Was/Am I a Psychopath?! :( ?

[The_Seeker]

--Talking about this is very hard for me, and if someone is going to comment on this please be gentle, I have worked very hard to change who I was, I still feel the psychosis buried deep down inside, slowly dying off. It has been more of a challenge than I could ever explain. I would have placed this in the swamp, however I believe people may have something to gain off of this post and/or by asking questions. I also need to get it out into the open so I can try and heal.


I was reading sott.net this morning (a daily activity) and I came across the article "The Philosophical Significance of Psychopaths: Postmodernism, Morality, and God," and well I got a little nervous to say the least.

I showed a lot of these signs growing up, however I had empathy. I have always known something was a little off about me, it was not until about 2 years ago that I wanted to admit anything. I also firmly believe that my father is a full blown psychopath. (I'm serious) He shows almost all of the signs. He still scares me. Below are a list of incidents that I have felt as potentially damaging to me.

Incident = I killed animals as a child, or longed to kill them (choking, kicking, hitting, torture)

Incident = I was labeled as having narcissistic tendencies by a couples therapist.

Incident = The hentai/lolicon movement secretly fascinated me in my adolescence and mid-teen years

Incident = I was incredibly co-dependent, controlling, and full of rage, as far as relationships were concerned.

Incident = As a child I watched my father verbally, spiritually, and mentally abuse my mother and myself and my sister. Almost no physical abuse, however we were all terrified. (have you ever seen pure hatred and anger in someones eyes as the scream at you while starring deep into you, with a visage of murder?.. I have)

Incident = I could only cry when I was afraid or overwhelmed

Incident = as a young child K-5th I was bullied, as an older child I bullied back.

Incident = I was a social chameleon throughout all of my life, perfectly adapting to situations to get jobs or make friends, the problem came as people got to know me.

Incident = I watched brother Kent Hoven, creation scientist BS artist (not sure how to spell his name) VHS tapes on repeat for a couple of years while in high school, giving me the ammunition to argue most school aged evolutionists.

Incident = My dad is a psychopath. My mom was a saint (from my point of view) who only tried protecting us from our father that she couldn’t seem to escape from or let go of.

Incident = I have probably watched pornography almost every day since I discovered it online (11 or 12) up until I realized what it was doing to me spiritually/emotionally.

Incident = I found tapes of my parents “swinging” at age 11 or 12……. With other people as well as another family member as well as good family friends ☹ ☹ ☹ -this is hard for me to talk about, but I am seriously concerned with my own mental well being. (this came after I had already found a stash of regular pornography, when I went back to seek more I found this stash, doubly hidden.

Incident = I was talked into taking a huge (like 500 questions) personality test by the therapist that was mentioned earlier, and I scored off the charts... in a bad way. He said I must have been scathingly honest on it, which I was (since I was seeking to find out what was wrong) because the line on the chart went up and down like crazy.

Incident = I was attracted to women who were sexually deviant most of my life.

Incident = Television and video games were my babysitters most of the time from age 7 on.

Incident = I was always attracted to women who were already taken by other men for the challenge (married, engaged, dating) and have broken up many friendships and good homes even though the men normally did not find out, unless I caved and allowed myself to get caught because of the guilt.

Incident = More than once my dad told me in all seriousness that Satan was out to get me and that I was a cancer to the family. My sister moved out at 15 w/ her boyfriend's family (great people) and I had to bear the burden of being the in between between her and my parents (I was 16) This was harder than I can explain. I just wanted a normal life!



All of these things aside I have empathy and I feel guilt. I also have wanted to become a better person ever since I turned 21, and lost probably the love of my life to my own personality and problems. That was 6 and ½ years ago. I had to take a 2 year hiatus from even thinking about dating women, and just work on my own emotional development, which I am proud to say I am much better off than I was, but still have some length to go. I still battle with depression sometimes but as a youth it would come and go, and when it came the whole world was crashing down on my head, otherwise I was fine.

I have healthy friendships now, that are based on mutual trust and companionship. I am actually dating someone who seems to be a completely mentally healthy human being. :) I meditate now, and EE has helped tremendously. Although at first it sent me into a deep depression, so I stayed away for a while, but eventually I stuck with it. I now 'feel' more than I ever did and sometimes cry all by myself when I am overwhelmed with beauty or emotion or a movie or a book, this never happened before. I am learning to love people and animals and bugs alike. I now don't squish the spider, I take him outside or leave him where he is to do his job. I am very nurturing with cats and dogs now, and almost all of them seem to love me. This is huge for me, because of the guilt I carried for so long. Where as before most animals were skittish around me. I go out into the nature (local national and state parks) and just sit in peace with my surrounds when I feel like being alone. This forum has helped me quite a bit with the direct honesty that has been given. Also learning to seek truth behind the veil, has helped me realized that I was/am not the only broken one, and that there is a higher force at work possibly trying to undermine every positive step I take. These motivating factors have helped me develop into a better more loving more positive me, while still keeping my own identity. I 'know' that I am a lot less esoterically evolved than most people here on the forum, and it has probably shown in some of my posts. But I am asking for all of you to see that 'bad' people may just be bad because they have not yet realized what or who they are, and how they impact those around them. That was a true story for me, and is something I still have to battle from time to time. But there is always a way out. :)

The_Seeker

 

[Buddy]

But I am asking for all of you to see that 'bad' people may just be bad because they have not yet realized what or who they are, and how they impact those around them.

You might be pleased to know that many of us do, in fact, realize that. It's that "soul in struggle" idea. FWIW, I personally do not see a psychopath. I see a human being that suffered possibly deeply traumatic experiences and who seems to have regained his connection with the appreciation of life.

Thank you for sharing.

 

[Al Today]

Hi The_Seeker,

I agree with Bud.

I see a human being that suffered possibly deeply traumatic experiences and who seems to have regained his connection with the appreciation of life.

From how you were raised, and the person writing the last few paragraphs, I see two very separate people. Realizing what has been and who you want to be, can be very traumatic.

As one becomes familiar with concepts never seen before, one may "see" that they want to change. Sadness and guilt from that former way is a natural occurrence. Methinks to keep in mind true change does not come overnight. This takes time. Let the emotions out. One cannot change the past, but we can be in the now. Don't beat yourself up to the point where dwelling on pain may inhibit future growth. What has been done is done. Now and the future is open and up to you. The pain may be soul wrenching, for lack of words.

Although you may have had negative impact on others in the past, you may have balancing positive impacts to those around you now and in the future. As much as you think have been destructive in the past, think on the ways you can be a positive example and how you may help, be of service to others now and in the future. Who knows? Balance seems to be key, and perhaps the rest of your days may be as positive as the past was negative? What has been done is done. Rejoice in what you can do now and in the future...

 

[Gimpy]

But I am asking for all of you to see that 'bad' people may just be bad because they have not yet realized what or who they are, and how they impact those around them.

Fwiw, ponerized people...people who've been damaged by either living with psychopaths or other equally damaged people, can heal. It takes time, gentleness, and sometimes a boot to the rear on a case by case basis.


My parents are also very damaged people. I liken them both to old, wounded bears. I learned the hard way, very recently, that visiting two old wounded bears without a fence in between is a recipe for disaster. (Especially when chronically ill.)

I think you've been imprinted deeply by your parents toxic relationship, and it may take good therapy, EE, and time to heal the deepest wounds.

It's not impossible, but be prepared to make it a priority. It does matter, and you are worth it.

 

[anart]

I also firmly believe that my father is a full blown psychopath. (I'm serious) He shows almost all of the signs. He still scares me. [...] As a child I watched my father verbally, spiritually, and mentally abuse my mother and myself and my sister.

I think the above explains all of your incidents. Yes, some damaging wiring was laid down due to the environment in which you were raised, but you are struggling against it and will continue to do so. I think being aware of the past is important, as is not being defined by it. As long as you continue to Work and to struggle to heal the most damaged parts of yourself, you'll make progress, I think.

 

[Tigersoap]

Thank you for sharing this with us The_Seeker.
I wish you well !!

 

[mcb]

I can't imagine any of the several psychopaths I have had to deal with personally ever sitting around worrying about such things. They lived in an alternate reality where they could not be wrong (so why consider the possibility?). I shared a house with one for a while (not long!), which gave me a pretty close look. There was no hint of honest self-reflection. No empathy. No conscience. Lazy. Warped, fantasy-based reasoning. Thievery. Predatory behavior. Wishful thinking to the max.

In my self observation I have noted certain "questionable" traits, but I hardly think that makes me a psychopath. I certainly do have issues along the lines of Asperger's syndrome (which Asperger originally termed "autistic psychopathy"), but I do not lack empathy or conscience. I do seem to have at least a partial ability to shut them off, though, something that I choose not to do. And I have not experienced a lot of results from EE, although I am staying with it because it probably represents my best opportunity to deal with Aspergers' root causes, along with dietary change and supplementation. My "pro-social behavior wiring" doesn't seem to work right, but there is at least a possibility of improving the situation. None of this matters, except to point to possibilities for growth.

Use objective self observation to learn. Don't use it to look for reasons why you might fail!

 

[The_Seeker]

I was about to have a panic attack and rushed back to the office (where I forum/post from) to delete or seriously edit this post. I almost dreaded the responses, thinking that I would be torn apart or banned, but instead there were positive comments made!!

I am so glad to hear some of these things that you all wrote, they make me feel like a human being :) I have put a lot of torment on myself for who I was even as I change. This will help :) Thank you.

The_Seeker

 

[The_Seeker]

Another thought, not necessarily a side thought, but one that may help me develop. (mirrors welcome) I was just reading through the "Organic portals the other race" thread. If I was born into a family on my mothers side that had I would say 4 souled and 3 OP's, and on my fathers side all 3 OP's, 3 out of 3 showing ponerological tendencies. (back story, 3 raised in the slums of Detroit, 3 Doctoral degrees. All of them having predatory and hostile tendencies, all of them divorced, some more than once.

What am I? I feel as though I am an OP creating a magnetic center sometimes, however I have always had a thirst for knowledge since I broke out of the veils around 19-21. And as of late 25-27(present) I have been spending time studying the esoteric and working on self development and interaction with others in an STO fashion.

I want to believe that I am a souled being, because I feel as though I have been growing for some time now. At the age of 21 I had a life or death experience as well, a nurse informed me I would most likely die a horrible death because of a Tylenol overdose (my last major psychopathic act) I threw the pills down my throat in an attempt to prove a point to a woman I was with-

((later turned out she had suffered from Multiple personality disorder stemming from serious child abuse)-- on a side note I believe being with this woman for so long helped me overcome a lot of the problems I was having with women, she basically showed me how it felt to be manipulated and abused, as I had done to others in the past)

-that I could not stand her constant manipulation-

(when in turn I was trying to over manipulate her, never really wanted to kill myself, I believed I could vomit up the pills and then go back to the argument. Well... I tried and I couldn't... that was no fun)

-of every situation and how she flipped back and forth to different people all the time. Either way the nurse said I had only a few weeks left to live and they would be painful and horrible. I shrunk inside myself and immediately started making peace with God, everyone else and everything else faded away from the space that I was existing in. It was the most humbling experience of my life. Since that incident I have slowly been changing towards the better and even more, my curiosity for the afterlife had risen %5000!

Not really sure what I am trying to ask here other than, how do you view these events? I believe that all of you are just other me's and I am just another you, at a different level of consciousness. I believe that I have no real Idea of what is to come when I die, however logically it seems that life would continue on, or else all of our emotional and philosophical thoughts and feelings are pointless evolutionary traits that should have been weeded out some time ago. Also, I feel a longing inside of me, a feeling that everything around me is so wrong and skewed, and that I do not belong anymore. I want a world of cooperation, one of honesty and integrity, one that is not only humanitarian but also Eco responsible. I know (or vehemently believe) that extra terrestrial and extra dimensional beings exist, because why else would we be sitting on the spiral arm of a galaxy on the near edge of our universe if we were the only creatures to reach sentience, and why would it have taken only a short period of time, compared to all of the vast amount of time/space and space/time that exist around us?

The_Seeker

 

[RflctnOfU]

I don't really have anything to add to what has been said. Based on what was presented, however, I think the answer to the question in the thread title is NO. A psychopath, from what I understand, does not have 'multiple worlds' - outer, inner. They are 'one-dimensional' - ie "what I proclaim IS". There is none of that "nonsense" of introspection (the other direction/dimension) - feelings of empathy, guilt, etc..

FWIW, I think you have made GREAT progress. You have made the hardest step - getting past the initial inertia and started DOing the Work of self transmutation. Persevere! :D

Kris

 

[Stellaria_graminea]

I have psychopaths among my family members, and they would never have thought that it is something wrong with them. It's always somebody else's fought, and other people being insane. At the same time, they enjoy bad things happening to other people and has done a lot of nasty things, but they won't admit it in public. Furthermore, they laugh of other persons that do not discover what they have done. They're not logical at all.

The reflections and improvements you show in your posts seems fundamentally different from the psychopaths I have known. They would never have worked like this.

 

[anart]

Another thought, not necessarily a side thought, but one that may help me develop. (mirrors welcome) I was just reading through the "Organic portals the other race" thread. If I was born into a family on my mothers side that had I would say 4 souled and 3 OP's, and on my fathers side all 3 OP's, 3 out of 3 showing ponerological tendencies. (back story, 3 raised in the slums of Detroit, 3 Doctoral degrees. All of them having predatory and hostile tendencies, all of them divorced, some more than once.

Just a note that you cannot determine who is and who is not an OP. It is virtually impossible, so best to just focus on the self and growth and not get all tied up with 'spot the OP' - since it's not possible in any realistic way anyway.

 

[davey72]

But I am asking for all of you to see that 'bad' people may just be bad because they have not yet realized what or who they are, and how they impact those around them.

You might be pleased to know that many of us do, in fact, realize that. It's that "soul in struggle" idea. FWIW, I personally do not see a psychopath. I see a human being that suffered possibly deeply traumatic experiences and who seems to have regained his connection with the appreciation of life.

Thank you for sharing.

have to agree with Bud. I also tried searching for the reference, but could not find it. When asking the c's in one of the transcripts how to know if you are not a psychopath, and the answer was as simple as, "if you have emapthy, then you aren't" Or something to that efffect.

 

[ScarletBegonias]

I also firmly believe that my father is a full blown psychopath. (I'm serious) He shows almost all of the signs. He still scares me. [...] As a child I watched my father verbally, spiritually, and mentally abuse my mother and myself and my sister.

I think the above explains all of your incidents. Yes, some damaging wiring was laid down due to the environment in which you were raised, but you are struggling against it and will continue to do so. I think being aware of the past is important, as is not being defined by it. As long as you continue to Work and to struggle to heal the most damaged parts of yourself, you'll make progress, I think.

Hi The_Seeker, I agree with everyone and also like what anart wrote, that it's important not to be defined by it too. This must've taken a lot for you to write. Thank you for being strong and posting, because it helps me to learn more about this subject. I am looking for a book on healing from psychopathic damage for my own self and I will post on here if I can ever find one...In the mean time I am glad to read that you have made such great steps towards self-healing and keep up the good Work!

 

[Turgon]

Thank you for posting this The_Seeker!

Reading your post was like having a mirror put up. Looking back at my life, I've often wondered about myself too, thinking there is something wrong with me. I've been prone to anger most of my life, rarely cried unless scared or by myself, always wanting women I couldn't have, I fell into addictive abuse and pornography fairly quickly once exposed to it. The list goes on.

But reading how you are coming out of it is like watching a butterfly emerge from a cocoon. It's a process that isn't easy, but if you keep at it, you will emerge. You've also given me newfound hope in myself in reading what you've written.