Sister's boyfriend is a psychopath

[Third_Density_Resident]

My sister has been with this guy for about 9 years now, who at first seemed all charming and nice etc., but who revealed the kind of person he is not long afterwards. Everything he has done since has only reinforced my belief that he is a psychopath. Everyone who has ever come to know him has more or less agreed that he rates very highly on the "asshole" scale. The only people who believe he is "nice" or a "good guy" are his friends, and my sister, who he is with. The whole thing wouldn't be half as bad if my sister's daughter (not his daughter) wasn't caught up in the whole mess, and sadly she suffers terribly from his sadistic behaviour. He loves to terrorise her and other children, but at the same time he engages in what can only be called "vulgar" behaviour, such as breathing on them just after he has been sick (i.e. vomited), and lying naked on my niece's bed when she wants to go to sleep, and refusing to move, saying that it's his house and he will do what he wants. He has done numerous other absolutely disgusting things which I can't discuss here, not to mention that twice now, two totally different people have attempted to press charges against him for lewd, inappropriate behaviour towards children.

The real tragedy of the whole thing is that my sister simply cannot see what everyone else around her can. She continues to defend him, saying that in truth he's a "good man" who is simply "misunderstood", despite the fact that she herself has told us, literally over a hundred different times, of all the nasty things this man has put her through (including making her pay for everything, buying his own family cars but not buying her one despite the fact that she's studying and can't make enough money on her own; dropping his own daughter off (from another relationship) at school but making my niece walk even though her school is on the way).

My sister thinks that everyone is "out to get him", when in truth all we want is for her to get away from this evil man. What hurts everyone so much is that she allows this man to make her own daughter miserable; most other normal women would have walked out long ago if their child was treated this way by a boyfriend, but not so in this case. None of us "have tried to get to know him" or "given him a chance", which is the biggest load of rubbish under the sun; in the beginning we gave him plenty of chances.

Many people (women, mostly) who have seen this creep, have been terrified just by his eyes alone -- they have claimed that he stares "right into their souls" and makes them feel very uncomfortable. I have heard that psychopaths have this "ability", or whatever it is, and this is one of the things that has convinced me he must be a psychopath.

Another convincing thing is that he has one friend who I also believe to be a psychopath. This friend has been exposed as being a total con-artist, getting people to pay for services which don't actually exist. Lovely people!

To top it all off, this evil man is the most materialistic person I've even known. He has well over a million dollars, and buys expensive boats, goes out to dinner all the time at fancy restaurants (but never takes my sister with him!), and more or less brags how wonderful he is for having so much stuff. To him his children are his possessions, they are not human beings to be loved.

He is also a shocking liar. A couple of years back he made up some story about how he had "heard" that my mother said something highly offensive to his mother. It turns out the whole thing was an absolute fabrication; my mother had never even spoken to his mother at that point in time. We never worked out who would have said such a thing, but we suspected all along that he made it up to cause trouble. Aside from lying, he never directly answers a question, and is always so calm and rational, no matter how heated a situation gets.

Anyway, I could go on and on ad nauseam, but I think you all get the idea.

The whole point of this post is simple: What do we (her family) do in such a situation?

My niece is the nicest little girl you could ever meet (she's 11), and yet she is made to put up with such a horrible person, and has now even been gagged from ever talking about certain "issues" to friends at school, and if she does, she will be "punished". I spoke with my sister the other day, and more or less got straight to the point. I said, "I have read an awful lot about a certain group of people in society with such-and-such traits (all of which match her boyfriend almost perfectly), and I believe your boyfriend is one such person. I suggest you read up on the topic yourself and try to disprove all of this for your own benefit and protection." All I got in reply was that everyone in the family had more or less been against her and she doesn't want much more to do with us. I have thought about directing her to various sources on psychopathy, but she is likey to either not read them at all, or if she does, not see that his behaviour is like that behaviour of a psychopath.

 

[Third_Density_Resident]

I just read a post under the "Books" section of the forum, and I think Appollynon has pretty much described the kind of person my sister is:

...I also noticed that in almost every case the young women I've been talking about [in relationships with psychopaths] were almost completely devoid of any self confidence and form of self worth. (Emphasis, mine.)

Yep, that's her alright.

I may be wrong here, but I do believe that one of the traits of the psychopaths I had been seeing in common was to deliberately demean and put-down the women in their lives to an extent that any confidence and self worth they had was sucked away. This meant that the women then thought in most cases that they were so wretched a being and such a low form of life that they were in fact lucky to be with these psychopaths!!! Also it led to the women thinking that they would never be looked upon as the type of woman any other human (be it man or woman) would ever be interested in or spend any time with as they were in some way tainted, dirty or unfit for love from any other. (Emphasis, mine.)

While the man she is with does not physically abuse her in any way, the psychological torment is just as bad. It is demeaning to the point of wretchedness on her part, and she is definitely afraid that if she ever left him, she would never be good enough for any other. I do believe he has even said as much on several occasions in the past. My sister certainly feels lucky to be with him, too, even though she always appears mentally and physically tormented to everyone around her.

Even when I had tried to point out to these women that they were being obviously and deliberately hurt to make their companions feel better or gain a hold over them, they would deny the plain facts and rigorously defend the psychos they were in relationships with.

With my sister, the same thing has happened over, and over, and over. Defending him is her forte, even though many times she has criticised him harshly -- it all depends on what suits her at the time. The fact that she is capable of criticism makes me think that a part of her deep down recognises the whole sorry situation for what it is and wants out, but sadly this part of her is greatly dwarfed by that part which defends him ridiculously to the point of absurdity. She is programmed, without doubt.

As I got older I begun to learn (much to my disappointment and chagrin) that these women simply could not and would not be helped or indeed help themselves. [...] I look at people's actions and say "If anyone is deliberately hurting anyone else in a relationship, and after they have been told that they are having such an effect, continue this type of behaviour, then they are already a lost cause and no amount of anything (Love or time) will help them".

Alas, this is what I feared would be true. Like I said in my previous post, the whole situation wouldn't be half as bad if it didn't involve an innocent child who has no one (except extended family) to speak up for her. My sister is a changed person; she's like a robot with the same words and actions as the psychopath she is with. Only during a few times in the past, when she has spent a couple of days away from him, have we all seen a faint glimmer of that former happy and bright person we once knew. But I feel that her former self has disappeared altogether now, and it breaks my heart to think that this is the life she has willingly chosen.

 

[Ruth]

My niece is the nicest little girl you could ever meet (she's 11), and yet she is made to put up with such a horrible person, and has now even been gagged from ever talking about certain "issues" to friends at school, and if she does, she will be "punished". I spoke with my sister the other day, and more or less got straight to the point. I said, "I have read an awful lot about a certain group of people in society with such-and-such traits (all of which match her boyfriend almost perfectly), and I believe your boyfriend is one such person. I suggest you read up on the topic yourself and try to disprove all of this for your own benefit and protection." All I got in reply was that everyone in the family had more or less been against her and she doesn't want much more to do with us. I have thought about directing her to various sources on psychopathy, but she is likey to either not read them at all, or if she does, not see that his behaviour is like that behaviour of a psychopath.

Perhaps your niece needs to know this information? She is probably old enough to understand that some people aren't quite 'normal'. You could tell her 'in confidence' that she can come and speak to you about any matter and that she won't be 'punished' and neither will you tell her mother that she has spoken with you.

Children need to be protected and she obviously can't be protected through or via her mother, so I would suggest that you just be 'there' for her if she needs some place safe to go, or a person to talk to. I would also suggest that you could discuss what a psychopath is with her.

It would probably be a mistake to let her know how annoyed you are with her mother and instead, just keep to the facts. Its best not to critisise a child's mother to the child, it only confuses them and makes them feel 'disloyal'.

I wonder if your niece has a father who is interested in her welfare, or has your sister 'stuck to type' in her choice of partners? The childs other parent can often be an ally in these matters... if he's sensible.

 

[Third_Density_Resident]

Thanks for your advice, Ruth. The idea of telling my niece about psychopaths makes sense, and since it is factual, and not based on emotions, it won't incorporate any bias which could be used by my sister to widen the gap between my niece and the rest of her family. I will definitely always be there for her, and luckily she has some very close family, such as a cousin (her best friend), aunt, two uncles (including me), a great aunt, and two very caring grandparents (my parents). I sent my niece an e-mail the other day, and I nearly did express my opinions about her mother, but at the last minute something told me not to.

You asked about her real father -- well therein lies even more of the tragedy. You see, he may well be a psychopath also, but I really don't know. He seems like someone who couldn't care less about his real daughter, and is more concerned about himself. He only calls her when it suits him (practically never), and now she is beginning to realise that he, too, doesn't really love her. So given that my niece's real parents are ruining this child's life (whether consciously or not), it is a good thing that her aforementioned family are there for her.

And you pretty much hit the nail on the head when you asked if my sister has "stuck to type". Indeed she has. Sadly my sister has always been an extremely poor judge of character, as evidenced by the type of friends she made at school.

 

[Ruth]

<snip>I sent my niece an e-mail the other day, and I nearly did express my opinions about her mother, but at the last minute something told me not to.

Good, its part of your nieces (and probably her mother's) learning 'karma' (tasks?) to 'discover' for themselves the patterns that lie behind their current life circumstances. And this can only be done in their own time, because otherwise it will not be learned or even heard, when someone says it.

You asked about her real father -- well therein lies even more of the tragedy. You see, he may well be a psychopath also, but I really don't know. He seems like someone who couldn't care less about his real daughter, and is more concerned about himself. He only calls her when it suits him (practically never), and now she is beginning to realise that he, too, doesn't really love her. So given that my niece's real parents are ruining this child's life (whether consciously or not), it is a good thing that her aforementioned family are there for her.

Of course. Your niece is lucky she has so many people being observant and vigilant in defence of her welfare.

Unfortunately it sounds like he is a psychopath. Again, this is not something people are willing or even able to hear until they are ready to hear it. These people (psychopaths) truly can not help the way they are. Its a good idea to read Cleckley if you're interested.
http://www.cassiopaea.org/cass/sanity_1.PdF

It is my opinion that they ALWAYS gravitate towards the same sort of people (their victims), in the same way that a bird gravitates towards a surface which it can land on. In some way (perhaps it is karma) their 'victims' seem to 'attract' them. Maybe their victims need to learn how not to attract them... or at least be able to tell those psychopaths to 'take a hike'...

Telling children (and family) is a very 'delicate' undertaking. Sometimes its best to just make the information available (Like saying: "Oh boy! Isn't this interesting?, What do you think?", type of thing) and let them make their own 'connections' between information and their own circumstances ... in their own time, of course. It pays not to be judgemental or you may loose your loved ones to a psychopath.

And you pretty much hit the nail on the head when you asked if my sister has "stuck to type". Indeed she has. Sadly my sister has always been an extremely poor judge of character, as evidenced by the type of friends she made at school.

Unfortunately nobody can 'make' her be a better judge of character (I wish it was that simple). All a person can do is 'be there' for others, when necessary, and not to their own cost (which is something we often have trouble gaugeing here in 3d). I think you are in a good position to be able to help your neice. You'll probably find that if you are 'there' for her, she will often come to you to 'find stuff out' ...

Good luck in being a subtle advocate for others.