The effect of bad marriage breakups

[monotonic]

I've come to realize that I don't think I've seen anything carry as much emotional charge as a bad marriage breakup to some people. It's as if they are consumed with anger and they just get mentally stuck in those moments forever after. It seeps into all their creative works not unlike a long rant muttered under their breath during pauses, adding a subtle offensiveness. They may even embellish stories of their version of how things happened. You find them making off-color remarks about the other gender or whatnot, and in general having a pretty extreme attitude towards the subject. They can have an alienating or repelling effect on friends or anyone close enough to sample their aggressive monopoly on relationship issues.

I suppose what started me on this observation was when I started reading A Caricature of Love by Hervey Cleckley. It increased my awareness of relationship stuff in general.

Just what's been on my mind lately...

 

[Alkhemist]

Having gone through a rather traumatic breakup recently myself (17 year marriage), I can agree with you. Though my emotions are more of the heartbreak and sadness variety, I did go through the stage of, "How can that bastard live with himself?" Lol...

I believe I'm over most of the anger, though. The events around this was, for me, seemingly directed. Like Laura, it seemed like I was brought kicking and screaming out of a dysfunctional marriage only to be guided right to the real Love Of My Life. Twin Flames, some say. :) I'm very grateful, but it really does little to heal the wound of an exploded marriage. Only time will do that.

 

[Torstone]

Dealing with the fact that you lose a big part of your life that defines you, it makes sense that the process of reorientation to your new self is pretty volatile. A bad breakup with highly emotional charge like you said probably makes looking at the situation objectively unbearable.

The best defense for both would be black and white thinking to avert the feeling of loss or hurt, so respect to those brave ones who are able to overcome this and look at the situation as it is and not pointing fingers just to defend themselves.

Cleckley pretty much exposes that what many relationship primarily are about is ownership and control being masked by our western concept of love. And who doesn`t get angry when what you considers as yours is separated from you? That book makes you shudder.

 

[Alkhemist]

Dealing with the fact that you lose a big part of your life that defines you, it makes sense that the process of reorientation to your new self is pretty volatile. A bad breakup with highly emotional charge like you said probably makes looking at the situation objectively unbearable.

I'm not sure if you're replying to me or the other poster, or whether you're speaking generally(?)

The best defense for both would be black and white thinking to avert the feeling of loss or hurt, so respect to those brave ones who are able to overcome this and look at the situation as it is and not pointing fingers just to defend themselves.

Again, not sure who you're referring to. What black and white thinking are you referencing? Are you suggesting that one should use black and white thinking to overcome the pain of loss?

Cleckley pretty much exposes that what many relationship primarily are about is ownership and control being masked by our western concept of love. And who doesn`t get angry when what you considers as yours is separated from you? That book makes you shudder.

I agree that this is how most people view relationships. There was a great quote about this in the Ra Material when asked about sexual energy transfers:

31.15 Ra: [...] The sexual energy transfers and blockages are more a manifestation or example of that which is more fundamental than the other way about. Therefore, as your peoples became open to the concepts of bellicosity and the greed of ownership, these various distortions then began to filter down through the tree of mind into body complex expressions, the sexual expression being basic to that complex. Thus these sexual energy blockages, though Orion influenced and intensified, are basically the product of the beingness chosen freely by your peoples.

This will be the final question unless we may speak further upon this question to clarify, or answer any short queries before we close.

31.16 Questioner: I just need to know if this then works through the racial memory to infect the entire population in some way. Does that sort of thing happen?

Ra: I am Ra. The racial memory contains all that has been experienced. Thus there is some, shall we say, contamination even of the sexual, this showing mostly in your own culture as the various predispositions to adversary relationships, or, as you call them, marriages, rather than the free giving one to another in the love and the light of the Infinite Creator.

In my case, however, I truly didn't think of my husband as "mine." We had a "slightly open" relationship. What was painful in my case was how he treated me afterward, but I don't want to go into that here. (Not important.)

 

[Teresa]

I've come to realize that I don't think I've seen anything carry as much emotional charge as a bad marriage breakup to some people. It's as if they are consumed with anger and they just get mentally stuck in those moments forever after. It seeps into all their creative works not unlike a long rant muttered under their breath during pauses, adding a subtle offensiveness. They may even embellish stories of their version of how things happened. You find them making off-color remarks about the other gender or whatnot, and in general having a pretty extreme attitude towards the subject. They can have an alienating or repelling effect on friends or anyone close enough to sample their aggressive monopoly on relationship issues.

I suppose what started me on this observation was when I started reading A Caricature of Love by Hervey Cleckley. It increased my awareness of relationship stuff in general.

Just what's been on my mind lately...

I've noticed this as well. In any situation, I think a break up (whether married or not) is painful, but if I'm understanding this correctly, you are referring to someone who is not just hurting and struggling to heal, but someone who has become bitter towards the other gender in general. From my observation people who end up bitter and jaded are those who've looked to the other person to heal the wholes in their hearts, which is actually not taking responsibility for doing the work themselves.

They can also project a lot on the other person, good or bad instead of seeing that persona for who they really are and jump way to fast into a relationship when they shouldn't. I read a book about relationships once where the author stated that we spend more time and energy into making the decision to buy a car or house than we do deciding who we choose to love. That hit me like a ton of bricks, because in a lot of cases it's so true. I haven't read A Caricature of Love yet, but it is on my list.

 

[monotonic]

I had figured that for this result to occur, there must have been a problem before the relationship started. Like you say, there is a kind of wishful thinking that the other person will magically heal them somehow, which tends to be a part of the western culture's distortion of love. If you think about it in terms of childhood attachment issues and the books recommended here, you can see how the dynamic has been set up early on. In Gurdjieff's robotic society, it cannot have happened any other way. There is not enough knowledge in the person until they have already had many detrimental experiences, and by the time they have an opportunity to learn and grow, will they choose to? How likely is it they will "see the application" like the C's have said?

 

[Torstone]

Dealing with the fact that you lose a big part of your life that defines you, it makes sense that the process of reorientation to your new self is pretty volatile. A bad breakup with highly emotional charge like you said probably makes looking at the situation objectively unbearable.

I'm not sure if you're replying to me or the other poster, or whether you're speaking generally(?)

The best defense for both would be black and white thinking to avert the feeling of loss or hurt, so respect to those brave ones who are able to overcome this and look at the situation as it is and not pointing fingers just to defend themselves.

Again, not sure who you're referring to. What black and white thinking are you referencing? Are you suggesting that one should use black and white thinking to overcome the pain of loss?

I apologise Alkhemist, I see that I was not clear. I was replying to the first post, should have quoted it.
I did not mean to say that one should use black and white thinking, but merely pointing out that it is the easy way(not the right way) to make sense of the situation when in a bad breakup .
Reagrding black and white thinking I think monotonic said it pretty well.

It's as if they are consumed with anger and they just get mentally stuck in those moments forever after. It seeps into all their creative works not unlike a long rant muttered under their breath during pauses, adding a subtle offensiveness. They may even embellish stories of their version of how things happened. You find them making off-color remarks about the other gender or whatnot, and in general having a pretty extreme attitude towards the subject. They can have an alienating or repelling effect on friends or anyone close enough to sample their aggressive monopoly on relationship issues.

 

[Tracy Anne]

I've come to realize that I don't think I've seen anything carry as much emotional charge as a bad marriage breakup to some people. It's as if they are consumed with anger and they just get mentally stuck in those moments forever after. It seeps into all their creative works not unlike a long rant muttered under their breath during pauses, adding a subtle offensiveness. They may even embellish stories of their version of how things happened. You find them making off-color remarks about the other gender or whatnot, and in general having a pretty extreme attitude towards the subject. They can have an alienating or repelling effect on friends or anyone close enough to sample their aggressive monopoly on relationship issues.

I suppose what started me on this observation was when I started reading A Caricature of Love by Hervey Cleckley. It increased my awareness of relationship stuff in general.

Just what's been on my mind lately...

Thanks for opening this post monotonic, I too have witnessed friends consumed with such emotional charge and anger even years after their marriage/relationship ended. It really sounds like a stuck record and some will just carry on this way forever. Unfortunately if there are children from the relationship they are the ones who will be hurt the most. It is not an easy thing to go through but at best it is an opportunity to dig deep and have a good look at your own actions, responses and beliefs.

A past friend of mine was a typical example of this. At every opportunity she would go on and on about her terrible ex and I sympathised with her, however after learning that he got full custody of their very young children, and closely observing her behaviour over a period of years (inconsistent, impulsive and chaotic lifestyle) I deduced that he must have had very good reason to get custody and no judge would normally grant custody to one parent unless there were certain circumstances. She never once told me about her weak points or how she contributed to the marriage breakdown. Some people love to blame and to be seen as the victim.

If your ex is a pathological then this would be tricky and you would have to be very strategic with managing the end and ongoing contact with them, if there are children involved and also if your were going through a financial settlement.

Many people find it surprising that I am on good terms with my ex husband after divorcing 12 years ago, I can honestly say it was heartbreaking to end it but we both realised that karmically we could no longer stay together. He had addiction issues and of course depression which usually runs along side addiction. I too have had depression issues. As far as I know he has worked through those issues and so have I but it was clear that we just couldn't do it when we were together. Long story.

I think it is important to see your partner as a human being with imperfections and also to work through things so that the children have minimal damage and to heal. This was always foremost in my mind. Many people put the children against the other parent or speak of the other parent in a derogatory way. Children must to the best of our ability have an ongoing loving, supportive and sustainable relationship with both parents and this is an important goal to work towards, sometimes you have to put your own bitterness and hurt aside.....for you children.

I have also found societies views of a marriage/breakup surprising. I had extended family wanting to jump on the bandwagon and take sides (black and white thinking) and trying to perpetuate some response in me....like I should be angry and resentful forever, because this is what most people feel, well yes, initially you can feel like that but you have to move on to grow. Even now my extended family will still say derogatory remarks about my ex but I shut it down quickly. They find it very awkward to be at family occasions with him present, and I'm sure would have found it easier if we were enemies. They simply cannot understand it.

A Caricature of Love by Hervey Cleckley is definitely next on my reading list.

 

[monotonic]

That book is probably not what you'd expect if you based your impression of it on this thread. It only brought me to these thoughts in a roundabout way. Still, it provides a very robust platform to think on, as long as you take into account the circumstances of the book as were discussed in the thread for it on this forum.

 

[Tracy Anne]

That book is probably not what you'd expect if you based your impression of it on this thread. It only brought me to these thoughts in a roundabout way. Still, it provides a very robust platform to think on, as long as you take into account the circumstances of the book as were discussed in the thread for it on this forum.

I have read the thread on the book and havent based my impression of it on this thread but thanks for mentioning anyways. :)

 

[MusicMan]

Another effect of marriage break-up is the 'divorce' of one set of grandparents, who are denied access to their own grandchildren by the psychopathic selfishness of the warring partners. Add to this the poisoning of their young minds against the other partner, and subsequently the other set of grandparents.
Not that this happens in all cases, but in my own personal experience, this seems to be the case.
Sad, innit.
And yet, I'm guessing that this is what the lizzies promote, to get their share of the 'loosh'.