I would like to update this thread under the subject of The Work and how the wave has been influencing my desires to take action on myself.
It's been almost two years since I posted this thread and I must say, there are and probably will always be ups and downs as I have realized.. Since then I have always struggled with external consideration, still do though it is changing. One of the most mammoth plagues I have had to deal with was my ADHD(brain poisoning), procrastination, impulsive Unconscious negative reactions and most heavily of all, my pornography addiction.
The feelings I would experience (and still do though differently now) can only be described as a terrifying sinking of the chest, heart rate acceleration, insecurity, invasive thoughts and a feeling of being mentally and emotionally torn apart between what I love and what I (think) I desire. I got dragged so far down into the pit of isolation that I felt like I was stuck in own personal hell.
Ironically, this lead me to an even stronger desire to want to acquire knowledge to understand the state of my being, understand the mechanisms of this machine and why I cannot control it. It lead to me a state of acceptance. I was/ and still am to a degree an addict (until I can no longer feel the pull). It felt demoralizing, shameful and insulting to call myself this, but with this understanding I TREATED myself like an addict. No more justification, excuses for sub human behavior. I was/am(sometimes) the horse with no driver.
After doing some research, I realized that not only was I addicted to this disgusting subhuman act of self gratification, I was addicted to dopamine spikes. Instant self gratification of all kinds. The byproduct was being lazy (to my standards), irritable, insecure and selfish. This lead to the next step in taking action, what I call Operation Lockdown: A Siege of the mind/body, war on the little I's. The process was simple but effective. Identify the sources/activity of dopamine spike, then identify the triggers. For me, digital devices were the source of many triggers that I can control. Rules were established for every trigger, create a barrier that requires immediate counter-action. I made my phone became greyscale so it appears less appealing, all apps were deleted so it only works as a phone, and they cannot be re-downloaded without a passcode I requested my wife to place. My personal laptop is bound to ethernet so it cannot leave the living room. I do not watch TV, I've wasted to much of my life on it in my prime youth.
With these rules established, there are other requirements that must be met, but I must give context first: Dopamine has been dubbed various nicknames in research, most popularly as the "Pleasure" hormone. What some researches have come to realize such as Dr. Andrew Huberman is that it is more the "motivation to work" hormone that allows one to engage in work in order to gain reward. Dopamine function is often inhibited in people with ADHD where the receptors cannot function properly at all times. In my case, I believe the effects of mercury poisoning (since I have actively detoxed everything else) which I am still working on... and overstimulation of our modern age lifestyles. When one constantly engages in over stimulating dopamine activities (pr0n (worst of all) Social Media, video shorts, TV, Movies, video games, binge eating etc..) dopamine is delivered (and depleted) at such a fast rate that the Dopamine D2 receptors must down regulate themselves in order to prevent themselves from being fried. T
he downside is that there is now a new baseline of dopamine that is too high and the brain believes should be the norm, so now every day life is "boring, dead" This leads to a feeling of numbness to a lot of external (and internal) interactions in life, and HUGE drop in motivation/will to work on ANYTHING. When there is a dopamine withdrawal symptoms are also high states of anxiety and depression, and there is a HUGE desire to want to feel something by any means necessary, usually easy way is the once again engage in un-naturally hyper stimulating activities.
The rules must meet a set of requirements throughout the week (rough summary):
- Initially, write down my why. Why I want to change, why I want to stop. Who do I want to be truly now and in the future 3 years from now?
- Write down Why not? What would I be, what would I look like if I do not change? Now? in three years?
- Wake up 5am, HBOT - heal/optimize this brain body!
- Ice baths at least 5 times a week right after HBOT. This leads to a great natural increase of dopamine without spike and without withdrawal. absolutely miserable. every single time. feel great afterward
- Exercise daily, in the morning after the cold. Exercise not only up-regulates dopamine, but up-regulates the receptors.
- Cold shower when not doing an icebath.
- strong adherence to intermittent fasting (mindless snacking spikes dopamine) fasting rebuilds receptors
- No digital devices leave the living room
The effects of the withdrawal were earth-shaking to say the least, confirming the state of addiction. The first three weeks made it abundantly clear that I had serious problems, as my anxiety would cause near panic states. The strongest counter-measure to extremely high states of anxiety was to drop whatever it was that I was doing, and do E.E. afterward, I felt like I regained control for the rest of the day usually.
To further add to my arsenal of experimentation with willpower and awareness, I found (for me) that supplementation in combination with this lockdown operation has benefitted me greatly:
- CDP Choline, Uridine, Cordyceps M., Omega 3's Taken in the morning (these have research supplementing growth of dopamine receptors)
- Nicotine throughout the day when desired (VERY EFFECTIVE when working or reading)
- (regular daily supps) ALA, NAC, Vit C, D3, B vitamins, Folic Acid, selenium, iodine, magnesium gl)
- L-Tyrosine when willpower is excruciatingly low, and I need to do something I really don't want to do. Last resort.
While consciously going through this struggle, I found that I had growing willpower. For every feeling of hopelessness, depression, anxiety, procrastination, there has been very effective counter measures: going for a walk, spending time with my son, take wife shopping, reading books at night.
My strongest weapon I found was reading my "Why and Why Not" Along with the ice baths. For some reason, the dread of preparing oneself for it every morning wakes you up the state of misery and despair that I know lurks in my heart and mind.. just waiting. When I get in the water I feel like I am burning them away while facing them face to face. The shock is so intense that it brings my awareness to what I really want in life. Sometimes I pray, sometimes I cry while I'm in there, because I sometimes visualize what it would be like to really be free of the entropy of STS, to really change towards light. I don't know if it's what Gurdjieff called Intentional Suffering. I'll stay for 4-10 minutes. After I am done, I go exercise. The willpower I have during those first 5 hours is quite golden(sometimes bronze on bad days), mostly because after I am done I feel more alive.
I have indeed felt a change in me thanks to this siege. I never noticed how many subconscious acts I do out of pure habit, autonomy. They become apparent when the "escapes/gratification" are locked and removed, and anxiety and panic sets in. It's actually quite terrifying to discover how pathetic and predictable one is.
On the positive side, for the first time in my life, I actually am ahead of my tasks with my job, to where I actually have free time. I feel excited to talk to my co-workers and genuinely want to know how they're doing or how to help them. My daily tasks don't seem like impossible boulders anymore, sometimes (not always) they feel like challenges waiting to me taken on. I feel more in love with my baby boy more than ever, and my wife has felt more comfortable opening up to me her vulnerabilities because she feels like she can actually tell me things without me taking a shot to the ego and taking it personally... and THAT's the strange thing... It still hurts my ego like hell when she tells me how much I have hurt her, but I am AWARE that it's my ego being hurt. There's a space in my head where I take a moment to externally consider, and try to come up with the best words possible to apologize for an action that can only be mended with the knowledge that I possess at the moment and that I can only show her what I can do by my actions of every single day, no empty promises. It has been quite something magical. I think Anne Gracie and Mary Belough has helped on that matter though
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Speaking of books, my goodness! I have been able to plow through books like a freight train with intense focus! I think I've never read so much so fast AND retained information in my life! I'm so embarrassed but I finally finished reading TSHOTW!
I also believe that Eiriu Eolas has greatly assisted in possibly separating/unshackling the bonded emotions to subconscious thoughts that dwell in my mind scape. So that when the common things that I usually react negatively to come forth, the immediate impulsive reaction (fear, anger, insecurity) seems to have a weaker hold and I can see it before it manifests and CHOOSE to act it out or not. It's not perfect all the time, but it is life changing. Perhaps THAT is the advantage we have over the Wave with EE, the wave is intensifying the 6D Thought forms coming through ("We will merge with you")? And our negative emotions are caught on the STS thought form, but if we break the emotional bond to them, and re-align them, they can't hurt us? Is this correct?
In Conclusion to this ongoing journey through our Earthly 3rd Density mind scape... I intend to take the kingdom back, brick by brick. Day by day. It's not perfect, but I find this is the only effective way to fight these subconscious critters. Getting through the DAY, not the week, not the month, not the year. The Battle is in the moment of the daily cycle, reflecting on the errors of the past and keeping that pain as a reminder to continue changing.. Going to bed looking forward to the next battle tomorrow, knowing they're there waiting to fight or be tamed. I really do feel that my body and my mind is my home; my church, and I have neglected it. I've let heathens take residence in my home. I've focused so much on the wicked people out the external world, not realizing the hyperdimensional ones have camped inside my home, and THAT's where the battle should be.
Also I just recently listened to this podcast from Huberman Labs with David Goggins. I'd like to highlight Huberman's reference to a recent discovery analysis on the Will being a tangible section of the brain:
the Anterior Midcingulate Cortex. I found this very interesting because apparently studies show that this section of the Brain is dubbed responsible for Willpower and also the Will to Live AND only
Grows when you take action on things you DON'T want to do. It stagnates or shrinks when you begin to effortlessly enjoy tasks as well...
