casper
The Living Force
This article is a famous psychologist, I want to share with you on the forum, I think each of us can, unfortunately, at least at some point of life, find in it.
There are several ways in which people distort the feelings of shame. A person who suppresses shame often not aware that they defend in embarrassment. Such a person probably does not notice that there is a problem with shame. Defence against shame may help a person to cope with a sense of grievance and pain, but in the long term it does not help the healing of and overcoming shame. No one can overcome the embarrassment by making him ignore. Defence against shame the only strategy for overcoming shame. People who are prone to excessive shame and use these strategies preventing yourself to learn that reality has those people who are worthy of love and respect. Now let's talk about some typical strategies that people use to overcome excessive shame.
The easiest way to defend against denial of shame. Those who deny their shame, are not aware that their feelings. These people delude themselves believing they are not ashamed and actually felt strong to shame when he became aware of what was happening inside them. They wrongly, they want to believe that they are fully acceptable to themselves and others and so blinding yourself. People who are too ashamed often live in the world outside, superficiality. They will do anything to protect his image of himself as a good person, even if it means ignoring reality. For example, many alcoholics deny they have a problem with alcohol. They can experience a huge shame if they admit that they can not control the use of alcohol. They believe that there is something wrong with people who are helpless in front of a drink. They can not understand that one can be both an alcoholic and a good person. They think: Alcoholics are worthless people. I'm not like that. I'd hate myself if he was drunk. I should not be an alcoholic. Their fear of overwhelming shame is so strong that they are blind to the evidence of their addiction to alcohol. These people are unable to face their shame and so persuade themselves that they have a problem. Denial of shame is not specific to alcoholics. Among others, shame regards the core of a person's identity. Everything that a person can be ashamed of, it is possible to deny. We defend ourselves from what we do not want to see. Denial has its price. In the process of recovery and solving this problem is crucial, it is important to face the reality no matter how painful. But you can only then you learn to overcome (spend) my shame. Removal of shame is the way out of hiding.
Another strategy of defense against shame is withdrawal. People retreat when faced with shame, because then contacts with other people too painful and unpleasant for submission. Escape is a normal reaction to situations in which a person feels exposed and vulnerable. Withdrawal is a common reaction to shame. The initial physical reaction to shame the breaking eye contact and watching in under or on the side. A person who feels ashamed says my interlocutor: Now I feel really bad about yourself and why you can not look into his eyes. I can not stay close to you because this will increase my sense of shame. A person who feels intense shame, he feels naked before the world and do not want others to stare at her. The person believes, at least temporarily, everyone can see her soul and see that it is inadequate or bad person. People who are intensely abased retreat in other ways. Often they avoid unpleasant topics in discussion with others or in communication with others remain emotionally inaccessible. Some people are trained the practice of poor visibility. They are always there (among others) but are invisible. Example are very talented people behind the scenes who fear exposure and thus they contribute to their achievements someone else's success. People who are excessively shy can become trapped in the withdrawal of other people. They may do everything that others keep their distance even though they had already been abased. Direct, important and intimate contacts with others are very threatening to people who do not feel good about yourself. "I do not feel good about yourself" is the rule of shame. Holding the other at arm's protection from humiliation, condemnation or rejection.
Another of the typical defense of shame is perfectionism. A perfectionist constantly fears that he would make a mistake, because he thinks mistakes prove that something fundamentally wrong with him / her as a person. If something fails, perfectionist irrational believes is a total loser. A perfectionist who is defending himself from shame is able to grasp the only two states of existence: perfect (perfect) or shameful (all or nothing). These people are desperate struggle against it to be fallible people, because they equate humanity and fallibility with defeat. But we are all just people - people with their limitations in strength, intelligence, creativity and wisdom. It is not shameful to be imperfect, when none of us can be perfect.
A perfectionist is not specifically arrogant. He is not playing God when he wants to be infallible. He's just trying to keep my shame. He feels enormous pressure until something is done to demonstrate the world and themselves as adequate as a person. He is constantly aware of the opportunities that came his embarrassment, he is convinced that the other keeps watch on his behavior, seeking his mistakes, and when they see their flaws, will conclude that it is worthless. As you can see, perfectionism is a situation where you can not win. As much as he is competent, as long as something works well, as far as successful, perfectionist never feels moved away even one step further than its shame. He may postpone the feeling of humiliation for a while, so you will, for example, work hard as anyone else, but he can not feel good because I do not know how to accept myself as well but imperfect human being. Usually people are ashamed they feel less worthy than other people. But what if a person is ashamed to convince yourself otherwise - that is above the other? Then this person will become arrogant.
Can you think of a person who uses perfectionism as a defense against shame? Is it perhaps your defense? How did you learn?
What happens when you are deeply ashamed person can not withdraw from the threatening situation? It can occur anger, another of defense against shame. Angry people shouting and threatening: Do not come near me. You approached too close to my shame and I will not allow anyone to see that part of me. Get out or I'll attack. Angry person she desperately tries to another held at a distance as not to destroy.
People tend to get worse when they are surprised by the unexpected attack on their identity. For example, a friend may say rude to his friend that his clothes cheap and inadequate to go out with a certain girl. He could joke, not intending to hurt his friend. But his friend was injured. "What do you mean, I can not go out with that girl?" I probably look a lot better than you .. This embarrassed person can only think about how to defend against attacks on her personality.
Anger burns. Anger makes people and so protects a person from dealing with their own shame. Sometimes it is quite successful defense. People start to avoid the angry people who are too sensitive to be insulting. "I would like to be John's friend," someone may say, "but whenever you get close to him he finds something that irritates it, and then attacking me for no reason."
Strategy angry person is to defend against overwhelming shame that undermines their self-esteem. These people are likely to feel more defekt when others who are afraid of their anger, they start to distance themselves from them. Anger breaks contacts between people and thus increasing embarrassment at shame person. Chronically angry people become prisoners seclusion of their own making. Anyone can react with anger at times, especially when he unexpectedly disgraced. But people who are intensely ashamed may react with anger more often than other people. Their anger covers actually deep shame. Their attacks on other shift attention to their feelings of inadequacy.
And finally, if you suffer from excessive shame and use one of the described or some other strategy to overcome the shame, remember, the only way to get rid of their shame is to accept and do not run away from it. It is easy to say but to achieve in practice is not easy.
Vladimir Misic
There are several ways in which people distort the feelings of shame. A person who suppresses shame often not aware that they defend in embarrassment. Such a person probably does not notice that there is a problem with shame. Defence against shame may help a person to cope with a sense of grievance and pain, but in the long term it does not help the healing of and overcoming shame. No one can overcome the embarrassment by making him ignore. Defence against shame the only strategy for overcoming shame. People who are prone to excessive shame and use these strategies preventing yourself to learn that reality has those people who are worthy of love and respect. Now let's talk about some typical strategies that people use to overcome excessive shame.
The easiest way to defend against denial of shame. Those who deny their shame, are not aware that their feelings. These people delude themselves believing they are not ashamed and actually felt strong to shame when he became aware of what was happening inside them. They wrongly, they want to believe that they are fully acceptable to themselves and others and so blinding yourself. People who are too ashamed often live in the world outside, superficiality. They will do anything to protect his image of himself as a good person, even if it means ignoring reality. For example, many alcoholics deny they have a problem with alcohol. They can experience a huge shame if they admit that they can not control the use of alcohol. They believe that there is something wrong with people who are helpless in front of a drink. They can not understand that one can be both an alcoholic and a good person. They think: Alcoholics are worthless people. I'm not like that. I'd hate myself if he was drunk. I should not be an alcoholic. Their fear of overwhelming shame is so strong that they are blind to the evidence of their addiction to alcohol. These people are unable to face their shame and so persuade themselves that they have a problem. Denial of shame is not specific to alcoholics. Among others, shame regards the core of a person's identity. Everything that a person can be ashamed of, it is possible to deny. We defend ourselves from what we do not want to see. Denial has its price. In the process of recovery and solving this problem is crucial, it is important to face the reality no matter how painful. But you can only then you learn to overcome (spend) my shame. Removal of shame is the way out of hiding.
Another strategy of defense against shame is withdrawal. People retreat when faced with shame, because then contacts with other people too painful and unpleasant for submission. Escape is a normal reaction to situations in which a person feels exposed and vulnerable. Withdrawal is a common reaction to shame. The initial physical reaction to shame the breaking eye contact and watching in under or on the side. A person who feels ashamed says my interlocutor: Now I feel really bad about yourself and why you can not look into his eyes. I can not stay close to you because this will increase my sense of shame. A person who feels intense shame, he feels naked before the world and do not want others to stare at her. The person believes, at least temporarily, everyone can see her soul and see that it is inadequate or bad person. People who are intensely abased retreat in other ways. Often they avoid unpleasant topics in discussion with others or in communication with others remain emotionally inaccessible. Some people are trained the practice of poor visibility. They are always there (among others) but are invisible. Example are very talented people behind the scenes who fear exposure and thus they contribute to their achievements someone else's success. People who are excessively shy can become trapped in the withdrawal of other people. They may do everything that others keep their distance even though they had already been abased. Direct, important and intimate contacts with others are very threatening to people who do not feel good about yourself. "I do not feel good about yourself" is the rule of shame. Holding the other at arm's protection from humiliation, condemnation or rejection.
Another of the typical defense of shame is perfectionism. A perfectionist constantly fears that he would make a mistake, because he thinks mistakes prove that something fundamentally wrong with him / her as a person. If something fails, perfectionist irrational believes is a total loser. A perfectionist who is defending himself from shame is able to grasp the only two states of existence: perfect (perfect) or shameful (all or nothing). These people are desperate struggle against it to be fallible people, because they equate humanity and fallibility with defeat. But we are all just people - people with their limitations in strength, intelligence, creativity and wisdom. It is not shameful to be imperfect, when none of us can be perfect.
A perfectionist is not specifically arrogant. He is not playing God when he wants to be infallible. He's just trying to keep my shame. He feels enormous pressure until something is done to demonstrate the world and themselves as adequate as a person. He is constantly aware of the opportunities that came his embarrassment, he is convinced that the other keeps watch on his behavior, seeking his mistakes, and when they see their flaws, will conclude that it is worthless. As you can see, perfectionism is a situation where you can not win. As much as he is competent, as long as something works well, as far as successful, perfectionist never feels moved away even one step further than its shame. He may postpone the feeling of humiliation for a while, so you will, for example, work hard as anyone else, but he can not feel good because I do not know how to accept myself as well but imperfect human being. Usually people are ashamed they feel less worthy than other people. But what if a person is ashamed to convince yourself otherwise - that is above the other? Then this person will become arrogant.
Can you think of a person who uses perfectionism as a defense against shame? Is it perhaps your defense? How did you learn?
What happens when you are deeply ashamed person can not withdraw from the threatening situation? It can occur anger, another of defense against shame. Angry people shouting and threatening: Do not come near me. You approached too close to my shame and I will not allow anyone to see that part of me. Get out or I'll attack. Angry person she desperately tries to another held at a distance as not to destroy.
People tend to get worse when they are surprised by the unexpected attack on their identity. For example, a friend may say rude to his friend that his clothes cheap and inadequate to go out with a certain girl. He could joke, not intending to hurt his friend. But his friend was injured. "What do you mean, I can not go out with that girl?" I probably look a lot better than you .. This embarrassed person can only think about how to defend against attacks on her personality.
Anger burns. Anger makes people and so protects a person from dealing with their own shame. Sometimes it is quite successful defense. People start to avoid the angry people who are too sensitive to be insulting. "I would like to be John's friend," someone may say, "but whenever you get close to him he finds something that irritates it, and then attacking me for no reason."
Strategy angry person is to defend against overwhelming shame that undermines their self-esteem. These people are likely to feel more defekt when others who are afraid of their anger, they start to distance themselves from them. Anger breaks contacts between people and thus increasing embarrassment at shame person. Chronically angry people become prisoners seclusion of their own making. Anyone can react with anger at times, especially when he unexpectedly disgraced. But people who are intensely ashamed may react with anger more often than other people. Their anger covers actually deep shame. Their attacks on other shift attention to their feelings of inadequacy.
And finally, if you suffer from excessive shame and use one of the described or some other strategy to overcome the shame, remember, the only way to get rid of their shame is to accept and do not run away from it. It is easy to say but to achieve in practice is not easy.
Vladimir Misic
