Sharing a little about myself: depression, experiences, musings, realizations

[Vajra91]

Including the realization that I'm bad with titles, I guess

I've had a.. fairly strange experience lately that I wanted to share. And, once again, make an effort to try and open myself up a little.

Bit of a premise: I've been struggling with a.. moderate(?) depression for at least 20 years now. Ever since I was 11 or 12, I think. Maybe earlier if we want to see insomnia as an early symptom.
About 12 or 13 years ago, after a particularly rough period that lasted little less than a year (and a short venture into the dreadful realm of antidepressant drugs), it got so bad (for a variety of reason) that I even made an attempt on my own life. The very next day, strangely enough, I found that my overwhelming sadness and despair, which had long been stuck on a solid 12 on a 1-10 scale, had suddenly gone down to a more manageable 5 or 6. I assumed, at the time, that this was a (positive) consequence of the "shock" I had just endured. Now I'm starting to think that opening up to others (as I did in my.. "final letter") might be what made the difference. More on this point later. Anyway, until recently, that's where my depression sat at. Some better times, some worse times, some REALLY bad times.. Pretty much always present, but somewhat manageable.

Now, about a month ago the worst side of my depression decided to rear its ugly head again. In a bad way. And again there were a number of reasons, mostly tied to my frankly excessive focus on my health issues (which worsened again since March of this year) and repeated failures to fix them, making me feel like I wasted most of my life and energy, like I was cursed to suffer for the rest of this life, victim of karma and evil forces.. yada yada. Pretty much the whole victimhood package, along with a general sense of malaise, a distaste for the state of the world and a complete maladjustment to daily life and society. Although I will say, this "spike" felt very sudden.

In the last month, pretty much every day and night, I hoped and even openly asked the universe to just let it end. Be it a miraculous healing, a transition towards 4th density or 5th density or any other option, I just wanted to be free from a body that feels like a prison, to have a bit of respite, a chance to rest and recover before continuing with my lessons. Basically a quick fix, or a free lunch, even though I should know better by now.

I'm aware that there are many people, both in general and on this forum, that suffer a WHOLE lot more than I do and still find it in them to not only take care of their daily life and "mundane" affairs, but also consistently put in the Work and Network. For some reason I seem incapable or unwilling to do any of that, and this only worsens my shame. I feel enslaved by my laziness, my fears, my malaise, my body. The best I have managed until now is to keep up with what happens around the globe, trying to keep my eyes and ears open and to see reality through the endless lies, mostly thanks to everyone's contribution on the forum.

Now, a few days ago I decided that it was time to do something about my mental state. The Universe seemed unwilling to solve the situation for me (rightfully so, I guess), and deliberately ending this physical experience by my own hand, so to speak, was out of the question. I tried to do that once before, true (and hoping/asking to die in one's sleep is hardly any better, to be honest, though I guess my own "mental buffers" made me feel like that was more acceptable), but I was not at that point yet nor was I truly willing to let myself get there.. While there are only a few people who actually care about me right now, I don't want to unleash that kind of suffering upon them, to unleash a wave of suffering, no matter how relatively contained.

I had already been practicing the Amazing Guided Meditation for Protection, Wellness and Prosperity for a few days at that point, then I finally managed to open up about my mental state with a friendly doctor who has been taking care of my health for a while (pretty cool guy, favors a natural and holistic approach) and we decided to try some SAM-e to ease my depression. I also seem to have a problem with methylations (my homocysteine used to be pretty high and goes back up as soon as I stop taking folic acid / methylfolate / premethylated B vitamins) so it seemed like a good idea to try it. Started today, just a few hour ago. But that's actually beyond the point..

.. Since about 24-30 hours ago, well before taking SAM-e.. I've been feeling a lot better. I mean, still generally unhappy about a lot of things, but.. That dreadful, constant desire to "quit" seems to be just.. Gone. My mind feels pretty much clear, the suffocating shadow seems to have departed. It's like a switch was flipped in my mind, like a heavy burden was suddenly lifted.. It's absurd.

I don't really know what happened. I could assume that some sort of "attack" came to an end or that the DCM kindly intervened to keep me going, and surely there COULD be something like that involved. Or maybe an Herxheimer reaction due to my battle with intestinal candida, which recently came back after a temporary truce (although both the onset and the end of this major depressive episode seem a little too sudden for that)..
Maybe just the decision to actually do something about my mental state was enough to "switch gears"?

But I'm starting to feel like this was, as usual, part of a lesson, a catalyst for me to learn something. Possibily (one of?) the most important lesson I need to learn in this lifetime, osit: Opening up to others. Releasing myself from this self-imposed isolation. Facing this constant fear of judgement, of not being good enough, of disappointing myself and others. Changing my attitude that seems to be both highly narcissistic and self-deprecating at the same time. Showing my inner self instead of hiding in a corner and just observing.
Because that's what I've been doing with my life (and here on the forum as well): just observing, taking while barely giving anything (especially, though certainly not exclusively, on an emotional level), because every time I gather a little willpower and consider opening up, putting a little more effort into things, this.. dreadful feeling.. starts haunting me until I give up. Constant tiredness and depression and even apathy, yes, but aside from that, even when there is nothing to fear, I feel fearful, anxious. As if any barely negative judgement would be the end of the world

It's not like I never realized until now, but.. I kind of sense it more clearly right now. I feel it. And the more I think about it, the more this feels like the central issue with my life. The big, damn knot that has been keeping me tied, bridled, hampered.

So many resolutions right now.. Then again, it's not the first time I "decide" to change.. Hasn't worked too well until now, but maybe this time. I feel stuck in such a weird place: Too awake to go back to sleep and forget everything, too asleep (and tired) to fully wake up and start DOing what I need to. I suppose we all have our personal path to walk, one way or another. Just like the rest of the world, I guess I'll either manage to wake up properly right now, or I'll just keep suffering until I do.. Whatever the case, all there is is lessons, right?

If nothing else, I guess I'm at least managing to hold on. AND I got to write this right now. That's.. something

 

[EmeraldR]

hi Vajra91,
well done for networking and sharing -its helpful to others as well as yourself .

You mentioned that this depression started around when you were 11 or 12 - just wondering what were your circumstances then- family /parents etc- was there any significant event (separation/loss /trauma) around that time ?

has your doctor mentioned counselling /therapy/cbt - or perhaps you might have done so over the years youve been experiencing depression.

keep sharing -theres great support and love here.

you will be in my thoughts and prayers

​

 

[Vajra91]

hi Vajra91,
well done for networking and sharing -its helpful to others as well as yourself .

Thank you! I hope it can be useful

You mentioned that this depression started around when you were 11 or 12 - just wondering what were your circumstances then- family /parents etc- was there any significant event (separation/loss /trauma) around that time ?

Hard to say what exactly might have contributed.. My parents got separated when I was 4, so.. that's often traumatic to some degree. Barely any memories from that time, but from what I have gathered it wasn't the happiest and cleanest of separations, though their relationship did improve eventually to the point where they became fairly friendly with one another.

Then, my father kept getting in and out of my life repeatedly over the years.. Sometimes he was constantly there (often to a stifling degree) other times I barely saw him because of some new relationship he had started, other times yet I would get close to said new relationship and relatives, only for him to eventually move on, which also caused me to cut ties with them.. That didn't help with emotional stability and is definitely relevant to that specific time period.
I'll never stop being grateful to him for the economic stability he has provided for my mother and I over the years, certainly way more than he had any obligation to, but.. I did resent him greatly for many years.

As a way to, presumably, make up for the emotional distress I felt, my parents also overfed me when I was a child, which resulted in obesity until puberty, the feelings of shame usually associated with that, and an hyperfocus on staying lean as an adult.

I've also always been extremely introverted, so I barely had any friends growing up and often felt quite lonely (which remains quite true to this day). Which I think may have a sort of "compounding" effect with everything else.. Any feeling of loss or abandonment has always felt "amplified", probably because of a very, very restricted social circle.

Then there is the type of education I received.. Always trying to act in the most respectful way possible in every social interaction.. Guess that is the origin of my "be perfect or be ashamed" program..

Finally (that I can think of right now), that was also the age when, around puberty, I started realizing that girls where not the focus of my attraction.. Imagine that, on top of the above, for a young boy in a small town in southern Italy.. At least I've always been of the more masculine variety (even more so than what came naturally to me, actually, probably trying to overcompensate for my feelings, I think), so I guess it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

So yeah.. Nothing too serious or too extraordinary, just.. A number of compounding issues that, over time, resulted in a strong and permanent feeling of unhappiness and sleeplessness

has your doctor mentioned counselling /therapy/cbt - or perhaps you might have done so over the years youve been experiencing depression.

I've tried a number of things over the years. Lots of counseling (my psycologist specialized in cbt), meditation, supplements.. Even antidepressants for a short time, as I wrote above, which I feel might have been the main cause for the sudden escalation of the situation, way back when.. Nothing ever felt particularly effective.
Who knows, maybe these newfound insights, the guided meditations and SAM-e will finally give me the kick I need to get going.

keep sharing -theres great support and love here.

you will be in my thoughts and prayers

Thank you, I appreciate it

 

[Tuatha de Danaan]

I finally managed to open up about my mental state with a friendly doctor who has been taking care of my health for a while (pretty cool guy, favors a natural and holistic approach) and we decided to try some SAM-e to ease my depression.

Wow Vajra91, you have been under a cloud for quite some time. I really think your doctor is your friend. Keep talking to him and exchange ideas. Doctors like yours are few and far between and I deem you lucky in this respect.

You've not mentioned what your diet is like but as EmeraldR said keep sharing but I feel you have started to take charge. You have many doubts and self judgment. One step and one day at a time.
Wishing you the best going forward.

 

[Vajra91]

Wow Vajra91, you have been under a cloud for quite some time. I really think your doctor is your friend. Keep talking to him and exchange ideas. Doctors like yours are few and far between and I deem you lucky in this respect.

Yeah, I'm painfully aware of just how rare it is to find doctors who actually know what they're talking about, are willing to forge their way forward instead of following the establishment, and take the time to understand the patient and not just the simptoms. I have seen my share of doctors over the years but he's the first of his kind I meet.

You've not mentioned what your diet is like but as EmeraldR said keep sharing but I feel you have started to take charge.

I have tried a number of approaches over the years, from a very "standard" paleo diet, to the AIP, carnivore, even lion's diet (as long as I could stomach it at least).. My main concern has always been autoimmune (pretty overwhelming case of psoriasis, with just a hint of psoriatic arthritis every now and then). Carnivore and water fasting helped a lot.. Until they didn't.
Since I'm an ectomorph and a little underweight we have opted for a more balanced approach as of late, thinking I might have run my adrenals into the ground. Balancing carbs proteins and fats while avoiding triggering foods like cereals (even rice is bad for me), dairy, sugar, most nightshades, nuts.. Right now I'm mostly eating chicken, cod, manioca, squash, red potatoes, normal potatoes (seems like, when it comes to potatoes, solanine is largely focused in the skin and right underneath, so a deep peeling should get rid of the issue), a little lettuce and a bit of fruit.. A bit restrictive, but still more palatable than carnivore or (god forbid) lion's.

And supplements. Just.. All of the supplements.

You have many doubts and self judgment. One step and one day at a time.
Wishing you the best going forward.

Yes and yes. We'll see where the path leads. I remain confident that somehow, at some point, things will get better. Both objectively, one way or another, and subjectively, through a shift in perspective. Just a matter of how long it's gonna take. Or how long it's gonna feel like, I guess.. Time being an illusion and all that

Thank you and likewise, the best to you

 

[Nienna]

Maybe just the decision to actually do something about my mental state was enough to "switch gears"?

I think this has a lot to do with it. It is said that the DCM helps those who help themselves; and until you decided to do just that, it would seem that the DCM was waiting for you to start doing something about this. You took a step in the right direction.

If nothing else, I guess I'm at least managing to hold on. AND I got to write this right now. That's.. something

Indeed it is! Just take one step at a time, that's all that is required to start on the path you need to take. No matter how many times you fall, just keep getting back up and carry on.

Keep us posted.

 

[Vajra91]

I think this has a lot to do with it. It is said that the DCM helps those who help themselves; and until you decided to do just that, it would seem that the DCM was waiting for you to start doing something about this. You took a step in the right direction.

That may be so. The sudden improvement does feel rather miraculous. Maybe it wasn't the DCM that was refusing to help, it was me refusing to let the DCM do it's thing, so to speak. Again, no free lunch. I may have (definitely) focused way too much on the wrong aspect of my health and life, or at least way too much on a single one, at the expenses of everything else. It does feels like a lesson on balance and priorities, among other things

Indeed it is! Just take one step at a time, that's all that is required to start on the path you need to take. No matter how many times you fall, just keep getting back up and carry on.

Keep us posted.

I'll try my best, thank you

 

[Tuatha de Danaan]

depression, experiences, musings, realizations​

Vajra91, the words above from your title heading say more, I think, than you realise. From reading your posts I get the feeling, and I may be wrong of course, that you are rootless. Through no fault of your own you feel as if you are standing on shifting ground. An example being your Dad coming in and out of your life with his retinue of new acquaintances, moving out of your life and the saga repeating all over again. Very disconcerting for a child added to which your travelling back and forth with the added problem with various foods in your diet.

Not knowing what your work actually entails but feeling you have no home base, a place you can recharge your energies, could you describe your current work life. I surmise you are in your 30's so you should be mapping out, or have mapped out a life style that provides a balance of work/me time.

You are doing a great job of communicating with us here on the forum so please continue. We are all learning through you and hopefully getting to know each other better. Thank you.

 

[Vajra91]

depression, experiences, musings, realizations​

Vajra91, the words above from your title heading say more, I think, than you realise. From reading your posts I get the feeling, and I may be wrong of course, that you are rootless. Through no fault of your own you feel as if you are standing on shifting ground. An example being your Dad coming in and out of your life with his retinue of new acquaintances, moving out of your life and the saga repeating all over again. Very disconcerting for a child added to which your travelling back and forth with the added problem with various foods in your diet.

I would not say rootless. My roots are definitely skinny and a bit fragile in one way or another, but they're also the only thing that has kept me alive.

My father has unfortunately never really been "reliable" on an emotional level, but has always provided and continues to provide economic stability. My mother has always been present, providing both a home and an open minded person to talk with, despite her own "emotional baggage" and hardships, surely aggravated by my own. Though I do believe they have done and keep doing their best and I'm thankful for it.

It is true however that I have no deeper roots. For a number of reasons (partly simple happenstance, partly faults of one or all parties involved) contact with the rest of the family has always been relatively scarce, intermittent, and spoiled by constant fights and/or old resentments, so there never was any real, proper bonding to speak of early on and we eventually drifted apart pretty much entirely.

You're right in thinking that I felt like i was on shifting ground, but I think in that regard my roots (or absence of) are only partially to blame. They prepared the terrain, for sure, making future experiences and sources of uncertainty all the more "effective".

Not knowing what your work actually entails but feeling you have no home base, a place you can recharge your energies, could you describe your current work life. I surmise you are in your 30's so you should be mapping out, or have mapped out a life style that provides a balance of work/me time.

I should thank you for asking this particular question.

This is a very sore spot and another source of deep shame for me.. To the point that I hoped the question wouldn't get asked. I was even tempted to just "obfuscate" and dodge it.. Which is all the more reason to answer it properly, I think, because I'm clearly not going to get anywhere unless the light starts shining where I least like it.

I'm 34, so I should have started sorting out my life to some degree by now. But, I haven't. I don't have a work life.
I really meant it when I said that I'll always be grateful to my father for providing for my mother and I way more that he would ever be required to, because he keeps doing it to this day.

To add some context.. At some point during high school I ended up dropping out. My depression was already galloping. Most of the time I couldn't sleep at night, was incredibly tired during the day, no focus, couldn't study.. Couldn't really find any motivation to do anything, life felt without purpose. In a few years I went from being a very good student to a complete disaster.

So, I dropped out, took some time to myself, hoping to rest and recover. It was supposed to be only for a short time and then I would either go back to study or start working. But then I didn't feel any better, so I waited some more. Then I felt worse and other health problems manifested, then a lot worse.. In those periods of time when I would feel better I would start making plans, but nothing ever came of them. Eventually that kind of became "normal" and I ended up as some sort of hikikomori. Years went by just like that. God bless my parents for having the strength and heart to carry me on their shoulders until now..

A few months ago I signed up to finish the last year of high school. I was worried I'd give up again given how I was feeling, especially recently, but.. This time I hope and think it's going to be different. Not only am I feeling much better mentally, I also think that I'm starting to figure out why I felt the way I did. And over these last 2-3 days I've found myself shooing away self-destructive thoughts pretty much as soon as they pop up, which is kind of a first. If all goes well I should start in September and be done by June of next year. Then.. We'll see.

You are doing a great job of communicating with us here on the forum so please continue. We are all learning through you and hopefully getting to know each other better. Thank you.

Thank you. I'm happy to keep going. The brighter the light that gets shined on these issues and the more mirrors I have to face, the better the odds that I'll actually accomplish something. And if it can prove useful to others.. Well, it would be about time I start doing something useful.

 

[Vajra91]

Maybe just the decision to actually do something about my mental state was enough to "switch gears"?

I think this has a lot to do with it. It is said that the DCM helps those who help themselves; and until you decided to do just that, it would seem that the DCM was waiting for you to start doing something about this. You took a step in the right direction.

I've been giving some deeper thought to all of this.. The idea of the choice itself as the catalyst for change, specifically, kept coming to mind..

I think I'm starting to understand the underlying issue with my mental state all these years. I mean, unpleasantness and suffering can be a pretty bad poison in their own right in the long run, but I think there is something a little more specific.

The more I think about it, the more I'm realizing that self-destructive thoughts have constantly been there, in the background of my mind. They came to the fore spectacularly once before and were creeping up especially heavily again recently, but it's not like they were ever truly absent in all these years, just usually less prominent, less intrusive and constant, popping up when "needed".

This idea that it would be so much easier to just end it.. That bad come to worst, there would always be a way out.. That I could keep going JUST one more day or week.. I'm not even sure when exactly I started considering death as a true, proper, viable option to escape what I perceived as excessive suffering, but definitely young. And with an ever more stagnant lifestyle, I guess my tolerance for suffering ended up being reduced more and more, until these thoughts became a constant crutch. Or a constant poison.

In a way, it felt like a source of strength. A way to keep going, one way or another. I think I just came to the realization that, if I'm suddenly feeling so much better so absurdly suddenly, it's exactly because I finally made a clear, distinct choice to NOT go that route.

It feels like I wasn't actually sure that I wanted to be alive. And indeed, what was the result of that? A non-life. I haven't really been doing a whole lot of living until now. Kinda feels like I turned myself into a human version of Schrodinger's cat.

There is also the matter of finally shifting my thoughts from very self centered ("I can just get out if I really need to, sorry about who stays behind, I kept going for you as long as I could") to more externally considerate ("I really don't want to cause so much suffering to those around me, so instead of barely hanging on for their sake, I'm choosing to truly renounce that possibility"). It seems reasonable to me to think that, with that shift in attitude, my own inner destructive thoughts would suddenly feel much, much less amplified, right?

 

[Tuatha de Danaan]

This is a very sore spot and another source of deep shame for me.. To the point that I hoped the question wouldn't get asked. I was even tempted to just "obfuscate" and dodge it.. Which is all the more reason to answer it properly, I think, because I'm clearly not going to get anywhere unless the light starts shining where I least like it.

Bravo for being honest and answering the question. You had a Mum and Dad that carried you all this time and really left you to your own devices. As a parent I would have been very remiss if I had not made a concerted effort to get my children proactive and active in getting a job, any job, to get them out of themselves IF they were in a similar situation as yours. As we say in this neck of the woods "a good kick up the *rse.!!

What are the chances of you getting a part time job to get you out and mixing with peoples of all ages? You've missed your 20's to a certain extent but you can broaden your experience slowly. This would allow you to also start some reading from the books recommended here on the Forum. This would allow you thinking time over the next year or so as to what you would like to do in the future.

As they say the world's your oyster and with your parents continued support you could achieve whatever you want. Just some ideas that came to mind and nothing written in stone. Keep knocking those negative thoughts out of your mind, they've overstayed their welcome and did you no favours.
You might even be able to engage your parents with ideas of where to put your energies. They are older and more experienced and just might surprise you. Not sure but worth a try. Keep positive.

 

[Maya]

Congratulation @Vajra91 on nice and honest self observation.
Keep up the good work , we're cheering for you

 

[Fluffy]

Hello Vajra91, I can relate to much of what you say, in fact our experiences are similar in many ways.
Firstly think it’s that darned self talk we do to ourselves that creates many of our blockages from being able to or even wanting to do something. Constantly reinforcing a narrative like ‘I feel depressed’ or any negative self affirmation we cause more of the same. Same goes in the opposite direction.

To get off the hamster wheel of our own self destruction we have to make changes. Finishing school is a great idea, so make yourself do that even when you don’t feel like it, it will be hard sometimes of course but don’t doubt yourself at all and you can achieve that. Then you move into the next thing. This is the same kind of advice I’ve received here on the forum, I’m just relaying it to you. It’s helped a lot.

I guess you’re likely good at being as positive as you are negative towards your beliefs and notions about yourself, try your best to stay positively focused, when negativity creeps in redirect it to something good. I’ve found it even works effectively to tell myself that I’m not tired, even though I am, saying to myself that I’m not gives me a little boost of energy.

One of my favourite people for reinforcing positive thought loops is Louise Hay. There are other people out there doing something similar. Getting on top of our depression it’s important to feel our self worth, it alleviates the feeling of pointlessness and futility.

Depression is self sabotage and I know this sounds terrible, though I realised it’s just another thread in the ‘I’m so special’ self importance program many of us are locked in. I only really got that the other day and since I realised it a bit of weight had been lifted from me. I feel happier and the things in front of me are easier to DO.

You’ll be alight, keep posting and sharing. We’ve all got mountains to climb, helping each other is what we want to do so keep opening up. Thank you. You’re not alone

She has so many free ones on YouTube, just choose what you need in the moment, motivation, self love, healing trauma etc. it really works.

 

[Vajra91]

What are the chances of you getting a part time job to get you out and mixing with peoples of all ages? You've missed your 20's to a certain extent but you can broaden your experience slowly. This would allow you to also start some reading from the books recommended here on the Forum. This would allow you thinking time over the next year or so as to what you would like to do in the future.

You might even be able to engage your parents with ideas of where to put your energies. They are older and more experienced and just might surprise you. Not sure but worth a try. Keep positive.

To get off the hamster wheel of our own self destruction we have to make changes. Finishing school is a great idea, so make yourself do that even when you don’t feel like it, it will be hard sometimes of course but don’t doubt yourself at all and you can achieve that. Then you move into the next thing. This is the same kind of advice I’ve received here on the forum, I’m just relaying it to you. It’s helped a lot.

Yeah. Realizations are good, knowledge protects, but it needs to be applied to be really effective.
The short term plan of finishing high school seems like the most reasonable at the moment, regardless of future plan. I think it needs to be the basis upon which to build whatever comes. I have a couple of ideas for the future, but we'll see where it goes one step at a time.

In regard to getting a part time job as you were suggesting, Tuatha De Danaan, I can see the usefulness of doing that while finishing my studies.. But I'm a bit unsure in that regard..
See, I'm aware that, even if it doesn't feel like it just now, this sudden wave of clarity and hopefulness and strength COULD be a "temporary high" and that at some point in the near future I might come down from said "high" and back to earth. So on one hand it feels like this would be the perfect moment to fully invest my energies in order to break out of my decades old mechanical habits. Use this "god given chance" to its full extent. On the other hand, after such a long time of inactivity, I worry that "overextending" right away might exhaust me in a heartbeat. I'll surely keep thinking it over.

Bravo for being honest and answering the question. You had a Mum and Dad that carried you all this time and really left you to your own devices. As a parent I would have been very remiss if I had not made a concerted effort to get my children proactive and active in getting a job, any job, to get them out of themselves IF they were in a similar situation as yours. As we say in this neck of the woods "a good kick up the *rse.!!

What you're saying makes perfect sense and yeah, the situation could and should have been handled very differently a long, long time ago. But, it was a complex situation. Lots of uncertainty on all sides on how to act and what to do (them as parents who also had complicated upbringing and questionable parental figures, me as a human being in general), lots of blaming and self-blaming.. It is what it is. Ultimately I am sure they always did the best they were capable and with the best intentions.

Hello Vajra91, I can relate to much of what you say, in fact our experiences are similar in many ways.
Firstly think it’s that darned self talk we do to ourselves that creates many of our blockages from being able to or even wanting to do something. Constantly reinforcing a narrative like ‘I feel depressed’ or any negative self affirmation we cause more of the same. Same goes in the opposite direction.

I'm sorry to hear you're also going through such a harrowing experience Fluffy. Hopefully, by sharing our experiences and listening to the advice of our peers and elders, we'll all be able to help each other out get back on our feet.

I guess you’re likely good at being as positive as you are negative towards your beliefs and notions about yourself, try your best to stay positively focused, when negativity creeps in redirect it to something good. I’ve found it even works effectively to tell myself that I’m not tired, even though I am, saying to myself that I’m not gives me a little boost of energy.

Unfortunately I've never quite been capable of "tricking" my mind like that, so to speak. Then again, I've surmised that until recently, I probably wasn't even trying, didn't really want to get better. But that might be different going forward

Depression is self sabotage and I know this sounds terrible, though I realised it’s just another thread in the ‘I’m so special’ self importance program many of us are locked in. I only really got that the other day and since I realised it a bit of weight had been lifted from me. I feel happier and the things in front of me are easier to DO.

I can definitely relate to that. "My suffering is SO bad, so feeling like this is justified, I can't do anything about it". Looking at it with a clear mind, it's amazing how one can go from looking at the horrifying suffering so widespread throughout the world one moment, and forgetting it the very next, feeling that one's own suffering is "the worst". Yeah, it does seem tied in with self importance.
Thank you, that's one more angle I often fail to keep in mind.

She has so many free ones on YouTube, just choose what you need in the moment, motivation, self love, healing trauma etc. it really works.

Thank you for sharing something that helps for you. I'll give it a try, see how it works for me.
What has been proving really good for me lately are the Amazing Guided Meditations on the cassiopaea youtube profile. I imagine that most on the forum would know them already, but I guess I'll post a link anyway, just in case someone unaware of them happens to read. Especially the last one is just incredible to me. And the one for past life healing is one I experienced right the day before suddenly feeling better. I have been wondering about that, but.. who can tell. (hopefully I've figured out how to post them properly).

Keep positive.

Keep up the good work , we're cheering for you

You’re not alone

Thank you all for the kind words. You all keep positive as well

 

[nicklebleu]

Good on you, Vajra91, for putting your first foot in front of the other!

I was also thinking about what you can do NOW to support and sustain that new-found positive feeling, and I wanted to ask you if you do any form of exercise.

Exercise is a funny one - often when it’s time to do it, you just hate the idea. I then have ten thousand other things that seem waaaay more important. But when I get myself up and going and I finish, I am feeling a lot better.

Now this doesn’t need to be anything drastic. If you don’t already have an established exercise routing, you could go for a walk every day - come hail or shine. Just a 30 minute stroll to start with. then you can increase your pace, or you could do something I do - I have an interval timer and on my 40 min walk I do 3 minutes or leisurely walking, followed by 3 minutes of faster walking. Some days I really push myself, some days my body says “take it easy, mate!” so I do everything a bit more slowly.

On top of that it is also good for the mind - exercise has been shown in many studies to be an excellent anti-depressant. And it teaches you a certain degree of self-discipline that will come in handy and support you in areas of your life where you may need to persist a bit longer doing things that are uncomfortable or you outright don’t like.

You were saying in one of your posts that you are apprehensive about doing too much and ‘overspending’ yourself. This is a legitimate concern on one hand, but on the other hand, it can also be the voice of the negative introject that tries to keep things as they are now. You will have to find the right balance between the two, but I think pushing in your situation is probably overall better than ‘giving in’ and keeping things as they are, and if at some state you are starting to overdo it, you can always pull back some.

Keep at it!