Taking care of oneself

[Alada]

I must continue writing in a new post, because this phone cant handle all that text. As I was saying, practical - what is practical? I can help her physicaly with things I can and do help her with, but I cant help her with actual training, getting off the couch and moving if she doesnt do it herself.

I am not her, and what can I do that is practical and not just advice or words, regarding getting healthy and fit, as you said it? Am I to lift her and run with her on my back around the neighbourhood?

Well maybe not that, but the next best thing perhaps? Go for walks together, go to the park or places you know that she likes just to get out of the house and be active - together. And talk, walking and talking is good, but maybe not about what you think and what you want, but ask her about what she thinks, what she wants, what she would like to be doing. If she just wants to watch tv to escape at the moment, maybe find some movies you can happily watch together.

So it’s not just thinking of practical things to do in terms of exercise right off the bat, but more things you can do to re-connect, to show an interest and support her better that way first. Perhaps then something can change in her later if she sees you trying to make an extra effort in other ways first?

 

[Oxajil]

Hi flycat,

And, no, my wife wasnt like this when we were living alone, but she denies having changed. Maybe she doesnt see it.

Reading your description of her mother makes me wonder how it must've been for your wife growing up with her. I remember reading from the book the Myth of Sanity of how one girl would physically get sick when she would visit her parents' house. When she got out, she got better. I wonder if moving into her mother's house triggered all kinds of programs in her that makes her want to dissociate. Maybe that is her way of coping with difficulties and causes of stress that may be unknown to her. And certain people can be quite draining, which could explain her loss of energy. I don't know, just a couple of thoughts. It's a tough situation. I guess what I would do is to find a way to get back to getting a house for the family alone, and then maybe go into therapy and sort such issues out if nothing else would work. I also think it's a good idea not to try to start any fights, and to really try to position yourself in her situation, and see what kind of approach could help her best. I really like Alada's suggestions above, I was thinking about that earlier as well when I thought of your situation. Like taking her out for dinner outside of the house, and having an open conversation. Sometimes people just want to be listened to and not be instructed to do this or that. Not saying you do, but there it is. Hope this helps any.

 

[flycat]

I must continue writing in a new post, because this phone cant handle all that text. As I was saying, practical - what is practical? I can help her physicaly with things I can and do help her with, but I cant help her with actual training, getting off the couch and moving if she doesnt do it herself.

I am not her, and what can I do that is practical and not just advice or words, regarding getting healthy and fit, as you said it? Am I to lift her and run with her on my back around the neighbourhood?

Well maybe not that, but the next best thing perhaps? Go for walks together, go to the park or places you know that she likes just to get out of the house and be active - together. And talk, walking and talking is good, but maybe not about what you think and what you want, but ask her about what she thinks, what she wants, what she would like to be doing. If she just wants to watch tv to escape at the moment, maybe find some movies you can happily watch together.

So it’s not just thinking of practical things to do in terms of exercise right off the bat, but more things you can do to re-connect, to show an interest and support her better that way first. Perhaps then something can change in her later if she sees you trying to make an extra effort in other ways first?

I have tried that, and sometimes it happens, most of the time she does not want it. But I will try harder. Good ideas here.

 

[flycat]

Hi flycat,

And, no, my wife wasnt like this when we were living alone, but she denies having changed. Maybe she doesnt see it.

Reading your description of her mother makes me wonder how it must've been for your wife growing up with her. I remember reading from the book the Myth of Sanity of how one girl would physically get sick when she would visit her parents' house. When she got out, she got better. I wonder if moving into her mother's house triggered all kinds of programs in her that makes her want to dissociate. Maybe that is her way of coping with difficulties and causes of stress that may be unknown to her. And certain people can be quite draining, which could explain her loss of energy. I don't know, just a couple of thoughts. It's a tough situation. I guess what I would do is to find a way to get back to getting a house for the family alone, and then maybe go into therapy and sort such issues out if nothing else would work. I also think it's a good idea not to try to start any fights, and to really try to position yourself in her situation, and see what kind of approach could help her best. I really like Alada's suggestions above, I was thinking about that earlier as well when I thought of your situation. Like taking her out for dinner outside of the house, and having an open conversation. Sometimes people just want to be listened to and not be instructed to do this or that. Not saying you do, but there it is. Hope this helps any.

I have a feeling she resents her (wife resents mother) in some way. Will write more later or tomorrow about it, have a few thoughts on the subject.

 

[Minas Tirith]

Exchanging wheat for other flours is a first good step. But also try to limit your bread intake in general. For example, for me it was difficult in the beginning not to eat bread in the morning, so I had two slices then, but tried to absolutely not have any more bread during the day. Same with Stevia and sugar. Do not just simply exchange, but try to get away from it. It is a slow process, so take one step at a time. Stevia can be found in organic health food stores, if you do not want to order online.

Have you seen the booklet that forum members put together in the March 23 Cassiopeian session thread? You can also find a chapter about how to progress towards the Ketogenic diet in simple steps there.

Well maybe not that, but the next best thing perhaps? Go for walks together, go to the park or places you know that she likes just to get out of the house and be active - together. And talk, walking and talking is good, but maybe not about what you think and what you want, but ask her about what she thinks, what she wants, what she would like to be doing. If she just wants to watch tv to escape at the moment, maybe find some movies you can happily watch together.

I was thinking along the same lines, you do not seem to do a lot of things together. What a about a night out? No beer, of course :) Does she have any friends? It is difficult to diagnose anything from a distance, but your description points a bit in the direction that she might not only be just a passive "type", but suffer from depression.

And, most importantly of all:
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

Have you ever talked to her about your needs in the relationship? Address them. It seems you are all caught up in the same spiral: Taking care of others ... Yes, you, too :)

Good luck,
Emmeya

 

[flycat]

Just to chime in quickly, thanks all for your opinions, I have read them all and I am thinking about it.

Just wanted to say that it was a hell of a day today. Being tired and all, I came home from work only to find her baking cookies. And she can barely stand, has trouble walking (says her back trouble her). I ask why isnt she resting. She says she has to bake the cookies, at which point I am simply out of words. She fumes, and sulks about baking cookies and it eventually rubs off on me.

Mind you, she is furious about being tired, and still bakes them. I try to tell her that everything is good in moderation, and she goes off into extremes, how she wont cook and clean, but just rest. I cant seem to make her grasp the idea that such behaviour isnt good.

The son was at a relative, so it wasnt a problem for her to get some rest, but she simply wont. She exhausts herself completely and then resents everything because she is exhausted.

In the end I gave up reasoning and went to practice yoga to cool off. I was angry today. Later, when she vented, she was ok while I was angry. An unhealthy dynamic here maybe? However, yoga always calms me, so it helped today too. I also noticed how draining being angry is. A complete psyhical and mental drain.

So now Im off to bed. But just to let you all know how it goes. I do not know is this worth it, burning myself out like this. Burning out on the job, and at home. Is this the right thing to do, preserve, or call it quits and go away. I am tired and probably too emotionsl to think straight, so Im off to bed.