Re: Serious situation + additions
Hello everyone, I thought because this issue is related that I could post this here, I have come to the forum to discuss this topic but I need to give some background information on my relationship with Keyhole and also myself so that all the facts ,as factual as our memories can be, are out in the open for everyone to see...
We have been together almost two years now, both bringing our own conditioning and baggage into the relationship, we met a dear friend who introduced us to this forum and that is where the reading and picking things apart began. While travelling in India, we were faced with part of our selves we had not seen before, and i can only speak for myself when i say i was horrified to learn that i wasn't an innocent do-gooder as i previously thought. I was capable of lying and emotional manipulation in order to preserve my relationship(my food) i think a large part of this could be due to the fact that when i was young rather than telling the truth and being true to myself, to please my family and protect myself i lied and gave them what I thought they wanted to hear, which seems to have stuck with me, even over the smallest things, I realise now that i may well be narcisisstically wounded but am yet to read Trapped in a mirror.
Anyway this carried forth into our relationship which obviously was aggravating for keyhole because he tries to be a honest as possible and to come across someone who is scared of honesty was understandably infuriating and hurtful. This snowballed after reading the first 4 wave books to boiling point where i had to make the decision to tell the truth or live in lies and illusions, in the end when there was no relationship left to lie for and gave up the illusion that i was in control of what he would do, i chose truth over wishful thinking, which in turn after taking the plunge bought us back together, but with different goals, to learn to be honest and grow together.
We spotted some conditioning that we both fell victim to, which is social media, it affected us both heavily to the point where we both had a serious lack of any self esteem, even to the extent of me wanting to be perceived as a sexual object because it gave me an ego boost!! shows how impressionable teenagers really are.
Fast forward to today, As you know what happened new years eve with Keyhole's brother, in the event which I brushed off as him being drunk i didn't feel as if i wanted to do anything atall. After the event and discussing his possibility of being a psychopath, yes no yes no, we again felt empathetic toward him, but something in me whether it be the narcissistically wounded attention loving child or the fact i may have a pre-disposition to psycho's(as my mother seems to) the week following his brother was acting completely nice, and as mentioned I seemed to be involuntarily reciprocating that, I did feel at times he would try and look in my eyes and at first felt a strange compulsion to see if he was looking at me and to almost get a boost out of the fact someone found me attractive.
I was confused as to what this feeling meant and the only way I expressed it to Keyhole was to say that I was panicking because my mum is with a man that resembles a psychopath and what if I loved them as well, and I was scared as to what he was capable of, which I guess translated to 'I'm scared I will do something' I did not elaborate (now I realise this was an STS attempt to control the situation) and if it was nothing, like Keyhole said then I would've told him about it, but there was something in me saying that I can deal with it there's no need to alert Keyhole when I don't even think this is a real feeling. But I realise that I was not telling the full truth and trying to control outcome out of fear of losing Keyhole(AGAIN)
Upon feeling this strange way towards his brother I avoided making eye contact with him and minimised contact to the essential few words, I found that this helped and I was not susceptible to his manipulations when I did this.
I also noted that I did not feel anything for his brother before the NYE event, as I don't believe he had tried anything on me up until that night.. One of his techniques which he has admitted to Keyhole was staring into girls eyes to lure them in.
Now with what I thought was dealt with as I have no desire whatsoever to have relations with his brother, Keyhole has had suspicions about my behaviour and apparently I am doing unconscious things to try and entice his brother, if I am doing them, I don't believe I am aware of them, as I feel I have made a concerted effort to protect myself. I would like to know if it is possible that the reason I began to feel in a certain way towards his brother, if we take as a theory that he is a psychopath, then I was susceptible to fall into his manipulations regardless of how much I didn't want to get with him? And the fact that I acted against that (and recognised that it wasn't me that felt that way) suggests that it was almost something he was emanating that made me feel this way? Which was blocked when I stopped contact with him.
Keyhole's issue is the fact that I did not say anything at first when I felt like this, which is completely fair, as to have been honest about how I was feeling we could've taken more measures to keep away. I see I should have and I guess have to accept that fact that even after everything we went through in India I can still keep things from him. But the truth isn't always pretty is it.
I have received advise from friend, that I am not to blame myself for feeling in this way as I was part of his brother's manipulation game and that 'Also important is there is NOTHING wrong with you except like us all, or most of us, due to this world nearly all of us suffer from self doubt and low personal self esteem so we naturally blame or doubt ourselves, thus helping the pathelogicals in the process'
I hope you can give me your take on the situation... Thorn x x
