Struggling along

[Soluna]

'What's On My Mind'

I have read posts that advise people not to post as though this forum is their personal journal - so apologies in advance as I tend to ramble when trying to get points across, or when I am trying to explain something.

The reason I am posting (again - it's been some time =) ) is that I feel I am struggling, and need some advice on which directions I should be taking, or on what may help.

One of my biggest personal battles, is with sleep. I have extremely vivid dreams every night, some are more memorable than others, and some more disturbing than others. I could sleep for a whole day if I let myself - waking up is difficult, and I often wake up in 'layers', in different locations where I have lived or slept, until I finally gain consciousness. I feel as though sleeping is like drowning sometimes, and I am struggling to the surface when I try to wake - and that sleeping is easier, because there are no consequences there, that it doesn't matter, that I am just an observer and things will go on and I don't have to 'do' anything.
So I always feel tired - and I in one part crave sleep, perhaps because I crave 'rest', but dread it because I dread the dreams.
Most of my dreams are scenarios which involve my family - the sexual abuse I experienced by my father - betrayal by my mother and other family members - abandonment by my husband (dream only) - intense anger at family and old friends in which I often end up being very physically violent. I wake up in hysterical tears at the emotions conjured by my dreams.
I had an exceptionally vivid dream a couple of weeks back where my husband was cheating on me - I phoned him at work on his mobile, in distress and just wanting to talk - I don't remember the exact conversation but it wasn't positive, and I was in such distress I was afraid of hurting myself (as I have done in the past) and I walked across the road to the doctors and sought some help.

So the doctor is arranging some more therapy for me.

My problem with this is - although it does help my mood stability to be able to talk to someone about my difficulties as I am very isolated and lonely - I don't think it's the 'type' of help that I need.

I feel very much as though I am searching for something, and that I don't belong. I abhor this sense of feeling 'arrogant' - [which one of my therapists called me when I told her of feelings of despondency and pointlessness in my depression (I described the scenario of generations of children being for nought and ending in a dead planet and what was the 'point' of living), she called me arrogant at thinking I knew better than people who believed religiously in God, not a very helpful therapist!] - ^ so I 'feel' arrogant, because I feel that I 'know' there is more to life than what we are taught.
My husband won't believe 'anything' without proof - and that often sets us at odds. So it's difficult for me to express my feelings and point of view freely.

I know I have a lot to learn, and I read so much... but there is always more to read, and more to learn, and I don't know if I start in the right place, or go in the right direction - or if I will ever 'find' what it is I feel I am looking for.

I think I just want to know what I should be doing. If 'all' I am supposed to do, is learn and search, then that would be ok for me as long as I was to 'know' that, or understand it.


I just read Shijings post about Kantek - http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=13982.0

It was incredible. Although I keep feeling that there is so much to learn, and yet so little time.


I know I should do a search (and I will do after I post), but is there any significance in Numerology? Is there truly significance in the numbers of your name and birthday? Being that your parents give you your name, and languages are so different, and that the 'dates' we give our birthdays are given by a calendar that we engineered. I am probably missing something.

Sorry for the big quote

Apparently my name gives me number 11.

Meaning of Number 11

The spiritual meaning of number eleven is quite diverse. The number 11 is thought of as a "master" number in numerology because it is a double digit of the same number. When this occurs - the vibrational frequency of the prime number doubles in power. Meaning, the attributes of the Number One are doubled.

Therefore, the very basic and primary understanding of the Number One is that of new beginnings and purity. When we see this digit doubled as with the 11 - then these attributes double in strength.

In numerology the number 11 represents:

Higher ideals
Invention
Refinement
Congruency
Balance
Fulfillment
Vision
The 11 carries a vibrational frequency of balance. It represents male and female equality. It contains both sun energy and moon energy simultaneously yet holding them both in perspective separate-ness. Perfect balance.

Consequently, constant reoccurances of number 11 in our lives often signal us to be aware of our balance:
Balance emotion, thought and spirit
Balance of masculine and feminine aspects
Balance of work and play
Elevens are magical messages asking us if we are centered or off kilter.

When we add 1+1 (eleven reduced) we get number two - which is also a balance number - Numeral two also deals with:

Equality
Justice
Calm
Kindness
Tact
Duality
Those who recognize the spiritual meaning of number Eleven in their lives are quite sensitive to vibrational frequencies matching these attributes above listed. Elevens appearing on a consistent bases is indicative of a reflective, thoughtful and intuitive soul.

I get loads of emails, and it seems to me, number Eleven presents itself to people who appear to be very psychically connected. I believe each time then number 11 if observed it is the Universe sending a message of:

Confirmation to maintain integrity
Enter into an open space of conscious awareness
Realign, reaffirm, re-establish (re-balance) ourselves
As we deal with energy in our lives it is integral to understand we are at once a part of it, and yet the option to separate from energetic forces is present. The spiritual meaning of number Eleven deals directly with our involvement with the progression of life. When it appears, it references both our ability to be objective and subjected to life events - it is how we enter through the doorway of choice that determines the purity of the outcome.

Sorry for the long post and for any inappropriateness.

If anyone could help me start out or set myself some realistic goals I would appreciate it.

Although mostly I would love to meet or discover some people who are similarly like minded just to talk to. Although I find I am an unreliable friend, I drift in and out of 'friendships', in and out of contact with people - but my thirst for learning any sort of 'truth' adheres constantly.

Take care all!

 

[Soluna]

http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,4008.0.html

Interesting.

That answers my numerology question ;) Brain farting is useless before researching.

 

[Bobo08]

Hi Soluna,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. From my experience and those of many others, the diet that one has is one of the biggest contributors to health and psychological problems. So my first question is: What is your diet like? Have you eliminated gluten, dairy, grain, sugar from your diet?

Take a look at the Diet and Health section of the forum if you haven't already done so, especially the "Life Without Bread" thread. You will also want to get some of the recommended books on diet and health to get more detailed information before making significant changes to your diet. I realize the amount of information is quite daunting, but it is the only reliable way to get well that we know of. You can also ask any question you have in the Diet and Health section.

A second front that you can also look at immediately if you haven't is the EE program. The web site that I link to has detailed description of the program, including the videos to try out.

Good luck.

 

[anart]

'What's On My Mind'

I have read posts that advise people not to post as though this forum is their personal journal - so apologies in advance as I tend to ramble when trying to get points across, or when I am trying to explain something.

Always remember that each situation is unique. There are those who should post more and those who should post less - what determines that is the situation and the person. In your case, you don't post very often at all, so you'd fall in the 'those who should post more' category. ;)

The reason I am posting (again - it's been some time =) ) is that I feel I am struggling, and need some advice on which directions I should be taking, or on what may help.

One of my biggest personal battles, is with sleep. I have extremely vivid dreams every night, some are more memorable than others, and some more disturbing than others. I could sleep for a whole day if I let myself - waking up is difficult, and I often wake up in 'layers', in different locations where I have lived or slept, until I finally gain consciousness. I feel as though sleeping is like drowning sometimes, and I am struggling to the surface when I try to wake - and that sleeping is easier, because there are no consequences there, that it doesn't matter, that I am just an observer and things will go on and I don't have to 'do' anything.
So I always feel tired - and I in one part crave sleep, perhaps because I crave 'rest', but dread it because I dread the dreams.
Most of my dreams are scenarios which involve my family - the sexual abuse I experienced by my father - betrayal by my mother and other family members - abandonment by my husband (dream only) - intense anger at family and old friends in which I often end up being very physically violent. I wake up in hysterical tears at the emotions conjured by my dreams.
I had an exceptionally vivid dream a couple of weeks back where my husband was cheating on me - I phoned him at work on his mobile, in distress and just wanting to talk - I don't remember the exact conversation but it wasn't positive, and I was in such distress I was afraid of hurting myself (as I have done in the past) and I walked across the road to the doctors and sought some help.

So the doctor is arranging some more therapy for me.

Sounds like you have a lot of subconscious anger and fear. That's not unusual, but it can be an enormous drain and affect everything. I'd suggest reading the 'Redirect' thread for some ideas on how to begin to process some of your past trauma in a healthy way. This will allow you to move past it, instead of reliving it in your dreams.

My problem with this is - although it does help my mood stability to be able to talk to someone about my difficulties as I am very isolated and lonely - I don't think it's the 'type' of help that I need.

I feel very much as though I am searching for something, and that I don't belong. I abhor this sense of feeling 'arrogant' - [which one of my therapists called me when I told her of feelings of despondency and pointlessness in my depression (I described the scenario of generations of children being for nought and ending in a dead planet and what was the 'point' of living), she called me arrogant at thinking I knew better than people who believed religiously in God, not a very helpful therapist!] - ^ so I 'feel' arrogant, because I feel that I 'know' there is more to life than what we are taught.

Well, compared to an ignorant therapist, you are 'superior'.

My husband won't believe 'anything' without proof - and that often sets us at odds. So it's difficult for me to express my feelings and point of view freely.

I know I have a lot to learn, and I read so much... but there is always more to read, and more to learn, and I don't know if I start in the right place, or go in the right direction - or if I will ever 'find' what it is I feel I am looking for.

I think I just want to know what I should be doing. If 'all' I am supposed to do, is learn and search, then that would be ok for me as long as I was to 'know' that, or understand it.


I just read Shijings post about Kantek - http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=13982.0

It was incredible. Although I keep feeling that there is so much to learn, and yet so little time.

Yes, but what better way to spend the time we have than in learning? Start with the redirect thread and see if the writing exercises don't help with getting you past some of your trauma so you can live more in the present (and dream more of the future). It's a step by step process, but it's worth a try!

 

[ScarletBegonias]

One of my biggest personal battles, is with sleep.

Hi Soluna, I just read your newbie intro and see that you have had sleep difficulties for quite a while now. I have had sleep problems for a while too and have woken up feeling even more tired than when I went to bed. When I sleep I take melatonin along with 100mg of 5-HTP and sometimes GABA, which really help me. However, I'm still considering going to a sleep clinic to see if I suffer from bruxing (teeth grinding) or sleep apnea. Perhaps going to a sleep clinic might be of interest to you too..?

Also, these threads might interest you:
Are you getting enough sleep?/Sleeping properly?: http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,21286.0.html
Melatonin: http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,314.0.html
GABA: http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,16644.0.html

I also second Bobo08's suggestion of checking out the Eiriu-Eolas breathing/meditation program.

 

[Turgon]

Hi Soluna,

A second front that you can also look at immediately if you haven't is the EE program. The web site that I link to has detailed description of the program, including the videos to try out.

Good luck.

Just to further up on Eiriu Eolas. It's quite a powerful program, and if you are already feeling emotionally overwhelmed from the dreams, doing the pipe breathing and Prayer of the Soul and cutting out Baha (at least for the time being) can be very soothing and gentle before going to sleep. It defintely helps to relax the body and give your mind something positive to focus on before sleep. :)

 

[SeekinTruth]

I agree that reading the "Redirect" thread and doing the writing exercises can help you a lot. And also the EE program. Doing pipe breathing and POTS (Prayer of the Soul) before going to sleep can really help. And you can also try the full program -- skipping the Beatha / round / bioenergetic breathing so that there's no chance of big emotional releases all at once that may be overwhelming.

 

[Soluna]

Thank you for the helpful suggestions on where I should start out!

I will definitely start going through the reading material.

You are right when you say every situation is unique - I find it very difficult to alter our diet due to financial constraints (but then again - that's probably one of the reasons people are kept so unaware of how to buy groceries frugally and healthily - and also kept in financial difficulty!). It's also difficult to fight for changes you may want to try, without the domestic 'support' necessary, emotionally and just general open-minded support.

But for any change, I need to try and fight the motivation-bug. The first step is realising you need help, then reaching out, and then acting to help yourself if you've gotten a supporting pat on the back and nudge in a helpful direction.

Thanks again - hopefully heading in the right direction now at least!

 

[SeekinTruth]

Soluna, if you successfully transition to a paleo / keto diet (high fat -- mostly animal -- and low carb) you'll save money in the long run because you eat quite a bit less. NO snaking and MUCH less "variety" of food bought, etc.

BUT, you should do all the reading to get up to speed, starting with the "Life Without Bread" thread. You should have all the knowledge of why and how before making major changes to your diet. It's a LOT of reading, but it's REALLY worth it in the long run. Good luck. :)

 

[Nienna]

Soluna, I agree with what has been suggested, Redirect thread, EE (without the Baha portion) and diet changes.

I think that it would interest you to go to sott.net and put in the search engine the word gluten. Read what mental and physical problems gluten causes, and that includes any grain, including rice. If you start out by just eliminating gluten, that is a huge step. And it costs you nothing in monetary terms as you are eliminating it. Then you can eliminate dairy, then sugar and non-sugar sweeteners. Adding more meat and fat to your diet is really important and since you will be cutting down on other products, you can add in more meat and fats (animal fats).

Reading the Redirect and Life Without Bread threads are very important and I think you will find some very interesting things there that will help you. And, then, including the EE program, without the BaHa will help in you on many different levels.

 

[Soluna]

Thank you again for all of the helpful and supportive comments so far.

I just thought I would update on the progress.

I have been doing a lot of reading - and I have made some changes to our diet. I don't 'know' if it's 'ok' to compromise - but I am trying to gradually alter diet through what I buy when I shop for groceries. As I am not sure how my husband would react, although his reactions in the past to me trying to discuss possibilities 'out of the norm' have been fairly strong and upsetting to me.

So I have bought a lot more raw/fresh vegetables, meat; less sauces in jars (which were just convenient/cheap in the past) and more fresh ingredients/alternatives so I can control/see what I am adding during preparation. I bought brown rice instead of white - as my husband likes his rice. I have altered portion weighting so I get more of the meat/vegetables than the rice as a 'filler', and I have cut out bread (which I haven't been fond of anyway). I am trying to cut down on sugar, I drink tea, and am trying honey as a 'sweetener', I need to look up if that is ok.


I am now on Chapter 3 of volume 1 of The Wave (I know I have a long way to go still).

I have prayed in the past when I was a Jehovahs Witness (I was young at the time, and probably stopped when I was 16 and a half). But mostly back then I was praying that my father would stop abusing me.
I have started praying again - but I am not sure who to address - perhaps as I gain understanding I will feel more confident with that.


I was reading some of the Cassiopaea Glossary - to help with understanding.
I read this under 'Death'

A real man is one who could take from life everything that was valuable in it, and say :'And now I can die'. We have to try to live your lives so that we could say any day :'Today I can die and not be sorry about anything'.

When I was a child, and was asked - "What would you like to be when you grow up?" - my answer would automatically always be "A Mummy."
If I was to die, the number one thing I would feel 'sorry' about, would be that I have not been able to have a child - I feel that I have so much love to give. I would love to raise a child, and nurture it - but that desire isn't limited to having a child of my own.

I feel very alone.
Under density it states:

4th density beings enjoy more conscious control over physicality and generally form groups telepathically sharing a common pool of experience while retaining a certain individuality.

I feel extremely sad that I have not had any/many like-minded friends recently. I realise it's probably a lot of my own 'fault'. I have withdrawn a lot.

If I hope that at least the smallest part of my prayers helps someone somewhere.

 

[Bobo08]

Hi Soluna,

Good to hear about your progress, especially on the diet front. As I posted on another thread, improving your diet and health is a long road to travel, but in the end, your effort will be worth it.

I have been doing a lot of reading - and I have made some changes to our diet. I don't 'know' if it's 'ok' to compromise - but I am trying to gradually alter diet through what I buy when I shop for groceries. As I am not sure how my husband would react, although his reactions in the past to me trying to discuss possibilities 'out of the norm' have been fairly strong and upsetting to me.

So I have bought a lot more raw/fresh vegetables, meat; less sauces in jars (which were just convenient/cheap in the past) and more fresh ingredients/alternatives so I can control/see what I am adding during preparation. I bought brown rice instead of white - as my husband likes his rice. I have altered portion weighting so I get more of the meat/vegetables than the rice as a 'filler', and I have cut out bread (which I haven't been fond of anyway). I am trying to cut down on sugar, I drink tea, and am trying honey as a 'sweetener', I need to look up if that is ok.

While it's not 'ok' to compromise (in the long term), I understand the difficulties of implementing dietary changes with an unsupportive partner. the general advice in such cases has been to go slow, both to allow yourself to get up to speed with the available knowledge, and not to be too disruptive to your partner. The worst ingredients are grains (especially wheat) and dairy. Rice is a grain so it may be wise to limit it and go for less harmful sources of carb such as sweet potatoes. Don't bother with brown rice as it is as bad, if not worse than white rice and generally more expensive. You may also want to get xylitol for use instead of sugar or honey, if your budget allows.

I have started praying again - but I am not sure who to address - perhaps as I gain understanding I will feel more confident with that.

Are you doing the EE breathing program? The POTS (Prayer of the Soul) contained therein would be a perfect prayer to use in your meditation. You may substitute the Divine Cosmic Mind with any entity that you are comfortable with.

When I was a child, and was asked - "What would you like to be when you grow up?" - my answer would automatically always be "A Mummy."
If I was to die, the number one thing I would feel 'sorry' about, would be that I have not been able to have a child - I feel that I have so much love to give. I would love to raise a child, and nurture it - but that desire isn't limited to having a child of my own.

I feel very alone.
...
I feel extremely sad that I have not had any/many like-minded friends recently. I realise it's probably a lot of my own 'fault'. I have withdrawn a lot.

Perhaps, if you learn to channel that love, first of all, learn to love and take care of yourself, then to help others, you will find yourself less lonely. There is also a whole community of like-minded people on this forum. If you sincerely network here, you will find things change in your psyche and your life.

 

[Soluna]

As I was trying to sleep last night, I was assimilating? the information I had read - and trying to understand how it fit 'to' me.

The phrase 'Everything is Lessons' especially resonated with me.

I began to think back over the things that I felt had happened 'to' me, and found almost completely different ways of looking at them.

Things that happened 'to' me, weren't just lessons 'for' me, but 'for' everyone who was involved - I began to place less importance on my feelings of being victimised, and more importance on the overall picture, or lessons.


I think a big lesson I have learned - and now accepted to an extent - is forgiveness.
For the longest time, I could not understand how I could still love my parents - after the sexual abuse I was subjected to, and the perceived 'betrayal' of my mother and aunts for the letters they wrote to the court that prevented my father from going to prison.
In my dreams, I felt extreme frustration and anger at them - and I could not reconcile those feelings, with the love I still felt for them.
I felt that the decisions they made - to prevent my father from going to prison - were in direct opposition to their statements that they loved me and wanted to support me.
I can see that my youth and overall lack of understanding, caused a lot of my frustration and anger.
Regardless of the difficulties and confusion their actions presented to me - I believe their actions were derived from their love of each other and their family. Their concern for the well-being of my siblings and family were genuine - and even for the well-being of my father [with regards to him receiving the 'help' he needed through therapy - and the atmosphere in prison].

I could not accept - that I loved them still - when a rational part of me could think of 'better' ways they could have handled the situation.
But they were lessons - and not 'just' for me.


I realise this is probably still a very limited view - as I have a lot more to read.
But I feel a measure of peace - and I think I wanted to share the stages in which my thinking has changed, and thank you for providing the means and truth for the process.


There is a lot of love in the family dynamic in this world - and I think when faced with strife and difficulty, a lot of people will find themselves pulling together with their families - regardless of how much truth they know.

I forgive everyone who has caused 'me' hurt - I even forgive the psychopaths who don't know any better, they won't ever 'feel' love, and I am pretty sure they can't take that feeling away from those who have.