Hello, I would like to share an experience of (more or less) dealing with an eency weency petty tyrant. After reading Laura's post on splitting here http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,31760.0.html I decided that this experience was very relevant to that conversation, but should probably have its own thread. Any criticisms of how I handled it are more than welcome, and I apologize for the length of the post but the story is very rich in detail.
During this past month I have been dealing with an alcoholic boss. I was working for him on his organic farm and, in the light of day, he was a very convincing anti-Monsanto, anti-GMO type activist farmer. I know this because I've been shopping from him to get my grass-fed meats for several years. This is how we got to know one another and how I decided to work for him over the summer of 2013; I wanted to learn the ins and outs of running a small farming operation. But behind closed doors he was a raging alcoholic who liked to throw fits at his employees. He was a real booger! When he'd open up in one of his tantrums he'd sound like a chorus of bears. Quite surprising to say the least.
Now after having dealt with petty tyrants, and having successfully coached a friend and my sister through dealing with them and fighting them in a very healthy way (with surprising results), I thought I would be prepared for this show-down. When it dawned on me how nasty he was I ended up documenting what he was doing and saying with the intention of at least having some ammunition to use against him in case anything ever happened. But in the beginning, when he would blow up on me, I just focused on taking it in stride and carrying on, noticing the shocks and handling the fear and rage the best that I could, lining up my escape route. I was soon having fun with him, in a naive way, just poking at him when he'd blow up at me and finding a lot of joy in learning how to really flex one's mental muscles when under such terrorizing conditions. I discovered he was completely harmless since he'd usually laugh at what I'd say when I'd have some sort of a comeback to his nasty remarks. This also provided a lot of fodder for jokes about the farmer behind his back, which really brought the co-workers together with much deep belly-laughing.
However my stupid, foolish pride got the best of me. I thought to myself "I've made it, I can finally hold my own against petty tyrants" but I didn't notice the slow creep of his slimy pathology entering my mind. I began objectifying women in much the same manner that he does, since I was excited to have "pretty women" out working with us. But I had no idea just how twisted this farmer's way of working with women was. And it all happened so quickly that I barely had any idea it had happened at all.
But the worst part was that he was still a somewhat decent person, when the alcohol wasn't taking him for his regular journey into depravity and taking everyone else there with him. This is really where the struggle between seeing him as personified evil came in. It was rather tempting to see him in a black and white way, but for some reason I didn't fall into that (perhaps because a fellow employee took me for a drive one day and told me all about the farmer's life history, which was just one confused tale of failure after failure, like the old man was cursed. I think humor helped a lot too). But this farmer gave me some advice on how to start my own farm and supplied me with cheap oats for my hogs. Since I had respect for the person I thought I knew, and who I saw in there once in a while, I lied to him at first and told him that I had a potential job opportunity coming up. Another girl had the same excuse on the first day I worked and she never came back because she got the job. So my System 1 must have thought that that seemed like a great excuse while I enjoyed the sun all day, the simple and sometimes hard labor after working in a domestic violence center, and the conversation of a fellow employee. This fellow employee is an extremely interesting farmer who has taken a liking to my constant questioning, teaching me how to grow tobacco, how to raise goats and sheep and discussing world events, deep politics, Monsanto etc. He has definitely proven to be one of those few interesting joys out here in social hell.
But in the end it was the way our boss treated a newer female co-worker that pushed me over the edge. He blatantly sexually harassed her continuously (in front of his wife who is dying from multiple sclerosis). At first I was under the impression that our coworker was simply a girl who liked to be treated like that. That was obviously the pathology working its way on my brain cells. After all, I'd worked with dozens of abused women and knew it was pointless to try and change their minds if they wanted to be treated like that. But my System 2, trained as an advocate for abused women, was telling me that I needed to think deeper about it. So I opened up to her and began finding out more about her. Thank DCM that I did because, looking back, I would have become just another face of oppression for her on that farm.
She had quit her job as a bartender to escape that abusive, degrading atmosphere and, since I was giving her rides to and from work, we ended up talking a lot about how she was going to move on with her life in the way that she wanted and I used my counseling techniques to help her vent about what was hurting her. I also found out that her boyfriend was in a motorcycle gang. In that brutal atmosphere (more pathology sinking into my brain) I felt that I now had something very damaging over this farmer's head; I had knowledge of both his true nature as well as a contact who would be less than happy to hear about it. But deep down I knew that I could never in a million years use the information I had to enrage a potentially dangerous criminal. After all, this farmer has done a lot of good making grass-fed beef and other organic and natural meats available to the public. Hurting him would be hurting both the public as well as the farmers who rely on him. So I was just plain dazed and confused.
So finally I realized that I was in a rather impossible situation, a trap. But I still somehow managed to, more or less, maintain my composure and take everything in stride. I say "more or less" because towards the end I was much less humorous and much more vicious when I voiced my disgust at the old man's actions.
Then, on one of the last days that I worked, a loud and continuous rumbling thunder shook overhead for our last hour or so of work. I had the deep sense that this farmer was about to receive his come-uppance. We left that day for a 2 day 4th of July holiday. But I felt an excitement and a thrill that "the gods" had noticed this man's lack of hospitality. Obviously it's quite a strange conclusion to come to, but of course the electrical universe has its mystery.
During that time I decided to activate my escape hatch since I noticed that his pathology was really damaging my psychological hygiene and it was hurting the projects I was working on. It was also dragging me away from the forum and I was just plain exhausted trying to balance everything. I called him the next morning while I was on my way to work to let him know that I was quitting at the end of the day, using the lines that I had been developing for the month (job offer/opportunity). Well it turned out that the girl he was sexually harassing quit that day too. I found out because, and here's the kicker, he couldn't read the text message she sent him. So he had me read it out loud to him! She said she was disgusted with the way she treated him, he had no respect for her, etc. And that's when I found out that he had smacked her butt repeatedly in the most disgusting way a man could possibly do it and it gave him pause to stop and think about what he had done. That didn't happen too long; over lunch he went into damage control and began blaming her for being so sensitive. For her sake she does seem to be better off after this experience and proud of herself for the decision that she has made. She should be very proud of herself. She refused to be drug back into the role of food in that particular way.
In the end there was no "justice" that I can see, except for the girl. The only way I gave the farmer what he was asking for was to remove from him my labor, which was what he was relying on for the entire summer. I had been constant and reliable, leaving him rather stranded. The only thing I could come up with was to, when I see him again, let him know that if he treated his help with respect he wouldn't have the same problem.
But after it's all said and done I've ended up with many new friends; two well-established farmers who have asked me to help them build and repair various equipment and go-carts and even raise livestock with them. I befriended one of their wives; a wonderful cancer survivor with a wonderful personality, as well as the harassed girl and every other person I worked with out there. And I still visit the farmer's family when they're done working and maintain a good relationship with them, though I can't say the same for the farmer.
I learned how to drive a stick shift, which is something I've wanted to learn for quite some time. I made contacts to help me raise livestock and help build the small, self-sustaining farm we're working on now. I also managed to get out of the environment without burning any bridges, though I am uncertain as to what I should have done in order to give the farmer what he was asking for, though a simple "no" did seem to do the trick. A man who still works there has told me he is much more mellow now. In the end, if I have remorse for anything more than being duped, it is that I did not network about what was going on. I am just lucky that it ended up the way it did, IMO. But it is still heart-breaking.
Thanks for reading.
During this past month I have been dealing with an alcoholic boss. I was working for him on his organic farm and, in the light of day, he was a very convincing anti-Monsanto, anti-GMO type activist farmer. I know this because I've been shopping from him to get my grass-fed meats for several years. This is how we got to know one another and how I decided to work for him over the summer of 2013; I wanted to learn the ins and outs of running a small farming operation. But behind closed doors he was a raging alcoholic who liked to throw fits at his employees. He was a real booger! When he'd open up in one of his tantrums he'd sound like a chorus of bears. Quite surprising to say the least.
Now after having dealt with petty tyrants, and having successfully coached a friend and my sister through dealing with them and fighting them in a very healthy way (with surprising results), I thought I would be prepared for this show-down. When it dawned on me how nasty he was I ended up documenting what he was doing and saying with the intention of at least having some ammunition to use against him in case anything ever happened. But in the beginning, when he would blow up on me, I just focused on taking it in stride and carrying on, noticing the shocks and handling the fear and rage the best that I could, lining up my escape route. I was soon having fun with him, in a naive way, just poking at him when he'd blow up at me and finding a lot of joy in learning how to really flex one's mental muscles when under such terrorizing conditions. I discovered he was completely harmless since he'd usually laugh at what I'd say when I'd have some sort of a comeback to his nasty remarks. This also provided a lot of fodder for jokes about the farmer behind his back, which really brought the co-workers together with much deep belly-laughing.
However my stupid, foolish pride got the best of me. I thought to myself "I've made it, I can finally hold my own against petty tyrants" but I didn't notice the slow creep of his slimy pathology entering my mind. I began objectifying women in much the same manner that he does, since I was excited to have "pretty women" out working with us. But I had no idea just how twisted this farmer's way of working with women was. And it all happened so quickly that I barely had any idea it had happened at all.
But the worst part was that he was still a somewhat decent person, when the alcohol wasn't taking him for his regular journey into depravity and taking everyone else there with him. This is really where the struggle between seeing him as personified evil came in. It was rather tempting to see him in a black and white way, but for some reason I didn't fall into that (perhaps because a fellow employee took me for a drive one day and told me all about the farmer's life history, which was just one confused tale of failure after failure, like the old man was cursed. I think humor helped a lot too). But this farmer gave me some advice on how to start my own farm and supplied me with cheap oats for my hogs. Since I had respect for the person I thought I knew, and who I saw in there once in a while, I lied to him at first and told him that I had a potential job opportunity coming up. Another girl had the same excuse on the first day I worked and she never came back because she got the job. So my System 1 must have thought that that seemed like a great excuse while I enjoyed the sun all day, the simple and sometimes hard labor after working in a domestic violence center, and the conversation of a fellow employee. This fellow employee is an extremely interesting farmer who has taken a liking to my constant questioning, teaching me how to grow tobacco, how to raise goats and sheep and discussing world events, deep politics, Monsanto etc. He has definitely proven to be one of those few interesting joys out here in social hell.
But in the end it was the way our boss treated a newer female co-worker that pushed me over the edge. He blatantly sexually harassed her continuously (in front of his wife who is dying from multiple sclerosis). At first I was under the impression that our coworker was simply a girl who liked to be treated like that. That was obviously the pathology working its way on my brain cells. After all, I'd worked with dozens of abused women and knew it was pointless to try and change their minds if they wanted to be treated like that. But my System 2, trained as an advocate for abused women, was telling me that I needed to think deeper about it. So I opened up to her and began finding out more about her. Thank DCM that I did because, looking back, I would have become just another face of oppression for her on that farm.
She had quit her job as a bartender to escape that abusive, degrading atmosphere and, since I was giving her rides to and from work, we ended up talking a lot about how she was going to move on with her life in the way that she wanted and I used my counseling techniques to help her vent about what was hurting her. I also found out that her boyfriend was in a motorcycle gang. In that brutal atmosphere (more pathology sinking into my brain) I felt that I now had something very damaging over this farmer's head; I had knowledge of both his true nature as well as a contact who would be less than happy to hear about it. But deep down I knew that I could never in a million years use the information I had to enrage a potentially dangerous criminal. After all, this farmer has done a lot of good making grass-fed beef and other organic and natural meats available to the public. Hurting him would be hurting both the public as well as the farmers who rely on him. So I was just plain dazed and confused.
So finally I realized that I was in a rather impossible situation, a trap. But I still somehow managed to, more or less, maintain my composure and take everything in stride. I say "more or less" because towards the end I was much less humorous and much more vicious when I voiced my disgust at the old man's actions.
Then, on one of the last days that I worked, a loud and continuous rumbling thunder shook overhead for our last hour or so of work. I had the deep sense that this farmer was about to receive his come-uppance. We left that day for a 2 day 4th of July holiday. But I felt an excitement and a thrill that "the gods" had noticed this man's lack of hospitality. Obviously it's quite a strange conclusion to come to, but of course the electrical universe has its mystery.
During that time I decided to activate my escape hatch since I noticed that his pathology was really damaging my psychological hygiene and it was hurting the projects I was working on. It was also dragging me away from the forum and I was just plain exhausted trying to balance everything. I called him the next morning while I was on my way to work to let him know that I was quitting at the end of the day, using the lines that I had been developing for the month (job offer/opportunity). Well it turned out that the girl he was sexually harassing quit that day too. I found out because, and here's the kicker, he couldn't read the text message she sent him. So he had me read it out loud to him! She said she was disgusted with the way she treated him, he had no respect for her, etc. And that's when I found out that he had smacked her butt repeatedly in the most disgusting way a man could possibly do it and it gave him pause to stop and think about what he had done. That didn't happen too long; over lunch he went into damage control and began blaming her for being so sensitive. For her sake she does seem to be better off after this experience and proud of herself for the decision that she has made. She should be very proud of herself. She refused to be drug back into the role of food in that particular way.
In the end there was no "justice" that I can see, except for the girl. The only way I gave the farmer what he was asking for was to remove from him my labor, which was what he was relying on for the entire summer. I had been constant and reliable, leaving him rather stranded. The only thing I could come up with was to, when I see him again, let him know that if he treated his help with respect he wouldn't have the same problem.
But after it's all said and done I've ended up with many new friends; two well-established farmers who have asked me to help them build and repair various equipment and go-carts and even raise livestock with them. I befriended one of their wives; a wonderful cancer survivor with a wonderful personality, as well as the harassed girl and every other person I worked with out there. And I still visit the farmer's family when they're done working and maintain a good relationship with them, though I can't say the same for the farmer.
I learned how to drive a stick shift, which is something I've wanted to learn for quite some time. I made contacts to help me raise livestock and help build the small, self-sustaining farm we're working on now. I also managed to get out of the environment without burning any bridges, though I am uncertain as to what I should have done in order to give the farmer what he was asking for, though a simple "no" did seem to do the trick. A man who still works there has told me he is much more mellow now. In the end, if I have remorse for anything more than being duped, it is that I did not network about what was going on. I am just lucky that it ended up the way it did, IMO. But it is still heart-breaking.
Thanks for reading.
To answer the question of why someone would possibly go to those lengths, it is because I have the capability of spreading Eiriu Eolas there. So for me it was a no-brainer to at least give it a shot.