Suffering from a sense of dissociation

[WhiteBear]

Hi, chaps23
Thanks for the insight into your history and current situation. I was wondering, as I was reading, how much the separation of your parents traumatized you, and if that was about the same time as the last time you felt grief. Was the drug use related to your grades slipping and boredom with school? Do you have guilt for selling drugs, and for wearing a mask around your visitors who seem to expect you to behave the way you used to?

I spent most of my youth disassociated in part due to the separation of my parents...I was an only child and was thrust, when my mother remarried, into a rather large family which, due in part to the large age difference between us ( I was 7 years younger than my brother, who was the youngest in the new family), did not accept me. I can identify with some disassociation because of a similar condition.

 

[chaps23]

Hi WhiteBear, Thankyou for your responce. I was too young to remember,

The drug use started late teens and was due to an urge to control and make money, although I made quite a lot I seemed to spend it on drugs and big nights with my so called mates. payed there way 90% of the time which to be honest were some of my greatest fun experiences, but have seen through that shallow world, and I knew it would eventually turn into a tool that police etc could use against me in the future so it was a logical decision to stop.

I am not in anyway made for prison, I could definately end up with an Ar^&hole like a clowns pocket if I wasnt carefull. Alot of my friends were bikers meaning funerals and so many politics always got in the way of things. mind you they were quite an open minnded bunch of blokes. I even spoke to them about this stuff quite often.

I did find myself start to dissociate situations occasionally while i was in the drug industry, (as you have to in that world) did some things I'm not particularly proud of, but its the choice I made and I accept that im on route to becomeing a better person with every passing day.

I have a wonderful family that have been extremely supportive, I am very lucky to have been brought up the way I have as I know most people are not so lucky.

I am curious as to why you have labeled this experience dissociation. It sounds much more like non-identification as you are very aware of what you are experiencing. Also why do you say this is something you want to "fix"? If you are not experiencing pleasure or happiness at the misfortune of others I don't see why you would even consider that you are a psychopath. As you say, you are pretending to have the commonly accepted emotions so as to seem "normal". Is this in some way a form of external considering for you?

Opossum, I will absolutely take the time to respond to you, I am not really sure about what to call it, maybe it is non-dentification. Basically its a feeling of absence when I know I should feel something its like I have lost the ability to sympathize with others, I try to convince myself that its because everyone is on there journey and what they bring in to their life is supposed to be that way. But I wonder/worry it may just be an excuse for my lack of sympathy.

Your last question does raise some very valid points and I will definately consider them. You may very well be right.

some people act completely heinously out of emotion while some less emotional people hold others well-being in high regard.

in psychology it is taught that if you feel you might be going "crazy", for instance, then you are most probably not.
people who fear they are "loosing it", mostly do not have issues with extreme Psychosis because they are aware of the "it" that it is possible to lose.
they have "it" to begin with.
this doesn't exclude the possibility of mental issues that aren't categorized as Psychosis to be present.
i use this only as a corollary to your sense of lack of empathy, because nothing about what you are writing sounds "crazy".

Disasociation, Depersonalization and Derealization can all be either symptoms of depression / anxiety OR can occur on their own for no apparent reason.
i think it might help to read a little bit about them.
many people worldwide experience them and they have not been found to necessarily imply specific mental afflictions.

if you have experienced emotions such as empathy in the past, and now you are alarmed by a seeming lack of them, then you already know that you are capable of empathy.
which is something positive to keep in mind, as not everyone is.

i hope these reflections help in some way, and i look forward to reading the input of other forum members.

Transient, Thankyou I'm certain you have provided me something to think about,

If you have read any of my much earlier threads you will notice a common denominator that I do tend to think too far into things. maybe this is something my mind has done to help me deal with the world or even my future I suppose I quote the cassiopaean's when I say "Wait and see" By pondering this these last few days I have come to realise I'm more likely than not a very sane logical thinker. It just worries me deeply when things happen that normal people would have severe emotional reactions too and I just dont.

I will reply to everyone when I have the time.

Thanks all,

Merry Christmas.
Brent.

 

[Ollie]

chaps23,
...
Disasociation, Depersonalization and Derealization can all be either symptoms of depression / anxiety OR can occur on their own for no apparent reason.
i think it might help to read a little bit about them.
many people worldwide experience them and they have not been found to necessarily imply specific mental afflictions.

Another possible explanation for your dissociation is that it is the past effect of some form of earlier trauma in your life - see Peter Levine's book 'In an Unspoken Voice'. Your past drug use may possibly be a cause of such trauma, too.

if you have experienced emotions such as empathy in the past, and now you are alarmed by a seeming lack of them, then you already know that you are capable of empathy.
which is something positive to keep in mind, as not everyone is.

I agree.

From what you've written, I'd say that you're not a psychopath. The fact that you're concerned about whether you have feelings or not tells me that. My understanding and experience is that psychopaths aren't concerned about that unless it serves them to act concerned about it.

It does sound though as if you might be shut down/closed off a bit with regards to your feelings. This is common when we are narcissistically wounded. I'd suggest that you keep reading the big 5 as they may be instrumental in helping you understand the whys and hows of your situation.

More good advice here too.

If you have read any of my much earlier threads you will notice a common denominator that I do tend to think too far into things. maybe this is something my mind has done to help me deal with the world or even my future I suppose I quote the cassiopaean's when I say "Wait and see" By pondering this these last few days I have come to realise I'm more likely than not a very sane logical thinker. It just worries me deeply when things happen that normal people would have severe emotional reactions too and I just dont.

From what you are saying here, it would appear that you are working primarily through your intellectual centre, and denying your emotional centre - more evidence of the effect of trauma, of shutting off the pain of, the associated emotions of, trauma. And, as one who experiences dissociation, and lack of emotions, even true empathy/external consideration as a result - all as a result of neo-natal trauma - what you are writing here is 'normal' (from my perspective, although I'm working through Levine's exercises to get my brain chemicals back on track, to become normal in the sense that you are implying).

 

[Nienna]

Chaps23, have you considered the fact that doing drugs screws up the brain chemistry and shuts down the emotions? It takes many years to straighten all of this out.

I agree that since you used to feel empathy for others in your earlier years that this is something that points away from you being a psychopath. Also, it points to something you have done since then that has shut your empathy down. And since you have done drugs, this seems rather suspect to me, along with the narcissistic wounding.

Just something for you to think about.

Also, are you doing the EE program?

 

[chaps23]

Chaps23, have you considered the fact that doing drugs screws up the brain chemistry and shuts down the emotions? It takes many years to straighten all of this out.

Definately, I have been waiting till I could afford a GetFitt system before attepmting a fast, I would like to be as detoxed as possible before doing it. Hopefully this clears up some damage. I cant really relate this to loss of all emotion though, why would only some emotions shut down and others not so?

Also, are you doing the EE program?

Still havn't completed a full session. I do the pipe breathing but thats about the full extent of my involvment, my girlfriend cleaned up the lounge room and the DVD is gone! gonna have to buy another copy.

Another possible explanation for your dissociation is that it is the past effect of some form of earlier trauma in your life - see Peter Levine's book 'In an Unspoken Voice'. Your past drug use may possibly be a cause of such trauma, too.

I might grab a copy of this book if you think it will help.

From what you've written, I'd say that you're not a psychopath. The fact that you're concerned about whether you have feelings or not tells me that. My understanding and experience is that psychopaths aren't concerned about that unless it serves them to act concerned about it.

It does sound though as if you might be shut down/closed off a bit with regards to your feelings. This is common when we are narcissistically wounded. I'd suggest that you keep reading the big 5 as they may be instrumental in helping you understand the whys and hows of your situation.

I have purchased a couple of these books, learning just heaps! I love how Martha Stout writes, its just so easy to read.

From what you are saying here, it would appear that you are working primarily through your intellectual centre, and denying your emotional centre - more evidence of the effect of trauma, of shutting off the pain of, the associated emotions of, trauma. And, as one who experiences dissociation, and lack of emotions, even true empathy/external consideration as a result - all as a result of neo-natal trauma - what you are writing here is 'normal' (from my perspective, although I'm working through Levine's exercises to get my brain chemicals back on track, to become normal in the sense that you are implying).

Levines exercizes, first I have heard of these. I will buy this book is there any others in particular?

 

[Ollie]

...

Another possible explanation for your dissociation is that it is the past effect of some form of earlier trauma in your life - see Peter Levine's book 'In an Unspoken Voice'. Your past drug use may possibly be a cause of such trauma, too.

I might grab a copy of this book if you think it will help.

...

From what you are saying here, it would appear that you are working primarily through your intellectual centre, and denying your emotional centre - more evidence of the effect of trauma, of shutting off the pain of, the associated emotions of, trauma. And, as one who experiences dissociation, and lack of emotions, even true empathy/external consideration as a result - all as a result of neo-natal trauma - what you are writing here is 'normal' (from my perspective, although I'm working through Levine's exercises to get my brain chemicals back on track, to become normal in the sense that you are implying).

Levines exercizes, first I have heard of these. I will buy this book is there any others in particular?

Another Levine book has a CD containing exercises - Healing Trauma.

This may help, or not.

 

[Nienna]

Chaps23, have you considered the fact that doing drugs screws up the brain chemistry and shuts down the emotions? It takes many years to straighten all of this out.

I cant really relate this to loss of all emotion though, why would only some emotions shut down and others not so?

The brain is very complicated. Who knows why things affect it as they do? And since everyone is an individual, I would think that results could be different for each person.

I think that the first step you should do is to start the EE program. Also, get the Levine books. They are very good at helping us to get back in touch with ourselves.

 

[chili]

Hey!

I'm new to this but I can tell you I've been going through the same stuff...........some times I thought i was the crazy one. My view is that we are all waking up or listening to something inside, I've been asking myself for a very long time "there's gotta to be more to life than get a good education , good job 9-5 no weekends get married have kids........blah blah blah! Well the way i was raised roman Catholic I basically bucked the system at home ,school work and friends. I've been on comittees and dealt with narrow minded people who don't get it! if we can all get along and work together life would be sweet but apparently thats a dream.........I've quit smoking analogue cigarettes changed my diet over night, dropped alot of people out of my life basically go to work at a job I don't beleive in "pharmacy technician" I really want to help people but some are so stuck in the brainwashing of TV or politicians I've had to bite my lip on many subjects like goverment cover ups and really bad people. I'm married but have a " friend " , which is totally against my morals and still strugling with it. I'm now physically going through some changes like ,feeling buzzing on the top of my head, kinda out of it most times, then high volumes of energy and joy then I crash. I exercise regularly and get my sleep if anyone else is going through this or has suggestions please let me know.

 

[davey72]

I remember thinking this way when i was a kid, and being very worried that i may not be upset, say if someone close to me dies. Well, i was proven wrong, a few times after that, but i can still be that way a lot of the time. I believe that it is due to the way that i was raised, and having been desensitized. I seem to be able to turn it on and off nowadays. When i am in the "caring mode" i don't see how i could have been any other way, but then am able to become complacent once again in a very short time. i am not sure this is a good thing, or what it means, but perhaps being concerned about it is a step in the right direction. I kind of relate it to the fact that i can cringe when i see someone, say with a broken bone, or things like this, yet when it happens in front of me, i can be very cold and calculating in the way that i ignore all the nasty stuff, and step right in to help whomever is involved. Example: An ex of mine slit her wrist to the point that it was several inches wide open, and spurting blood to the ceiling, but i took control, while everyone else was panicking. i wrapped it, and had to run to a pay phone in my socks, as everyone else was useless, yet when i think of something like it now, it just makes me sick.

 

[Maat]

I meant, how is it possible to feel a not-feeling? Sometimes we can find useful clues about ourselves or a little emotional lock that can blow off just by looking at the way we express things. I figure feeling like being trapped in what seems like a hollow place is much different than actually being hollow.

I've forgot to answer this one (even if it wasn't directly address to me but i feel involved) , from my experience you don't feel it, there is something that observes that you don't feel, that's all

 

[Maat]

I'm still unable to edit... so i would just add that I don't know if it was the same for chaps23, but it really could be due to chemicals, this sense of depersonnalization

 

[chaps23]

Hi everyone,

Thanks heaps for finding the time to contribute your thoughts on this matter, I have concluded that this is just me and I bet there are many, many contributing factors that have moulded me into this person over the course of my life. Drugs, Conditioning, Toxic food, Radiation.... List goes on. I have alot to work through in an attempt to heal myself.

I am about to under go a heavy metal detox followed by a 5 days fast to try and kick start my body into healing mode, the new Far Infared cacoon should only be a couple of weeks away so as soon as I get that I'm sure it will help me heaps. In a way I am excited about the challenge of understanding myself (although it is quite stressful at times)

I will order these books today & continue detoxing my mind, body & soul. Thanks everyone for there assistance in my journey, there is a long road ahead and I'm just so happy I have you all here for support.

Best Regards,

Brent.