Suppressing thoughts and emotional states

Smallwood

Jedi Master
Hi everyone, back again.

I may be complicating things again for myself by being way too theoretical, but I think I may be engaging quite a bit in selection and substitution, noticeably since my onset of psychosis (yes, accepting the fact that I'm now mentally ill is still hard, so there is that word again). I seem to suppress uncomfortable emotional states (usually of doubting nature) as well as thoughts. I probably unconsciously do that because I've lost my sense of security and anything perceived by my ego to be a danger to the shaky equilibrium will be suppressed. So, through whatever means I can, I think I should make conscious efforts to establish a better balance and feeling of security before tackling on this lying to myself. So that I can more better able to entertain those dangerous feeling states.

What do you guys think? I do think that since this whole nightmare that happened in last January I've lost my sense of security and ability to function normally I need to concentrate on creating a safe place from which to work on. I can provide more detailed background and reiterate things if you guys think that would make it clearer.
 
Hi Smallwood,

I have delved into your old posts and I notice how much emotional baggage you are carrying with you, you are dealing with quite a lot of stuff.

I think I should make conscious efforts to establish a better balance and feeling of security before tackling on this lying to myself.

How are you doing with your diet? how is the progress in that, and how is EE going?
 
I'm getting to the diet. This time for real. I have a bad coffeine addiction but I will fight it.

As for EE, I don't know if my observation is correct (of the last two days), but something is creating a positive influence in me. I seem to be connecting dots as to how my machine works and I'm taking action to become better. It could be something nefarious but I really hope not since I've been in the bottom of the pit for too long. I'm doing meditation every night and sometimes during the day I recite the POTS in my head. I've forgot to practise pipe-breathing but I will return to it now.
 
Hi Smallwood, just before I came across your post I was reading chapter 10 in Sidney MacDonald Baker's book, Detoxification and Healing, in which Baker discusses fat digestion and metabolism in the human body, and briefly mentions the use of flax oil in mental illness. Here's some quotes from Baker's book which you may find interesting.

S M Baker said:
Dr Andrew Stoll, research director of Harvard University's McLean Hospital, has proven that supplements of omega-3 fatty acids work better than drugs in helping people with bipolar disorder. [...]

When Donald Rudin, M.D., first told me about his studies in the 1970s of oils in the treatment of people with serious mental health problems, he did emphasize that skin problems provide a good handle on spotting people who may benefit from fatty acid supplementation. [...]

Signs of fatty acid problems – basically omega-3 oil deficiency – are among the most reliable among the subtle findings in the nutritional assessments of patients. [...] The clues that can be observed on the skin, however, fall into a spectrum in which a theme of dryness is manifested in different ways. They are:

1. Cracking fingertips – worse in winter.
2. Patchy dullness of the skin, especially on the face, with a subtle patchy variation in the colour of the skin.
3. Mixed oily and dry skin, which, in cosmetic advertisements, is sometimes called combination skin.
4. Chicken skin (phrynoderma, hyperkeratosis foolicularis), which comprises small, rough bumps on the back of the arms.
5. Alligator skin, usually on the lower legs, which develop and irregular quilted appearance with dry patches.
6. Stiff, dry, unmanageable, brittle hair.
7. Seborrhea, cradle cap, dandruff, hair loss.
8. Soft fingernails or brittle fingernails that fray with horizontal splitting.

[Flax oil] was put into use in the 1970s by Donald Rudin, M.D., in high doses (several tablespoons daily) for treatment of individuals with severe mental disease such as schizophrenia and mania. The only problem with flax oil arises in the occasional individual with difficulties putting alpha-linolenic acid to use as a raw material for making EPA and DHA. [...] A brief trial of flax oil is a relatively safe way to test your tolerance and no lab test is a sure predictor of success or failure. The only downside of a three- to four-week trial of flax oil would be a transient worsening or appearance of symptoms that would abate once the oil was discontinued. The value of such an adventure would be that it would point the way to the use of an omega-6 oil found in the seeds of borage, black currant and primrose.

I also found the following, from the Barlean's website, which you may also find of some help.

Barlean's said:
Flax Oil and Mood Disorders II

Omega-3 fatty acids can help in cases of agoraphobia, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, some of the most tragic mental conditions afflicting modern men and women. Just listen to what the patients of Harvard physician Donald Rudin have to say...

Case Reports from the Flax Files
# Kevin was 32 years old. He stayed home almost all of the time and was diagnosed with agoraphobia, a condition in which certain situations, especially being alone in unfamiliar places triggers almost unbearable anxiety.

Kevin suffered from many other unrelated physical complaints, including very dry skin on his hands and shins, tinnitus, spastic colon, spasms of the esophagus, poor sleep, and fatigue.

A psychiatrist at the time prescribed valium. It did not seem to help much at all.

That was when he was sent to the offices of Donald Rudin, a Harvard-educated physician and former director of the Department of Molecular Biology at the Eastern Pennsylvania Psychiatric Institute in Philadelphia. It was during this time that Dr. Rudin began to follow a hunch that something was missing from the average American diet, a special group of fats, called the omega-3 fatty acids, which are derived from only a few foods, particularly several species of seafood and flaxseed.

Following some 2H months of taking three tablespoons of flax oil daily, Kevin's physical complaints improved markedly, including the disappearance of his tinnitus, and lessening of his ordinary headaches and migraines. After one year, Kevin's anxiety whenever he left home disappeared.

# Marta was 35 and had been housebound for eight years, suffering severe anxiety attacks once or twice a month. She also suffered from dry skin, dandruff, food allergies, premenstrual syndrome, arthritis, chronic fatigue, and low blood pressure (hypotension). After about one year of supplementation with two tablespoons of flax oil daily, Marta had found that she could leave her home and travel quite extensively without feeling her usual unbearable anxiety. Most of her physical symptoms also improved.

# Suffering from schizophrenia since she was 16 and now 26, Debi Erin had gone through many hospitalizations in an effort to help her to overcome the daily visual and auditory hallucinations, intrusive thoughts and bizarre, sometimes violent, behavior that she was experiencing. After conventional treatment failed their daughter, her parents sought the help of Dr. Rudin.

"I must admit at first the whole idea sounded bizarre," Debi recalls. "Both my mother and I were skeptical. Was this doctor a mad scientist pushing some kind of snake oil? After all the research trials I had been through, surely this was the silliest idea yet."

"I tried Dr. Rudin's approach anyway. I took 2 tablespoons of linseed [flaxseed] oil plus a vitamin E supplement. . . Oh well, how could it hurt me? I said to myself. Thirty minutes later, I noticed how calm I was becoming. The sensation of worms in my nerves and quivering in my muscles diminished considerably. After one week on this simple program, my ten-year psychosis subsided. . . I've been free of schizophrenia ever since."

Debi has currently completed her college education and is working as a registered nurse.

Nutritional Flax Files
These are only a few examples from the dramatic results Dr. Rudin's patients experienced when omega-3 fatty acid-rich flax oil was added to their diets. Could a simple regimen of additional omega-3 fatty acids help persons whom medical science had failed? The answer appears to be yes.

We should call this report the F Files, much like the popular Fox television series The X Files. Because at the time of his work in the early 1980's, Dr. Rudin was working in an area of science that had been almost totally neglected by modern researchers.

Omega-3 fats make up one of the two families of fats, the omega-3's and the omega-6's, that are absolutely essential to human life. Yet, Dr. Rudin knew that the dietary availability of omega-3 fatty acids had declined to only 20 percent of the level found in diets a century ago.

Also, even during the 1980's when his initial pilot study involving 44 patients took place and nutrition was on so many minds, he observed, "Although we live in a time of nutrition consciousness, when everyone is enthusiastic about restoring nutrients to the diet, omega-3 until recently was virtually ignored."

As a researcher with thirty-five years of experience, Dr. Rudin suspected that many modern diseases were signs of a new kind of malnutrition, an epidemic affecting Americans.

In other words, in his own way, Dr. Rudin was uncovering a supernatural phenomenon the key role that omega-3 fatty acids play in maintaining optimal mental health.

With so many patients at his clinic that simply could not be helped by medical drugs and procedures, the doctor wondered what would happen if the omega-3 fats were restored to their diets. Since Dr. Rudin worked in a clinical setting, he decided to set up a small but representative pilot study, using volunteers suffering from chronic ailments that were not being cured by current conventional treatments. He would add the missing omega-3 oils to their diets and see what happened.

More Case Reports from the Flax Files
# Hilda was a 43-year-old homemaker and mother who had suffered from unipolar depression for six years. Although lithium helped somewhat, almost uncontrollable, violent, murderous thoughts continued to plague her. She suffered from extensive muscle pain, an irritable bowel, and dry, scaly skin, symptoms that may indicate an omega-3 fatty acid deficiency.

# While maintaining her regular medications, she started on three tablespoons of flaxseed oil daily, and her physical ailments began to lessen within only a few weeks. Around the seventh week, her murderous, violent thoughts began to lift. The sense of calm that pervaded her life was something she hadn't experienced in ages, not since the onset of her psychosis.

Around the fourth month, Hilda increased her dosage from three to five tablespoons daily. She went into a mania, the first she ever experienced. Returning to only three tablespoons of flax daily, her mania lifted. "This... demonstrates the need for dosage control, notes Dr. Rudin.

By the seventh month, Hilda's dry skin had completely disappeared and, that winter, she did not develop sore, fissured fingers as she had for so long. Her improvements held steady at the time of the conclusion of the study.

# Ricardo was a 28-year-old paranoid schizophrenic who, for eight years, had suffered from bizarre thoughts and hallucinations. When he watched world events on television, he was convinced that his thoughts influenced their outcome. When he tried to sleep at night, he suffered through "evening movies," hallucinations that lingered for an hour, and that his medication simply could not control. The paranoia that permeated his mind made being with others almost impossible.

Upon taking two to four tablespoons of flax oil daily for a few weeks, the "evening movies" completely stopped, and, over the next few months, his paranoia declined. Anti-psychotic medication still was required, but family members observed that he could enjoy "newfound ease and pleasure in the company of others." Again, dosage is a critical issue. When Ricardo experimented with six to eight tablespoons of flax oil daily, he experienced racing thoughts and feelings that could have led to another psychotic episode. Reducing the dosage brought his condition under reasonable control.

To be sure, not every patient under Dr. Rudin's care experienced such breakthroughs. But of the twelve mental patients whom he treated with flax oil, nine experienced nonpsychotic interludes while using the natural medicine. According to Rudin, "This suggested that improvement was possible on the Omega-3 program."

Abram Hoffer, Other Experts Confirm Rudin's Results
Upon publication of his findings, other doctors began utilizing flax oil as part of their healing protocol for helping patients to regain their mental health. After treating some 27 patients with chronic mental illness for ten years or more, Dr. Abram Hoffer in 1993 reported on his results. While under conventional therapy, around five percent of schizophrenic patients may experience significant gains in mental health. However, in his practice, utilizing omega-3 oils in addition to other nutritional supplements, some eighteen patients could go on to function normally in the everyday world; three improved greatly; five moderately; and, one not at all.

Most recently, it has been suggested that omega-3 fatty acids act in a manner similar to that of lithium carbonate and valproate, two effective treatments for bipolar disorder. To test whether omega-3 fatty acids could help, researchers conducted a four-month, double-blind, placebo-controlled study, comparing omega-3 fatty acids (9.6 g/d) vs placebo (olive oil), in addition to usual treatment, in 30 patients with bipolar disorder. The researchers found that the omega-3 fatty acid patient group had a significantly longer period of remission than the placebo group. In addition, for nearly every other outcome measure, the omega-3 fatty acid group performed better than the placebo group.

The Doctor's Prescription
Clearly, the work of Donald Rudin opens up new pathways of healing in cases of tragic mental states. As we have seen, dosage with flax oil is critical and varies from two to eight tablespoons daily, according to Rudin.

There is more after this, but it's basically a sales pitch for Barlean's flax oil.

I hope this is of some help and I wish you all the best in your struggle. Hang in there.
 
Uh-oh...

This might be bad. It's difficult to explain. I know it may be difficult for you to say anything, it being so weird and all and I hope it is a false concern, but in case it really gets bad I think you guys should know.

Yesterday, I was praying for god/DCM to give me some strength and support... and what followed was almost an instant answer. A new friend of mine called and we had a rather interesting conversation about meaning of life and such things. I told her about some of the things we talk about in this forum. This little conversation reminded me of the inherent logic to all of this stuff that we do and it gave me sort of a drive to start connecting all the bits and pieces that I've read on this forum and from the Big Five psychology books. It was very intuitive thinking with very little effort involved, just connecting all the things that I know to a coherent whole. I also thought of ways to make my situation overall better, like practical things for when predator gets going and so on. At one point I think I almost felt love towards the general aim of the Work. The same continued today to my amazement. I was journaling this luckily.

But tonight as I was having a cig outside I happened to see what seemed like an UFO on the sky and since I have previously had a disturbing dream that I think was abduction-related, I thought "Well this time, I'm going to resist!". So I went to bed (at about 1am), did the meditation in order to give me some strength to resist any possible abduction. I thought that I should get some sleep in order to be able to resist better (yes, I was way far into the fear thinking now), but these intuitive thoughts wanted to keep on coming and I wasn't going to get any sleep if I continued on them I thought. So I thought I should just give it a rest and wait for sleep.

And then anxiety hits me. Technically this shouldn't happen since I've taken my meds. I'm also unable to fall asleep. This wanting to go to sleep rather than going with the flow has happened earlier and it was exactly the point at which I became ill.

Well, I'm going back to the mental hospital today where they can drug me numb :/. If the antipsychotics stop working though, what is left are benzos and sleeping meds. And those ain't pretty.
 
Smallwood said:
And then anxiety hits me. Technically this shouldn't happen since I've taken my meds. I'm also unable to fall asleep. This wanting to go to sleep rather than going with the flow has happened earlier and it was exactly the point at which I became ill.

Well, I'm going back to the mental hospital today where they can drug me numb :/. If the antipsychotics stop working though, what is left are benzos and sleeping meds. And those ain't pretty.

Smallwood,

I couldn't help but notice just how up and down this post is. First you seem to be flying high and seeing some rational ways to approach your problems, then you seem to dive back into baseless fear and paranoia.

I think the advise given in this thread so far to start working on your diet is some good advise. It sounds like you really need to stabilize your brain chemistry, and soon.
 
Regarding sleep patterns, try to get up at the same time everyday and just go to bed when you feel tired. I've started doing half an hour of stretches before I go to bed and it's amazing how quickly I get off to sleep after that. It just gets me so relaxed.

Maybe you could try that too.
 
Well, I managed to get some sleep first for about two hours, then again two hours then six hours. But I'm not feeling very rested. This is just so weird. I hope it goes away, at the least the anxiety is gone. But if the sleep doesn't get better, it can only mean problems. Jeez!

edit: What could have contributed to this was that I had a few drinks and a lot of coffee yesterday. So, I'll definitely stop drinking coffee, it has been reported bad for mental health I think. The booze isn't good either and I should know better.
 
Smallwood said:
But tonight as I was having a cig outside I happened to see what seemed like an UFO on the sky and since I have previously had a disturbing dream that I think was abduction-related, I thought "Well this time, I'm going to resist!". So I went to bed (at about 1am), did the meditation in order to give me some strength to resist any possible abduction. I thought that I should get some sleep in order to be able to resist better (yes, I was way far into the fear thinking now), but these intuitive thoughts wanted to keep on coming and I wasn't going to get any sleep if I continued on them I thought. So I thought I should just give it a rest and wait for sleep.

I've been through this too. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You expect there to be some interference/abduction before going to sleep? Been there for years, on and off. No-one could expect to be relaxed enough to get off to sleep with a frame of mind like that.

With me, I just try to empty my mind of any thoughts whatsoever these days, and it is easier said than done. The meditation cd is on my ipod now and I listen to it nearly every night. And I can feel the tension as I do so. And then I go to sleep, or at least try. All sorts of fearful and nagging thoughts run. I don't think I can call them programs, because I am becoming more conscious of how lazy (now that's a program) I have been. I'll list the classics, as they stick out like a sore thumb.

1: Guilt about not doing any meaningful reading these days outside of the Sott/forum. This is surely genuine guilt on my part. My conscience keeping me awake.

2:Guilt about not caring enough about those close to me, because I'm so preoccupied with my own worries. Also I have been very paranoid about the intentions of others towards me, to the point of hostility. It has almost never taken outward expression, thankfully.

3:Endless guilt about my overly sexualised past. The baggage is lessening as I realise how futile paying it any mind is.

Do you have any idea of the roots of your anxieties which surface when trying to get to sleep? Galahad gave me some great advice on this one, and I've taken it to heart. Blockages of an emotional and psychological nature.

And I've got to say my sleep is getting better. It could hardly have gotten worse, I've struggled with insomnia for six or seven years.

I don't know your situation, but what I have discerned about myself, through agonising self analysis, is that the roots of my psychosis is a schism, a divide, between my positive intentions and lacklusture efforts. However this whole "I'm just not good enough, I'm just not doing enough" mantra is often highly STS in itself, because it has turned my intent into a competitive mission. Plus it reminds me of Bill Hick's jokes about the health nut Jim Fix. To work on so many levels simultaneously can lead to overload in itself!!

I'm trying to seek a balance between the chilled-out and the diligent, and it's proving to be excrutiatingly difficult. I had real delusions of grandeur, and now realise that I need to scale down my ambitions to the seeking of a balanced life.

So many members have told me to look seriously into changing my diet and supplementation, and others above have for you too. As BB King once said, "everyone cannot be wrong". Time to take the advice I reckon. :) I am awaiting an appointment with a health/diet practitioner, because after a life of unimaginative eating practices I need a structured program from a professional in order to proceed. And in order to find out what foods work for me, and this is most important. She stressed this in my phone call. In the meantime, wheat products are by and large off the menu. I still love beans though. :-[ Probably idiotic on my part, starch and maize in them, but I cannot starve. Brown rice has taken over from bread nowadays, but I am warming up this week for my first buckwheat experiment. Should be fun.

The consultation with the practioner I am seeing will cost me about £50 to begin with. It's a small price to pay in search of sanity. I used to buy a video game for that!!!

If you have anyone in your area who can help you with this kind of thing, I reckon it would be a good start.

As a side note, I love mackerel, and it is high in omega 3. Great with salads. Still battling with coffee myself though. I also drink herbal teas, but they just don't taste as good, dammit.

Hang in there and try not to lose hope. Nobody ever said that life was going to be easy, and look around the world. It is hell. So many people are suffering. If a person is in anyway awake or normal, then I reckon they'll be feeling bad about something or other. Try and take the baby steps first, it was good advice given to me (and thank you! I needed to hear it so much!!) and it relieves the burden of pressure.

Try not to have unrealistic expectations too, or you'll just fall to pieces when you don't get instant results. That's what has been happening to me recently. It may never fully come together, but that doesn't mean that one shouldn't try, but I'm projecting on that one.

Take care. :flowers:
 
Smallwood said:
Well, I managed to get some sleep first for about two hours, then again two hours then six hours. But I'm not feeling very rested. This is just so weird. I hope it goes away, at the least the anxiety is gone. But if the sleep doesn't get better, it can only mean problems. Jeez!

edit: What could have contributed to this was that I had a few drinks and a lot of coffee yesterday. So, I'll definitely stop drinking coffee, it has been reported bad for mental health I think. The booze isn't good either and I should know better.

smallwood,

you may want to Read this thread, if you haven't panic attacks
Did you try 5-HTP therapy before the sleep.
Try writing down the dairy before the sleep about all the impressions. when you write or type you will find lot of stuff out rather than mere thinking.
doing EE before the sleep and Diet changes will help.

Did you read the book "Operators and Things". If not, You may want to read it. Understand it is easy some times


Hang in there and try not to lose hope. Nobody ever said that life was going to be easy, and look around the world. It is hell. So many people are suffering. If a person is in anyway awake or normal, then I reckon they'll be feeling bad about something or other. Try and take the baby steps first, it was good advice given to me (and thank you! I needed to hear it so much!!) and it relieves the burden of pressure.

Try not to have unrealistic expectations too, or you'll just fall to pieces when you don't get instant results. That's what has been happening to me recently. It may never fully come together, but that doesn't mean that one shouldn't try, but I'm projecting on that one.
I agree.
 
Hi, I've been away from computer for a few days.

Nothing bad has happened, just reporting that the anxiety went away and I have been able to sleep. I guess it was just a matter of being overexcited.

edit: oh and thanks for responses!
 
Smallwood said:
What could have contributed to this was that I had a few drinks and a lot of coffee yesterday.

I think if you really want to get better, healthier, you should stop drinking both coffee and alcohol.
 
T.C. said:
Smallwood said:
What could have contributed to this was that I had a few drinks and a lot of coffee yesterday.

I think if you really want to get better, healthier, you should stop drinking both coffee and alcohol.

I agree. I thought that alcohol and meds like what you take were incompatible. I imagine it would be extremely helpful that you not set yourself up for increased excitability by adding more stimulants to your body's chemical state. fwiw. :)
 
Smallwood said:
Nothing bad has happened, just reporting that the anxiety went away and I have been able to sleep. I guess it was just a matter of being overexcited.
If you know once you enter an "overexciting state" you are not able to control negative thought patterns, why don't you avoid drinks and foods that may lead you to that state?

Bud said:
T.C. said:
Smallwood said:
What could have contributed to this was that I had a few drinks and a lot of coffee yesterday.
I think if you really want to get better, healthier, you should stop drinking both coffee and alcohol.
I agree. I thought that alcohol and meds like what you take were incompatible. I imagine it would be extremely helpful that you not set yourself up for increased excitability by adding more stimulants to your body's chemical state. fwiw. :)

Indeed, it is simply irresponsible on your part Smallwood, there is no way we can be in control of our thought processes in a toxic body, you become then a terrified expectator of them.
Praying will do nothing if you are not responsible at all levels, and your body is one of them.
 
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