I have been doing my homework on this and a lot of observations, writing notes, doing the challenge and thinking about what Laura said regarding mothers and so these 2 weeks have been a bit intense to say the least.
Last week I started with the challenge, with the intention of first observing my behavior whenever I clean the dishes or clean the house. Observing what I felt and thought. The result was that all the time while I was cleaning or doing the dishes, I wanted to have them done as soon as possible. I noticed I hated it. I would for example have the kitchen clean and would be unable to move on to clean the hallway next, the bedroom or the living room for I was telling myself constant lies as in ''Allright the kitchen is clean, the hallway can wait till tomorrow, right?'', ‘’who cares to clean? A house can stay clean for days, no need to hurry’’ . But at this time it did not matter. For my purpose was first to observe this. To prepare myself with knowledge before I could dismantle my predator in this regard.
Instead of reviling the predator of the psyche or running away from it, we dismember it. We accomplish this by not allowing ourselves divisive thoughts about our soul-life and our worth in particular. We capture invidious thoughts before they become large enough to do any harm, and we dismantle them. We dismantle the predator by countering its diatribes with our own nurturant truths. Predator: ‘’You never finish anything you start’’. Yourself: ‘’I finish many things’’. We dismantle the assaults of the natural predator by taking to hearth and what is truthful in what the predator says and then discarding the rest. We dismantle the predator by maintaining our intuitions and instincts and by resisting the predator’s seductions.
Page 65 – Pinkola – women who run with the wolves
However during these observations I have come to understand more about my own psyche then I expected. After a few days of first doing the dishes while observing, I was at the same time wondering where this ‘’anger’’ or ‘’hate’’ comes from?
And I felt this enormous black void of emptiness inside and it was completely dark. And I understood at this moment that this is where I was residing. To be more specific, my inner child was residing in this void, reflecting it’s anger on to me for not
caring for him. I understood that my inability to perform the next step in cleaning the hallway was because it angered the predator. It did not like for me gaining a sense of responsibility or a sense of learning to ‘’grow up’’. The black void representing the predator and my inner child being held captured by it.
This realization made a click with me that I understood now why I craved attention when in the presense of other people and why I hurt other people because of lack of external consideration. It was similar as watching a movie and that I could see the reasons with much more clarity.
I saw how when I am in the presence of others and that when I seek or crave attention that it was the inner child begging to be seen by these other people, hoping that they could help him since I did not care to help that part of myself.
For a moment I could like feel what I truly am, I fell on my knees and cried gasping for air.I litteraly thought I was going to get a hearthattack any minute. For I saw the truth. How selfish I am. How I not care about others. Immediately the days following this moment I felt an enormous empty feeling inside, there were no emotions as if they were shut down. It was just this empty feeling. This sensation could be compared similairly to that feeling of being in a dark and empty void.
I felt that this is how my inner child must have been feeling all this time. I panicked and I immediately wanted to escape this ‘’void’’ by trying to lie to myself to get back to that ‘’safe haven’’. I didn’t want to be in this dark place anymore. But I remembered/felt that I was now in front of a crossroad. That I had to make a decision.
If I care so much for illusion and can not handle this place(confronting the dark void) then I should leave. Or I confront this dark void and dismember it through truth so that my inner child can have a chance to see the light.
I remembered that on my 13th birthday I had written the following on the back of my own picture. ‘’I will destroy all evil and never give up’’. And this then reminded me of my goal.
My goal in this lifetime is to learn how to become a normal human being. Learning how to care.
And the connection with the dream is as follows. I was unwilling to confront the predator’s thoughts, the poison that was spreading. Anart represented the sword, for she came across as a strong character in the dream. While the other people represented the shield, as I was sitting with them outside it felt nice, like companionship, it felt safe. The kitchen represented my mental state, my life.
The food represented my knowledge. So the people from the forum represented an aspect of my psyche that exist due to the gathering of knowledge or truth and an desire to grow. So the predator being the poison.
And I think the message is that if I do not take steps in taking control of my life. The poison/predator will.
So the bell in the dream was a good wake up call in reminding me to get a hold of myself and get in control of my life. Starting with the challenge.
For if I am able to become a master of my own house. I am able to do anything.
So I have started to make my own list (inspired by The List of atreides) as a guideline, as my bible that can help me in regaining control of my horses and caring for my inner child. I hope that on one day I can fully understand what a mother has to go through every day. So that I can become the ''mother/father'' of my inner child and learn what caring truly means.
Thank you all for reading and for all the feedback that you have given me.
