Vajra91
Jedi
Including the realization that I'm bad with titles, I guess 
I've had a.. fairly strange experience lately that I wanted to share. And, once again, make an effort to try and open myself up a little.
Bit of a premise: I've been struggling with a.. moderate(?) depression for at least 20 years now. Ever since I was 11 or 12, I think. Maybe earlier if we want to see insomnia as an early symptom.
About 12 or 13 years ago, after a particularly rough period that lasted little less than a year (and a short venture into the dreadful realm of antidepressant drugs), it got so bad (for a variety of reason) that I even made an attempt on my own life. The very next day, strangely enough, I found that my overwhelming sadness and despair, which had long been stuck on a solid 12 on a 1-10 scale, had suddenly gone down to a more manageable 5 or 6. I assumed, at the time, that this was a (positive) consequence of the "shock" I had just endured. Now I'm starting to think that opening up to others (as I did in my.. "final letter") might be what made the difference. More on this point later. Anyway, until recently, that's where my depression sat at. Some better times, some worse times, some REALLY bad times.. Pretty much always present, but somewhat manageable.
Now, about a month ago the worst side of my depression decided to rear its ugly head again. In a bad way. And again there were a number of reasons, mostly tied to my frankly excessive focus on my health issues (which worsened again since March of this year) and repeated failures to fix them, making me feel like I wasted most of my life and energy, like I was cursed to suffer for the rest of this life, victim of karma and evil forces.. yada yada. Pretty much the whole victimhood package, along with a general sense of malaise, a distaste for the state of the world and a complete maladjustment to daily life and society. Although I will say, this "spike" felt very sudden.
In the last month, pretty much every day and night, I hoped and even openly asked the universe to just let it end. Be it a miraculous healing, a transition towards 4th density or 5th density or any other option, I just wanted to be free from a body that feels like a prison, to have a bit of respite, a chance to rest and recover before continuing with my lessons. Basically a quick fix, or a free lunch, even though I should know better by now.
I'm aware that there are many people, both in general and on this forum, that suffer a WHOLE lot more than I do and still find it in them to not only take care of their daily life and "mundane" affairs, but also consistently put in the Work and Network. For some reason I seem incapable or unwilling to do any of that, and this only worsens my shame. I feel enslaved by my laziness, my fears, my malaise, my body. The best I have managed until now is to keep up with what happens around the globe, trying to keep my eyes and ears open and to see reality through the endless lies, mostly thanks to everyone's contribution on the forum.
Now, a few days ago I decided that it was time to do something about my mental state. The Universe seemed unwilling to solve the situation for me (rightfully so, I guess), and deliberately ending this physical experience by my own hand, so to speak, was out of the question. I tried to do that once before, true (and hoping/asking to die in one's sleep is hardly any better, to be honest, though I guess my own "mental buffers" made me feel like that was more acceptable), but I was not at that point yet nor was I truly willing to let myself get there.. While there are only a few people who actually care about me right now, I don't want to unleash that kind of suffering upon them, to unleash a wave of suffering, no matter how relatively contained.
I had already been practicing the Amazing Guided Meditation for Protection, Wellness and Prosperity for a few days at that point, then I finally managed to open up about my mental state with a friendly doctor who has been taking care of my health for a while (pretty cool guy, favors a natural and holistic approach) and we decided to try some SAM-e to ease my depression. I also seem to have a problem with methylations (my homocysteine used to be pretty high and goes back up as soon as I stop taking folic acid / methylfolate / premethylated B vitamins) so it seemed like a good idea to try it. Started today, just a few hour ago. But that's actually beyond the point..
.. Since about 24-30 hours ago, well before taking SAM-e.. I've been feeling a lot better. I mean, still generally unhappy about a lot of things, but.. That dreadful, constant desire to "quit" seems to be just.. Gone. My mind feels pretty much clear, the suffocating shadow seems to have departed. It's like a switch was flipped in my mind, like a heavy burden was suddenly lifted.. It's absurd.
I don't really know what happened. I could assume that some sort of "attack" came to an end or that the DCM kindly intervened to keep me going, and surely there COULD be something like that involved. Or maybe an Herxheimer reaction due to my battle with intestinal candida, which recently came back after a temporary truce (although both the onset and the end of this major depressive episode seem a little too sudden for that)..
Maybe just the decision to actually do something about my mental state was enough to "switch gears"?
But I'm starting to feel like this was, as usual, part of a lesson, a catalyst for me to learn something. Possibily (one of?) the most important lesson I need to learn in this lifetime, osit: Opening up to others. Releasing myself from this self-imposed isolation. Facing this constant fear of judgement, of not being good enough, of disappointing myself and others. Changing my attitude that seems to be both highly narcissistic and self-deprecating at the same time. Showing my inner self instead of hiding in a corner and just observing.
Because that's what I've been doing with my life (and here on the forum as well): just observing, taking while barely giving anything (especially, though certainly not exclusively, on an emotional level), because every time I gather a little willpower and consider opening up, putting a little more effort into things, this.. dreadful feeling.. starts haunting me until I give up. Constant tiredness and depression and even apathy, yes, but aside from that, even when there is nothing to fear, I feel fearful, anxious. As if any barely negative judgement would be the end of the world
It's not like I never realized until now, but.. I kind of sense it more clearly right now. I feel it. And the more I think about it, the more this feels like the central issue with my life. The big, damn knot that has been keeping me tied, bridled, hampered.
So many resolutions right now.. Then again, it's not the first time I "decide" to change.. Hasn't worked too well until now, but maybe this time. I feel stuck in such a weird place: Too awake to go back to sleep and forget everything, too asleep (and tired) to fully wake up and start DOing what I need to. I suppose we all have our personal path to walk, one way or another. Just like the rest of the world, I guess I'll either manage to wake up properly right now, or I'll just keep suffering until I do.. Whatever the case, all there is is lessons, right?
If nothing else, I guess I'm at least managing to hold on. AND I got to write this right now. That's.. something

I've had a.. fairly strange experience lately that I wanted to share. And, once again, make an effort to try and open myself up a little.
Bit of a premise: I've been struggling with a.. moderate(?) depression for at least 20 years now. Ever since I was 11 or 12, I think. Maybe earlier if we want to see insomnia as an early symptom.
About 12 or 13 years ago, after a particularly rough period that lasted little less than a year (and a short venture into the dreadful realm of antidepressant drugs), it got so bad (for a variety of reason) that I even made an attempt on my own life. The very next day, strangely enough, I found that my overwhelming sadness and despair, which had long been stuck on a solid 12 on a 1-10 scale, had suddenly gone down to a more manageable 5 or 6. I assumed, at the time, that this was a (positive) consequence of the "shock" I had just endured. Now I'm starting to think that opening up to others (as I did in my.. "final letter") might be what made the difference. More on this point later. Anyway, until recently, that's where my depression sat at. Some better times, some worse times, some REALLY bad times.. Pretty much always present, but somewhat manageable.
Now, about a month ago the worst side of my depression decided to rear its ugly head again. In a bad way. And again there were a number of reasons, mostly tied to my frankly excessive focus on my health issues (which worsened again since March of this year) and repeated failures to fix them, making me feel like I wasted most of my life and energy, like I was cursed to suffer for the rest of this life, victim of karma and evil forces.. yada yada. Pretty much the whole victimhood package, along with a general sense of malaise, a distaste for the state of the world and a complete maladjustment to daily life and society. Although I will say, this "spike" felt very sudden.
In the last month, pretty much every day and night, I hoped and even openly asked the universe to just let it end. Be it a miraculous healing, a transition towards 4th density or 5th density or any other option, I just wanted to be free from a body that feels like a prison, to have a bit of respite, a chance to rest and recover before continuing with my lessons. Basically a quick fix, or a free lunch, even though I should know better by now.
I'm aware that there are many people, both in general and on this forum, that suffer a WHOLE lot more than I do and still find it in them to not only take care of their daily life and "mundane" affairs, but also consistently put in the Work and Network. For some reason I seem incapable or unwilling to do any of that, and this only worsens my shame. I feel enslaved by my laziness, my fears, my malaise, my body. The best I have managed until now is to keep up with what happens around the globe, trying to keep my eyes and ears open and to see reality through the endless lies, mostly thanks to everyone's contribution on the forum.
Now, a few days ago I decided that it was time to do something about my mental state. The Universe seemed unwilling to solve the situation for me (rightfully so, I guess), and deliberately ending this physical experience by my own hand, so to speak, was out of the question. I tried to do that once before, true (and hoping/asking to die in one's sleep is hardly any better, to be honest, though I guess my own "mental buffers" made me feel like that was more acceptable), but I was not at that point yet nor was I truly willing to let myself get there.. While there are only a few people who actually care about me right now, I don't want to unleash that kind of suffering upon them, to unleash a wave of suffering, no matter how relatively contained.
I had already been practicing the Amazing Guided Meditation for Protection, Wellness and Prosperity for a few days at that point, then I finally managed to open up about my mental state with a friendly doctor who has been taking care of my health for a while (pretty cool guy, favors a natural and holistic approach) and we decided to try some SAM-e to ease my depression. I also seem to have a problem with methylations (my homocysteine used to be pretty high and goes back up as soon as I stop taking folic acid / methylfolate / premethylated B vitamins) so it seemed like a good idea to try it. Started today, just a few hour ago. But that's actually beyond the point..
.. Since about 24-30 hours ago, well before taking SAM-e.. I've been feeling a lot better. I mean, still generally unhappy about a lot of things, but.. That dreadful, constant desire to "quit" seems to be just.. Gone. My mind feels pretty much clear, the suffocating shadow seems to have departed. It's like a switch was flipped in my mind, like a heavy burden was suddenly lifted.. It's absurd.
I don't really know what happened. I could assume that some sort of "attack" came to an end or that the DCM kindly intervened to keep me going, and surely there COULD be something like that involved. Or maybe an Herxheimer reaction due to my battle with intestinal candida, which recently came back after a temporary truce (although both the onset and the end of this major depressive episode seem a little too sudden for that)..
Maybe just the decision to actually do something about my mental state was enough to "switch gears"?
But I'm starting to feel like this was, as usual, part of a lesson, a catalyst for me to learn something. Possibily (one of?) the most important lesson I need to learn in this lifetime, osit: Opening up to others. Releasing myself from this self-imposed isolation. Facing this constant fear of judgement, of not being good enough, of disappointing myself and others. Changing my attitude that seems to be both highly narcissistic and self-deprecating at the same time. Showing my inner self instead of hiding in a corner and just observing.
Because that's what I've been doing with my life (and here on the forum as well): just observing, taking while barely giving anything (especially, though certainly not exclusively, on an emotional level), because every time I gather a little willpower and consider opening up, putting a little more effort into things, this.. dreadful feeling.. starts haunting me until I give up. Constant tiredness and depression and even apathy, yes, but aside from that, even when there is nothing to fear, I feel fearful, anxious. As if any barely negative judgement would be the end of the world
It's not like I never realized until now, but.. I kind of sense it more clearly right now. I feel it. And the more I think about it, the more this feels like the central issue with my life. The big, damn knot that has been keeping me tied, bridled, hampered.
So many resolutions right now.. Then again, it's not the first time I "decide" to change.. Hasn't worked too well until now, but maybe this time. I feel stuck in such a weird place: Too awake to go back to sleep and forget everything, too asleep (and tired) to fully wake up and start DOing what I need to. I suppose we all have our personal path to walk, one way or another. Just like the rest of the world, I guess I'll either manage to wake up properly right now, or I'll just keep suffering until I do.. Whatever the case, all there is is lessons, right?
If nothing else, I guess I'm at least managing to hold on. AND I got to write this right now. That's.. something
