Well i've been thinking about what to write through the day...
To get started with, I've been recovering from bulimia nervosa, wich i've had for years now, but it was always something going on and off, if I didn't purge then i drank a lot, or did some other stupid stuff.. I realized it was more of me trying to evade reality than issues with my actual body... there's being episodes of everything.. I quitted drinking for a while now, like more than a year, i found out alcohol made me a very impulsive and agressive person, which i didn't like at all... the binging and purging thing gave me depression and anxiety, I remember having this episodes and then just sleep for hours and hours and not wanting to talk to anyone, my mood was totally different from now, I was a very angry person and mean to almost everyone, even my family.
It's been almost 5 months since i haven't had a purging episode, or thinking about doing it :D that makes me happy. But the thing that was bothering me today is that with this group of therapists I am (or was from today i guess) working with, where making me feel more sick, it's a nutritionist, psycotherapist and a psychatrist (which i saw just once cause I refuse to medicate myself with antidepressants). The nutritionist said the way I was eating (paleo) was also triggering my bulimia, cause it was more of an orthorexia thing.... (i know, it's quite hard making them understand) So ok, i went on and did whatever she told me to, ate everything she sent and just said yes, but I started feeling worse, the food was making me feel foggy all the time, so I decided not to continue with her guidelines (which made me feel a bit anxious in a way for not doing what was "supposed", but now i feel WAY better back in track with paleo. Now as far as my therapist, well she made me realize lots of inner issues I have, triggers for my bulimia and things I have to work on, like confidence and being assertive. Today was a complicated day with her, we were talking about me not wanting to get medications and she flat out said if i didn't take them a) i will never get cured and b) the treatment won't work cause it's designed this way..
That made my mind think, that im a person, not bulimia with feet, and that i do have to speak up my voice, so yes, i did answer back and said I had done research (from threads i found here) and I will refuse to medication..
I've been having loots of family support, my mom, brother and sister in law have being amazing with me, helping me and also making me realize that they are the only people who really care. I used to want an solve all my problems by myself till i bursted with stress and did something stupid like throwing up or getting drunk.... I've also been reading quite a lot about this, Fear to the Abyss has helped me so much, and now i've started the Personality Shaping book from Dabrowski, which i wish most of the therapists were this way.. and not so closed as mine turned out to be...
Adding things up, I'm starting to believe yes, they've helped me, but if they are so disrespectful about my decisions that concern my mental health, why should I go ahead and say yes to everything they want to do with me... Im feeling way better and getting my mind into other healthy activities rather than just thinking I have this issue all day. I really believe now that putting everyone that has an eating disorder in the same mold doesn't work, we are all different and need other points of view, not the same model for every single girl or guy. Aaand it also makes me really happy getting to my 25th birthday in December in a more happier and calmer mood and most important of all being sober from purging, which for me is the meaning of a slow but steady transformation :D :D I've realized that too, doesn't matter how quick you get better, but that this changes are really coming from the heeart.
To get started with, I've been recovering from bulimia nervosa, wich i've had for years now, but it was always something going on and off, if I didn't purge then i drank a lot, or did some other stupid stuff.. I realized it was more of me trying to evade reality than issues with my actual body... there's being episodes of everything.. I quitted drinking for a while now, like more than a year, i found out alcohol made me a very impulsive and agressive person, which i didn't like at all... the binging and purging thing gave me depression and anxiety, I remember having this episodes and then just sleep for hours and hours and not wanting to talk to anyone, my mood was totally different from now, I was a very angry person and mean to almost everyone, even my family.
It's been almost 5 months since i haven't had a purging episode, or thinking about doing it :D that makes me happy. But the thing that was bothering me today is that with this group of therapists I am (or was from today i guess) working with, where making me feel more sick, it's a nutritionist, psycotherapist and a psychatrist (which i saw just once cause I refuse to medicate myself with antidepressants). The nutritionist said the way I was eating (paleo) was also triggering my bulimia, cause it was more of an orthorexia thing.... (i know, it's quite hard making them understand) So ok, i went on and did whatever she told me to, ate everything she sent and just said yes, but I started feeling worse, the food was making me feel foggy all the time, so I decided not to continue with her guidelines (which made me feel a bit anxious in a way for not doing what was "supposed", but now i feel WAY better back in track with paleo. Now as far as my therapist, well she made me realize lots of inner issues I have, triggers for my bulimia and things I have to work on, like confidence and being assertive. Today was a complicated day with her, we were talking about me not wanting to get medications and she flat out said if i didn't take them a) i will never get cured and b) the treatment won't work cause it's designed this way..
That made my mind think, that im a person, not bulimia with feet, and that i do have to speak up my voice, so yes, i did answer back and said I had done research (from threads i found here) and I will refuse to medication.. I've been having loots of family support, my mom, brother and sister in law have being amazing with me, helping me and also making me realize that they are the only people who really care. I used to want an solve all my problems by myself till i bursted with stress and did something stupid like throwing up or getting drunk.... I've also been reading quite a lot about this, Fear to the Abyss has helped me so much, and now i've started the Personality Shaping book from Dabrowski, which i wish most of the therapists were this way.. and not so closed as mine turned out to be...
Adding things up, I'm starting to believe yes, they've helped me, but if they are so disrespectful about my decisions that concern my mental health, why should I go ahead and say yes to everything they want to do with me... Im feeling way better and getting my mind into other healthy activities rather than just thinking I have this issue all day. I really believe now that putting everyone that has an eating disorder in the same mold doesn't work, we are all different and need other points of view, not the same model for every single girl or guy. Aaand it also makes me really happy getting to my 25th birthday in December in a more happier and calmer mood and most important of all being sober from purging, which for me is the meaning of a slow but steady transformation :D :D I've realized that too, doesn't matter how quick you get better, but that this changes are really coming from the heeart.
