RyanX
The Living Force
The Wonder of Girls is not a book I planned on reading, but one that I'm glad I did. This is a book that's been sitting in my basement for a long time collecting dust. See, my Mom got the book for my wife and I just after the birth of our first daughter. I believe my wife may have read some of the book, but then put it down to move on to other things. After reading it now, I can understand why. There is really very little material in it about infant and toddler age girls, which was the stage our oldest daughter was going through at the time.
That said, the book is a wonderful guide for girls from the ages of 5-20, and possibly beyond. Being a father of two girls, I have been told since the time they were born that “girls are easy when they're young, but just wait until they're teenagers! Look out!” This warning has always conjured up a bit of dread for me. I was born into a family of boys, being the oldest of two. I never got a chance to really see first hand what a girl goes through growing up, so as you can imagine, the book was really enlightening to me.
I also decided to check out the Amazon reviews of this book. Strangely, it seems that people either love or hate this book. Some of the comments trashing this book sound like the readers really didn't read the book, but instead grabbed quotes and used them out of context. In other cases, I wondered whether the reviewers had actually taken the time to really read through what the author said or even had the ability to distill the finer points of the book. The book is written from the perspective of a man, but Gurian seems to be well educated in the subject matter and has read many books on this topic himself. He also has two daughters, so I'm sure a lot of his focus comes from first hand experience. I was deeply impressed by the depth of research he went through to write the book. I was especially impressed by his mention of Clarissa Pinkola Estes's book “Women who Run with Wolves”, which I regard as a classic and a must read for both men and women.
The negative reviews of the book may also be due to Gurian's excursion into the politics of feminism as well. I don't doubt this is the case since feminism can sometimes be a polarizing topic, especially when it comes to debates of nature verses nurture. Gurian tries to emphasize the importance of both nature and nurture and points out cases where each is applicable. He probably emphasizes the nature argument a little more that current political correctness dictates. From Gurian's own disclaimers about feminism and political correctness, I think he knew from the get-go that this would be a hot-button issue. Sadly, some of the negative reviewers choose to focus on his critique of feminist politics with the exclusion of the massive remainder of knowledge and research contained in the book.
So a father of two young girls (one of which is soon to hit puberty), what new or important things did I learn? Although, I was certainly aware of the female hormonal cycle, I wasn't aware of how deep a role this plays in the brain development of girls. I was also not aware of the ebb and flow of certain neural-chemicals that fluctuate on that monthly-cyclical basis. I'm sure I've seen the effects, but I've never understood the underlying physiology and Gurian does a good job explaining this. I would imagine that a lot of women probably don't even know this stuff, even though they feel it throughout most of their lives. I think knowing about the relationship between a girl's monthly cycle and her brain chemical balance will be useful information to share with my daughters. Having self knowledge about how one's feelings change on a monthly basis could really help mitigate a lot of adolescent pain. Now I'll know when to tell my daughters to “wait it out” or “act now” when an emotional crisis arises. Perhaps for some women this information lands in the category of “duh!”, but I thought the discussion was useful and insightful.
The discussion on discipline was helpful as well. Having read a number of books on narcissistic family dynamics, I've found the subject of child discipline to be an extremely complex issue. While a parent wishes to protect their children, a parent must also be on guard to not use their power of authority to coerce a child into thinking or feeling a certain way. We parents have a much greater power than we realize and sometimes just a look of disappointment can be enough to cause children much emotional turmoil. Any time we use our powers to cause a child to view the emotional needs of the parent to be greater than her own emotional needs, we are setting up a narcissistic, role-reversal dynamic. The problem is that young children are naturally narcissistic and it's our job as parents to guide them gently through the traumas of childhood to reverse this mindset in a healthy way. We must help them develop their own sense of empathy by setting the right example and using punishments in a wise way to bring their behavior in line with the ideal. This does not mean that we make our children into “performers”, it simply means that we keep them safe and show them that there are other “selves” out there, who like themselves, sometimes feel pain and need help. Basically we need to live and apply the “Golden Rule” and apply this in a multidimensional way when it comes to child discipline.
Child discipline, in my experience, ends up being more of an art form than some parents make it out to be. It is a highly complex process of knowing one's children, especially their temperaments, being fully aware of the situation that calls for discipline, and not letting one's own emotional programs cloud their judgment of the situation. This is not an easy process, but Gurian presents a good rough guideline for child discipline. He mentions many creative ways of enforcing rules, but he also mentions that there may be situations that call for spanking or a small pinch. These punishments must be considered carefully, however. Overall, I thought his discussion on discipline was well balanced and doesn't lean towards any extreme parenting philosophies.
In the discussion on discipline, Gurian also points out that, on average, a young girls' brain development is such that she may develop a sophisticated moral compass or sense of empathy at a rather young age. It is not uncommon for girls between the ages of 5 and 10 to ask specific moralistic questions and form sophisticated moral opinions. This is in comparison to boys of the same age, who tend not to have as highly developed moral reasoning skills. Of course, Gurian correctly points out that there are always exceptions here. This is good to know and I think it's important that father's don't brush over these moral questions from their daughters, but show them that they are important things to think about. This is a big part of what make girls tick and what keeps our world a sane place!
Gurian also points out some of the ways our current socio-political system has failed us in raising proper boys and girls (as if this wasn't obvious in a lot of areas). He talks about the three family system, which is the traditional family system for raising children the world over in the pre-industrial age. The first level is composed of the immediate nuclear family; Mom, Dad, brothers, sisters, step-parents, step-sibilings, etc. The second tier consists of extended family members such as Grandparents, aunts, uncles, Godparents, etc. The their level consists of community pillars; people such as coaches, teachers, camp leaders and others who have access to our children through positions of authority. The great thing about the three-family system is that each level backs up and compliments the others when necessary, so the children have the ability to develop a wide-range of attachments throughout their young lives. Unfortunately in our modern society, one or two of these family levels is often missing in the lives of children. This can make the process of growing up more difficult and traumatic than it needs to be when attachments are few and far between for our daughters.
Another thing I learned is the importance of “rites of passage” and how important these are for young girls and that if positive “rites of passage” are not developed by the parents or community, it often leads to the children finding their own negative “rites of passage”. Gurian mentions the idea of developing certain celebrations or ceremonies for girls when they turn 10, 13, 16, 18, for their first menstruation and so on. Each rite composes a step of a young girls ascent into adulthood. These rites should be customized to the aptitudes and interest of the young girl and they should be attended by at least one or more members of family level two or three (such as a Grandmother or special aunt, for instance). Rites of passage are common in many archaic cultures and they seem to ease social trauma by allowing the young girl and members of her family and community to realize that she is on her way to becoming an adult. These rites are important to show girls that they are part of a community of females and that they have their own “culture” and identity in society. Without these rites of passage, young girls have a tenancy to show adults how grown up they are in less than honorable ways.
I appreciated Gurian's discussion on the art of mothering and fathering. My only bone to pick here is that in some cases the mothering advise can apply to the father and the fathering advise can apply to the mother and visa-versus. To be fair, he does try to point this out in some sections here. I did like the fact that he mentioned discipline techniques under the “art of mothering” section, since I've noticed this is often an area that some mothers lack - at least this has been my own experience. Overall, he makes some good points and shows how important it is for a child to have both a mother and a father attachment of some sort.
There is also a good section on discussing sexuality with teenagers. I think in this day and age it is vital to talk to both boys and girls about sex and sex myths. Gurian makes a good point that it is important to share your own experiences with your daughters and let them know that they don't have to suffer alone with their new feelings. Let them ask the questions, but first of all, let them know that you are comfortable talking about sex and that they can come to you about questions they may have. He even talks about guidelines for having a teenage, co-ed sleepover party, which in my opinion may be a bit much for some teenagers. However, he makes a good point that pulling off such a sleepover with appropriate ground-rules shows a high level of trust between parents and daughter and it helps the daughter bond with their friends in a healthy way outside of the high school “party” scene. Something to consider at least.
I was also really impressed with his analysis of the story of Cinderella and his take on the symbolic meaning of this well-known tale. He really shows how these fairy-tales are so important for girls from a spiritual perspective. The myths and stories we tell ourselves really help us define who we are and our purpose in the world. These stories basically describe the symbolic pathway a girl must take to find her Prince and attain True Love. This process involves knowing oneself, being in control of ones emotions, and on top of that, having some divine guidance or inspiration. There are very few writers I've found who managed to articulate this concept so well and in a way that is accessible to teenage girls and their parents. Like Gurian, I think having a sense for the spiritual is vital for everybody, especially the young girls of today who are growing up in a spiritual void created by mainstream religions and a culture bent towards materialism.
If I do have a beef with this book, it is the lack of knowledge on the “dark side” of raising girls, in other words, what happens when things go wrong. For instance, what about a soccer coach or neighborhood family friend that you discover is molesting your pre-teen daughter? What does one do in these situations and how do we prevent them in the first place? Of course nobody wants to think about this stuff, but it is also important to have this information in the back of your mind when reading this book. Gurian points out that his book is not meant to be an exhaustive list of any and all experience with daughters, but is solely meant as a development guide and one that fits the “majority of girls”, not the minority (albeit still large and significant) who come face to face with pathology. I would have to say that the thoughtful parent should also read some books on psychopathology and pedophiles to understand how to identify predators that may go after their daughters in various ways.
Aside from the lack of information on psychopathology, I think Gurian presents a great deal of useful knowledge and a huge list of references that are accessible to the layperson. I hope the negative reviewers will give this book a second peek and see that Gurian's knowledge is really quite balanced and not schizoidally skewed towards some ideological bent.
That said, the book is a wonderful guide for girls from the ages of 5-20, and possibly beyond. Being a father of two girls, I have been told since the time they were born that “girls are easy when they're young, but just wait until they're teenagers! Look out!” This warning has always conjured up a bit of dread for me. I was born into a family of boys, being the oldest of two. I never got a chance to really see first hand what a girl goes through growing up, so as you can imagine, the book was really enlightening to me.
I also decided to check out the Amazon reviews of this book. Strangely, it seems that people either love or hate this book. Some of the comments trashing this book sound like the readers really didn't read the book, but instead grabbed quotes and used them out of context. In other cases, I wondered whether the reviewers had actually taken the time to really read through what the author said or even had the ability to distill the finer points of the book. The book is written from the perspective of a man, but Gurian seems to be well educated in the subject matter and has read many books on this topic himself. He also has two daughters, so I'm sure a lot of his focus comes from first hand experience. I was deeply impressed by the depth of research he went through to write the book. I was especially impressed by his mention of Clarissa Pinkola Estes's book “Women who Run with Wolves”, which I regard as a classic and a must read for both men and women.
The negative reviews of the book may also be due to Gurian's excursion into the politics of feminism as well. I don't doubt this is the case since feminism can sometimes be a polarizing topic, especially when it comes to debates of nature verses nurture. Gurian tries to emphasize the importance of both nature and nurture and points out cases where each is applicable. He probably emphasizes the nature argument a little more that current political correctness dictates. From Gurian's own disclaimers about feminism and political correctness, I think he knew from the get-go that this would be a hot-button issue. Sadly, some of the negative reviewers choose to focus on his critique of feminist politics with the exclusion of the massive remainder of knowledge and research contained in the book.
So a father of two young girls (one of which is soon to hit puberty), what new or important things did I learn? Although, I was certainly aware of the female hormonal cycle, I wasn't aware of how deep a role this plays in the brain development of girls. I was also not aware of the ebb and flow of certain neural-chemicals that fluctuate on that monthly-cyclical basis. I'm sure I've seen the effects, but I've never understood the underlying physiology and Gurian does a good job explaining this. I would imagine that a lot of women probably don't even know this stuff, even though they feel it throughout most of their lives. I think knowing about the relationship between a girl's monthly cycle and her brain chemical balance will be useful information to share with my daughters. Having self knowledge about how one's feelings change on a monthly basis could really help mitigate a lot of adolescent pain. Now I'll know when to tell my daughters to “wait it out” or “act now” when an emotional crisis arises. Perhaps for some women this information lands in the category of “duh!”, but I thought the discussion was useful and insightful.
The discussion on discipline was helpful as well. Having read a number of books on narcissistic family dynamics, I've found the subject of child discipline to be an extremely complex issue. While a parent wishes to protect their children, a parent must also be on guard to not use their power of authority to coerce a child into thinking or feeling a certain way. We parents have a much greater power than we realize and sometimes just a look of disappointment can be enough to cause children much emotional turmoil. Any time we use our powers to cause a child to view the emotional needs of the parent to be greater than her own emotional needs, we are setting up a narcissistic, role-reversal dynamic. The problem is that young children are naturally narcissistic and it's our job as parents to guide them gently through the traumas of childhood to reverse this mindset in a healthy way. We must help them develop their own sense of empathy by setting the right example and using punishments in a wise way to bring their behavior in line with the ideal. This does not mean that we make our children into “performers”, it simply means that we keep them safe and show them that there are other “selves” out there, who like themselves, sometimes feel pain and need help. Basically we need to live and apply the “Golden Rule” and apply this in a multidimensional way when it comes to child discipline.
Child discipline, in my experience, ends up being more of an art form than some parents make it out to be. It is a highly complex process of knowing one's children, especially their temperaments, being fully aware of the situation that calls for discipline, and not letting one's own emotional programs cloud their judgment of the situation. This is not an easy process, but Gurian presents a good rough guideline for child discipline. He mentions many creative ways of enforcing rules, but he also mentions that there may be situations that call for spanking or a small pinch. These punishments must be considered carefully, however. Overall, I thought his discussion on discipline was well balanced and doesn't lean towards any extreme parenting philosophies.
In the discussion on discipline, Gurian also points out that, on average, a young girls' brain development is such that she may develop a sophisticated moral compass or sense of empathy at a rather young age. It is not uncommon for girls between the ages of 5 and 10 to ask specific moralistic questions and form sophisticated moral opinions. This is in comparison to boys of the same age, who tend not to have as highly developed moral reasoning skills. Of course, Gurian correctly points out that there are always exceptions here. This is good to know and I think it's important that father's don't brush over these moral questions from their daughters, but show them that they are important things to think about. This is a big part of what make girls tick and what keeps our world a sane place!
Gurian also points out some of the ways our current socio-political system has failed us in raising proper boys and girls (as if this wasn't obvious in a lot of areas). He talks about the three family system, which is the traditional family system for raising children the world over in the pre-industrial age. The first level is composed of the immediate nuclear family; Mom, Dad, brothers, sisters, step-parents, step-sibilings, etc. The second tier consists of extended family members such as Grandparents, aunts, uncles, Godparents, etc. The their level consists of community pillars; people such as coaches, teachers, camp leaders and others who have access to our children through positions of authority. The great thing about the three-family system is that each level backs up and compliments the others when necessary, so the children have the ability to develop a wide-range of attachments throughout their young lives. Unfortunately in our modern society, one or two of these family levels is often missing in the lives of children. This can make the process of growing up more difficult and traumatic than it needs to be when attachments are few and far between for our daughters.
Another thing I learned is the importance of “rites of passage” and how important these are for young girls and that if positive “rites of passage” are not developed by the parents or community, it often leads to the children finding their own negative “rites of passage”. Gurian mentions the idea of developing certain celebrations or ceremonies for girls when they turn 10, 13, 16, 18, for their first menstruation and so on. Each rite composes a step of a young girls ascent into adulthood. These rites should be customized to the aptitudes and interest of the young girl and they should be attended by at least one or more members of family level two or three (such as a Grandmother or special aunt, for instance). Rites of passage are common in many archaic cultures and they seem to ease social trauma by allowing the young girl and members of her family and community to realize that she is on her way to becoming an adult. These rites are important to show girls that they are part of a community of females and that they have their own “culture” and identity in society. Without these rites of passage, young girls have a tenancy to show adults how grown up they are in less than honorable ways.
I appreciated Gurian's discussion on the art of mothering and fathering. My only bone to pick here is that in some cases the mothering advise can apply to the father and the fathering advise can apply to the mother and visa-versus. To be fair, he does try to point this out in some sections here. I did like the fact that he mentioned discipline techniques under the “art of mothering” section, since I've noticed this is often an area that some mothers lack - at least this has been my own experience. Overall, he makes some good points and shows how important it is for a child to have both a mother and a father attachment of some sort.
There is also a good section on discussing sexuality with teenagers. I think in this day and age it is vital to talk to both boys and girls about sex and sex myths. Gurian makes a good point that it is important to share your own experiences with your daughters and let them know that they don't have to suffer alone with their new feelings. Let them ask the questions, but first of all, let them know that you are comfortable talking about sex and that they can come to you about questions they may have. He even talks about guidelines for having a teenage, co-ed sleepover party, which in my opinion may be a bit much for some teenagers. However, he makes a good point that pulling off such a sleepover with appropriate ground-rules shows a high level of trust between parents and daughter and it helps the daughter bond with their friends in a healthy way outside of the high school “party” scene. Something to consider at least.
I was also really impressed with his analysis of the story of Cinderella and his take on the symbolic meaning of this well-known tale. He really shows how these fairy-tales are so important for girls from a spiritual perspective. The myths and stories we tell ourselves really help us define who we are and our purpose in the world. These stories basically describe the symbolic pathway a girl must take to find her Prince and attain True Love. This process involves knowing oneself, being in control of ones emotions, and on top of that, having some divine guidance or inspiration. There are very few writers I've found who managed to articulate this concept so well and in a way that is accessible to teenage girls and their parents. Like Gurian, I think having a sense for the spiritual is vital for everybody, especially the young girls of today who are growing up in a spiritual void created by mainstream religions and a culture bent towards materialism.
If I do have a beef with this book, it is the lack of knowledge on the “dark side” of raising girls, in other words, what happens when things go wrong. For instance, what about a soccer coach or neighborhood family friend that you discover is molesting your pre-teen daughter? What does one do in these situations and how do we prevent them in the first place? Of course nobody wants to think about this stuff, but it is also important to have this information in the back of your mind when reading this book. Gurian points out that his book is not meant to be an exhaustive list of any and all experience with daughters, but is solely meant as a development guide and one that fits the “majority of girls”, not the minority (albeit still large and significant) who come face to face with pathology. I would have to say that the thoughtful parent should also read some books on psychopathology and pedophiles to understand how to identify predators that may go after their daughters in various ways.
Aside from the lack of information on psychopathology, I think Gurian presents a great deal of useful knowledge and a huge list of references that are accessible to the layperson. I hope the negative reviewers will give this book a second peek and see that Gurian's knowledge is really quite balanced and not schizoidally skewed towards some ideological bent.
