advocates for directing anger towards what he calls our Inner Critic. We could also think of it as the Predator Mind voice that is always trying to tell us that we are worthless, puny humans, over-emphasizing our mistakes, cutting us down, and causing us to get trapped in negative thought loops.

Using Anger To Thought-Stop The Critic

Thought-stopping is the process of using willpower to disidentify from and interrupt toxic thoughts and visualizations. Sometimes visualizing a stop sign at the same time can help strengthen thought-stopping. Since traumatizing parents cripple the instinctive fight response of their child, recovering the anger of the fight response is essential in healing Cptsd. We need the aid of our fight response to empower the process of thought-stopping the critic.

I cannot over-encourage you to use your anger to stop the critic in its tracks. We can re-hijack the anger of the critic’s attack, and forcefully redirect it at the critic instead of ourselves. We can then silently and internally say “No!” or “Stop!” or “Shut Up!” to short-circuit drasticizing and perfectionistic mental processes. Angrily saying “No!” to the critic sets an internal boundary against unnatural, anti-self processes. It is the hammer of self-renovating carpentry that rebuilds our instinct of self-protection. Furthermore recovery is deepened by directing our anger at anyone who helped install the critic, as well as at anyone who is currently contributing to keeping it alive.

Successful critic-shrinking usually requires thousands of angry skirmishes with the critic. Passionate motivation for this work often arises when we construct an accurate picture of our upbringing. Natural
anger eventually arises when we really get how little and defenseless we were when our parents bullied us into hating ourselves. Most trauma survivors were blank slates who were brainwashed into accepting the critic as their primary identity. To the degree that a family is Cptsd-engendering, to that degree is it like a mini-cult. Cults demand absolute loyalty to the leader’s authority and belief system. In early thought-stopping work, most survivors need to empower their efforts with a healthy rage against their parents for destroying their self-loyalty and their self-individuation. However, with enough practice, the survivor’s healthy observing ego can use willpower alone to disidentify from the critic.

Of course, there are also times when we really need to listen to the critic. So it's not black and white. He goes into all that in detail.

A couple other things I've read about anger come from the book Not Nice by Aziz Gazipura. He advocates consciously exploring our negative emotions and unconscious drives. The two practices he mentions are 'shadow-journaling' and 'rage-walking'.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about these, because as was mentioned above by Jones with regards to the Healing Developmental Trauma Book, it may result in re-traumatizing oneself. So I think there's a big part to be played by one's awareness and intent in doing these kinds of practices. Take 'em with a grain of salt.

Shadow Journal

Find a private and secure place where you can feel safe to write out anything and everything that comes to your mind. This is not the kind of journal you are going to flip back through, awakening enchanting memories of past meals and experiences. This is more like vomiting onto a page.

I suggest fifteen to twenty minutes per session. If you get into it and want to continue, that’s great. In those twenty minutes, your goal is simply to write freely, quickly, and uninhibitedly from the shadow parts of your mind and heart.

At first, much of this is unconscious. We are not even aware that we’re angry, or resentful, or sad, or sexually frustrated. Just reading this chapter may have opened up more of your awareness, and writing in a Shadow Journal will continue that process. The key is to start with what you are aware of.

The easiest way to get writing is to begin by discussing your feelings from the day. What happened that was exciting or challenging? How do you feel about the events that occurred, and the people you interacted with? As you let this flow, you can begin to ask yourself questions about your current circumstances in general:

• What is upsetting to you in your life?
• What pressures do you feel?
• What demands do others place on you?
• What demands do you place on yourself?
• What irritates or frustrates you?

Starting with these kinds of questions can help you access your repressed feelings. It also helps to remember that your shadow is mostly made up of your Id– the impulse-driven, immature, irrational, pleasure-seeking child inside of you. This part wants pleasure, wants it now, and hates not getting his or her way. He wants to be taken care of, and have all discomforts and problems taken away. She wants to be admired, praised, and seen as special. He may have fantasies of revenge, glory, or sexual conquest. She may be judgmental, petty, and highly critical of others. When you sit down to write, think about your life from this part’s perspective. What might your Id be pissed off about?

This kind of journaling can be an uncomfortable and humbling process. You start to see just how immature and irrational a part of you can be. This awareness, and the discomfort that it brings up, is the main reason most people will never look inward in this way, and never do a journal like this.

And, unfortunately, most people remain stuck, frustrated, dissatisfied, people-pleasing, anxious, unhappy, and never reach their dreams and true potential. Let’s not be like most people in that way.

Once you get into it, you just might find that this journal becomes relieving, helpful, and liberating. I personally have found that writing in this way greatly reduces stress, improves my mood, makes me more relaxed, loving, generous, and playful. All the energy that had gone into suppressing my shadow is now liberated and I have more vitality.

Rage Walk

Get suited up, it’s time to go for a walk. No headphones, no audiobooks, no cell phone, no distractions. Simply set out for 20 minutes, or more, and be with yourself. This activity is similar to the Shadow Journal without the writing. You can ask yourself the same kind of prompting questions and focus on the frustrations of your Id.

As you walk and focus on these things, let yourself fully feel the agitation and frustration inside of you. Let yourself feel raw anger and rage. Ideally you are taking this walk down empty suburban streets or around a park– somewhere there aren’t too many people around. Then, talk out loud. Speak some of your frustrations, angers, and resentments. If there are people nearby, you can always say these things under your breath.

When I do this, I walk quickly, let myself feel, and mutter quite a bit. I also let my face express the feelings I am having; I’ll grit my teeth, furrow my brow, and flare my nose. I let myself curse, and rage at all those people and situations in my life that enrage me. Sure, I may look insane, but who cares? I’m not doing this walking down 5th Avenue in New York City. This is a side street in suburban Portland, very few people are around, no one notices, and no one cares.

It also helps to breathe deeply as you feel the anger and other emotions. Deep, full breaths in and out. Fill your belly and chest with air. I also like to take the fingers of my dominant hand and gently tap on my chest. This, combined with the breathing, helps to move large amounts of anger and other emotions quickly.

Much like the journaling, after doing one of these walks I feel clearer, lighter, and refreshed. I am more resourceful in addressing my challenges and problems, and in dealing with people that may be frustrating or taxing.

These might be kinda like practical applications of what Jordan Peterson says about the vital need to understand the monsters inside us in order to keep those monsters in check, aka 'making the darkness conscious'.

The Benefits

As you become aware of your shadow, stop rejecting it, and welcome it in without judgment, some amazing things will happen. You will start to feel lighter, more energized, and freer. That oppressive sense of badness, shame, and guilt will begin to lift, and you just might start liking and loving yourself.

This shift occurs because you’ve started to really pay attention, in a curious and non-judgmental way, to a part of yourself that desperately needs your attention. Instead of being at odds with yourself, running from and suppressing parts of you, you’re becoming self-aware.

In addition, you start to become OK with who you are, and less concerned with what others will think. The things we’re most afraid others will judge us for—pettiness, anger, jealousy, insensitivity, greed, sexual desires, and all the rest—we accept. We won’t have to vehemently deny or defend the reality that part of us is sometimes selfish, or angry, or greedy. It stops being such a big deal. We become more at peace with all aspects of ourselves. And you will begin to see just how powerful you really are.

Gurdjieff wrote that anger can be transmuted into creativity, and I never knew what that looked like. I think maybe these sorts of experiments above may be an indication of what's possible.

 

[spheric]

Thank you all for the wonderful thoughtful advice! will apply the exercises and funnily enough I did think about journaling the other day, it's a good time to start!

What did the voices/inner monologue say? Were they just positive thoughts you had about yourself or the situation?

This was just out of meditation during the release of emotion but it started with something so specific, funny, and loving that it must've come from my Grandma, then it was as if the gates were blown open and many different "voices" started coming in, I've never had that experience before.

It was my voice, in my mind but it wasn't very clear, a bit distorted, and many messages overlapping, when trying to focus on one it's as if it had two meanings, couldn't get the exact words. I remember "rejoice something" on loop and something about "We are the Galactic Federation", I'm aware that label is of a group but I hadn't read about them for a long time, at that point I questioned myself - is this channeling? or just my mind?. I did feel a great sense of connectedness and love during and personally, the experience built my faith to continue.

At some point, the communication started going a bit negative or maybe something I didn't agree with but not necessarily negative (can't quite remember) and I said "No" and then it all quieted down.

 

[Alejo]

Thanks! Makes sense, for the Lying bit would it be to try and find the root distortion in local self? like if it’s based on some block somewhere, to go there but maybe it’s like an onion keep peeling away distortion on distortion.

Yes, that's a good way to see it.. or to approach it, to understand it, although that can be a bit of a trap in itself, because we can spend years ruminating over endless details and never really act. In that sense, sometimes it's better to leap, the reasons sometimes do not show up before you make a decision, sometimes they show up after. Sometimes it's a matter of faith, so to speak, with the example of lying, as you decipher where it comes from, it's better to jump to action.

There are moments in my childhood that come to mind where I think I’ve repressed anger but it feels different to the example above, but the same disassociation occurred, has anyone worked on resolving anger in self during meditation? And any method you’d like to share?

I think it's very individual, some people are very effective at meditating a healthy way to express anger, some are more active meditators, I'm one of those, I usually deal with anger better when I am in motion, not necessarily strenuous activities, although those really help, but sometime even cleaning or walking.

I have always assumed that my body is engaged in something and as such, my emotions are allowed to be more visible, so to speak. There's the other aspect of emotions being held in our body, muscles and organs... and I think that movement, for me personally, allows some of those stuck energies to flow out and become.. malleable, if you will.

But also, as endless as some of our emotions feel, as anger does sometimes, when it is associated with movement like exercise, and it is allowed to be expressed in conscious movement, once one reaches exhaustion, anger stops feeling endless and overwhelming, andit becomes finite. You give yourself permission to be angry and express said anger through movement, and then you naturally calm down, anger expressed.

I think you would enjoy a book called Inviting a Monkey to Tea, it speaks about befriending some of these emotions we tend to respires, and I think the author does a wonderful job.

 

[heinrich]

Context: I've been thinking that by reintegrating and networking with the self-first to become whole then external networking will happen naturally, and it’s extrapolated to all levels from micro to macro to multi-dimensional. So like a mosaic/flower of life that is you with different sections representing experiences we’ve had to represent us now, revisit those parts and work on reconnecting so information can flow freely. From my understanding love == acceptance without prejudice.

Question: what's the best way to do it, in meditation is it for the observer to revisit those parts of self that we’ve repressed and love and accept without prejudice or is it to visualize those parts coming back to self and dissolving for the mosaic to become whole? I'm interested in hearing about other people's methods.

I had a very good experience recently revisiting parts of myself that had emotional trauma and that expressed itself with lots of crying but incredibly positive. When exploring repressed anger I think I feel it like a sphere of energy that is unstable with spikes jumping around sporadically, it certainly feels like anger like if one were to act on rage without thinking, what's the best way to work on this? The same method?

Overall I’m finding it super fun and very curious. I think I finally have a path forward that feels right lol

a good question. we say that time heals all wounds. all should be examined with no fear and pardoned. in the end, i hope this works, but i am not yet there...

 

[Oxajil]

This was just out of meditation during the release of emotion but it started with something so specific, funny, and loving that it must've come from my Grandma, then it was as if the gates were blown open and many different "voices" started coming in, I've never had that experience before.

It was my voice, in my mind but it wasn't very clear, a bit distorted, and many messages overlapping, when trying to focus on one it's as if it had two meanings, couldn't get the exact words. I remember "rejoice something" on loop and something about "We are the Galactic Federation", I'm aware that label is of a group but I hadn't read about them for a long time, at that point I questioned myself - is this channeling? or just my mind?. I did feel a great sense of connectedness and love during and personally, the experience built my faith to continue.

At some point, the communication started going a bit negative or maybe something I didn't agree with but not necessarily negative (can't quite remember) and I said "No" and then it all quieted down.

Ah, okay. It's hard to pinpoint what's what, but to be on the safe side it might be best to stay grounded as much as possible. Good thing that saying "no" was effective!