STS Thread(t)

[nemo]

attempt on self-observation, inspired by recent forum experience

(nemo is a bit anxious concerning his long post and hopes it doesn`t serve self exclusively.)
(he leaves it at the moderator`s discretion to supply some context, if necessary.)


first post

An interesting story comes to my mind. I write it down. I get the flimsy afterthought that this might
also be an opportunity to test the waters regarding some controversial subject I believe needs inclusion.
I`m vaguely aware that I might provoke controversial reactions but do not think that I actually violate forum rules.

_I go ahead and press submit.

reset

an interesting story comes to nemo`s mind. he writes it down. he gets the flimsy afterthought that this might
also be an opportunity to test the waters regarding some controversial subject nemo believes needs inclusion.
nemo is vaguely aware that he might provoke controversial reactions but does not think that he actually violates forum rules.

but then nemo starts to reflect his motivation behind the post. it becomes clear that nemo likes to show off by presenting an
intriguing story, thereby feeding his self-importance. he also becomes aware that it is actually rather likely that he will provoke
controversial reactions and thereby possibly even harming the forum. that would be equal to putting nemo`s wants above the
forum`s needs, thereby demonstrating sts in action. nemo wonders.

_nemo decides to delete his post.
maybe, because nemo is somewhat unsure about rules, he posts a request to the sott editors in order to clear up some
confusions he has regarding rules. this seems a good way to test the waters regarding nemo`s topic without bringing any harm to the forum.
Others might benefit as well.

second post

I become irritated at anart`s reply. Not only does she point out that I broke the forum rules, which I find exaggerated.
She also has the nerve to comment critically to my post`s content.

_Since I cannot comment her remark without further violating the rules, I write an insincere apology for overstepping rules;
after all, she`s the moderator. Simultaneously I smuggle in my topic through the back door. I think it is important.

reset

nemo becomes irritated at anart`s reply. not only does she point out that nemo broke forum rules, which nemo finds exaggerated.
she also has the nerve to comment critically on nemo`s post.

nemo starts writing reply, then pauses and reflects. he realizes that as a moderator anart has a lot of experience and earns
respect. her differing attitude towards nemo`s topic and his being unable to refer to it hurts his ego. nemo realizes that he
provoked this situation himself. his resulting negative feelings are buffers to protect his false personality.

_nemo answers with a short reply in which he apologizes for his mistake. he also promises not to repeat it.

third post

Reading anart`s lenghty vivisection of my second post makes me angry. I feel the heat rising to my face.
I realize that she has interpreted my reply rather correctly but feel her arguing to be somewhat biased.

_I counter her lenghty reply with an even longer post trying to make myself clearer and to defend my position because
it is important that I´m understood.


reset

reading anart`s lenghty vivisection of nemo`s second post makes nemo angry. he feels the heat rising to his face.
nemo realizes that she has interpreted his reply rather correctly but feels her arguing to be somewhat biased.

while starting to write another lenghty reply to explain himself in more detail nemo realizes that by doing so he further
boosts his ego`s wants. it becomes clear to him that the whole argument revolves around nemo. nemo is the sun of this debate.
he is blind towards the forum`s needs.

_nemo posts short reply in which he identifys his behaviour as self serving.
nemo writes that he needs to reflect on what anart has been saying.

fourth post

While reading anart`s reply regarding my previous post I suddenly feel like walking on a minefield. I feel treated rather unfairly
by anart who, I believe, stubbornly rubs my self-importance in, while at the same time ignoring a lot of what I`ve written.
The situation feels increasingly kafkaesk.

at some point during writing another lenghty post nemo realizes that this dialogue could go on indefinetly.
he is suddenly overwhelmed by a bad conscience towards anart who`s time he`s clearly abusing on behalf of his own self-importance.

_nemo then very spontanously submitts a quick post in which he identifys his behaviour as self serving.
nemo writes that he needs to further reflect on what anart has been saying.

afterwards he reads anart`s third post again. then nemo takes a lenghty walk in the wintry city. he ponders his next reply.
nemo then mentally goes over the whole thread again, trying to view it more objectively.
he then realizes to his astonishment that he made a clear mistake with his first post.
to up the ante he went on repeating the same mistake over and over again in his following posts.
nemo suddenly realizes that he lied to himself from the get go. nemo`s egoistical thinking prevented him from the start
to see the wider picture, in which he is a mere extra.

by going over the posts step by step he wonders at the different options or opportunities he would have had.
this makes nemo pause.

 

[Approaching Infinity]

The situation feels increasingly kafkaesk.

This is the feeling when two realities are in conflict. Just as a normal person will be baffled if he is thrown into the world of the psychopath, the lower part of oneself feels baffled and trapped when it is shown its own mechanicalness. In this case, anart prickled your natural egotistic need to be right. In fact, your post did not violate the rules. You were not talking about personal experiences, but merely quoting other sources, and you were not condoning the use of the substance in question. However, the discussion could easily have changed direction, and with a topic as slippery as this one, anart's post was probably a necessary reminder. Also, your motivations were not "academic". As you saw afterwards, you were motivated primarily by your own egotism. You thought the subject was "important" and should be brought up. You even had a feeling of being the rebel that 'needs to bring this information out, no matter how controversial'. But really, as anart pointed out, the sources you quoted were speculative and seemed more motivated in legitimizing their own pet theories than in actual research.

Laura has talked a lot about drugs and brain chemistry, including their use by shamans, the implications they have for perception of higher worlds, and the problems associated with their use. The subject is covered in Secret History, and Laura discussed it in her recent interview with Richard Syrett on November 13. (http://www.richardsyrett.com/audioarchive.htm)

he then realizes to his astonishment that he made a clear mistake with his first post.
to up the ante he went on repeating the same mistake over and over again in his following posts.
nemo suddenly realizes that he lied to himself from the get go. nemo`s egoistical thinking prevented him from the start
to see the wider picture, in which he is a mere extra.

Now you've had a glimpse of yourself as you are, of your own stereotyped way of acting and reacting. Just remember that mental growth is only possible via inner conflict. Or as they say over her in North America, "No pain, no gain."

 

[nemo]

In this case, anart prickled your natural egotistic need to be right.(...)
Now you've had a glimpse of yourself as you are, of your own stereotyped way of acting and reacting.

It wasn`t even my first glimpse of my mechanical nature. The more frightening it is, that it took me almost four pure STS posts till something clicked!
That really gives me pause. Also, I`m aware of quite some time now that I carry around a lot of self-importance (or "right man syndrome"). I always
had a tendency to be judgemental and opinionated. It`s a chilling realization that one can go through live with a certain self-awareness concerning
some of these programms without in any way applying them (or even seeing them when they stick their insidious heads out of the mud).

Many years ago I`ve read some books by Grof, Weil, Leary, Wasson, Shulgin, Hoffmann, Huxley etc. The subject has been a holy cow for me. I believe to
have slaughtered said cow, since it`s not a part of my life anymore. (regard it rather as one aspect from many)
Interests have shifted considerably since then. But maybe the cow`s still kicking after all.
I rather tend to believe even a dead cow can be instrumentalized by fake self for boosting the latter.

(...) often, one's self-important false personality identifies wholly with whether they are perceived to be 'right' in any situation. 
Such a person will go to great lengths to prove they were not in 'the wrong' - that they were 'right' in what they did or what they said. 
They might even write long legalistic posts about it.
(...) Methinks nemo's false personality is working REALLY hard here to spin this situation to preserve his version of  'right man syndrome'.  
(...) You are lying to yourself because seeing what is really going on is too painful - it is called a buffer.

Going back over this thread makes me feel VERY embarassed (which, for all I know might be another programm).
During the course of this dialogue my self-importance stuck to me like chewing gum. It`d be another lie to pretend it`s not sticking anymore.
It seems that one has to strive for a state of being in which these programms become more and more apparent to oneself while they`re appearing.
I`m very grateful for "prickling my egotistic need to be right", anart. Much appreciated!!