Session 7 October 1997

[Deleted member 11729]

Dear Andromeda and Laura, thank you very much for sharing those information with us ...

It makes me glad if sharing this has helped you and anyone else. :) It was definitely traumatic for both me and my family at the time and is traumatic to review again, but in a different way now. As far as the C's saying I was sensitive, I didn't quite understand what that meant then. I thought they might be referring to my 'intuition', or emotions, or my sort of sixth sense, but I think I'm beginning to understand that it's a little more than that. I think it's all those things and also what many of us in this group have that is hard to describe, where you can sense, understand, and interact with other realities or be 'outside of time' (on occasion at least) without quite being able to say how or why yet. Perhaps some depressions are a result of this. It's hard to know and not know things at the same time! Harder still to not be able to communicate them clearly. Even for people like us who have this group and this family, there are some things that we haven't quite learned the reasons and the language for yet. I think the key is to keep this in mind and not get hung up on 'not being able' to consciously grasp or explain everything. That doesn't mean we should stop trying though, especially with each other. Sorry if that sounds confusing, I don't have it exactly right yet either. :/

thank you for this explanation that comes close to the confusion I had for long time, till I meet this community where finally it came to my understanding that there is a reality around us that is not possible to rationalize or explain by any given human language so far, but it is possible to share between us some how ... more I am understanding, less I am capable to "talk" or "write" about it ...

As far as the information helping me, it helped and is helping a lot more after the fact than when it was received. At the time this happened, I was a teenager (all kinds of chemicals and emotions going crazy), a stubborn and rebellious person by nature, and I was fresh from what may be called an 'original hurt' because of the divorce of my parents. Now, I was fully supportive and understanding of the reasons for the separation, but alongside that I was completely disillusioned about my version of what love, commitment and strength should be like. I was not able to fully understand it all at the same time and that just because there was a black swan, it didn't now mean that all swans were black. It created in me a fight between what I thought 'should be' and what I now thought 'was' for horrifying certainty, even though it wasn't! I spent years processing unacknowledged fear and disappointment. I made many mistakes (and I rarely do things halfway), then regretted them and wallowed in guilt for the big and small alike. But, what is life but a series of mistakes punctuated with learning? I'm pretty certain that much of what I went through was exacerbated by 4D STS infusions of confusion due to my own lack of awareness. I am equally or even more sure that I have been saved by the skin of my teeth on several occasions by benevolent forces.

... reading about alcohol incident when you was 16th yesterday, and while reading this, and having my middle son yesterday heading for his 16th birthday party with friends at his father apartment ... I just was kind of frozen ... I see the divorce left marks on all of us, but each of us is keeping it under the carpet, and I feel it is just bubbling ... and makes me feel insecure that I don't relay know how my sons feel about their father, who is not always there for them, who shewed them how he is not the one they can relay on ... and you know ... you newer know how subconscious will react on all this non spoken scarfs we all have hidden somewhere ...

Did the information and advice from the C's give me much peace over the years? Not exactly. In fact, the one thing that stuck with me from then until this day is that I could be a portal of attack and cause great pain to my family. On top of that, I realized along the way that if I wasn't careful of myself I could even do damage or cause hurt to many others who have been and continue to be helped by all of this Work. That's much more scary than peaceful!

Since I started to follow this forum, I start to get the same feeling for myself .... ... and reading more about others experiences and C's explanations, I am also aware that probably their father, and my kids as well as me, we all can be a portals of attack ... more that I am getting to know about all those things that are difficult to explain by words, more I am sure that we have to cut all connections with father ... thank you for this share of your experience ... helping me a lot to see our place ( me and my kids ) in this universe more clearly ...

Though for sure there is a kind of peace to be had from feeling the acknowledgment that there is that something beyond what we understand but that we can sense. Keeping all of this in mind while undergoing bouts of ignorance and near sighted suffering can actually keep you alive. Honestly though, now at the age of 34, I am just beginning to find actual acceptance and therefore actual peace of mind from facing 'what is', 'what was', and 'what can be'. My stubbornness is quite stubborn.

So well written .. thank you ... well if that can help you, I am coming to this place much older, at age of 44 ... ;) ...

For me personally, I would start to feel useless when I would think to myself things like "well, if all there is is lessons, but time doesn't exist, then we already know everything somewhere anyway, what's the point?" or "It's all just a load of suffering and pain on this planet for no good reason other than to learn lessons that don't matter in the very long run, who cares?" Which is kind of more of a chickening out than anything else. But the one thing that kept coming back and does seem to matter or be worth going on for without fail is, for me, as simple as this: keeping the people I love company. And also, I have the idea that along the way (or whatever) I might be able to help ease others suffering a little with whatever I make the effort to understand or discover. And how can anyone understand or discover anything and therefore help anyone else without some suffering themselves? Whether or not it matters in the long run, I think that's worth doing anyway. What else is there to do while we keep each other company?

O yea know that feeling so well ... so many times I am thinking if there is no for my kids and others who I see flourish through the connection with me, it will be so unbearable to live in this time and space ... and also learning from all of you here, what I am grasping and trying to feel, not just to understand, is that life on earth is a kind of information pool, where all this what is a lesson is actually important in some kind of general cosmic "development" on a bigger scale ... like all of us here, as a gesture of thankfulness to be able to experience this life, we have to do our Work in order to make the universe to be more refine, more beautiful, more thoughtful, more compassionate ... it is just that if each of us is thankfully living life on earth, with intention to contribute to a positive and creative and collaborative growth, it is not meter are we, and for how long we are "alive" or not on earth, but all our small actions of that kind, are for sure those that are contributing to a better bigger picture ... this understanding helped me to see why it is still okay to have children in this difficult time, and even though if they are laughing on my thoughts, my Work and all other, it is so good and rewarding to see how Work and learning how to be a better self, is actually leading me to be a guard and protector for them every day on a different, cosmic level, and to teach them to live full and creative life every single minute and to be able to support that ... it is excellent .. as through them we can see how when "maintain" with understanding, compassion and respect, that kind of "purification" of good and creative energies among people can bring happiness and joy of life even in this hard times.

Funny enough (because of the mention of wolves in this session), because I've had a cold over the last few days I decided to start reading Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. I had been meaning to read it for years, but there are so many books on my list. :D Anyway, it has proved very timely for me and concerns some of the leftovers of the issues that were brought up in this session. If you haven't read it already, I would highly recommend it for what you seem to be going through as well.

:)

Funny enough ... was helping a friend to establish a preservation and research zone and visitor center for wolves ... will get the book at my hands again ...

THANK YOU ONE MORE TIME! ... you gave many answers to many questions ...

 

[Mandrak]

This session is full of explanations about magic. It should be read many times, simultaneously with practical activities (exercises), part by part. Some of the topics I have already crossed, for example: exercise observation of signs. But it was never enough trained. For example, I discovered that the easiest way to begin to see the signs associated with an activity is at the beginning of these activities. For example, you leave home or you step into the street (with intend to do something). Have you first heard a laugh or quarrel or cry or rooster or barking dog ... Did you first see the young healthy girl or sulky sick old woman?
I have also studied the topic of symbolism, such as here the emotions portrayed as wolves. I would remind you that this is just one example of magical activity over symbolism. You can do many things using it. The purpose of the symbolism is to make the terms and intent clear and thus the magic effective. I use the term "magic" for manipulating subtle energies.
I think that people can notice synchronicity usually when they have a question, a dilemma in mind. Then they are open for responses through synchronicity. The answer may be in the movie, the song, part of a conversation with another person ... But not everyone can notice it, requires sensitivity. To see the coincidence that a blunt mind or reject or do not notice. So you can not with any talk about it. You can feel like you're talking to the cow or the wall.
For me, some synchronizations look like a joke, because I can not otherwise explain them. For example, when the same issue or key-word occurs at the same time in talking and in the TV. When is the precise timing, there is no doubt that is the synchronization, but why? So I need to develop this sensitivity more.

 

[sitting]

I use the term "magic" for manipulating subtle energies.

Hi Mandrak,

I think the universe is indeed magical. But our desired participation in it might perhaps better be described as awareness, openness & receptivity. The term magic can set off all sorts of alarm bells in people.

FWIW.

 

[sitting]

I use the term "magic" for manipulating subtle energies.

This is a highly relevant & difficult subject. And carries risks.

In various yogic (and tantric) traditions -- it's the prime focus of practice. But first there needs to be an adequate foundation. This refers to a stability of mind, an ability to focus (laser like) on specific points and objects. Like a surgeon going into a body ... knowing precisely when and where to cut, sew, fuse, or whatever. Without causing death to the patient.

One finds subtle energy movement in chigong practice as well. But here, the level of understanding & comprehension is far far below that of yogic knowledge. Especially in comparison with the higher forms of tantra.

Visualization is extensive. And this reminds me of the C's comment on visualization. Powerful but not easy to do. In tantra, it's usually in the form of deities & mandalas. A "connection" is then made with these deities -- in a fashion perhaps similar to the possible connection once suggested by C's. A connection with them they said (through thought.) I've often wondered whether this is the kind of connection that Laura (Anna & others) make at the board sessions. Or it could be entirely something else.

In any event, from your post, I get the impression you've been deeply interested in these matters. (I'm curious if you had done any tantric study and practice.) Regardless, I wish you success and safe journey in your exploration.

FWIW.

 

[Ysus]

But the one thing that kept coming back and does seem to matter or be worth going on for without fail is, for me, as simple as this: keeping the people I love company. And also, I have the idea that along the way (or whatever) I might be able to help ease others suffering a little with whatever I make the effort to understand or discover. And how can anyone understand or discover anything and therefore help anyone else without some suffering themselves? Whether or not it matters in the long run, I think that's worth doing anyway. What else is there to do while we keep each other company?

I do like that. I have always found it hard to find the motivation to live and the thought that I am not just staying for myself resonates strongly – though I have managed to alienate a lot of people in the course of my life. Still: I now understand a lot more of what went wrong – or so I think.

I also remember you saying something along the lines of: distribute your love more so that you find enough reason to live on if some of your loved ones have to leave.

What has also kept me interested and going is my trying to put a lot of my findings/experiences into form (creative expression) so that I may be able communicate (also on this forum) more meaningfully in the near future.

(NB: “Women Who Run With the Wolves” is indeed a good read)

 

[MusicMan]

I would like to express my thanks to Laura for the transcription of this and the other sessions, and also to Andromeda for her forthright response. It made me think about the situation of my own parent's divorce in 1954, and also my oldest son's divorce which resulted in the alienation of his then 16 year old son from my side of the family.
It's a tough life, and full of lessons for all of us, and reading about the experiences of others here on the Forum helps to clarify for us the situations happening in our own lives.

 

[jen1221]

It makes me glad if sharing this has helped you and anyone else. :) It was definitely traumatic for both me and my family at the time and is traumatic to review again, but in a different way now. As far as the C's saying I was sensitive, I didn't quite understand what that meant then. I thought they might be referring to my 'intuition', or emotions, or my sort of sixth sense, but I think I'm beginning to understand that it's a little more than that. I think it's all those things and also what many of us in this group have that is hard to describe, where you can sense, understand, and interact with other realities or be 'outside of time' (on occasion at least) without quite being able to say how or why yet. Perhaps some depressions are a result of this. It's hard to know and not know things at the same time! Harder still to not be able to communicate them clearly. Even for people like us who have this group and this family, there are some things that we haven't quite learned the reasons and the language for yet. I think the key is to keep this in mind and not get hung up on 'not being able' to consciously grasp or explain everything. That doesn't mean we should stop trying though, especially with each other. Sorry if that sounds confusing, I don't have it exactly right yet either. :/

You have been so helpful! Thank you very much for taking the time to respond back. It doesn't sound confusing at all. Last week I read an article on SOTT, I believe, talking about "there are things I know I don't know". My 20 year old self would have been confused by that, I think, but at 35, that makes perfect sense to me.

As far as the information helping me, it helped and is helping a lot more after the fact than when it was received. At the time this happened, I was a teenager (all kinds of chemicals and emotions going crazy), a stubborn and rebellious person by nature, and I was fresh from what may be called an 'original hurt' because of the divorce of my parents. Now, I was fully supportive and understanding of the reasons for the separation, but alongside that I was completely disillusioned about my version of what love, commitment and strength should be like. I was not able to fully understand it all at the same time and that just because there was a black swan, it didn't now mean that all swans were black. It created in me a fight between what I thought 'should be' and what I now thought 'was' for horrifying certainty, even though it wasn't! I spent years processing unacknowledged fear and disappointment. I made many mistakes (and I rarely do things halfway), then regretted them and wallowed in guilt for the big and small alike. But, what is life but a series of mistakes punctuated with learning? I'm pretty certain that much of what I went through was exacerbated by 4D STS infusions of confusion due to my own lack of awareness. I am equally or even more sure that I have been saved by the skin of my teeth on several occasions by benevolent forces.

This sounds a lot like my journey, especially wallowing in guilt for the mistakes I have made.

Did the information and advice from the C's give me much peace over the years? Not exactly. In fact, the one thing that stuck with me from then until this day is that I could be a portal of attack and cause great pain to my family. On top of that, I realized along the way that if I wasn't careful of myself I could even do damage or cause hurt to many others who have been and continue to be helped by all of this Work. That's much more scary than peaceful! Though for sure there is a kind of peace to be had from feeling the acknowledgment that there is that something beyond what we understand but that we can sense. Keeping all of this in mind while undergoing bouts of ignorance and near sighted suffering can actually keep you alive. Honestly though, now at the age of 34, I am just beginning to find actual acceptance and therefore actual peace of mind from facing 'what is', 'what was', and 'what can be'. My stubbornness is quite stubborn.

I never looked at it that way. That would be scary finding out that info at age 16, geesh. No pressure, right?.

For me personally, I would start to feel useless when I would think to myself things like "well, if all there is is lessons, but time doesn't exist, then we already know everything somewhere anyway, what's the point?" or "It's all just a load of suffering and pain on this planet for no good reason other than to learn lessons that don't matter in the very long run, who cares?" Which is kind of more of a chickening out than anything else. But the one thing that kept coming back and does seem to matter or be worth going on for without fail is, for me, as simple as this: keeping the people I love company. And also, I have the idea that along the way (or whatever) I might be able to help ease others suffering a little with whatever I make the effort to understand or discover. And how can anyone understand or discover anything and therefore help anyone else without some suffering themselves? Whether or not it matters in the long run, I think that's worth doing anyway. What else is there to do while we keep each other company?

This I understand completely. I have a husband and two children. They are what keep me going. If I fall apart, then everyone suffers. During this bout of depression I have made it a point to talk to all three of them about it. I wanted to make sure they know that it has nothing to do with them, that have done nothing wrong, and I will get through this. I will even tell them when I'm about to have a good cry. I usually take a hot shower or bath, cry it out, then return to normal life. Even though this has been the most difficult time for me, I am proud of myself because I feel like I have taken a negative experience and turned it around for the better. Knowing that my children are watching me and my every move makes me very aware of what I say and do. I hope if they ever have an experience like what I am going through, it will be easier for them because of how I am dealing with it.

Funny enough (because of the mention of wolves in this session), because I've had a cold over the last few days I decided to start reading Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. I had been meaning to read it for years, but there are so many books on my list. :D Anyway, it has proved very timely for me and concerns some of the leftovers of the issues that were brought up in this session. If you haven't read it already, I would highly recommend it for what you seem to be going through as well.

I will definitely read it. Thank you again for responding!

:)

 

[trendsetter37]

I would also like to express my gratitude for the sharing of this session as well. I know that it was/is probably really traumatic having to re-live what happened in the past but do know that it does helps.

Personally, it is really encouraging to see how you guys have made it through to the other side of events like that. Thank you for that.

Edit: clarity

 

[shellycheval]

What an awesome and inspiring session--thank you for sharing such personal and powerful information.

 

[PhoenixToEmber]

October 7, 1997
Laura, Frank, Anna

(Note: there are two Anna's mentioned in this session, one is Ark's ex-wife, the other is my daughter AKA Andromeda on the forum.)

Hi Laura,

Thank you for posting this. If I may ask, is it the first public appearance of this session?

It was in the pirated sessions and I MAY (or not) have quoted a bit of it in writing, but other than that, yeah, first public appearance of many of the sessions is here.

Thanks for sharing, Laura. I'm pretty sure you quote from this one in Wave 6, if I recall correctly.

 

[Voyageur]

Read this session the other day and reserved commenting then, as I was thinking on frightful and painful things that many, if not most, have endure in life at one time or another. Getting a call from a hospital of an serious accident or illness of a loved one, family member, friend and the most difficult, ones own child, carries with it such overwhelming emotional grief and immediate pain. The seriousness of what happened to your daughter, Anna, is as terrifying as it gets Laura. This bond between a parent and their child is hard to describe appropriately, yet it is one that carries with it so so much - it's everything in the moment, and every moment is a diamond in the sun.

{{hugs}} x 2

 

[3DStudent]

Thanks for posting this session. I've read it before and the replies were helpful and taught some insightful lessons. :)

 

[Ryan]

I don't know if it's possibly to adequately describe in words the love that is expressed between the participants of this session and by their willingness to include the whole world (and maybe beyond) in the benefits of their experiences. @Laura, @Andromeda, thank you.