The triumph of the machine

[Al Today]

I have seen elder people doesn't have ability to change their behavior despite consistent pointing out.

I do not think age ahs anything to do with that.

SMOKE TIME

 

[PepperFritz]

I really do feel that if she doesn't make it, it will be the end of the world. I feel it in such a deep level of being that the sense of responsibility and helplessness throws me completely off balance and I lose myself.

I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but take if for what it's worth:

Something that has always helped me to break the emotional loop of catastrophic thinking is a kind of visualization exercise. When I begin to feel those panicky "What if" feelings start to overwhelm me, I let myself imagine the very WORST thing that could happen in the current situation, then (and here is the important part) I "problem-solve" into the future and see myself successfully coping with it. It's kind of the opposite of what the "positive thinking" new-agers tell you to do, but it really works for me. Instead of reacting to that great unknown and unknowable catastrophe looming in the future, I turn it into a knowable negative event in the real world, one that I may not want, but one that I have the ability to cope with.

In your case, this would mean vividly imagining all the terrible things that will happen if your daughter "screws up". Imagine that she doesn't graduate. Then visualize how you will handle that situation from that point forward. See yourself laying down the law forcing her to get a job. See her "hating" you for a while, moving out, working at McDonalds, and living in a hell-hole apartment. Visualize yourself accepting that outcome, being OK with her learning her own lessons. Then visualize her learning those lessons, asking to move back home so that she can finish school, get back on track, etc. Keep repeating a mantra to yourself: "It'll be OK, I can deal with it", etc.

Like I said, it has always worked really well for me. Quickly calms me down and gets me out of the loop. Gives me confidence that whatever happens, it won't be the end of the world, just another challenge to face, another problem to solve....

 

[webglider]

[/quote=Pepperfritz] When I begin to feel those panicky "What if" feelings start to overwhelm me, I let myself imagine the very WORST thing that could happen in the current situation, then (and here is the important part) I "problem-solve" into the future and see myself successfully coping with it. It's kind of the opposite of what the "positive thinking" new-agers tell you to do, but it really works for me. Instead of reacting to that great unknown and unknowable catastrophe looming in the future, I turn it into a knowable negative event in the real world, one that I may not want, but one that I have the ability to cope with.

[/quote]

I want to thank you once again for taking the time to post some really helpful information. I never thought of going beyond the visualization of the catasprophic situation. To turn it into "a knowable negative event in the real world, one that I may not want, but one that I have the ability to cope with" seems such a logical and sane way of handling this situation that to not have had this realization occur to me shows me just how out of balance my thought processes have been.

I am actually pretty successful coping with difficult real life situations in real time. Why I have been projecting helplessness and rage into imagined difficult future situations seems so bizarre to me now that I have been offered an alternative that it informs me just how much of the suffering I have experienced in life has been created out of thin air by myself!!!! Just like mom. (Poor mom).

Yes, if my daughter messes up, I'll deal with it, and she'll deal with it. It doesn't have to be done with recrimination. It doesn't have to be done with rage. I don't even have to have a scenario as to how I will deal with it because it hasn't happened yet. I can't know the specifics. And then, my worst case scenario may not happen at all, and if it does it is a lesson and it may end up being all for the best in a way that I could not foretell.

It makes me think of the first example I presented at the Farmers' Market where I was given an apple instead of change. I didn't want an apple at all, and I was upset with myself for not requesting the change I really wanted.

However, yesterday my daughter really wanted an apple, and there it was. When I asked her how it tasted, she said it was really good.

And yesterday my daughter and the friend whom I dislike so much had a long talk, (unprompted by me), where they reviewed the behaviors that have led each to do so disastrously in school, and resolved to support each other in meeting deadlines, and staying on track.

Which just goes to show me the utter worthlessness of all that imaginary negative thinking in the first place.

And the example of my mom gives me a taste of what could be my future if I don't give it up.

Thank you Pepperfritz. Thank you everyone for helping me put the pieces together and figure it out.

 

[vinny]

Something that has always helped me to break the emotional loop of catastrophic thinking is a kind of visualization exercise. When I begin to feel those panicky "What if" feelings start to overwhelm me, I let myself imagine the very WORST thing that could happen in the current situation, then (and here is the important part) I "problem-solve" into the future and see myself successfully coping with it. It's kind of the opposite of what the "positive thinking" new-agers tell you to do, but it really works for me. Instead of reacting to that great unknown and unknowable catastrophe looming in the future, I turn it into a knowable negative event in the real world, one that I may not want, but one that I have the ability to cope with.

I seem to be saying this a lot today , but: thank you PepperFritz, that was really helpful.
Actually it's kinda like "anti-wishful-thinking" ;)


webglider, I also had some resistance to reading those recommended books, but when I managed to get over that barrier I got a LOT out of them. It sounds like a classic case of narcissistic family, and I really feel for you, and if you start to work through the literature I think you will find that you ARE able to do something about it.

 

[T.C.]

I guess my situaion with my mother in the wheelchair is a microcosm of so many things in life. She will not change. Her behavior will not change. I can only change by shifting my awareness and letting that inform my emotions, (which is the hard part).

I think that part of the shift in this awareness has to be coming to terms with the horrific fact that everyone on this planet is just a reaction machine - whether it's the mail man, or your mother. Negative emotional reaction to the things other people say and do comes from the assumption that they say and do those things consciously. That's not actually the case.

When I bear this in mind, I find external consideration 10 times easier.

I can protect myself by not letting her craziness draw me in. But she is my mother, and I have a responibility to her, just like the world I live in is my world and I have a responsibility to it too, and I need to find a way to be responsible without being drawn into the craziness of it.

The fact is, you aren't responsible for your mother. Only she is responsible for herself. As for being responsible for the World, are you God? Are you an omnipotent being?

The truth is, you are responsible for YOU - and you alone. If you begin to act with responsibility to your Self, I think you'll get "drawn into the craziness of it" less and less.

T.C.