Sexual Harassment? At work coworkers acting oddly.

[Cyre2067]

A little background: I work in a laboratory where we do Cancer
Research. I have two bosses, Suzanne is the head of the lab, and Dr
Sid Vicious is the Primary Investigator. He does most of the directing
of the research, writing of papers and grants, she does the execution
in the lab. I have three techs that work with/around me, typically we
all do independent tasks, rarely do we collaborate on a combined
project. We're all the same age, 23-27.

Today, we had some college students come in, they're gonna be spending
the summer working/learning. Voldemort, one of the guys i work with, had two
of these kids assigned to space in his lab. Voldie's typically
anti-social, and sometimes flat out rude. I don't know the kid, but my
guess is that he had a rough upbringing. Lately he seemed to get more
rude/short in his communications with coworkers. Suzanne also
commented that he seemed abnormally 'moody' lately. He's been
generating a lot of drama.

Link, one of the college kids in particular seems to pacify/bring out
giddyness in Voldie. I didn't notice it myself until Suzanne and another
coworker, Lois, brought it up. They immediately jumped on the 'maybe
voldie's in the closet and likes Link' bus. I was disturbed by how
quickly they made that assessment and started gossiping about it. They
then aimed this train of thought at me and i immediately got defensive.

I never came 'out' at work, mostly because it's not the first thing i
tell people when i meet them, and it didn't 'feel' right at the time.
Later, observations indicated this was the right choice, lets just say
suzanne, my boss, didn't quite 'understand' homosexuality. So i kept
it to myself.

Back to this afternoon, I responded that it may be a possibility, but
not a conclusion i would immediately jump to. I also pointed out their
interest in this phenomenon as slightly odd, as if it were a new toy
that just got and couldn't put it down - using those words.

They continued discussing it, developing what i could call 'momentum'
in their assumption that 1.) Voldie was gay and 2.) 'Likes' Link. They
passed this idea back and forth and occasionally onto me.

They then came to the conclusion that I should go flirt with Link,
'eventhough you're straight' just to see Voldie's response - which i
vehemently opposed. I tried to laugh it off as 'ridiculous', which
worked, osit. I told them that it was completely unnecessary and that
they could gain the insights their after by simple observation over
the next few days, just by observing Voldie's behavior around Link. I
didn't want to play any games, and that sort of behavior 'just isn't me.'

In retrospect I was running a 'be nice' program. Their talking about
sexual harassment, privacy violations, and psychological head games
and I'm laughing it off? I didn't see it in those terms... thanks to
my subconscious, but now I feel foolish.

My boss then opines - "I'll know what I'll do, I'll get Sid to
assign you and him and project to work on together. He'll play the
game." And we all have a good laugh, like it's a joke. Mostly happened
toward the end of the day and this last bit not five minutes before i
left.

This situation is odd and somewhat disturbing and was wondering y'all
might see that I'm missing cuz i know i got all sorts of programs running.

Btw I changed the names.

 

[anart]

You changed the names? Nooooo - and here I was thinking that you work with some really interesting people. ;)

Well, first of all, it is incredibly unprofessional for these people to be acting this way - why is it their business? It says a LOT about them that they are so engrossed in such judgemental and thoughtless speculation. With that said, if your boss is joining in - beware. If I were in your shoes, I would make it clear that I wasn't interested in such speculation - not in a rude way - just in a 'not talk about it' way. Don't join in, find something else to do when it comes up.

If your boss had not joined in, then I would recommend saying something like, "so what if he is? Are you guys so bored that this actually interests you?" But, with your boss involved, it might be wise to just stay quiet and make it very clear by not commenting, not joining in and moving away when they start in on it. Give it zero energy.

By the way, if Voldie were to become aware of what is going on, he could certainly sue the boss for a hostile work environment up to and including sexual descrimination - let's hope it passes and he never finds out, because he sounds like the kind of person who would be really hurt by such a thing - and no matter how grumpy he is, no one deserves that, at least that's how I see it.

 

[Z...]

What you described is even worse than direct sexual harrassment , it is intrusive, it is manipulative
and so far you have been the part of it , alas thats the problem with being nice programs- we can get sucked into anything,

But were you totally unaware and innocent?!
Are you sure you didnt enjoy this plot at least on some level, and you never felt any attraction toward the grumpy dude?!
I might be wrong but I am acting on the feeling I got after reading your story.

Usually its the energy that we give out that attracts such surreal situations our way.
Experience has thought me that whenever someone's sexuality is on the menu, at least one involved person is interested. And these things tend to surface in the wierdest way possible - meaning person that brings them up can just be channeling i.e. responding on the initial vibe sent out by someone who apears to be totally innocent. I am not saying this necesarily has to be you but since we know your orientation you are the prime suspect, so its extremely important that you examine yourself and rule yourself out as a culprit.


But Anart already said it, zero energy should be your mantra whenever this issue comes up

In any case thats my point of view, hope it helps

 

[anart]

What you described is even worse than direct sexual harrassment , it is intrusive, it is manipulative
and so far you have been the part of it , alas thats the problem with being nice programs- we can get sucked into anything,

But were you totally unaware and innocent?!
Are you sure you didnt enjoy this plot at least on some level, and you never felt any attraction toward the grumpy dude?!
I might be wrong but I am acting on the feeling I got after reading your story.

Usually its the energy that we give out that attracts such surreal situations our way.
Experience has thought me that whenever someone's sexuality is on the menu, at least one involved person is interested. And these things tend to surface in the wierdest way possible - meaning person that brings them up can just be channeling i.e. responding on the initial vibe sent out by someone who apears to be totally innocent. I am not saying this necesarily has to be you but since we know your orientation you are the prime suspect, so its extremely important that you examine yourself and rule yourself out as a culprit.

Deckard, I must admit to being a bit confused by your take on this. You are implying that Cyre is responsible for his coworkers', and his boss', behavior? Or, are you just implying that he 'enjoyed' the intrigue?

I see no evidence in what has been described to indicate that Cyre had anything to do with this situation, other than letting his 'be nice program' dictate his silence when, had it not been in operation, he might have voiced how immature, hurtful and ludicrous the discussion was. What is really going on with this response of yours?

 

[Azur]

Well, first of all, it is incredibly unprofessional for these people to be acting this way - why is it their business? It says a LOT about them that they are so engrossed in such judgemental and thoughtless speculation. With that said, if your boss is joining in - beware. If I were in your shoes, I would make it clear that I wasn't interested in such speculation - not in a rude way - just in a 'not talk about it' way. Don't join in, find something else to do when it comes up.

If your boss had not joined in, then I would recommend saying something like, "so what if he is? Are you guys so bored that this actually interests you?" But, with your boss involved, it might be wise to just stay quiet and make it very clear by not commenting, not joining in and moving away when they start in on it. Give it zero energy.

By the way, if Voldie were to become aware of what is going on, he could certainly sue the boss for a hostile work environment up to and including sexual descrimination - let's hope it passes and he never finds out, because he sounds like the kind of person who would be really hurt by such a thing - and no matter how grumpy he is, no one deserves that, at least that's how I see it.

I would agree that what Anart suggests here is the most appropriate way to handle it.

Cyre, when I first read what you wrote above a thought came to me and then you later on asked if you were running a program. Here's the thought and it might lead to a program you haven't offered as a possibility as running in your post:

The initial drama and your inclusion to comments made by Suzanne and Lois look to me like they (Suzanne and Lois) are using a secondary situation to really gauge YOU. You said you haven't come out at work. Maybe they suspect already, and are using this to see how you will react.

The program that might be running in you here is that "they don't know", and hence your take that their behaviour was strange about using you as an actor to go see if "Link" is straight.


Would anything change for you, if they did know? If so, you really need to examine why. This particular situation can have some real nut-and-bolts repercussions, as we have seen over and over again. (I hope this isn't the case for you, if it is then the program(s) that might be running are different: survival (i.e. losing job) versus "keeping a mask on" to avoid perceived or real, social outcasting).

Some thoughts, for consideration. I fully submit that I have not walked a single minute in your shoes, and offer only what I have seen in this small blurb you wrote. I may be WAY off, but only you will know.

[edit: having re-read again your message, it's obvious you know THEY know, there are six points in your own message that bring it up. What you might find offensive (and I find it VERY offensive), is that a situation has been exploited to "force you out". Like you are supposed to say: "Ok, OK, I admit it!". It'd be hard for me not to flip them the bird at this point, and the only way I wouldn't is to play their game better. This will take some control, and a knowing that any fears you had have come to pass, but composure here will go a long way, intra- and post fear. I'm not much into playing games, but it is necessary sometimes. The game here is for you to make sure that they understand that you cannot be "ruled" or exploited by a particular fear. How you get to that point might not be without internal twists and turns, but will ultimately be to your benefit.]

 

[Nienna]

Cyre,

I have to admit that I find the "antics" of Suzanne and Lois to be appalling. And very childish. And after reading Azur's comment and then rereading the last couple of paragraphs, it does seem like there could actually be something else going on. Is it possible that they might actually be trying to size you up?

As anart says, just ignore them and make it clear that you are not interested in "playing their game" one way or another. You don't have to be abrupt, but you need to make sure that they will have to play without you.

It takes small minds to come up with amusements like this. It's ashame.

 

[Azur]

It takes small minds to come up with amusements like this. It's ashame.

Yes, it is does take small minds to come up with this. But this particular "small mind", relative to Cyre, is his boss who's running a cancer research center, and hence is not without intelligence. That perceived "contrast" would seem stark (within the same person), but is a false expectation, and is a matter of further understanding of how this can be.

It is also a setting in Cyre's World circumstances, the "Arena", wherein his Work takes place.

 

[Z...]

Deckard, I must admit to being a bit confused by your take on this. You are implying that Cyre is responsible for his coworkers', and his boss', behavior?

No, but he is responsible for his behaivour.
This said without any judgement and rather with compassion as we all easily get sucked in the similar patern of behaviour in one situation or another.

Or, are you just implying that he 'enjoyed' the intrigue?

He is participant .
'Enjoyed' is too strong word and maybe fed on it is more appropriate.
Whenever we are involved in such situations IMO the first thing to do in resolving them is to examine whats happening within us. As I said my experience is that be it situations or behaviour of others we attract in our life its always the mirror of what we give away - very often subconciously, or even consciously but its almost the same as we are so good in ignoring certain aspects of ourselves.
This is always a possibility and it usualy helps to start from there if you want to define clearly how to act further in a proper way.

 

[Keit]

Whenever we are involved in such situations IMO the first thing to do in resolving them is to examine whats happening within us. As I said my experience is that be it situations or behaviour of others we attract in our life its always the mirror of what we give away

Let see if I understand you correctly. So you are saying that if something is happening to us or around us, we should look at ourselves as a possible reason because we somehow "attracted" such events?
I agree and disagree. I agree that our "attitude"/our inner programs may determine the possible outcome of the event, and we should observe ourselves in order to see when and how those programs are triggered so we could avoid falling into provocation. But I disagree that our mere presence may be a trigger for this or that event (And I mean that if we specifically would be present. What about other participants? Do they have a "right" to "attract"? And if so, who has higher priority or "responsibility" as you call it in attracting something?). You may take abused child or a grown-up victim of psychopaths as an example and say that they attracted abuse on themselves because of what they are, and they are responsible for their actions.

Of course there are aspects of karma, life lessons, general law, frequency, any of the "bigger picture" stuff, etc...
But I think it pointless or premature to bring those issues into the light when you have specific situation, possibly a provocation that wasn't triggered by Cyre in any apparent way, and he is looking for a practical advice how to deal with the problem.

p.s I agree with Anart advice. Better to show them that you are not interested to take part in their games (in a "it's boring" way), and disconnect yourself as much as possible from this issue. Look busy and neutral.

 

[Argo]

The initial drama and your inclusion to comments made by Suzanne and Lois look to me like they (Suzanne and Lois) are using a secondary situation to really gauge YOU. You said you haven't come out at work. Maybe they suspect already, and are using this to see how you will react.

I think this is good point. If they are so much interested about Voldie's sexuality, the question is what they are talking about you when you are not present?!

It seems to me that this is quite possible scenario. And I also agree with anart advice, it is best to be neutral and do not involve.

 

[Z...]

I agree and disagree. I agree that our "attitude"/our inner programs may determine the possible outcome of the event, and we should observe ourselves in order to see when and how those programs are triggered so we could avoid falling into provocation. But I disagree that our mere presence may be a trigger for this or that event (And I mean that if we specifically would be present. What about other participants? Do they have a "right" to "attract"? And if so, who has higher priority or "responsibility" as you call it in attracting something?). You may take abused child or a grown-up victim of psychopaths as an example and say that they attracted abuse on themselves because of what they are, and they are responsible for their actions.

Good points Keit, there is alot of contradictions and it is very dificult to clearly define laws that govern these processes.
But its my basic understanding of human psychology that most of the people (as most of the people are just machines and nothing more) usually act out the roles that we assign them, even if this distribution of the roles is not conscious. Mirror effect.
Also it is my observation that when you spend lenghts of time in limited space with group of certain people then your mere presence can be a trigger for certain types of behaviour.

But I think when you are trying to speak in general terms and avoid personal accounts then you end up being confusing and unclear. So here it goes...

I was actually seeing Cyre's story from the point of quite a similar experience I went through twice in my past. Each time I played different roles.

In the first case I was in Voldie's shoes and in the end it turned out that the person which appeared to be innocent, shocked , righteous etc. all along had strong feelings for me, which this person eventually made obvious to me. Without this piece of puzzle this person appeared as completely innocent bystander , but when I rewinded everything back and analized all the fragments and situations it became obvious that it was this person who was actually a trigger or a latent precipitator for the whole drama. This actually became completely clear to me only after the second experience.

I am not saying this is necesarily the same in Cyre's case but it is a possibility that has to be brought to light in case he is unaware of it.

The second experience made it obvious how easy it is to be unaware and consenquently act as a trigger for undesirable events.

This time it was me who felt the attraction for a coworker. I never voiced it, I never even acknowledged it to myself consciously. But it was there. Very strong force lurking in the back of my mind, manifesting itself in the fantasies I would forget all about almost as soon as they would occur. I was in total denial. And I also noticed that this force was manifesting itself in all kind of questions about this person that were flashing through my mind. Then to my suprise one fine morning
just like that, out of the blue two other colleauges started voicing all these questions, construing the answers and generating malicious gossip and jokes.
I was shocked, angry etc. but it didnt take long until it became obvious to me that I was really and truly revelling in all that, feeding on every word or theory that was said about the object of my phantasy. As soon as I became aware of this everything stopped as abruptly as it began.
And that gave me a lot to think about.

 

[Cyre2067]

I think i see what deckard is saying.

But were you totally unaware and innocent?!
Are you sure you didnt enjoy this plot at least on some level, and you never felt any attraction toward the grumpy dude?!
I might be wrong but I am acting on the feeling I got after reading your story.

At first, I was. They came in and brought it up as if it were gossip, or a funny story. Apparently before talking to me about it they'd been discussing it amongst themselves all day. However, you are correct in that when they involved me i was running a 'be nice' program and joined in their discussion. I should have dropped something short like, "If you're that interested, maybe you should just ask Voldie." But as i mentioned above, i didn't do that, i told them i thought they shouldn't jump to any conclusions and could figure it out by observation. So while i could have defused the situation earlier on i likely allowed it to grow.

The initial drama and your inclusion to comments made by Suzanne and Lois look to me like they (Suzanne and Lois) are using a secondary situation to really gauge YOU. You said you haven't come out at work. Maybe they suspect already, and are using this to see how you will react.

The program that might be running in you here is that "they don't know", and hence your take that their behaviour was strange about using you as an actor to go see if "Link" is straight.

It's a possibility, however it's doubtful, osit. I'm relatively, 'straight-acting' in fact, a lot of my friends like to drop the line, "This is Brent.... he's gay." When they introduce me to someone new because of the 'shock value'. The look on this kid's face the other night at a party was priceless, his jaw dropped. I really wish they didn't do that, but i can sorta understand why they do. Now that i'm thinking about Be nice programs it seems they run here as well. Maybe I'll try a "I feel... I want..." on them next time this pops up.

And def anart's reply is the way to go. Give it Zero Energy.

This morning I come in and Suzanne tells me that the other college kid was getting ignored by voldie while he had link run the very thing that I was supposed to show both of them. The OCK wrote my bosses boss, Sid, and email kinda complaining he was getting ignored while Voldie showed Link this methodology. Of course Sid told Suzanne who then proceeds to tell me b/c it supports their original supposition.

To me it seems as if Voldie's behaving as if he's trying to out himself, i mean, now it's starting to get obvious. This whole bit is just plain weird.

 

[anart]

It's a possibility, however it's doubtful, osit. I'm relatively, 'straight-acting' in fact, a lot of my friends like to drop the line, "This is Brent.... he's gay." When they introduce me to someone new because of the 'shock value'. The look on this kid's face the other night at a party was priceless, his jaw dropped. I really wish they didn't do that, but i can sorta understand why they do. Now that i'm thinking about Be nice programs it seems they run here as well. Maybe I'll try a "I feel... I want..." on them next time this pops up.

It sounds like you don't really 'wish they didn't do that' - it sounds like you get a charge out of it, actually - like it boosts your ego to be so 'straight looking' yet gay. If your friends do it all the time, they must think you get something out of it - or at the very least don't mind - which sounds like ego to me.

To me it seems as if Voldie's behaving as if he's trying to out himself, i mean, now it's starting to get obvious. This whole bit is just plain weird.

Isn't the more obvious point that he is not doing his job well? Why does his 'outing himself' matter so much - clearly his 'reputation' is shot at this lab anyway if the coworkers and boss treat him with such obvious disrespect.

Apologies, Cyre, but it still sounds like you're still at least peripherally involved in this situation - it interests you - you are listening to these women and involved in the conversation. When I suggested zero energy -that meant zero energy - no thinking about it, no wondering, no thinking it's weird, no thinking he's trying to out himself and certainly no discussion of it with these people who are feeding on it.

This could turn out to be a rather dangerous situation and it seems you are not practicing vigilance. With a greater level of awareness, you are the person responsible for behaving not only correctly, but intelligently in this situation - vigilance.

 

[Al Today]

‘Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.’
Eight hours a day, five days a week, and possibly more is a lot of time to spend with the same people. The same people, day in, day out… Office jokes can be a trap that perhaps many, many of us can be guilty of. I admit that every now and again, my guard is down and I have become involved in this type of inappropriate behavior. Usually, with regret, I’d wish I hadn’t, but, TOO LATE, the damage has been done. For reasons too numerous to state here, I must say it is soooo hard not to join in and be one of the ‘in’ crowd, yes? Without thought, sometimes I too forget to monitor running programs, and let out negative energy. My point? I don’t think I have one. Constantly remaining focused is hard. No matter what is said, we are HERE in 3D STS… Seems that being of a mature mindset takes practice, practice, and even more practice. And yes, I think being thick skinned is difficult. Many want to be liked by others, many fear standing up for what is 'correct', many do not want confrontation, and most do not like pain. You do what you think is ‘right’ and remember, life on this BBM is temporary and all will pass… Sometimes my old religion did have some useful teachings and I feel a need to state one now…
‘You are not going to be here very long. You will only be here approximately eighty years. Compared to the eternity on either side of mortality, that is a snap of the fingers. You can do it! You can stand to have your foot in a vise for a while if you know it is going to be released. It is when you don't think you are ever going to get rid of it that it becomes unbearable.’

[edit] 'I' am still using alot of the 'I' word.... How else can one speak from experience? Tell a story, a fable perhaps?

 

[Beau]

I'm relatively, 'straight-acting' in fact, a lot of my friends like to drop the line, "This is Brent.... he's gay." When they introduce me to someone new because of the 'shock value'. The look on this kid's face the other night at a party was priceless, his jaw dropped. I really wish they didn't do that, but i can sorta understand why they do.

Personally, I would be offended if this is how my friends introduced me. What does sexual orientation have to do with anything? Also, if I was the person who was being introduced to you, I would also be offended. I don't see why someone being gay is "shock value", maybe to people who are narrow-minded and put a box around what a person of a certain orientation should look/be like it is shocking. Who cares what people like that think anyway?

But it is not something to be defined by, and believe me, if that if the first thing that someone says when they introduce you, it IS like being defined by it. And no one should be defined by their sexuality. It's cosmetic, it does not make or break a person. You should be yourself, first and foremost, whether that is 'straight-acting' (a curious choice of words), or 'gay-acting'.