The 4 Fundamental Pillars of Emotional Intelligence

[Lindenlea]

thank you obyvatel for the nice list.

Yes, thank you also.

Thank you from me too. Just what I need.

 

[Rich]

3) Make your goals public: accountability is a powerful motivator for change. If others are aware and involved with observing or even monitoring your progress, there is far greater chance that you would meet your goals and keep commitments.

This is a good one obyvatel. Usually I find myself deliberately avoiding making my goals public to avoid that accountability. Fearful in a way that if I announce that I'm going to do xyz that the added pressure will put the death knell on it. Can see the logic in using that fear as a motivator instead.

 

[obyvatel]

Some thoughts on self talk and its import. The adage "sticks and stones can break bones but words cannot hurt me" has been proved to be false from research. Words convey information that affect our whole bodies and have a profound impact on our consciousness. I think that the way we talk to ourselves (or how different parts or "I's" inside us talk to each other) mirrors the way we talk to others. If I call myself an idiot when I make a mistake, I am very likely to at least internally say "idiot" when I see someone else make a mistake. If I say "I always ...... " or "I never ......" , then I am very likely to apply these absolutes to other people or situations too. "Always", "never" in their common usage are false most of the time - so we are lying or providing false information to ourselves and others when we use them inappropriately. If false information fractures our consciousness, then this is something to watch out for.

If my intellect takes up a superior attitude towards my emotions, I tend to adopt a similar attitude when I see similar situations with others. Improving communication between the parts of myself - specially emotions and reason - where each side has its say enriches the overall understanding of the situation.

Gurdjieff suggested not to call everything "I". It is possible to do this when indulging in self talk. Acknowledgement is related to knowing and accepting what is known. When interacting with others, using a person's name to address him or her has the effect of acknowledging the person and is regarded as a proper social etiquette. Having personally meaningful names for certain parts of ourselves (more descriptive than emotion and reason, could be fictional or real life characters) could be useful. When having an inner emotional storm, it helps to say to oneself that "X is holding stage now, let the others hear her story" to keep oneself being completely identified with that storm. Choosing someone whom we look up to as an inner arbitrator or deputy steward as Gurdjieff called it could be helpful. It is old Stoic advice to ask " what would Socrates or Diogenes or Zeno say or do in such situation?"

Self talk cannot and should not replace networking. After all, my inner Socrates would only be developed to the extent of my being. The point I wanted to make is that we can prevent harm and even derive some benefit from something like self talk that goes on constantly by following some basic principles of good communication techniques.

Fwiw

 

[SMM]

Thanks whitecoast for the thread, & for everyone's input.

3) Make your goals public: accountability is a powerful motivator for change. If others are aware and involved with observing or even monitoring your progress, there is far greater chance that you would meet your goals and keep commitments.

This is a good one obyvatel. Usually I find myself deliberately avoiding making my goals public to avoid that accountability. Fearful in a way that if I announce that I'm going to do xyz that the added pressure will put the death knell on it. Can see the logic in using that fear as a motivator instead.

Should you differentiate between which goals are made public, within reason, or does this simply mean all goals?

 

[obyvatel]

3) Make your goals public: accountability is a powerful motivator for change. If others are aware and involved with observing or even monitoring your progress, there is far greater chance that you would meet your goals and keep commitments.

This is a good one obyvatel. Usually I find myself deliberately avoiding making my goals public to avoid that accountability. Fearful in a way that if I announce that I'm going to do xyz that the added pressure will put the death knell on it. Can see the logic in using that fear as a motivator instead.

Should you differentiate between which goals are made public, within reason, or does this simply mean all goals?

Hi SMM,
The idea is to give yourself the best chance of meeting the goals that you set for yourself. Research shows the idea that "willpower alone is enough" does not cut it for most people trying to change long-standing ingrained habits. Willpower is needed but the reserves are limited ( willpower discussion link ) and we can use any and all help we can get from our environment. Environmental help takes two forms - other people and objects in our environment.

Regarding people, one has to choose the person suitably and be open about what one is setting out to achieve and what exactly is expected from the helper. If you want help to stick with a diet, choosing a helper who guzzles junk food and scoffs at diets is not a good idea. Such a person is likely to be a hindrance rather than help in overt or subtle ways and you are better off avoiding such a person and not even letting him/her know what you are up to if possible. On the other hand a person who is not into your diet but is neutral and mature enough to simply do what you ask him to do may be a good choice. You can ask this person to monitor your progress - like by asking you periodically how things are going or using other more creative ways. In general, a goal you choose is for your betterment and confiding about it to someone you can trust to be helpful should not cause problems imo. But choose your "public" wisely if you decide to announce your goal. Hope this helps.

One of the ways that has been found to be effective in the matter of sticking to a goal is by exploiting the human bias towards loss aversion . If we are very serious about some goal, we can set up a system where we give up something we value (maybe money or something else) if we slip up and ask someone else to oversee the process to ensure accountability.

Paying attention to the environment is also very important when striving to change long-standing habits. Like in the case of choice of people to avoid or seek out, controlling one's environment to help oneself succeed goes a long way. We know from the "adaptive unconscious" that we are influenced by many things in our environment while being completely oblivious about it. If exercising more is a goal, then having exercise equipment and other cues that remind ourselves of exercising in plain sight and stowing away, getting rid of or at least making less conspicuous the distractions that keep us from exercising is useful. Usefulness of reminders comes with an expiration date - they can soon fade into the background and cease to have an effect. So changing reminders periodically becomes necessary.

When working towards a change, we can usually do pretty well most of the time but there comes some "crucial moments" when a lot of often unrelated stressors add up to make us slip. Identifying these crucial moments and getting as much help as possible from other people and the environment along with having a practiced repertory of relevant self-awareness and self-management skills can help see us through these moments. Once we are over a hump, new habits gets progressively easier as they become the new "default state" through rewiring of the brain.

 

[Rich]

Should you differentiate between which goals are made public, within reason, or does this simply mean all goals?

Yes. I'd say differentiate because each goal is context specific and the 'who to' is important as obyvatel says:

Regarding people, one has to choose the person suitably and be open about what one is setting out to achieve and what exactly is expected from the helper. If you want help to stick with a diet, choosing a helper who guzzles junk food and scoffs at diets is not a good idea.

 

[Leòmhann]

During the process of performing a Cass Forum search on the keyword 'stoics' (in relation to Laura's having mentioned today [http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,31767.msg426148.html#msg426148] in her post on topic "Show #24: Who was Jesus?", I checked and read this posting thread, which was listed in the corresponding Search Results that came up.

whitecoast, thank you so very much for your original post ("The 4 Fundamental Pillars of Emotional Intelligence") and for the link you provided. Extremely enlightening and helpful!

To all others participating in this forum topic, big thanks to you also! obyvatel, I also loved your postings, and came away with an extremely relevant, contextual piece of information regarding stoic philosophy and its contributing benefit in practical application:

17) Accept that change is just around the corner: this one has also got a Stoic ring to it. Stoics advised
imagining change, especially negative change, to immunize and prepare oneself if or when it came to pass. Setting aside time to contemplate possible changes and focusing on actions that could be executed at present to prepare as well as planning appropriate actions suitable for the time when the situation materializes helps to boost confidence in your ability to self manage and handle what may come your way.

ajseph, likewise, I agree with what you wrote here:

The article you posted contains common sense with alot of depth to it! It shows how a human being should go about being a human being in a practical way without wiseacreing. Perhaps this would be good in the science of the spirit section of sott because it is applicable to life?

I can definitely see that others might perceive some of what I share as my being a wiseacre! Sheeesh! Likewise, practical applications of this knowledge may come in handy contextually in instances like those here _http://www.sott.net/article/263908-Zimmerman-acquitted-of-Trayvon-Martin-murder#comment87957 .

Again, huge thanks to all!!

 

[Olesya]

During the process of performing a Cass Forum search on the keyword 'stoics' (in relation to Laura's having mentioned today [http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,31767.msg426148.html#msg426148] in her post on topic "Show #24: Who was Jesus?", I checked and read this posting thread, which was listed in the corresponding Search Results that came up.

whitecoast, thank you so very much for your original post ("The 4 Fundamental Pillars of Emotional Intelligence") and for the link you provided. Extremely enlightening and helpful!

To all others participating in this forum topic, big thanks to you also! obyvatel, I also loved your postings, and came away with an extremely relevant, contextual piece of information regarding stoic philosophy and its contributing benefit in practical application:

17) Accept that change is just around the corner: this one has also got a Stoic ring to it. Stoics advised
imagining change, especially negative change, to immunize and prepare oneself if or when it came to pass. Setting aside time to contemplate possible changes and focusing on actions that could be executed at present to prepare as well as planning appropriate actions suitable for the time when the situation materializes helps to boost confidence in your ability to self manage and handle what may come your way.

ajseph, likewise, I agree with what you wrote here:

The article you posted contains common sense with alot of depth to it! It shows how a human being should go about being a human being in a practical way without wiseacreing. Perhaps this would be good in the science of the spirit section of sott because it is applicable to life?

I can definitely see that others might perceive some of what I share as my being a wiseacre! Sheeesh! Likewise, practical applications of this knowledge may come in handy contextually in instances like those here _http://www.sott.net/article/263908-Zimmerman-acquitted-of-Trayvon-Martin-murder#comment87957 .

Again, huge thanks to all!!

I fully share the sentiments expressed here and on SoTT page made by Leòmhann. Thank you. I'm still reading and working on understanding many important points made in this thread. What is discussed here is certainly not black and white issue, and much deeper one. And the central point for me personally is what PoB cited in her/his post here:

Yes. I'd say differentiate because each goal is context specific and the 'who to' is important as obyvatel says:

Quote
Regarding people, one has to choose the person suitably and be open about what one is setting out to achieve and what exactly is expected from the helper. If you want help to stick with a diet, choosing a helper who guzzles junk food and scoffs at diets is not a good idea.

While reading this, I realized that I certainly need to work hard on that and I will. Thank you all for your comments bringing forth a real knowledge which I was obviously lacking before.