The triumph of the machine

[webglider]

I had three disorienting experiences in the last few days which have shown me where I lose my focus and resort to mechanical behavior.

Experience #1: I had just handed the vendor at the small farmers' market I usually visit three dollars and was
waiting for the change. Instead, he handed me a yellow apple. I thanked him, assuming that
it was a gesture of good will. I usually make it a point to stop at his stall, and I usually spend
much more than three dollars. However, he had given me the apple instead of my change.
I didn't want the apple: I wanted my change, but all I could say was, "This apple is worth 70
cents? He took the apple, and gave me a slightly larger apple, (I didn't want any apples),
and I walked away feeling angry and violated in some ineffable way.


Experience #2 I visited my mother who is in a nursing home on a beautiful day to take her outside into the
garden. She insisted that one of the attendants take her into the garden, so I called one.
Although my mother is 90, wheelchair bound, losing both her sight and hearing, and must
be cared for 24/7, she insists on treating me as though I were completely helpless myself,
and must be protected from all danger. My mother has managed to find the following dangers
in the nursing home: a) The elevator, b) The door that must be opened to enter the garden,
c) The possibility of theft from some of the other similarly incapacitated residents, or the staff
which she was insisting accompany us.

Although the aides understood my request, the new head nurse had to be talked out of her
incredulity as to why I needed someone else to take my mother outside After permission
was finally given, and we entered the elevator with my mother screaming, "NURSE!!!!!!
NURSE!!!!, (she was concerned about my welfare on the elevator and expected the attendant
to save me if it became stuck, or began to fall), we finally exited the elevator and
moved through the last leg of our journey which was to pass through the garden door.
After more cries of "NURSE", "NURSE" we entered the garden, the attendant fled, and we
continued our visit in the open air.

Because my daughter had not accompanied me, and because my mother wanted to speak to
her, I took out my cell phone to make the call. "Put that away," she ordered me, "So it
won't get stolen. Please put it away. Please listen to me. Put it away." Okay. I put it away.
Then she began, "Close your purse. Close your purse. Listen to me, close your purse. They
steal here."

For a while I was able to engage her in conversation, but there was no shade and I needed to
go inside. My mother immediately began to call for the "nurse", but there was no aide in the
garden. As I began to get up to bring her back inside, she told me a story of a woman she had
known who had lifted a heavy weight and had had a miscarriage and could never have babies.

"I can do this, ma" I said with grim cheer and began to wheel her inside. I got the
door open by kicking it wider with my foot, and then began to pull the wheelchair in backwards.
up a slight incline. To my complete horror, the plastic hand grip pulled off the handle, and I
began to lose control of the chair. I frantically began to try to push the arm onto the handle
and the chair veered off in a wide angle before I regained control and pull it through the door.

Once we were inside, she said with surprise, "You did it." I was shaking, but said, "Of course".
My mother is funny and smart but filled with so much fear that it is hard to be with her.
On the walk back to the subway, I suddenly felt my eyes fill with tears, (pity? exasperation?)


I felt sad for her, but I also felt completely drained. A part of me was able to
say, "This is just a program", but in truth there were so many programs running that I felt like
a mechanical thing.

Episode 3: My daughter did very badly in school last year - her junior year in high school. Her grades are
low, and she failed a major project which she must make up this summer. If she doesn't, she
will have to do the senior project, and an entirely different project to make up for the one she
didn't do last semester. These projects are a requirement for graduation, and since the school
requires students to take full programs each semester, I am concerned that they will kick her
out next June if she doesn't fulfill the requirements.

Of course she waited until the last week. She has been in therapy, and my friend helped her
begin last Friday, and she was chastened by some serious consequences that I had meted out,
and was beginning to get into a rhythm when her friend - the friend who had made no time for
her all summer - called with an invitation to go away for a few days.

This girl seems to have a charismatic pull on my daughther, but my daughter who was just
beginning to to pull together her project was ready to abandon it to go with this friend who had
been too busy for her all summer.

I completely lost it. It was a horrible day, nothing got accomplished, my daughter
is the one with the headache this time; I said things I should not have said, and can not take back.
And just to underscore how mechanical the whole episode with my daughter was, was the realiz-
tion that my fear for her, is very much like the fear my mother has for me.

Is there any way out of this? I (whoever I is) feels totally trapped.

 

[webglider]

How do I edit this? I can't seem to find the edit function.

 

[Bobo08]

Hi webglider,

Based on the description, your family looks very narcissistic to me (please note that this is not a judgement and is said with much compassion). The narcissistic dynamics have been passed from your mother to you and to your daughter. Your mother had been controlling all aspects of your life according to her view, not allowing you any independence. You don't know what personal boundary is and cannot say no to others. Your daughter is unmotivated, ready to be pulled by her charismatic friend. And this is just from your short post.

Now that you got some glimpses of it but felt helpless to do anything. This is all too common and I really feel for you. I think the only way out is to recognize and understand it, not just intellectually but with your whole being. Then and only then will you be able to see the way out.

Since you have been here for some time, have you read the recommended psychology books? They are: "The myth of sanity", "Trapped in the mirror", "Unholy hunger", "The narcissistic family" and "Drama of the gifted child" in that order. They will be of much help to you.

I'm sure others will have more comments.

 

[Ruth]

I had three disorienting experiences in the last few days which have shown me where I lose my focus and resort to mechanical behavior.

Experience #1: I had just handed the vendor at the small farmers' market I usually visit three dollars and was
waiting for the change. Instead, he handed me a yellow apple. (snip)

Everyone has days like these, when we are feeling down, distracted and otherwise 'put upon' by life and those living. This may have been the 'straw that broke the camels back', so to speak. But, it could have been a lot worse! Imagine coming into the picture in a really 'foul' mood and throwing the apple at the vendor's head and screaming obscenities at him for being so 'stupid'. I'm sure the look on his face would have been 'priceless', but it may have not been a 'price' you were willing to pay.... :D Ok, so that was a worse case scenario, but you get the picture...

[quote author=webglider]
Experience #2 I visited my mother who is in a nursing home on a beautiful day to take her outside into the
garden. She insisted that one of the attendants take her into the garden, so I called one.
Although my mother is 90, wheelchair bound, losing both her sight and hearing, and must
be cared for 24/7, [/quote]

Your mother sounds like she has a little bit more wrong with her than just age, frailty and eyesight. She sounds like she is paranoid, possibly even delusional, but only you can tell whether this is a pre-existing condition, or perhaps one that is linked to some sort of cognitive decline maybe even dementia, but not necessarily so.

I work with frail eldery people and we get to see some interesting responses and behaviours from them (especially the ones who are cognitively and/or have psychiatric problems. The ones that feel bored or lonely (which they often do) can resort to attention seeking and manipulation in order to relieve this. Sometimes 'bad' behaviours are the only things they have left to them to fill in the time. Kind of like a two year old's emotional response to a situation. Those things they previously used to enjoy doing, they can no longer do.

These elderly people are often afraid and react accordingly by trying to create a situation where they feel 'comfortable' and 'in control' again. Sometimes it means reverting to the types of behaviours they 'know'. If your mother was naturally a bossy, authoritarian 'organiser' sort, this might be a behaviour that makes her feel more comfortable.

Sometimes it helps to try and see a person as they truly are (as in now - are they unwell?) rather than try to interact with the person that they were 40-50 years ago. Mind you, if she hasn't changed at all, I do see your problem. She really is quite manipulative. I guess the question is, was she always like this?

[quote author=webglider]
Episode 3: My daughter did very badly in school last year - her junior year in high school. Her grades are
low, and she failed a major project which she must make up this summer. If she doesn't, she
will have to do the senior project, and an entirely different project to make up for the one she
didn't do last semester. These projects are a requirement for graduation, and since the school
requires students to take full programs each semester, I am concerned that they will kick her
out next June if she doesn't fulfill the requirements.
[/quote]

Your daughter is not YOU and the sooner that she realises she must take responsibility for her own actions, rather than making you feel like you should take the responsibility for her, the better. You can't be everything for everyone indefinately. The bottom line is that children must start to take responsiblity for their own lives. Because - in the end this responsibility for themselves MUST be total. Otherwise they are encouraged to go off and find someone else to be "responsible" for them. Kind of like a 'dependance' seeking program. You need to try and nip that one in the bud before she starts going off and looking for people to 'look after' her. I guess its a subtle thing to try and achieve. Start talking to her like an adult, laying cause and effect on the line, giving her choices and asking for her opinion. Gradually, I suppose. It might get her thinking.

These are just some of my opinions. :)

 

[webglider]

Thanks Ruth and Bobo08 for your responses. I've been resisting reading the books about the narcissistic family, although I did read "Drama Of The Gifted Child" many years ago because I've spent so much of my life with narcissists that I don't want to think about it anymore. My mom is definitely a narcissist, but as I've gotten older, I've been able to have compassion for the very difficult childhood she had, and I do love her. It's very upsetting to see her, first because of the horror of watching her create so much drama fraught with so much negative emotion around such a simple experience. It's a perfect example of someone creating her own reality and pulling everyone into it.

These elderly people are often afraid and react accordingly by trying to create a situation where they feel 'comfortable' and 'in control' again. Sometimes it means reverting to the types of behaviours they 'know'. If your mother was naturally a bossy, authoritarian 'organiser' sort, this might be a behaviour that makes her feel more comfortable.

This is exactly the case. She's terrified of everything, but she always was. She was always paranoid, believing that her sister was poisoning her, that the upstairs neighbors were spies, etc. I always knew something was really wrong from a really young age, but my extended family was in denial until it got so bad that they couldn't ignore it anymore.

I'm used to it, understand it, have spent years in therapy trying to recover from it, accept her as she is, and actually have some good times with her when her medication is working and she is calmer. She's can be very smart and have a good sense of humor, but there are times, like the visit I described, that it really gets to me.

Since you have been here for some time, have you read the recommended psychology books? They are: "The myth of sanity", "Trapped in the mirror", "Unholy hunger", "The narcissistic family" and "Drama of the gifted child" in that order. They will be of much help to you.

I should bring myself to go beyond the resistance I feel against the subject, and read those books. There must be something I'm not seeming about my own parenting style that is exacerbating the situation with my daughter.

I could definitely feel the mechanicalness of my reactions to the three experiences: and they're just ordinary experiences that are common in life. My reaction to them is a measure of how far I have to go to create a stable center. But I'm blessed with petty tyrants, so there will be other opportunities.

 

[PepperFritz]

Webglider:

First off, let me say that I feel for the current difficult circumstances of your life, and that none of the following is meant to minimize what you're feeling and experiencing. But this is what I observe: While you are recognizing the mechanical nature of your responses in these trying circumstances, you do not seem to be taking the next step, which is to trace the origin of the programs being triggered.

A recent example from my own life: I share a house with my cousin and our various dogs and cats. It has become, over time, a very harmonious domestic arrangement, primarily because I made the decision very early on to complete accept her "faults" and embrace her many wonderful qualities, and to also get a check on my own "controlling" tendencies. So the following incident was quite unusual and initially very perplexing to me: One of the ways I avoid both work and unnecessary clothing expense is to only dry my clothes a little bit and then hang them to dry, and I had explained that to my cousin in the past, on an occasion when she put had some clothes of mine in the dryer and ended up ruining some of them by "frying" them in the dryer and shrinking them. At that time I asked her to never put my clothes in the dryer, to just set them aside if they are in her way. Well, recently my cousin went into the basement to do some laundry, and again threw my wet clothes into the dryer without telling me. When I found the clothes an hour later, and discovered one of my "good" blouses completely ruined, I flew into a rage like I have not experienced for years.

I quickly recognized the "mechanical" nature of my response, and once I had calmed down I examined what I had said to my cousin in my anger. (1) I emphasized that she could have easily asked me/told me about the wet clothes, since I was just upstairs, and that I felt she was treating me as though I were "invisible". (2) I pointed out it was her impulsive "have to do it right now" tendency that caused her to be so inconsiderate. (3) I railed about my limited finances, and how I had so few "nice" clothes and now she had ruined one of my better blouses. After doing this I was able to recognize that all of these reactions could be traced back to my relationship with my narcissistic and OCD-ridden mother: Who was it who used to treat me as though I were "invisible"? Mother. Who was it who made my life hell with her severe impulse-control problems? Mother. Who was it who used to spend excessive amounts of money decking herself out in new clothes, while leaving her children dressed in rags? Mother. Who was it that forced me to put locks on my closets and drawers because she could not stop herself from obsessively "cleaning" my things, often ruining them? Mother.

Once I had made these connections, I was then able to realize how my programmed responses did not "fit" the current circumstance and therefore were not appropriate: (1) My cousin is not my mother and does not share her characteristics. (2) She does not normally treat me as "invisible", on the contrary, she is a reasonably considerate person. (3) My cousin does not have OCD or obssessive-compuslive tendencies. She works very hard at a very stressful job that causes her to be very tired and be kind of "zoned-out" when she gets home, which makes her "forgetful" at times. (4) My cousin is extremely respectful of my privacy. (5) While my finances "are" limited, my cousin is a very generous person who would not hesitate to pay for something I needed, particularly if she had inadvertently damaged something.

In short, one needs to not only observe the mechanical nature of one's responses, but to also pinpoint the nature and origin of the "programs" involved. I have found that the more I take the time to do this, the quicker and more efficiently I am able to make the appropriate connections in the future -- usually in time to nip the reaction in the bud. But it is not just an intellectual exercise, it often involves painful feelings and memories. Perhaps you are avoiding making the connections because you wish to avoid the emotional pain that might be involved?

 

[pstott]

Well,

If you are ever to escape the automatic and/or mechanical response syndrome, it will be necessary to develop and exercise your WILL.

If I were you, I would have demanded my 70 cents and handed back the apple.

I would also have told my mother that I am completely capable, and to stop calling for the nurse as I felt insulted by her assumptions that I could not take care of myself or perform rudimentary tasks.

As for the daughter, knowing that she has a history of not completing tasks properly or on time if left to her own devices, I would counsel her regularly and ask about upcoming projects, and help her to develop a schedule for performing the required work, and monitor it on an ongoing basis until such time as she learns to do this without prompting or assistance. This is just part of the duties of a parent of school-age children. I would also insist that she stick to her schedule no matter what external distractions came up.

Avoiding mechanical or automatic responses requires that when you recognize what is happening, stop and ask yourself "What do I really want to happen here?" Then make the decision to act to make what you want to happen a reality.

 

[Al Today]

Talking to myself here for healing... Perhaps this MAY benefit someone else also.

Talk is just that, talk. Been there, done that, and keep going back there. Now DO something about it. Even if you fail, perhaps you've LEARNED something. When I hurt, I TRY to DO something about it. There is nothing worse, for me, than sitting around with depression, remorse, hopelessness, whatever. What has helped me is DOing something. Analyze, try to understand and make a plan, then DO it. This biomachine rules me right now, but I try to understand what these programs are. Example, Anger is my current target for control. Anger at the world. Anger at the zombies. Anger towards myseld because I lose self control and the ability to objectively observe myself. Point is, to me, is to keep up the Work. Don't give up. Keep reminding that in order to CHOOSE, one must KNOW what the CHOICE(S) are.

 

[PepperFritz]

Keep reminding that in order to CHOOSE, one must KNOW what the CHOICE(S) are.

Very well put, Al.

 

[webglider]

I would also have told my mother that I am completely capable, and to stop calling for the nurse as I felt insulted by her assumptions that I could not take care of myself or perform rudimentary tasks.

This simply does not work. Her fears simply overwhelm her and she begins to shriek. She also does alarming things like try to stop the wheelchair with her feet, or stop it by thrusting her hands against the wallsheedless of the fragility of the bones. It's total hysteria, and totally irrational to me. But this is her inner world, and since I have chosen not to fight my childhood battles of the past with this frail, lonely, and frightened woman, I try to humor her as much as possible. . Still, even though I am consciously choosing to do this, it gets to mesometimes. But I accept that as my problem.

[As for the daughter, knowing that she has a history of not completing tasks properly or on time if left to her own devices, I would counsel her regularly and ask about upcoming projects, and help her to develop a schedule for performing the required work, and monitor it on an ongoing basis until such time as she learns to do this without prompting or assistance. This is just part of the duties of a parent of school-age children. I would also insist that she stick to her schedule no matter what external distractions came up.

/quote]

I have spent years trying to do this. At last, I am beginning to see some results, but they are often not consistent.
My relationship with my daughter is the real forum for my work on myself. I am enacting my childhood dynamic with my mother who almost never listened to me with my daughter, and I fly into similar rages. This is similar to what Pepperfritz realized about her interaction with her cousin.

Once I had made these connections, I was then able to realize how my programmed responses did not "fit" the current circumstance and therefore were not appropriate: (1) My cousin is not my mother and does not share her characteristics. (2) She does not normally treat me as "invisible", on the contrary, she is a reasonably considerate person.

It is the same with my daughter who has her own struggles. Her behavior does not spring from the same source
yet the what seems like irrational behavior sets me off.

I am reminded of how Gurdjieff said that most people can't DO anything because the machine takes over. I'm somewhat conscious, but I have not yet mastered my machine enough to make it do what I want.

Keep reminding that in order to CHOOSE, one must KNOW what the CHOICE(S) are.

Yep. I can either learn how to modify my behavior or destroy my relationship with my daughter. Thanks Al.

 

[Erna]

How do I edit this? I can't seem to find the edit function.

The little pencil on the right hand side of your post ;) The new forum takes some getting used to.

 

[second]

I would also have told my mother that I am completely capable, and to stop calling for the nurse as I felt insulted by her assumptions that I could not take care of myself or perform rudimentary tasks.

This simply does not work. Her fears simply overwhelm her and she begins to shriek. She also does alarming things like try to stop the wheelchair with her feet, or stop it by thrusting her hands against the wallsheedless of the fragility of the bones. It's total hysteria, and totally irrational to me. But this is her inner world, and since I have chosen not to fight my childhood battles of the past with this frail, lonely, and frightened woman, I try to humor her as much as possible. . Still, even though I am consciously choosing to do this, it gets to mesometimes. But I accept that as my problem.

I have seen elder people doesn't have ability to change their behavior despite consistent pointing out. Many times we our selves struggle. Taking serious of " Getting insulted" can easily become self importance particularly in this narcissistic society, though you wanted to tell her to express how you felt.

"Self-importance is our greatest enemy. Think about it - what weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellowmen. Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone." - Castandeda.

 

[PepperFritz]

...what seems like irrational behavior sets me off. I am reminded of how Gurdjieff said that most people can't DO anything because the machine takes over. I'm somewhat conscious, but I have not yet mastered my machine enough to make it do what I want.

I don't think anyone here has "mastered their machine" to that extent. I think most of us are at the same stage as you, learning to recognize mechanical behaviour and programs through the discipline of self-observation, learning more and more about our machine everyday, gradually becoming less mechanical than we were before we started the Work, but nowhere near being completely free and authentic and real. Perhaps if you work on accepting where you "are" and not beating yourself up about it, you will not feel so "anxious" about it.

Yep. I can either learn how to modify my behavior or destroy my relationship with my daughter.

Are you sure those are the only two choices? Sounds like irrational, catastrophic thinking to me, i.e. "If I don't master my machine, I will DESTROY my relationship with my daughter." Soundz like another program borne out of growing up with a narcissistic parent: "Because I don't have a parent to care for me as a parent should, the whole world rests on my shoulders; if I don't solve this problem, there is no one who will do it for me; and if I don't solve it NOW, my whole chaotically cobbled-together world will collapse like a house of cards, and I will NEVER recover...."

You are NOT that child anymore. There are two people responsible for your relationship with your daughter; one of them is you and the other one is your daughter. She is an adult now, equally responsible for how your relationship develops, and you simply do not have control over that 50%. You have to let go of the illusion that you are 100% responsible, and let go of your responsibility for your daughter's future. It is in her hands now. If she screws up, she screws up. It won't the end of the world.

You also have to let go of a a tad of narcissistic behaviour/thinking on your part: Your daughter is not the neglected un-parented child that you were either. She is NOT you. I suspect that part of your anxiety is rooted in a deep emotional need to make sure your daughter gets better parenting than you did, a better life than you did, a better chance than you did; doesn't screw up in the ways that you did. It is natural for a parent to want the best for their child, but when that "best" is so self-referential, it is narcissistic at root. Your emotional well-being CANNOT be dependent on her "success". She has her own lessons to learn, her own definition of "success" to formulate, her own life to live.

 

[Meg]

Hi Webglider,

I think one of the points of addressing your mother and standing up for yourself as Pstott suggested, is to change your mechanical reaction. To do those things regardless of what her reaction is. It's your program that's 'taking over' and running the show. Her reaction isn't your problem as I see it. Her inner world is hers and has nothing to do with you. fwiw

This simply does not work. Her fears simply overwhelm her and she begins to shriek. She also does alarming things like try to stop the wheelchair with her feet, or stop it by thrusting her hands against the wallsheedless of the fragility of the bones. It's total hysteria, and totally irrational to me.

Work how? Do you want to change her?

 

[webglider]

Quote from: webglider
Yep. I can either learn how to modify my behavior or destroy my relationship with my daughter.

Are you sure those are the only two choices? Sounds like irrational, catastrophic thinking to me, i.e. "If I don't master my machine, I will DESTROY my relationship with my daughter." Soundz like another program borne out of growing up with a narcissistic parent: "Because I don't have a parent to care for me as a parent should, the whole world rests on my shoulders; if I don't solve this problem, there is no one who will do it for me; and if I don't solve it NOW, my whole chaotically cobbled-together world will collapse like a house of cards, and I will NEVER recover...."
You are NOT that child anymore. There are two people responsible for your relationship with your daughter; one of them is you and the other one is your daughter. She is an adult now, equally responsible for how your relationship develops, and you simply do not have control over that 50%. You have to let go of the illusion that you are 100% responsible, and let go of your responsibility for your daughter's future. It is in her hands now. If she screws up, she screws up. It won't the end of the world. You also have to let go of a a tad of narcissistic behaviour/thinking on your part: Your daughter is not the neglected un-parented child that you were either. She is NOT you. I suspect that part of your anxiety is rooted in a deep emotional need to make sure your daughter gets better parenting than you did, a better life than you did, a better chance than you did; doesn't screw up in the ways that you did. It is natural for a parent to want the best for their child, but when that "best" is so self-referential, it is narcissistic at root. Your emotional well-being CANNOT be dependent on her "success". She has her own lessons to learn, her own definition of "success" to formulate, her own life to live.

Wow. You've said it all Pepprfritz. This is exactly right. I do slip into the catastophic thinking, and I do express those thoughts. I do want my daughter to have a better life, a better chance. and a more sane way of being in the world. Yes, I do feel that if I don't do it right, the whole "chaotically cobbled world will collapse like a house of cards". Yes, that is exactly how I feel. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes, my daughter's success is self-referential and thus narcissistic at root. I do feel that my emotional well-being is dependent on her "success". There is enmeshment there, and even my daughter has stated that we are very different people, that she is not like me, and that she has to learn from her own mistakes.

I really do feel that if she doesn't make it, it will be the end of the world. I feel it in such a deep level of being that the sense of responsibility and helplessness throws me completely off balance and I lose myself.

The more I read the responses to my posts, the more I realize how much like my mother I am. Even though I have a firmer grasp of external reality than she does, in essence the way I am parenting my daughter is similar to the way my mother parented me. And being unable to recognize or modify my own behavior is diminishing the very quality I pride myself on - that of being able to grasp external reality!!!!! If my own way of being in the world is false, than it doesn't matter, does it, how well I think I can see the world outside of me.

Thanks Pepperfritz. Thanks for your insights, and the time you have taken to write them.

I think one of the points of addressing your mother and standing up for yourself as Pstott suggested, is to change your mechanical reaction. To do those things regardless of what her reaction is. It's your program that's 'taking over' and running the show. Her reaction isn't your problem as I see it. Her inner world is hers and has nothing to do with you. fwiw

I don't feel that I have to stand up for myself in this situation. My mother is delusional, her memory is weak and she quickly forgets anything that was said even a few minutes before. The old woman in the wheel chair is an old woman in a wheel chair. The mother that I have to stand up to has been internalized: she is both inside me and she is me.

I've stood up to my mother all my life, believe me. The mechanical reaction is to stand up to her. But to what effect? Nothing will change, and it will be unpleasant. If she wants someone else to push her wheelchair, and if I can find someone, I'll do it. But if there is no one there to do it, I will do it, and stand up to her by doing it.

I wish that I could be a better daughter by visiting her more. To actually visit her more would be to break the mechanical behavior of not visiting her because the visits upset me. If I can stay firm inside myself no matter what she does, that would be breaking the mechanical behavior as far as I can see.

My daughter can do that with me. She can listen to me rant and rave and not respond until I quiet down. Her self possession in those circumstances is quite extraordinary to me and comes from within herself. She certainly didn't learn to do that from me.

I guess my situaion with my mother in the wheelchair is a microcosm of so many things in life. She will not change. Her behavior will not change. I can only change by shifting my awareness and letting that inform my emotions, (which is the hard part). I can protect myself by not letting her craziness draw me in. But she is my mother, and I have a responibility to her, just like the world I live in is my world and I have a responsibility to it too, and I need to find a way to be responsible without being drawn into the craziness of it.