Should you "out" a Sociopath? Help please!

[CurtisL]

Hello:

I found this forum searching for contact information on Dr. Martha Stout.

This could be long winded so I will try to keep it to the facts.

I have a 26 year old son that has been estranged from our family for several years. I came across his MySpace page about a year ago and have been reading his and his girlfriend/wife’s page and it sadly appears he is pretending to be someone he is not and after doing some research, I believe he is a sociopath based on what I currently know and reviewing the past history with him.

In high school he would lie about anything - some were so unbelievable and easily to detect. He used to get grounded quite often for this and eventually moved out during his final year of high school (he was a year behind so turned 18 early for a junior.

He jumped from one girlfriend relationship to another. I recall that one relationship he was deeply in ended abruptly and the very next day he bought a new girlfriend a very expensive ring and was deeply involved immediately. It lasted about a week or two and we learned later from the mother of the girl that he told them he was raised by an uncle in Texas, we did not exist. At the time I thought that was bizarre and wanted to know if he ended up marrying her, how would he explain us or would he just move on to a new life elsewhere. I never got to ask the question as he joined the Marines.

He made it through boot camp, we (immediate family) went to his graduation to support him and he then went AWOL during basic training, got caught and spent several months in the brig before receiving a less then and/or dishonorable discharge. He lied to us the entire time about what was going on and only learned some of this from the Marine's who were looking for him.

He then relocated south, met a new girl and moved with her to Ohio. Got engaged to her and then uninvited his immediate family to the wedding - very hurtful to his mother and brothers.

At this point, July 2006 (and still today) he became permanently estranged from any of his family.

Got divorced a short time later and went back to Florida.

Met a new girl and moved with her to her grandmother’s house in South Carolina, where he resides today.

On MySpace, he wears ball caps that read he is an Operation Iraqi Freedom veteran. First, his actual age doesn’t make that possible since that campaign started March 2003 and he went to boot camp in December 2004.

He got married sometime over the past few months and I found the marriage license online. He did record his actual DOB so I don’t understand how his new wife did not see that as a red flag.

She seems like a very nice enthusiastic young lady and has made some remarks on her profile that show to me he is lying and playing with her emotions.

One remark is that he snuck up behind her and said he could have killed her and she remarked something like “ahh, the wife of a Marine Sniper”. He obviously wasn’t a Marine Sniper but she apparently thinks so.

Another recent remark she said is that “if he really rejoins the Marines again for another tour, he will not have to worry about dying over there as I will kill him!” So it appears to me he is trying to get her emotions up that he might leave her for the Marines (when they would NEVER take him back) and/or he is planning on exiting the relationship and just laying the groundwork.

Ok, so as I have been carrying this burden for many months and I often wonder if I should anonymously inform her of the apparent lies. My concerns are that I could cause her greater turmoil (after studying Sociopaths) and more importantly, if I save her from any more of this, am I not just sadly setting up the next female victim?
What is the right thing to do please?

Thanks in advance.

 

[CurtisL]

No edit feature?

Edit: I did ask him after boot camp why he told that one girl he was raised by an Uncle in Texas and he had no reply.

Addition: On his MySpace page he shows he is 2 years older then his actual age - I assume that it to make the timeline work for Operation Iraqi Freedom.

 

[Jacques]

Hi Curtist,

Welcome to our forum. :)

We recommend all new members to post an introduction in the Newbies section telling us a bit about themselves, how they found the cass material, and how much of the work here they have read.

You can have a look through that board to see how others have done it.

 

[CurtisL]

Ok sir - I guess I incorrectly thought I could get advice here as searching on the Net my subject "should you out a sociopath and Martha Stout" led me here.

Can you please just delete my post?

Thanks.

 

[Laura]

If he is not attacking you, leave him alone and count your blessings.

 

[anart]

Hi Curtis,

Unfortunately, this young lady is going to have to figure it out on her own, because she's in his clutches and she'd likely not believe you anyway. It's a horrible situation and I wish it were easier, but it's just not.

The response you received from Gandalf was not intended to be rude, so apologies that it might have come across as a pat response or something.

Martha Stout's work is very valuable and there are many other resources on this forum if you search 'psychopathy'. I wish you luck.

 

[mcb]

I don't think you can "out" someone for being something that nobody understands (or at least misunderstands).

In my personal encounters, I have found it better not to try to educate other people about psychopathy. With one individual that I had to deal with for quite some time, I did warn one particular other person about specific behaviors, and she saw the light and stayed away in spite of this individual's signature "friendly" advances.

When I tried to warn a larger group of people (an organization), however, they saw it as an attack against the individual because they were not able to see a problem, and eventually the organization was destroyed. It was already hard-hit and starting to come apart when I came along, but no one else still there was even aware of the details of the history of the organization and what this person had already done to destroy it. People simply couldn't see what was happening in front of them.

All I can suggest for now is to educate yourself as much as possible. Each situation is unique.

 

[CurtisL]

Hi Curtis,

Unfortunately, this young lady is going to have to figure it out on her own, because she's in his clutches and she'd likely not believe you anyway. It's a horrible situation and I wish it were easier, but it's just not.

The response you received from Gandalf was not intended to be rude, so apologies that it might have come across as a pat response or something.

Martha Stout's work is very valuable and there are many other resources on this forum if you search 'psychopathy'. I wish you luck.

Thanks for the reply. I did not take Gandalf's reply as being rude but I did take it that I needed to be some sort of researcher and/or expert to participate and my bio (being told to post in the Newbie section) would not be impressive to any of you folks at all. ;)

I have tried to search within these forums and via Google for answers to my particular question(s) to no avail besides the few within this thread that suggest I just stay out of it. So for now, I shall heed that advice, just feel sad for the young lady. :(

Thanks again,
Curtis

 

[anart]

Hi Curtis,

Unfortunately, this young lady is going to have to figure it out on her own, because she's in his clutches and she'd likely not believe you anyway. It's a horrible situation and I wish it were easier, but it's just not.

The response you received from Gandalf was not intended to be rude, so apologies that it might have come across as a pat response or something.

Martha Stout's work is very valuable and there are many other resources on this forum if you search 'psychopathy'. I wish you luck.

Thanks for the reply. I did not take Gandalf's reply as being rude but I did take it that I needed to be some sort of researcher and/or expert to participate and my bio (being told to post in the Newbie section) would not be impressive to any of you folks at all. ;)

No worries about any of that. All that is necessary to participate here is a desire to figure out what is really going on in the world and deviant human psychology is a big part of that puzzle. This is a public forum, so the only reason an intro was requested was just to give you a chance to say, "hi" - no personal information is necessary.

I have tried to search within these forums and via Google for answers to my particular question(s) to no avail besides the few within this thread that suggest I just stay out of it. So for now, I shall heed that advice, just feel sad for the young lady. :(

Thanks again,
Curtis

I feel sad for her too - I've been her, actually, with slight differences in details. Pathology is ultimately damaging - all it does is destroy and it does sound like your son is pathological. The problem is being able to really tell whether or not you are able to help or you'll just make matters worse for no benefit at all to anybody. That can be a really hard question to answer.

 

[Bar Kochba]

If you were to tell her about him, she most likely would not believe you, as was already pointed out. AND, she would most likely tell HIM what you tried to do, which most likely would turn his attention to YOU. And you do not want that. There may be people fully equipped to deal with sociopaths, but rarely do they bnme out of the situation umscathed. And if you are not equipped, then... You wont know what hit you. FWIW

 

[thevenusian]

Welcome to the forum, CurtisL. Sorry to hear about your situation. Just a note on searching the forum- something that often trips up newcomers. When you do a search, be sure the little drop-down menu reads 'entire forum'. That will give you the widest search. It defaults to 'this topic', which will only search the current thread. Good luck!

 

[CurtisL]

If you were to tell her about him, she most likely would not believe you, as was already pointed out. AND, she would most likely tell HIM what you tried to do, which most likely would turn his attention to YOU. And you do not want that. There may be people fully equipped to deal with sociopaths, but rarely do they bnme out of the situation umscathed. And if you are not equipped, then... You wont know what hit you. FWIW

I wish to reiterate that if I were to "out" him, it would be anonymous (via email) and I would only provide information that he did not serve in the Marines like she believes and that might start the process for her to get out of the relationship.

Also, I am not worried about him turning his attention to me at all as he has intentionally removed himself from ALL family because he is pretending to be someone his entire family knows he is not.

He would just take this as a learning experience (if he figures out how someone outed him) and quit posting on social media sites and probably make his next girlfriend/wife/victim also stay off such sites.

 

[CurtisL]

Welcome to the forum, CurtisL. Sorry to hear about your situation. Just a note on searching the forum- something that often trips up newcomers. When you do a search, be sure the little drop-down menu reads 'entire forum'. That will give you the widest search. It defaults to 'this topic', which will only search the current thread. Good luck!

I tried that and no success. Any other word suggestions for "outing" someone if you know they are toiling with someone’s emotions and their life is based on lies but you are only watching from afar?

 

[thevenusian]

I tried that and no success. Any other word suggestions for "outing" someone if you know they are toiling with someone’s emotions and their life is based on lies but you are only watching from afar?

This could be a good opportunity for you to examine why you want to 'out' your son. If you are like most of us, especially given that there is likely a history of conflict with your family member, there are probably many threads of complicated motivators running loose in there. The emotional ones are the most potentially dangerous to act on (for you), IMHO. In any event, since you quite likely may unleash a firestorm of attack against you should you decide to proceed in an 'outing', it might be best to take some time and inform yourself as much as possible, examine your motives deeply, and prepare a solid strategy which includes protecting yourself before deciding to do anything. It might be worth considering that even if you succeed in outing him this time, what about the next time, and the time after that?

mod fixed quotes

 

[Gimpy]

Welcome to the forum, CurtisL. Sorry to hear about your situation. Just a note on searching the forum- something that often trips up newcomers. When you do a search, be sure the little drop-down menu reads 'entire forum'. That will give you the widest search. It defaults to 'this topic', which will only search the current thread. Good luck!

I tried that and no success. Any other word suggestions for "outing" someone if you know they are toiling with someone’s emotions and their life is based on lies but you are only watching from afar?

It is not your responsibility to chase after your son and try to fix the damage he does. He's an adult, and will have to pay the piper on his own.