Some progress and regress.

[Gawan]

I just like to write about some things, what at the present moment boggles me a little.
Actually I wanted to write about this some weeks ago, but different things happened, that I shoved it off.

At the moment I'm also a little bit under a pressure: I'm looking for a new flat, have to write a paper for university, time is growing shorter and shorter to finish it, programs of distraction (of not doing it) and my body works not that well.

It have been weeks too with minor depressions, anxiety, good feelings, hope, to give all up thoughts, nothing makes sense... Actually a good rite, to write it literally.


Here are some written thoughts, of what I wrote over the last weeks:

There are two.

There are lies within myself.

Always I believe in myself. Identification.

I take myself too serious.

A fight.

A game that is lost in self-pity, loneliness and a feeling of not to be able to learn to change my inner view.

Two strong programmes: to be recognised, and to think everyone is against me.

One big struggle.

Since some days, almost a week I'm feeling miserable. Nothing makes sense anymore the -work-, the forum is so far away. I give up, I don't want to fight anymore. It's like sitting in a dark cloud, where I'm not able to feel lucky anymore.
I think I'm in a big or bigger depression in, two days ago I had panic attacks, about the future.

It is like an endless battle within myself, I'm too weak, programs rule over me: self-importance, still the belief in myself, taking everything too serious, looking for approval but nothing comes back, or mainly criticism.
Somehow loneliness, seems to be at the root of many of my current feelings. Which is pretty painful, to try to sort out everything by myself, which I have done all over the years...

Somehow the body plays also such a big role about how to feel and what to feel. What is real, is every feeling just a chemical reaction? It seems to be so. Mainly my body caused havocs in the last weeks, I couldn't feel good, because the chemistry is and was out of balance, where I'm still searching what it is. By some means inner processes are related to what the body can or does feel in addition.

It is something similar about what Laura wrote:

As Kevin Costner said in JFK: "Black is white, up is down. Is what are you examining a reflection, or is it real?"

Today I tested if I can tolerate milk, so I drank two glasses in the morning and this has been not a good plan doing so. I felt miserable the whole day, couldn't work on my paper again.

If everything are lessons, there must be something to learn from it. Maybe also when my body feels miserable not to give in too much, getting angry against my body, but instead relaxing and breathing, also when it seems a hard task doing so.



I think it is time, to get ready for the EE program tonight.

Thanks for reading.

 

[cholas]

Hi Gawan.
It could very well be that in practicing the elimination diet your body will undergo some chemical transitions which might be uncomfortable to say the least.

Along those lines, from what I understand, in reintroducing 'bad' foods back into your body, the reactions could be devastating or at least send explosive little red flags your way.

The self-importance identification is something I imagine most of us are dealing with and, speaking from recent experience, can and does lay us out for days at a time. Especially when a potential breakthrough is near.

(Not to mention various forms of attack.....)

Best to you and keep up the good work.

BTW sure like your new avatar.

 

[Nienna]

Gawan, have you done the UltraMind Solution Quizzes yet? If not, you may want to do them and e-mail the results to Psyche and see if she can set you up with a supplement plan.

Also, what Cholas has written about reactions to foods you are sensitive to is spot-on.

Maybe until your paper is written, you should not introduce anymore foods back into your diet. That way there shouldn't be any reactions.

If you are doing the entire EE program, you may want to cut out the Baha portion and only do the pipe breathing and POTS. And if at all possible, take a walk. This is really good for you. It gets some good feelings going.

And, lastly, know that you are not really alone. We are here and we care.

 

[Cyre2067]

Hey Gawan, Just take it easy. There's been a big dark cloud stalking a lot of us lately, it seems to be a shift in the air, or just plane bad juju. I've had really low energy all week, non-stop distractions, interruptions, roommate/work/relationship drama, it's like someone threw me into the blender. You're not alone in this, and definitely watch your diet and take extra vigilance with what you eat.

Part of my low energy was using some lemon juice that I thought was mine, but ended up being in the fridge for months! Once I stopped making my lemonade with it I felt much better and got some of my energy back. So please, take extra care and check in as needed.

 

[tykes]

And, lastly, know that you are not really alone. We are here and we care.

Absolutely beautiful!

 

[Oxajil]

Hi Gawan,

At the moment I'm also a little bit under a pressure: I'm looking for a new flat, have to write a paper for university, time is growing shorter and shorter to finish it, programs of distraction (of not doing it) and my body works not that well.

It have been weeks too with minor depressions, anxiety, good feelings, hope, to give all up thoughts, nothing makes sense... Actually a good rite, to write it literally.

Hold on Gawan. Try to keep a Positive Mental Attitude (at least in the back of your mind) and try to push yourself to write that paper, once it will be done you'll have more relief and perhaps a bit more energy.

Here are some written thoughts, of what I wrote over the last weeks:

There are two.

There are lies within myself.

Always I believe in myself. Identification.

I take myself too serious.

A fight.

A game that is lost in self-pity, loneliness and a feeling of not to be able to learn to change my inner view.

Two strong programmes: to be recognised, and to think everyone is against me.

One big struggle.

Since some days, almost a week I'm feeling miserable. Nothing makes sense anymore the -work-, the forum is so far away. I give up, I don't want to fight anymore. It's like sitting in a dark cloud, where I'm not able to feel lucky anymore.
I think I'm in a big or bigger depression in, two days ago I had panic attacks, about the future.

It is like an endless battle within myself, I'm too weak, programs rule over me: self-importance, still the belief in myself, taking everything too serious, looking for approval but nothing comes back, or mainly criticism.
Somehow loneliness, seems to be at the root of many of my current feelings. Which is pretty painful, to try to sort out everything by myself, which I have done all over the years...

Hmm Gawan. I can share this with you (probably things you already know, but maybe good for a reminder?):

There are many things we would want, at least some parts of us do.
Is it worth it if we continuously desire to have and by chance get what we want? Or is it more worth to choose to give and receive?
To be okay with what we have and to try to Do with what we have.

Will you see your life, your loneliness, as a curse? Or will you see it as an opportunity to learn and to grow?

You wrote down that you felt like sitting in a dark cloud. Whenever you see yourself sitting there, think for some moments at least that ''I will overcome this, I will not give up''. And even if you do things you do not like, or you think about things you do not like, or make mistakes, always or on some moments keep in the back of your mind that you will overcome.
If you give up already, then most hope will disappear. This is what the Pleia's said:

You are a result of your thoughts. If there is nothing else you learn on
this planet, you will learn that this is the rule in this reality and
the rule of many other realities. /Thought creates experience. /Why not
give yourself a gift and begin to think of yourself in a capacity that
is exceptional, magnificent, and uplifting; free yourselves from the
need to have the rest of society agree with you. /Validate yourselves.
/For some of you, this is very difficult. How do you validate yourself
when you are in the habit of not doing it?

Your words are either empowering or disempowering. We want you to have
the courage to live your light, so we want to emphasize to you and
convince you in whatever way possible that your thoughts formulate your
world. Eliminate the words /should /and /trying /from your vocabulary.
If you were to pay money every time you say these words, you would be in
great debt. You are in a great debt of disempowerment or impotence.
/Should /implies that you are operating under someone else's
sovereignty. We would like to remind you that you are sovereign unto
yourself.

If someone is /trying /to put out a newsletter or /trying /to change
their patterns, they can try for the rest of their life. /Trying /is not
/doing. /Whenever you use the word /trying, /you will not accomplish
anything because trying is an excuse: "I tried to do it. I tried. I
tried." In your own life, use the words "I am creating," "I am doing,"
"I am manifesting," "I am intending," and "I am bringing about." Forget
"I am trying."

I also ask the Divine Cosmic Mind for help when I'm having a depression or when things don't go that well.
Depressions are hard, but I think they're part of the process of the 3D STS life..

And in these dark periods we can also learn a lot. If we pay attention to ourselves. It's a very good thing that you write down your thoughts and your feelings, try to write down more for yourself or if you don't like to write, you could also record yourself. And after your depression or during your depression you could listen or read your thoughts, contemplate about it, maybe talk about it on the forum like you do.

Your post which is made here gives me a sign that you have Not given up. And I think that's very nice!

--

Depressions will come and go it seems. And I think they are great moments of learning something. If Self-Importance takes over and you are really unable to do something, tell yourself it's okay, but Observe how it acts! And try to not let it go next time. The only way I learned to deal with my I's is to know what they want and when they (want to) come out. Only then I knew for sure what to do to suppress them. Which is still difficult. (I's can also be observed without letting them out)

And there IS an endless battle going on. In every one of us.

Somehow the body plays also such a big role about how to feel and what to feel. What is real, is every feeling just a chemical reaction? It seems to be so. Mainly my body caused havocs in the last weeks, I couldn't feel good, because the chemistry is and was out of balance, where I'm still searching what it is. By some means inner processes are related to what the body can or does feel in addition.

It is something similar about what Laura wrote:

As Kevin Costner said in JFK: "Black is white, up is down. Is what are you examining a reflection, or is it real?"

Today I tested if I can tolerate milk, so I drank two glasses in the morning and this has been not a good plan doing so. I felt miserable the whole day, couldn't work on my paper again.

If everything are lessons, there must be something to learn from it. Maybe also when my body feels miserable not to give in too much, getting angry against my body, but instead relaxing and breathing, also when it seems a hard task doing so.

I think it is time, to get ready for the EE program tonight.

Thanks for reading.

I think it's great to relax and breath instead of getting angry against your body.

When I learned how things work in my body I started to appreciate it a lot more. Every cell in our bodies is beautifully working (or trying to work) to ''help'' us keep going as we go. Our body is our home, we can either not care about why things look so messy and also be angry at the house for this or we can take responsibility for ourselves and start cleaning the house.

So I think it's great that you test and such. There is no need to be angry at the body, because we are the ones who are in them and we are partially responsible for them.
And there is no need to be angry at ourselves when we take something in that hurts the body (perhaps for a moment; realizing it is not something we want to do), it will be just an opportunity to learn from it and hopefully grow.

--

Depressions and dark periods are not the easiest.. Hang on Gawan, you're not alone.

I will join you with EE !

(Sorry for the long post, for what it is worth)

 

[Mona]

Gawan,
Hang in there. You will probably go through a lot of these emotional upheavals. I think most of us do. Sometimes I feel like screaming, fortunately I don't like to do that so I isolate myself for a few days and then I am OK again. What really helps me is when I remind myself that those depressing mood swings might just be the cause of something that is on the outside, and then I am able to control my negative feelings more easily. In my younger years I used to be so depressed that I did not want to get up in the morning, I used to fantasize about killing myself, and I actually, this is a little sick, but I used to stock up on sleeping pills (I would lie to my doctor that I was stressed out at work and had insomnia). The funny thing is that I never took those sleeping pills or antidepressants that my doc prescribed. As a matter of fact I hated all drugs, and I still do to this day. I was just going through hell at the time, and I could not find the help that I truly needed. I was sexually assaulted 15 years ago, and after that event, it seemed that the psychopaths started entering my life at a workplace (my bosses mostly). I though to myself, maybe I was just a horrible person in my past lives and this is what I have chosen in this life. But the thing is when such traumatic events keep on repeating, what is the one who goes through them to do to make it stop.

But it gets better, Gawan, because what you learn here is something no doctor or an expert of any kind in psychiatry will be able to teach you. You can apply all this knowledge in your everyday life and it works. Sometimes you will have disruptions but they are only temporary. Just keep on doing the EE and the detox. By the way, my mother has been doing the sauna detox for her illness. She went for a blood test this week so by next week I should be able to update everyone on how she is doing.

 

[Gawan]

I'm sorry for my late reply.

I started to comment on it, but had little time to finish it and yesterday there has been kind of an emptiness feeling the whole day.

First thing, I really like to thank everyone for their responses!!

Along those lines, from what I understand, in reintroducing 'bad' foods back into your body, the reactions could be devastating or at least send explosive little red flags your way.

I started that experiment cause of curiosity, if I can tolerate milk or not, my expectation has been that maybe side-effects would last only for 3 hrs. So now I know it definetely, that milk is a no-no for me.

(Not to mention various forms of attack.....)

There's been a big dark cloud stalking a lot of us lately, it seems to be a shift in the air, or just plane bad juju. I've had really low energy all week, non-stop distractions, interruptions, roommate/work/relationship drama, it's like someone threw me into the blender.

I can tell yeah, there have been weeks and days, where it could be said that the whole world works against one. ;)

Gawan, have you done the UltraMind Solution Quizzes yet? If not, you may want to do them and e-mail the results to Psyche and see if she can set you up with a supplement plan.

Based on the quizzes I bought already some supplements, but it still looks as if different supplements are missing. But I like to go for that offer, if I may can call it so, and see if a proffesional has an addition/suggestion I haven't or cannot see myself.

Also, what Cholas has written about reactions to foods you are sensitive to is spot-on.

Definetely, I'm in a work out process to find out the stuff I can't tolerate. But at some times I felt so unsure, what I can eat or not without a bad reaction, so that I desperately ate what has been available and was no rice-cracker.

So far, I had today the first day without an intolerance reaction to food (everything without or very low histamine). Where I felt great, motivated and full of energy. Unfortunately there was a flip-side to it, my bloodsugar was uncontrolable again (too high//hyperglycemia), where my body feelt again like crab, sluggish.

Now it's getting back to normal. :)

If you are doing the entire EE program, you may want to cut out the Baha portion and only do the pipe breathing and POTS. And if at all possible, take a walk. This is really good for you. It gets some good feelings going.

That's an good advice and I could have a walk too.

And, lastly, know that you are not really alone. We are here and we care.

Thanks for that and for the picture.

Hold on Gawan. Try to keep a Positive Mental Attitude (at least in the back of your mind) and try to push yourself to write that paper, once it will be done you'll have more relief and perhaps a bit more energy.

It looks like a strong program in my live to loose sight, so to speak. I should stick PMA somewhere. So far it is developing slowly, like a spiral downwards and desperation and hopelesness is the end-result of it. Yesterday I pushed myself to write that paper and I did make some progress. :) Everyday a little bit.

Hmm Gawan. I can share this with you (probably things you already know, but maybe good for a reminder?):

There are many things we would want, at least some parts of us do.
Is it worth it if we continuously desire to have and by chance get what we want? Or is it more worth to choose to give and receive?
To be okay with what we have and to try to Do with what we have.

Will you see your life, your loneliness, as a curse? Or will you see it as an opportunity to learn and to grow?

You wrote down that you felt like sitting in a dark cloud. Whenever you see yourself sitting there, think for some moments at least that ''I will overcome this, I will not give up''. And even if you do things you do not like, or you think about things you do not like, or make mistakes, always or on some moments keep in the back of your mind that you will overcome.
If you give up already, then most hope will disappear. This is what the Pleia's said:

[...]

I try to use is at the present moment.

Okay I corrected myself, I'm using your advice at the present moment. :)

I also ask the Divine Cosmic Mind for help when I'm having a depression or when things don't go that well.
Depressions are hard, but I think they're part of the process of the 3D STS life..

Maybe this is fitting:

Q: (L) My experience has been, over the past couple of years, that
whenever there is a significant increase in knowledge, that it is sort
of cyclical - I go through a depression before I can assimilate - and it
is like an inner transformation from one level to another. Is there
something we can do, and if so, is it desirable, to increase or
facilitate this process in some way?
A: It is a natural process, let it be.

Your post which is made here gives me a sign that you have Not given up. And I think that's very nice!

I'm somehow really resiliant in that matters. :)

Depressions will come and go it seems. And I think they are great moments of learning something. If Self-Importance takes over and you are really unable to do something, tell yourself it's okay, but Observe how it acts! And try to not let it go next time. The only way I learned to deal with my I's is to know what they want and when they (want to) come out. Only then I knew for sure what to do to suppress them. Which is still difficult. (I's can also be observed without letting them out)

That's somehow the most difficult thing to learn, to observe, just to look without intervening.

I think it's great to relax and breath instead of getting angry against your body.

When I learned how things work in my body I started to appreciate it a lot more. Every cell in our bodies is beautifully working (or trying to work) to ''help'' us keep going as we go. Our body is our home, we can either not care about why things look so messy and also be angry at the house for this or we can take responsibility for ourselves and start cleaning the house.

So I think it's great that you test and such. There is no need to be angry at the body, because we are the ones who are in them and we are partially responsible for them.
And there is no need to be angry at ourselves when we take something in that hurts the body (perhaps for a moment; realizing it is not something we want to do), it will be just an opportunity to learn from it and hopefully grow.

--

Depressions and dark periods are not the easiest.. Hang on Gawan, you're not alone.

I will join you with EE !

Thanks for that and you are right about it, that this body is my home.

[...]

But it gets better, Gawan, because what you learn here is something no doctor or an expert of any kind in psychiatry will be able to teach you. You can apply all this knowledge in your everyday life and it works. Sometimes you will have disruptions but they are only temporary. [...]

:) Definetely. I think, there is always a choice...


Well, I have also a picture to share.