Spontaneous recapitulation in response to 'Why the Secrecy?'

[Miss Isness]

After reading 'Why the Secrecy' again, I began to reflect back on my initial experience with cass at casschat. That carried me back further to painful memories of me being the outsider in the group. When I was 8 years old my family moved from California to Oregon, from a suburban town, to a ranch in the country. So, of course I started attending a new school. It's so strange that I always thought that I'd had a relatively easy transition, because looking back on it now I can see it was anything but. Perhaps it's because after our last move back to California, my little sister started on a downward spiral, which ended in her death at age 20. She had fallen in with a group of very badly adjusted girls at her new school and they had an extremely negative influence on her. I guess my transition was smooth relatively speaking.

What I remembered was actually a long drawn out series of being ganged up on by various groups, which sometimes included neighbors that I thought were my friends. It went on for 6 years through 3 school changes all of which separated me from all of my previous classmates, until we moved back to California, where I did my last 3 years of High School. There was taunting, name calling, humiliation, being punched, and being violated by a boy who put his hand under my dress and inside my underwear right in class - I was too ashamed to tell anyone about that. I had tried to tell my mother when the neighbor girl encircled me with her friends on the playground and started punching me, while they shoved me, called me names and tried to get me to fight. I just stood there silently with tears streaming down my face until they got bored with it and broke up the circle. My mother just criticized me for not standing up for myself. After that, I knew better than to tell her anything.

I'm just sharing this because I understand now, why it's so difficult for me to tolerate situations that even subtly remind me of that, and I think that it had something to do with my reaction to Bernard getting mirrored. I didn't actually realize that I was trying to take the pressure off Bernard (off my little girl) until I started to respond to the post Anart made after moving mine. I couldn't stop thinking that Anart and Pepperfritz were too overbearing. Reading through the second time, I was able to see some of what I had missed in Bernard's posts, but I still felt there was too much pressure being put on him, and then I lapsed into spontaneous recapitulation. The thing that's so interesting about it is that it's the first time I've managed to see how long it went on for. I've often flashed back on isolated incidents before, but have never had such a complete overview.

What I'm wondering now is if something will change in me now, or has already changed, or if there's something I can do to maximize the benefit of this whole process. I've long preferred one on one social experiences, and it would be really great if I could start being more myself in group situations.

 

[Beau]

The thing that's so interesting about it is that it's the first time I've managed to see how long it went on for. I've often flashed back on isolated incidents before, but have never had such a complete overview.

That, IMO, is a very important personal realization. The fact that were able to go back into your childhood memories and see where some of your emotional programming occurred and directly relate it to the present is a very good thing. I have picked up on your, uhm, reticence towards groups over your time here and I think that if you can figure out the how's and why's of that you will be able to start seeing other things from your past which have caused programs to be created. It is certainly a process that only you can truly work through, but if you start being able to trust a group then it can make the process a little less strenuous. I know how much it can help being able to "be yourself" in group situations where their is a sincere effort to help all. It's just a matter of getting to the point where we are able to open ourselves up to the "eye" of the group. It's not easy for a lot of people, due to the kinds of experiences you have written about above. I truly hope you can find your way. :)

 

[Smallwood]

and then I lapsed into spontaneous recapitulation. The thing that's so interesting about it is that it's the first time I've managed to see how long it went on for. I've often flashed back on isolated incidents before, but have never had such a complete overview.

I had a very difficult time in school also, so I can definitely relate. I also did some recapitulation recently about the same sort of issues in my past and came to the conclusion that it was singularly beneficial. I noticed patterns that I had never figured existed. I'm going to post it when I can put a sensible end to it.

What I'm wondering now is if something will change in me now, or has already changed, or if there's something I can do to maximize the benefit of this whole process.

Well, it's been some time since I did my own recap. and atleast for a while I have been able to look at the whole school bullying thing I was subjected to with a sort of humor. If something reminded me of those times, previously, I would relapse into thinking about them but now that I've dived into hows and whys of those situations, I notice that I've had no such problems for nearly a month. I feel like a major burden has been lifted off my back. Still, the social programming that those events induced to me remain, and it looks like that I still have a lot of painful learning ahead of me in order to be myself in a group. I hope that sort of answers your question.

 

[Miss Isness]

It's just a matter of getting to the point where we are able to open ourselves up to the "eye" of the group. It's not easy for a lot of people, due to the kinds of experiences you have written about above. I truly hope you can find your way. Smiley

Thanks. I guess this program of mine automatically kicks in when 3 or more people start going against an individual. I remember that it was Azur's post that flipped the switch. I know I don't have to tell you that groups can be just as mechanical as individuals, and that the majority is often wrong. I think the only thing that can eliminate this program is a refinement of my ability to 'See' group interactions for what they are. My days of blind trust are over, osit.

Still, the social programming that those events induced to me remain, and it looks like that I still have a lot of painful learning ahead of me in order to be myself in a group. I hope that sort of answers your question.

One of the things about my recent recapitulation is that it was more than just an intellectual exercise. It was very emotional. When I read the Sott news page afterwards, I noticed a heightened sensitivity and empathetic response to the suffering I read about. I guess I'm trying to say that the effectiveness of recapitulation is probably related to how fully one is able to remember. Perhaps sometimes it's possible to do it in one go, and in other cases it's necessary to go back several times. As far as this particular program of mine, time will tell - and so will the forum members no doubt. ;)

 

[nicklebleu]

Hi Miss Isness,

I can very much relate to your post, as I went through similar situations of bullying at school. I still to this day can feel the shame in me of not being able to stand up to the bullies, of the feeling of exposure as the kid being taunted amidst a group of snickering people I thought were my friends. I got out of this situation eventually by trashing their leader in a fit of blind rage, which wiped out all fear at once - but left another feeling of shame that I had to resort to violence to sort out the problem...

I got over a lot of these things in group therapy, including exposing and voicing myself in a group. It still doesn't come easy and needs a conscious effort, but at least I don't run away anymore like I used to. But I guess the same program is still active with me as well - automatically defending the one that is attacked, in a kind of over-identification. I can often sense this feeling coming on - and often not ... Discussing this here probably has the same effect as group therapy: to see, that - yes, you may be "mirrored" - but "no", you are not pushed away because of that, if you honestly look into the mirror - quite to the contrary: Looking into the mirror is probably the hardest thing a human being can do - and must do.

I think something has already changed in you - else you wouldn't see the connection between the discussion in the thread mentioned and your past...

 

[mamadrama]

One of the things about my recent recapitulation is that it was more than just an intellectual exercise. It was very emotional. When I read the Sott news page afterwards, I noticed a heightened sensitivity and empathetic response to the suffering I read about. I guess I'm trying to say that the effectiveness of recapitulation is probably related to how fully one is able to remember. Perhaps sometimes it's possible to do it in one go, and in other cases it's necessary to go back several times

Hi, Miss Isness.

I'm curious about your process of recapitulation. Do you mind sharing it? Are you using it as it was described in Castaneda's book, The Eagle's Gift or are you mostly self-observing?

Recapitulation is a term coined by Carlos Castaneda in his book, The Eagle’s Gift, published in 1982. In The Eagle's Gift, Florinda, one of don Juan's apprentices, teaches Castaneda about the process and purpose of recapitulation. She explained that recapitulation consisted of "recollecting one's life down to the most insignificant detail" and that when a woman's recapitulation was complete she "no longer abided by the limitations of her person."[1] She further explained that in the process of recapitulation one recounts all the feelings they invested in whatever memory they were reviewing.

Florinda told Castaneda that recapitulation often began with a list of items to be recalled. One then proceeded to work through the list one item at a time staying with the item until all of the emotions around the event had been felt. The recapitulation was done with the breath. While recalling the event, one inhaled slowly, moved their head from the right shoulder to the left. The next breath moved from left to right and was an exhalation. The purpose of the breath was to restore energy. When breathing from right to left one would "pick up the filaments they left behind" and when breathing from left to right they would "eject filaments left in them by other luminous bodies involved in the event being recollected."

 

[Rich]

I'm curious about your process of recapitulation. Do you mind sharing it? Are you using it as it was described in Castaneda's book, The Eagle's Gift or are you mostly self-observing?

Hi Black Swan, there is a thread on this topic that you may find useful: Recapitulation

 

[mamadrama]

Yes, thanks, Pob. It is indeed. I didn't notice it until after posting to this thread, though.