Shane said:
Thanks for the update, Momo.
One suggestion I have is to take things one step at a time. It's okay if some experiments come after others. It may take some time to figure out what works best, and it's a continual process. You've mentioned that you have had the habit of overextending yourself to resolve other people's problems; I'd also recommend being cautious to try and not overextend yourself in trying to resolve your own. I think getting feedback can often times provide an extra burst of energy that helps with the inertia of stepping out of old habits and getting things done, but it is possible that such energy can be rerouted into the same theme of programs just in slightly different form. I can't say that this is occurring for you or not, but thought I'd put it out there for your consideration.
Also, can I ask what you mean when you say you're fearful of connecting your inner world with the outside (in regards to EE)? If it's too personal, feel free to be vague :).
Hey, Shane, thanks.
I'm trying to go step by step. The stickyness of time has always made me impatient. Accepting that it's linear is really difficult for me. I really don't know whether that is a program or just me.
In this case I am yet to understand that "Learning is fun"...
But I am thankful for you putting it out here for my consideration - you are absolutely right. I have to take it step by step. And I have to be the one deciding the steps, I cannot delegate responsibility any more. (feeling shaky but good.)
My body feels like it is busy waking up from being void. It's now presenting all the pain and neglect I've shown towards this part of me (not even accepting "it" as part of me totally yet).
It was void from my attention to it, if that makes sense. And I would like to have more time experiencing this on a deep level, I'm forming habits to try that (having Rolfing sessions, for example). It's like integrating components of myself - I've detached my bodies feelings - or genuine own feelings generally - from the rest of me, it seems. What I'm writing here is actually beyond words, and I have to be careful not to make it a "brainy" issue by trying to describe this too much.
Regarding EE (The first impulse that got me to move was reading the wave for the first time a while ago - it sucked me in to an extent I cannot explain. And since it is not vague, but courageously open and personal, I want to try being open, too. Maybe I can ask you to move this thread to the swamp, though, once I have contributed enough? If not, it is ok with me, too.):
I have been trained/programmed, and also decided pseudo-consciously myself not to take myself seriously, especially my "inner worlds".
I have had the most wonderful, whole, dimensionless experiences as a child. I've been all and nothing, I've healed friends wounds with my hands as a child. Intuitively, without thinking. I travelled, just like the plasma-waves described somewhere here on the forum, in and outside our atmosphere (I really preferred inside, it felt safer).
I've talked to plants, animals and communicated with the undiscribeable. I've burnt alive without pain or hurt. And more "impossible" things.
All or some of it may be a childs imagination.
I looked for someone who would understand then, and there wasn't anyone. And since all of it was supposedly impossible, I didn't take myself seriously anymore. I relied on other people to tell me what is possible, and what cannot be. I also have a very controlling covert narcissistic family, plus have been abused by a close relative (I still think it only happened once, but more and more signs are showing I might be wrong).
The little me wants to wake up when I do EE, not when I do yoga, for I concentrate on my physicality doing yoga. That keeps me busy ;) .
But when I do EE, it all comes back, and I am worried about my "sanity", for what I was is insane, according to what I've been taught.
And on the other hand, I am worried to make use of my own skills,
and then again, I feel I was supposed to stop allowing this semi-detached living and should have taken responsibility earlier, for I am wasting my skills, and there must be a reason I have them.
But then again, I remember having to protect myself when I was little, I feel like I remember that once you have decided to use you skills (=be yourself fully), you will be attacked.
I am sorry if all of this sounds too confused, and it is actually just a little glimpse from one perspective - it is really impossible to give a full picture in written language for me. Though I really feel it is helping me to write this down for you. (As are all the books that you all have pointed me too! I'm not quite done with everything, but - as you stated: step-by-step ... :))
I will continue doing my best to open my eyes, will be really grateful for your feedback and thank you deeply.
Momo
