Suffering from a sense of dissociation

[chaps23]

Guys,

I realise this sounds a little crazy and it has taken me a hell of a lot of work to actually bring myself to be able to share it here as it is hard enough trying to deal with it myself. I don't even know how to explain this properly either so I'm just gonna go with the flow and hope it makes sense.

Basically, I consider myself quite a nice bloke, always there for a friend always have helpful advice to the people in my life who ask, loyal, respectful etc.

Since the last couple of months that I have started improving my diet, I have been able to think much more clearly about things and have actually started noticing some very troublesome things about myself. I noticed that I actually don't feel guilt, sorrow, sadness, sympathy and loads of other things! am I one of these psychopath's I've been reading about?

I realise this is shocking to think this way but things have been happening lately and I am just not emotionally effected by them when I should be.

Eg 1, someone close to me told me they were pregnant, I acted real happy for them but deep down inside I realise that I'm not! not that I'm unhappy for them in anyway but it just doesn't really effect me,

Eg 2, At a funeral of someone I would call a friend, I did not shed a tear, nor did I feel that I had lost a mate. or feel remorse that I would never see him again. I made excuses for myself when I noticed that I didn't care, such as... well he was a biker... this is the sort of life he has chosen.

Eg 3, I was in Subway the other day and a man apparently had a stroke or heart attack or something like that, there was an ambulance on the way and he was just laying there on the ground helpless, My first thought was "Well I don't really know him, and there is nothing I can really do to help" so I got my salad and just left. Whilst many people were in shock and quite upset I just walked away.

There are a lot of these moments as you can imagine. The only thing I keep reminding myself that helps is that at least I can see this happening, and the fact that I want to change makes me think there is a big part of me that believes this is unacceptable. But this is not as easy to change as my diet. I can't just flick a switch and turn my feelings back on. I actually try to act normal around others in fear of them noticing and I'm really good at that also.

This is something I want to fix, I realise everyone is a little bit crazy in there own way because in my mind no one is normal. But I am worried. I have memories as a little kid feeling guilt and sadness etc. But I cant remember the feeling, just the moment. I went and saw a therapist but our ego's headbutted almost instantly (which I realised straight away but I just got angry the longer I was there due to him immediately trying to push his beliefs down my throat and I was completely closed off to listening to him talk.) which is disappointing that I could not overcome it but the guy was a complete dick.

Still I bit my lip and went through the process, I was honest with him and told him how I truly felt which I had not done with anyone else before and he told me that it sounds like I have symptoms of dissociative disorder. The Myth of Sanity is a great book that I'm reading at the moment, but I believe my next book The Sociopath Next Door may be more fitting...

Meditation may be they key to unlocking this mystery. Has anyone here been experiencing this? Is learning more about it actually going to help, because so far its only made me more crazy about it. I'm sure im not over reacting here but if you think I am I would love to hear it. I am obviosuly feeling self pitty in some way and I am not accepting this part of me which might be causing the blockage that will help me get over it but I'm not sure. It definately helps to get out side opinion.

Best Regards & a Merry Christmas.

Brent.

 

[Ðekel]

chaps23,

i think it's wise to find an outlet when things get a bit overwhelming.. as hearing what others have experienced and have to contribute can be very beneficial.

i am not a psychologist or therapist but i have personally dealt with feelings of Disasociation in the past.

this is my input;

you wrote;

There are a lot of these moments as you can imagine. The only thing I keep reminding myself that helps is that at least I can see this happening, and the fact that I want to change makes me think there is a big part of me that believes this is unacceptable. But this is not as easy to change as my diet. I can't just flick a switch and turn my feelings back on. I actually try to act normal around others in fear of them noticing and I'm really good at that also.

psychologically, people tend to fluctuate during life. sometimes they tend towards more empathy, sometimes they are more prone to sadness.. etc'.
i wouldn't necessarily think that feeling less emotional is "unacceptable". it is simply- feeling less emotional.
emotions aren't "good" / "bad".

some people act completely heinously out of emotion while some less emotional people hold others well-being in high regard.

in psychology it is taught that if you feel you might be going "crazy", for instance, then you are most probably not.
people who fear they are "loosing it", mostly do not have issues with extreme Psychosis because they are aware of the "it" that it is possible to lose.
they have "it" to begin with.
this doesn't exclude the possibility of mental issues that aren't categorized as Psychosis to be present.
i use this only as a corollary to your sense of lack of empathy, because nothing about what you are writing sounds "crazy".

Disasociation, Depersonalization and Derealization can all be either symptoms of depression / anxiety OR can occur on their own for no apparent reason.
i think it might help to read a little bit about them.
many people worldwide experience them and they have not been found to necessarily imply specific mental afflictions.

if you have experienced emotions such as empathy in the past, and now you are alarmed by a seeming lack of them, then you already know that you are capable of empathy.
which is something positive to keep in mind, as not everyone is.

i hope these reflections help in some way, and i look forward to reading the input of other forum members.

 

[TOTEM36]

you sound quite sane and practical to me, but i sense you dont need someone else to tell you that really.

why do you think there is anything wrong with not crying at funerals? maybe you are so logical about death that you thought the whole thing through and realised it is pointless to get emotional over something that is inevitible for all of us perhaps?

your encounter with the psychologist was another sign of your intelligence and not giving you self-authority away, because you could see through it all perhaps? did you think he has a good a grasp on things as as you? a member of a forum like this?

i identify with your perceptions, your subway description, 'he was a biker' and psychologist comment made me giggle.

 

[Maat]

fwiw, I used to be over-emotional for a long time (even watch an ad on tv could make me cry because of the stupidity or other things), then I had a depression... Well I should say a bigger depression since it seems to me that I've been depressed since my adolescence (I'm 40 now). I took zoloft for 2 years and... sorry my memories are confused here and I don't and will never know what is the part of depression or those medics that confuse my memory but anyway I pass through some sort of stage you described or so it seems.

That is to say, I was over emotional, then I start to have interest in enneagramm and those things which says to observe yourself... and depression in beetwen and I went through a stage when I felt void... no emotion at all... I wondered if the fact that I was over emotional before made me feel that way because it was just a little less unneeded emotions. It could well be the case but I really remember some instance when I could watch people and the life around me and I felt like I was watching an boring movie, more than that, I "felt" (if I could feel something at this stage) void, it was pretty unreal...

Anyway, now, that is over, my empathy is back and I think I'm more "pure" or "objective" in my reaction than I was before.

All that to say that it could be just a stage where you are processing some stuff.

Sorry again to be a little confuse here but it's a jumble period in my mind and to write it in english does not help too !

 

[Risen]

Hi Brent,
I will answer the question, "has anyone been experiencing this". Yes I have been and
I have not even changed my diet to the extent that most on the forum have. To me the reason is not identifying very much anymore. In my opinion, most feelings of empathy are not true feelings but more connected to the person somehow thinking (mostly without realizing it) , "what if this happened to me", thus identification. I still have compassion but it is a very different feeling and more generalized than what one thing is happening at the moment.
The fact that you are aware of it is an important factor.
This is just my own experience and I am sure there will be varying responses and interpretations. Thank you for sharing your experience. It is very good that you are able to know yourself objectively.
I am curious as to why you have labeled this experience dissociation. It sounds much more like non-identification as you are very aware of what you are experiencing. Also why do you say this is something you want to "fix"? If you are not experiencing pleasure or happiness at the misfortune of others I don't see why you would even consider that you are a psychopath. As you say, you are pretending to have the commonly accepted emotions so as to seem "normal". Is this in some way a form of external considering for you? No need to actually answer the questions I have asked if you don't feel inclined to do so. I am asking them for you to consider and think about.
Good Holiday to you too.

Three replies were posted while I was writing this but I have decided to not read them before posting mine. This is just my own response after reading your initial unanswered post.

 

[truth seeker]

From what you've written, I'd say that you're not a psychopath. The fact that you're concerned about whether you have feelings or not tells me that. My understanding and experience is that psychopaths aren't concerned about that unless it serves them to act concerned about it.

It does sound though as if you might be shut down/closed off a bit with regards to your feelings. This is common when we are narcissistically wounded. I'd suggest that you keep reading the big 5 as they may be instrumental in helping you understand the whys and hows of your situation.

I have memories as a little kid feeling guilt and sadness etc. But I cant remember the feeling, just the moment.

Can you clarify a bit on this? It sounds somewhat contradictory to me. If you remember the moment, do you feel comfortable saying what happened?

 

[Guardian]

I realise this sounds a little crazy and it has taken me a hell of a lot of work to actually bring myself to be able to share it here as it is hard enough trying to deal with it myself.

Unless you're yanking our chain, your opening sentence tells me you're not a psychopath. Difficultly sharing is an emotion hon ...a 'path has no problem writing anything, true or not.

 

[Buddy]

I agree with everyone, also because of your opening sentence and topic title. Maybe it's the "difficulty sharing" feeling that Guardian references, since that could be considered a common denominator in the experiences you mention so far?

 

[chaps23]

Difficulty only because by placing this out in the open there is potential for damage.

This is a reason why I spoke with a therapist, because normally they dont Judge, this guy was an idiot I definately got a lemon. He even had the cheek to tell me his tyeacher has reached enlightenment. (made me giggle)

I still feel some emotion Anger, Happiness, but all forms of caring for others has vanished I feel hollow. Due to issues with my ego it may take me some time to absorb whats been said here today. I am amazed at how quickly I got reply's thankyou all. (even then when I say thankyou its almost like I'm just saying it to keep in the norm) What does being gratefull feel like? I no longer know. bizzaare what I am experiencing I hope you are all right.

I have memories as a little kid feeling guilt and sadness etc. But I cant remember the feeling, just the moment.

Can you clarify a bit on this? It sounds somewhat contradictory to me. If you remember the moment, do you feel comfortable saying what happened?

not difficulty in sharing just remembering all the details, I have multiple memories, one where I kicked in a door at the local Lesure Time Centre, someone dobbed me in and the cops came to my house.

Just memories where I have done something I have regretted due to making my mother feel bad and stuff. but I cant feel it only remember thinking to myself I feel it. if that make any sense at all....

Unless you're yanking our chain, your opening sentence tells me you're not a psychopath. Difficultly sharing is an emotion hon ...a 'path has no problem writing anything, true or not.

Yanking your chain, Definately not, but I must say by re reading what I have posted I definately have warped the writing of this a little to seem less severe..... interesting.

 

[Buddy]

[quote author=chaps23]
I feel hollow.
[/quote]

How is that possible? Seems to me buffers are what's active here.

 

[chaps23]

[quote author=chaps23]
I feel hollow.

How is that possible? Seems to me buffers are what's active here.
[/quote]

I'm sorry but I can not answer that question, which is the reason I am seeking here. I cant seem to understand or grasp what is actually happening with me.

Can you explain buffers please?


Edit: I notice how I am contradicting myself here a little but its simply because i just dont understand whats happening I am confused as I mentioned earlier I will take a little time to digest all these helpfull perspectives.

 

[Maat]

[quote author=chaps23]
I feel hollow.

How is that possible? Seems to me buffers are what's active here.
[/quote]

I dont know because from what I remember there was nothing, it's hard to tell, you don"t even feel yourself alive, like there is nothing, really nothing. Nothing that feels, nothing that thinks.... Yes derealization is the word

 

[Buddy]

[quote author=chaps23]
I feel hollow.

How is that possible? Seems to me buffers are what's active here.

I'm sorry but I can not answer that question, which is the reason I am seeking here. I cant seem to understand or grasp what is actually happening with me.

Can you explain buffers please?[/quote]

I meant, how is it possible to feel a not-feeling? Sometimes we can find useful clues about ourselves or a little emotional lock that can blow off just by looking at the way we express things. I figure feeling like being trapped in what seems like a hollow place is much different than actually being hollow.

I don't wish to confuse you, though, so just take whatever time you need.

 

[Laura]

What is your daily life like? Are you in a relationship? Brothers? Sisters? Spouse? Children? Work? Education? A vignette out of your life without context isn't very helpful.

 

[chaps23]

What is your daily life like? Are you in a relationship? Brothers? Sisters? Spouse? Children? Work? Education? A vignette out of your life without context isn't very helpful.

I have a beautiful girlfriend (Kristen), been in a relationship with her going on 4 years in march. Who I have lived with for most of that, I work mostly 50 hours a week so I dont get alot of spare time with her.

Earn a good living in my job as a new car salesman, I have quite an extended family (due to parents separating and re marrying) so I have 3 sisters, 2 brothers 1 brother in law 1 sister in law. I'm 22 years in this life. I didnt even finish highschool, hated it. My grades slowly declinded from when I was 13. was the top of the class untill then.

I sort of want to go on a rant about my life to date. but I would be here a while, my daily life has changed quite drastically this past year, I have given up drugs & selling them and by doing that I find I have lost a hell of a lot of so called friends and i barely keep in touch with the others. I have done a complete 180 from being the cetre of attention, egotistical, almost controlling leader of a large group to have completely become a hermet. My friends list is getting ever shorter as I start to see through people now days and everyone I get close to seem to have more mental/ emotional problems than me and I no longer have the energy to deal with other peoples shite. nor even tolerate it.

I believe that my ego was a big factor here always wanting to please others trying to get gratitude I hated it when someone didn't like me. Realising I was like this was what made me look deeper into my life and ways of thinking which has brought me here.

my weeks these days consist of going to work, surfing the net, playing games and cooking. I have my few remaining friends come over once in a while, we always talk heaps like its the old days but i find myself putting on a mask around everyone these days. pretending to be who i was not who i am.

It would be great if I could just put all this down to depression/lonelyness but truth is I'm happy being on my own.

I dont really know what else to say. ah but I have been very paranoid lately!

Hopefully i have helped you see further into my life. I will try to come back with a responce to all those who have written here, thanks.

Brent.

EDIT: Added Note: I suppose there is really no way of understanding where I am at because everyone is unique, what is normal? nothing... and everything!!! I think everyone acts "normal"but deep inside we are all a little crazy, due to being a terrible writer its exceptionally hard for me to get my thoughts to paper. (or on here) and be able to read them back and have them actually mean what they are supposed to. If only I were a telepath... so a single thought could explain everything.