Teen Eating Disorder- Advice please!

[truth seeker]

I think it might also be useful to take the burden on yourself and tell your daughter that you are very sorry that you were not there for her and that you have issues to fix and you'll be going to a therapist to see if you can't be a better parent. In short, take some of that burden off of her. Acknowledge that most of the problems are your own failings and you want to get better and make it up to her and try to make everything better.

Agree. Perhaps by seeing a therapist, you'll gain some valuable tools that will help you to interact with your daughter in ways that will benefit all of you, so a win/win for everyone.

If you haven't read it yet, the book The Emotional Incest Syndrome by Dr. Patricia Love may be helpful as well.

 

[theos]

Hi Rx.

I see things similarly as Laura, Oxajil and truth seeker. I've worked with troubled children in the past and in my view, 99% of the time the child is simply reflecting the issues within the family. It's not the child's issue. It's a family issue. When reading your initial post my first thought was that your daughter should not go to a psychologist and it should be handled within the family. After reading your post explaining further there were clearly some unhealthy dynamics that you don't seem to be fully aware of. It's hard to admit that there are some narcissistic family dynamics at play. After all, person doesn't wake up in the morning and vow to make their child's life a misery. But your behavior while depressed showed that you were focusing on your own needs at the expense of meeting your childrens' needs.

You wrote that you felt as if you were unable to handle this situation without the help of a psychologist. I think it would be of most benefit for you to seek out therapy for yourself to gain the tools that you need in order to effectively meet your children's needs because if you think about it, if your daughter had therapy she will still have to return home to the same dynamic after the sessions are over.

 

[Meg]

Not a narcissistic family here. I read the book a few years ago and picked it up again to be sure. That's not it. I am very much about the health and well being of my family and I'm always listening for their perspectives on the choices I make for them or we decide to make together so that everyone understands that we are making the best decisions possible. I think you may have got the impression that I was being a narcissist because I said I was busy focusing on my own problems.

"The Narcissistic Family" is a descriptive model of families. It’s about dysfunction in families. It isn’t about narcissists, though some parents in the model can be. The Pressmans cover that issue in the beginning of chapter 3. You could almost re-title that book “The Average Family”. Most of us grew up in families with the dynamics described in the book. If we don’t address the programming that we learned in that environment, we re-create it in our own families and relationships. From what I’ve read in your replies, it seems to me that your children are unable to express their feelings and get their needs met and it’s coming out in other ways. It’s worth reading again since you have not read it in a while.

We all struggle with these programs because of the narcissistic, psychopathic nature of the world that shapes the rules of our society and families. Almost no one escapes the effects of it - our STS-ness. It’s part of the prison we are in and the lessons we are here to learn, I think. Like others who have posted, I think you would benefit from therapy to deal with your issues. Hope this helps. :)

 

[Adaryn]

I think it might also be useful to take the burden on yourself and tell your daughter that you are very sorry that you were not there for her and that you have issues to fix and you'll be going to a therapist to see if you can't be a better parent. In short, take some of that burden off of her. Acknowledge that most of the problems are your own failings and you want to get better and make it up to her and try to make everything better.

After reading your clarifications, Rx, I would agree that it'd probably be better if you yourself saw a therapist and examine your possible role in your daughter's issues. If there's a negative dynamic within the family that needs to be addressed, and if your daughter was the one seeing a therapist (placing the burden on fixing the situation on her), what could she possibly tell them? A child caught in a narcissistic family dynamic - note that I'm not saying at all that you're a narcissist, I'm just talking about the dynamics - wouldn't see it, and wouldn't make the connexion between her eating issues/stress etc. and her parents' behavior towards them - especially if it's very subtle. She'd probably seek to protect you, and claim that her family's perfect. The responsibility of seeing the problem and do something about it in terms of correcting their own behavior thus has to fall on the parents - as responsible adults, as the persons who do have the knowledge and the power to correct things.
Also, I think it'd be very good for your daughter to hear those simple words: "I am very sorry that I was not there for you". Sometimes a simple thing like that, like saying "I'm sorry", "I love you", "I understand your pain/suffering, and the problem doesn't come from YOU, it's just that Mom needs to address some issues that have nothing to do with you", or something along those lines, can do a lot (as in lifting the weight off their shoulders) and be very healing for the child.

 

[Chad]

I found watching a number of documentaries on the subject very enlightening. Because hunger is such a powerful drive that it takes quite the distortion to subjugate it, osit.

Some of them showed that there is a cultural influence - the bringing in of television brought an increase in those susceptible to anorexia - others focused on the issues between parent and child, mainly communication. Added: I would say primarily the 'looking elsewhere' for role models is due to their absence in the home, due to the pain experienced at home - Gabor Mate says alot about this.

Others have given good advice, and the only experience i have with children is being one, so fwiw.

What i understood was that suffering from an eating disorder was primarily a desire to find control in ones life. Oftentimes there were inferences about childhood itself, and wishing to revert back to youth, or to at least postpone adulthood. Which i think could relate to the idea of control, responsibility, and maybe even abandonment (a wish to return to the easy/good times?).

This would seem to come back to the issues you have noted Rx.

It doesn't help that, actually, these behaviours (can) receive positive reinforcement from society, so actually the issue can be twofold. I would second the notion, if i understand the others correctly, that it will be primarily triggered from the feeling of destabiisation within the family and the child is attempting to find stability and reliable feedback. Ones body being the only one that can be relied upon? There also may be some feeling of catharsis depending how much 'harm' the child is meting out to themselves.

I wish you the best Rx and sharing the issue i am sure will help others. I for sure have learnt alot from the responses already.

 

[RGG]

I think it might also be useful to take the burden on yourself and tell your daughter that you are very sorry that you were not there for her and that you have issues to fix and you'll be going to a therapist to see if you can't be a better parent. In short, take some of that burden off of her. Acknowledge that most of the problems are your own failings and you want to get better and make it up to her and try to make everything better.

After reading your clarifications, Rx, I would agree that it'd probably be better if you yourself saw a therapist and examine your possible role in your daughter's issues. If there's a negative dynamic within the family that needs to be addressed, and if your daughter was the one seeing a therapist (placing the burden on fixing the situation on her), what could she possibly tell them? A child caught in a narcissistic family dynamic - note that I'm not saying at all that you're a narcissist, I'm just talking about the dynamics - wouldn't see it, and wouldn't make the connexion between her eating issues/stress etc. and her parents' behavior towards them - especially if it's very subtle. She'd probably seek to protect you, and claim that her family's perfect. The responsibility of seeing the problem and do something about it in terms of correcting their own behavior thus has to fall on the parents - as responsible adults, as the persons who do have the knowledge and the power to correct things.
Also, I think it'd be very good for your daughter to hear those simple words: "I am very sorry that I was not there for you". Sometimes a simple thing like that, like saying "I'm sorry", "I love you", "I understand your pain/suffering, and the problem doesn't come from YOU, it's just that Mom needs to address some issues that have nothing to do with you", or something along those lines, can do a lot (as in lifting the weight off their shoulders) and be very healing for the child.

Sorry for late reply- mom duties including late night volunteer shifts and kids coming down with the flu one by one kept me from responding properly.

It has been acknowledged at how poorly I adjusted to our move and it was clearly recognized by my daughter when a cousin of mine asked how we had settled into our new home. She pointed right at me and said that I " did the worst!". But I love your idea of approaching a conversation that reinforces those important concepts more clearly and will include it in the next appropriate conversation.

I've already told her how proud I am that she identified this on her own, asked for help and that we all need help getting through difficulties but I'm going to add in the example of myself also. I've avoided it until now because the nature of my problems are not what an adolescent needs to hear but I will just refer to my own crises as the car accident plus difficulties adjusting ( missing my job, friends etc) which are also part of the truth and leave the other part out and make a point that I had to get help too. I'll mention how sorry I am that I wasn't there for her when she needed me, that I love her and we'll work together to help her so she has a complete and honest message.

After talking with a mental health worker myself who thinks that my daughter should see professional psychologist even though I brought up the concern that it might make her feel like we're shipping her off because she's the problem (the concern Laura and you have), my daughter and I have adopted the following strategy: I'm going to help her make healthy food choices on the weekends when she feels like she might get out of control and start binging( I don't see her eating as particularly problematic here but she does and that's what is important) and she is going to eat ALL of her lunch and a healthy snack after school plus dinner otherwise, no dancing. We are going to continue this unless she can't manage and then we'll move on to a plan B. I'm not sure what plan B will be yet, but I do have the names of a few psychologists in my back pocket just in case. My daughter also knows that this is the current strategy too but I'm happy to report that her first full week went well with no problems and she even indulged in hot chocolate a few times (was -30C here- yikes!) as well as a few other treats. I'm currently biting my tongue concerning my whole sugar-is-evil diatribe at the moment because I just want her to feel like she's a normal Canadian teen and I don't want her counting calories. She even mentioned that she liked the 'vanilla custard' I made (AKA fat bomb) and would be happy to have that as a nutritious snack at dance which is great, because then I know I'm getting some healthy fats into her. Her doctor wants her to visit with the nutritionist which I'm still leery about so i haven't booked anything with that yet.

As for me, I did receive a bit of counseling before my procedure but it was quite clear to me that I needed some support after I had crawled out of that depression last winter also. At the time, the thread about Patrick and spirit release was popular and after reading the transcripts posted there, I thought it would help me too in many ways. My primary motivation was to get rid of what Patrick calls a "fallen angel" that I KNEW was part of the reason for the extreme amounts of drama and trauma me and my family had been experiencing for the last 7 years first so it would stop and I could get a chance to actually heal properly from something. Therapy was the plan afterwards. Until the time of my session at the beginning of Sept this year, I spent the summer with my kids outside swimming and hanging out with family and trying to get my energy back up. I did yoga with my mom 3X/week which helped a lot.

When I began the session with Patrick, he had me begin describing some of the most traumatic incidents to feel out where I was at. He stopped me 1/2 way through the first one and wanted me to notice how detached from emotions I was while recounting it. I didn't see what he was talking about at all. After a bit more talking it turned out that I had split a piece of myself away that was responsible for containing the emotions from the traumas that could not be dealt with (I think I created this split of my other self when I was abused as a very small child actually). Since all of the traumas happened in such quick succession that I had only enough time to research causes and solutions (on the forum usually) before the next thing would happen, this part of me was tasked with containing everything not resolved. He guided me through re-integrating this part of myself and releasing the feelings of responsibility for having to hide these emotions away which I had been doing because I needed to be their for my family members. It was AMAZING. I thought about it later and figured that a good therapist probably wouldn't have been able to guide me through this in less than 2 years and he'd done it in 45 min!! I was very happy with my successes and planned to post about it on the forum but I lost access to the thread dedicated to Patrick because it was moved. Anyway, eventually I had enough will power and energy to get myself into Keto also this fall and everything for me has been really good since then. One thing I have noticed is that when emotional situations do come up, they are in technicolor compared to before so I'm relearning to manage them; more awareness during EE practice and most importantly time and space to deal which I've never had. This latest situation has brought on that awareness actually so I may have been overreacting a bit. Not according to the doctors though!

Thank you for everyone's advice here. I'm not sure i'm doing the exact right thing with my daughter but I'll continue with updates so I can receive support in the trouble-shooting if needed. I'm very much looking forward to opinions on how I'm handling it so far.