D Rusak
Jedi Council Member
I was going through a box of assorted materials yesterday and chanced upon a poem written when I was thirteen. I won't subject y'all to it in its entirety, but one passage has been echoing through my brain nonstop since then. The poem is entitled "Hell", and the passage is as follows:
"All this time
I want to change
But I don't."
I feel disillusionment with my career, my social standing, my relationship to my family, my spiritual progress. I feel as though I have been going in circles. Perhaps Gurdjieff would refer to me as a round idiot. I am so afraid that I have become one of those who has deluded themselves into thinking they have been successfully following "B influences" while all along I've been as mechanical as anyone, and not really Worked on the few actual B influences I have encountered. I've been reading and trying to study the C's material, SOTT, Gurdjieff, esoterica, etc. for almost three years now, and feel like I hardly understand anything, and haven't done anywhere near the Work that is to be expected. I see others who have joined the forum and it seems like everyone has made so much progress, and I have not. I am embarrassed by the lack of knowledge, and utter imagination/delusion, in many of my previous posts. I panic, I feel that my time to learn could be running out. Cometary showers bring planetary sours. I know that I can't do anything to help anyone unless I understand my machine, and that everyone learns in a different way at a different rate. However, often I feel stuck. If one could describe my mental state, it would often be [!!!], or if not, just disgust at the things/thoughts I'm capable of, or rather, lack of things I've done. I am an immature, irresponsible merde. The smallest incidents can set me reeling off course; I'm a total reaction machine.
I reread part of MWRM and noted the section where G decided to give up something very dear to him as a constant reminder to be aware and progress. I am trying to find such a thing for myself. Practicing his "last hour" exercise helps, but it is often not enough, as I slip back into forgetting myself so easily. I am trying to think what this could be in my case. I feel desperate, maybe this is the moral bankruptcy Mouravieff mentions, but then again, it could just be imagination once more (having thought I already reached moral bankruptcy).
All the fourth way sources say it is better for one to never have encountered the Way than to find it, follow it, and be diverted off-course. I fear this is happening or has happened to me. I want to take this road less traveled, but again, I really feel full of merde. (I apologize for the excessive use of this if it offends anyone; I recently read WPP's book about The Rope and G says this about everyone quite a lot).
So often I am afraid to post because I think I do not know enough, I'm afraid of my lack of knowledge being revealed and shot down (duh- that would be good, then I'd learn something. Self-importance, aie!) I tell myself that I don't want to create noise, but then I don't really learn.
I'm not entirely sure what the point of all this is, but perhaps it's a start of something.
"All this time
I want to change
But I don't."
I feel disillusionment with my career, my social standing, my relationship to my family, my spiritual progress. I feel as though I have been going in circles. Perhaps Gurdjieff would refer to me as a round idiot. I am so afraid that I have become one of those who has deluded themselves into thinking they have been successfully following "B influences" while all along I've been as mechanical as anyone, and not really Worked on the few actual B influences I have encountered. I've been reading and trying to study the C's material, SOTT, Gurdjieff, esoterica, etc. for almost three years now, and feel like I hardly understand anything, and haven't done anywhere near the Work that is to be expected. I see others who have joined the forum and it seems like everyone has made so much progress, and I have not. I am embarrassed by the lack of knowledge, and utter imagination/delusion, in many of my previous posts. I panic, I feel that my time to learn could be running out. Cometary showers bring planetary sours. I know that I can't do anything to help anyone unless I understand my machine, and that everyone learns in a different way at a different rate. However, often I feel stuck. If one could describe my mental state, it would often be [!!!], or if not, just disgust at the things/thoughts I'm capable of, or rather, lack of things I've done. I am an immature, irresponsible merde. The smallest incidents can set me reeling off course; I'm a total reaction machine.
I reread part of MWRM and noted the section where G decided to give up something very dear to him as a constant reminder to be aware and progress. I am trying to find such a thing for myself. Practicing his "last hour" exercise helps, but it is often not enough, as I slip back into forgetting myself so easily. I am trying to think what this could be in my case. I feel desperate, maybe this is the moral bankruptcy Mouravieff mentions, but then again, it could just be imagination once more (having thought I already reached moral bankruptcy).
All the fourth way sources say it is better for one to never have encountered the Way than to find it, follow it, and be diverted off-course. I fear this is happening or has happened to me. I want to take this road less traveled, but again, I really feel full of merde. (I apologize for the excessive use of this if it offends anyone; I recently read WPP's book about The Rope and G says this about everyone quite a lot).
So often I am afraid to post because I think I do not know enough, I'm afraid of my lack of knowledge being revealed and shot down (duh- that would be good, then I'd learn something. Self-importance, aie!) I tell myself that I don't want to create noise, but then I don't really learn.
I'm not entirely sure what the point of all this is, but perhaps it's a start of something.