Should I ditch my father?

[cassandra]

Yes folks, I think you are right after all. I didn't like some of the replies at first, but deep down I know it's the truth. That is why I needed to air this problem
and get rid of it for good. I think I do feel boring around him, but I don't have this feeling around most people, except around some men of a certain age.
" Ditch" sounds horribly callous, spoiled and plain bitchy.
Thank you guys for letting me share. I think perhaps it did some good and helped me to see that indeed my adolescent self can let go and I can lighten up, grow up and not take myself so seriously! (Lesson in process of being learned.)

 

[Alada]

My problem is that he doesn't like me. He thinks me a bore, stupid and plain. Although he never says it directly, he just finds it hard to have a conversation with me. It' s all very subtle.

All of this is imagination, programs running. Geeze, when I think of the energy I've wasted myself running programs imagining what other people think of me. Only to then wonder why some people or situations can be so draining. Point being, we really shouldn't waste so much of our own energy uselessly imagining things.

If your father is so difficult or unpleasant to be around, sure you could limit your visits that would make sense, but there's probably a whole lot more you can do to make the visits easier by working on yourself. If we can be in a situation that makes our programs run, produces friction in us, and remember that that is what is happening - while it is happening - then there's something very useful there to work with.

Quite often it's tempting to emotionally think that the way to resolve such a problem is to avoid it. Well that's one way, but does anything in us change by it? As Anart has pointed out, try to see yourself in what you have written, or more precisely, see your programs running. Work on what you see in yourself first, it's more than half the battle right there. If you can get a handle on what it is in yourself that's being set off with each visit, you might get a better idea of what it is you ought to do to resolve things.

 

[cassandra]

Thanks Alada. I do begin to see the program. Good old self-importance. Just last time we all met at the golf restaurant for my stepmothers bday, I saw my father looking longingly out of the window. Well, obviously he was sacrificing his afternoon too. I think I can really conquer that one, but I have a major problem with boredom too. How to occupy my mind for 2 odd hours during those meetings? That is a big challenge for me too, nodding at my stepmother, who does all the talking, me smiling, raising eyebrows, politely at absolute BS. That I do find very draining. Discipline, I know! Other people manage. But how?? That would be an enormous step toward self-improvement. I sing songs in my head, stare discreetly at other people, but it's soooo boring. Self-importance again?
Incidentally, my father is a little better on his own. Everyone finds my SM trying. I think I will have to look up strategies for dealing with this.
And thank you once again every one for your time. I do appreciate it.
I am very ashamed of the title as well.

 

[truth seeker]

In fact as would-be STO candidates what happens when our narcissistic parents get old and need our help? Do we continue to ignore them?

I'm currently in this situation. I won't pretend it's always easy because it's not but in my situation, the answer seems to be to try and be there for them if possible. When we have not been parented in the way we would have wanted to and have found ourselves being asked to unfairly give as children that which we should have been given, it can be quite maddening to find ourselves having to dig deep and give yet again.

When we are the ones who know better, the onus lies with us to be the better person. Many times that involves being the parent we wish we would have had. Easier said than done but for what it's worth.

How to occupy my mind for 2 odd hours during those meetings? That is a big challenge for me too, nodding at my stepmother, who does all the talking, me smiling, raising eyebrows, politely at absolute BS. That I do find very draining. Discipline, I know! Other people manage. But how?? That would be an enormous step toward self-improvement. I sing songs in my head, stare discreetly at other people, but it's soooo boring. Self-importance again?

Take note, you find him boring and 'think' he finds you boring. Interesting, no? ;)

In my case, I'll ask questions. Many times, people don't feel as if they have enough people to talk to and like it when others are interested in what they think. Every now and then, they may say something regarding their past or even touch upon something that strikes a cord between the two of you. Sometimes it will be 'boring' but remember, you're doing this for him, not you.

Ask him something about golf or one of his other interests. Try to observe what he says and how he acts and see if you can notice similar traits. You may find you have more in common than you think. Many times, what we 'think' we most dislike about others are the same things we really dislike about ourselves. My 2 cents.

 

[cassandra]

Hi truth seeker (i notice a lot of names with small letters)
Yes, it is hard isn't it. Hope it will get easier, then a lot will have changed for the good. My father's not a big talker, I'm afraid, but his wife is the very opposite. I do talk about what's going on politically , but the conversation lasts a couple of phrases at most. I think men can accept better when other men don't talk a lot.
Funny, my husband's mother's boyfriend is a very kind man, but he also can and does talk the hind leg off a donkey. I like him a lot, but must simply run away after about an hour of his company. Again, although numb after an hour or two, my husband copes admirably outwardly anyway, and is a great actor with most difficult people and has fantastic discipline. It drains him though.
Anyway, i have much to think about, accepting what is, without being all bitter, is what i have to do.

 

[RedFox]

Hi Cassandra
When I was at school I was 'bored' all the time. I've also noticed that (for example) kids who like computer games get 'bored' when not playing computer games.
Boredom can be a cover (buffer/disassociation) to other states and emotions, and stress caused by them.

You've noted that during this boredom you try and occupy your mind with 'other things', are you able to say what your body feels like and what its posture is in this state? And what your emotions are doing?
Perhaps try some pipe breathing (from the EE program) before the next meeting and see if this helps?

I have always felt anxious around new people (until recently), and would be constantly thinking about what they must be thinking. I'd see them get uneasy and quiet and assume it was me making them uncomfortable. Ironically it was me tensing up from being stressed and thinking they must be thinking bad things about me that made them uncomfortable - that is if they where even remotely aware of my state and not worrying about what I was thinking about them.

Being relaxed and comfortable around people can allow for a space to open up in which they can express themself more easily, so it may be worth looking at what may be making you stressed and uncomfortable. At the very least the 'silences' aren't as much of a problem for you when you are relaxed about them.

 

[cubbex]

Iti looks a lot like my relation with my father, that is not a monster... he is just, a little schizoid or narcissistic, or just have some expectatives or his son, I think he wants me into a cage.

What I see is that he will never change, and really, who cares??? I am not god to be changin him, and if he hurts me all I may do is say thanks and goodbye, just like that, he is draining, and as you said I was not an innocent son, or pure, I had troubles. I was not just what he expected, because of lot of things.

I recommend you to look at the situation and if you can talk it with your father, if he is aware of what he is doing, if you can do it in perso, write it to him, and ask him, I did it that way because my father paralyzes myself when I try to talk to him, because he has really good argumentations but he do not never let me talk to him LOL is just his ideas, and when he asks me for the reasons, he avoid them and have an stupid excuse for them, or he do it in a rude way that I cannot just think, it looks like he is waiting just an excuse to beat me with all his story he was kind of keeping as bullets.

I don't really feel that you should feel pity or something similar for him, if he did you react in that way is because of some reason, but is has no sense and no real purpose (if you do what I did) to feel resentment for him.

Hi Cassandra, You say your children and husband have a good relationship with your father. You say you are working on self-importance, but you don't get along with your father. OK--You are going to deprive your children of contact with their grandfather because it all about you. It seems a perfect opportunity for you to work on observing your self-importance, playing the role of a good parent and not identifying with your hurt feelings. Perhaps time will heal the wound between you and your father. I wish you well in not harming your children, as your father harmed you with his self-centered life.

Echo for this, I have seen in other cases where the grandparents and grandchild's have a good relationship, in relationships were the gandparent didn't have a good relationship with his daughter/son, like if they didn't have to control something or like som release I don't really understand it, I mean I remember the causes and opinions from those relationships, but what is the psychological reason of it. But I think that if you let your childreen have contact with your father the only thing you may do is take care of the bad influence on them, if there exist one.

 

[Aya]

Hi Cassandra

Anyway, i have much to think about, accepting what is, without being all bitter, is what i have to do.

Yes, it's hard to accept him as he is when we still have programs on our own. But we have to keep trying. My father is narcissistic, too. I could see him as he was only after started reading psychology books.(Narcissism "Big Five" : I am still working on to fully understand the dynamics of narcissistic behaviors.)
After that I began to feel much more empathy for my father because he had raised by narcissistic parents as well.

What I see is that he will never change, and really, who cares??? I am not god to be changing him, and if he hurts me all I may do is say thanks and goodbye, just like that, he is draining, and as you said I was not an innocent son, or pure, I had troubles. I was not just what he expected, because of lot of things.

I agree that you should minimize unhealthy "draining" relationship whenever you can. But it is good to try not believe your internal talk and look situation objectively (plus external consideration) so that you can learn to stop him taking your energy. I think "cutting him off" right away will not help you as well as your children and your family.

 

[cassandra]

Hi Brunauld and Aya,
Sorry I have not replied. I need to do a lot of thinking. Not just about being selfish here, but also selfishness in other areas. I need to rethink everything, and will take time to study this thread more carefully. In a daze right now, but a shock is what I needed.

 

[laststop]

Ditch him!

 

[mkrnhr]

Ditch him!

This is not an answer. Do you have a valuable input based upon experience and knowledge?

 

[cassandra]

No, I won't ditch him. He is not really a bad person deep down, just ignorant and not in touch with himself. He actually can't help it , he simply is not equipped with the apparatus to love. He had love kicked out of him at a young age and "love" is a four letter word to him. I am luckily able to love, but have to work much harder. I have to face up to myself, there's the real battle.
I have had such thought-loops with this subject, but have gained insight.
Big thanks!

 

[cubbex]

Hi Brunauld and Aya,
Sorry I have not replied. I need to do a lot of thinking. Not just about being selfish here, but also selfishness in other areas. I need to rethink everything, and will take time to study this thread more carefully. In a daze right now, but a shock is what I needed.

It is not selfish to not answer. Selfish would be to not think and apply the knowledge or advices in this thread, and you are not doing that, you are learning and appreciating folks answers.