wizard_9898
The Force is Strong With This One
What I'm about to write is really personal and somewhat embarrassing for me, but it feels like its time for me to sort this out. Who knows, maybe my story can be of help to others.
Since around October of last year, I haven't wanted sex; not with my wife or with anyone else. What happened? I used to have an abnormally high sex drive. Now, just the thought of sex gives me a pain in my stomach and a feeling of both nausea and panic followed by a sinking feeling in my chest. I know what it was now, and I believe that I knew what it was for a few days when it started, but the truth of the cause must have been overwhelming because the memory was quickly blocked from my mind. Before going into the cause, I need to go through the most recent events in the order that they happened.
For a long while, I had been assuming that my wife caused it, but at the same time I knew that, even if that was correct, I had also chosen it on a subconscious level. But why? Well, I have been doing Eiriu Eolas very sporadically, from a couple of times per month to once every 2 or 3 months, for about 2 years now. However, about 7 weeks ago, I decided it was time to make a commitment to doing it every day; of course, I do end up skipping a day every now and then but I'm doing it more now than I ever have before. Well, a few weeks ago while I was donating plasma, I decided to do some pipe breathing. I couldn't do more than a few breaths before transitioning to the Prayer of the Soul. I don't know why really, it just felt right and natural at the time. I was only a few phrases into the prayer and, at the same time, wondering why my subconscious would choose the path of no sex when I fell into a kind of trance.
In this state of mind, I clearly saw that, even though I had wanted to be of assistance to everyone I encountered, throughout my past the only people that I had actually tried to help were women that I had found attractive in some way. When I had tried to help them, my drive for self-gratification always skewed the effort; sort of muddying it. Many times, it would lead to sex, and by the end of the interaction, I would be wondering if I had actually helped them or made things worse. (I should mention here that I have not been with any other women since I got married.) I also saw that “something” happened at the end of last year that caused me, on a deep level, to choose this path in order to protect both myself and anyone that was asking for my help; so that I could give all without a hidden agenda undermining the effort. This realization shocked me, and I went home and apologized to my wife for internally blaming her for my choice. But I still wondered what that “something” could have been.
Within the last 2 weeks, my wife has brought up divorce; not because of the no sex (though I'm sure that's part of it). She said that me being honest with her caused her to take a hard look at herself and she realized that she had been lying to herself and to everyone else for most of her life because of her religious upbringing. She said that she understood now why our sex life for the entire 5 years of our relationship had been terrible for her; that she finally realized that she was not ‘into’ guys and never really had been, but her family would have shunned her if they ever found out that she was a lesbian. She went on to tell me that there was a girl that she has been having feelings for and wanted to explore a relationship with. This, of course, hit me like a ton of bricks, and, since then, I haven't been able to get through a day without breaking down into tears. The internal pain had gotten so bad that, for the last 4 days, I've had physical pain over my left shoulder, down the right side of my body, in my knees, and especially under my rib cage making it very difficult to breathe, as well as both of my hands going completely numb at different times throughout the day. But, this morning, I donated plasma again and felt exhausted afterward. I went home and laid down for a nap; that's when I had a dream. I'm not sure if dream is the right word because it was a reliving of that “something” that happened last year; the memory of it coming back to my mind. Here's what happened:
It was close to my daughter's 1 year old birthday and we were hanging out in “mommy and daddy’s bedroom.” She was playing with a few toys on the floor and I was hanging up laundry in the closet when I heard what sounded like paper tearing. My daughter had found a book under the nightstand on my wife's side of the bed and had tore a page out of it. The book turned out to be my wife's diary, and the page that was torn out was dated a few weeks earlier. It described an interaction that my wife had with one of her friends (a girl) in which they had been drinking and went skinny dipping followed with them making out. Her friend said that my wife should leave me and run away with her to New York and my wife agreed. On the back of the page was an entry dated about a week later saying that her friend was no longer talking to her, and that the episode was nothing more than alcohol clouding her friend's judgment, but really hurt my wife because she was wanting to run away with her and experience a “romantic” relationship with "someone that she really cared about". I remember feeling crushed for most of that day, but by the end of the day I did not remember that I had even seen that piece of paper. If my wife had been home, I'm sure that I would have confronted her with it, but she didn't get home until late that night. The most I remember from that night was my wife saying that I seemed a little distant, which I apologized for and said that I wasn't sure what was wrong with me. Even now, I don 't know what had happened to that page; it was probably thrown away.
When I awoke from the "dream", the pain that I had been experiencing for the last 4 days was gone; except for in my left shoulder. I don't know what this all means, but now I can see just how powerful Eiriu Eolas can be. It's enabled me to understand quite a bit about myself and the deeper reasons why I choose certain paths in my life. I honestly don't know what will happen with my sex drive, but I have a deeper understanding and awareness of it that I've never had before. Also, for the first time in weeks, I have a feeling of peace as well as an acceptance of what is going to be happening with my marriage in the near future.
Since around October of last year, I haven't wanted sex; not with my wife or with anyone else. What happened? I used to have an abnormally high sex drive. Now, just the thought of sex gives me a pain in my stomach and a feeling of both nausea and panic followed by a sinking feeling in my chest. I know what it was now, and I believe that I knew what it was for a few days when it started, but the truth of the cause must have been overwhelming because the memory was quickly blocked from my mind. Before going into the cause, I need to go through the most recent events in the order that they happened.
For a long while, I had been assuming that my wife caused it, but at the same time I knew that, even if that was correct, I had also chosen it on a subconscious level. But why? Well, I have been doing Eiriu Eolas very sporadically, from a couple of times per month to once every 2 or 3 months, for about 2 years now. However, about 7 weeks ago, I decided it was time to make a commitment to doing it every day; of course, I do end up skipping a day every now and then but I'm doing it more now than I ever have before. Well, a few weeks ago while I was donating plasma, I decided to do some pipe breathing. I couldn't do more than a few breaths before transitioning to the Prayer of the Soul. I don't know why really, it just felt right and natural at the time. I was only a few phrases into the prayer and, at the same time, wondering why my subconscious would choose the path of no sex when I fell into a kind of trance.
In this state of mind, I clearly saw that, even though I had wanted to be of assistance to everyone I encountered, throughout my past the only people that I had actually tried to help were women that I had found attractive in some way. When I had tried to help them, my drive for self-gratification always skewed the effort; sort of muddying it. Many times, it would lead to sex, and by the end of the interaction, I would be wondering if I had actually helped them or made things worse. (I should mention here that I have not been with any other women since I got married.) I also saw that “something” happened at the end of last year that caused me, on a deep level, to choose this path in order to protect both myself and anyone that was asking for my help; so that I could give all without a hidden agenda undermining the effort. This realization shocked me, and I went home and apologized to my wife for internally blaming her for my choice. But I still wondered what that “something” could have been.
Within the last 2 weeks, my wife has brought up divorce; not because of the no sex (though I'm sure that's part of it). She said that me being honest with her caused her to take a hard look at herself and she realized that she had been lying to herself and to everyone else for most of her life because of her religious upbringing. She said that she understood now why our sex life for the entire 5 years of our relationship had been terrible for her; that she finally realized that she was not ‘into’ guys and never really had been, but her family would have shunned her if they ever found out that she was a lesbian. She went on to tell me that there was a girl that she has been having feelings for and wanted to explore a relationship with. This, of course, hit me like a ton of bricks, and, since then, I haven't been able to get through a day without breaking down into tears. The internal pain had gotten so bad that, for the last 4 days, I've had physical pain over my left shoulder, down the right side of my body, in my knees, and especially under my rib cage making it very difficult to breathe, as well as both of my hands going completely numb at different times throughout the day. But, this morning, I donated plasma again and felt exhausted afterward. I went home and laid down for a nap; that's when I had a dream. I'm not sure if dream is the right word because it was a reliving of that “something” that happened last year; the memory of it coming back to my mind. Here's what happened:
It was close to my daughter's 1 year old birthday and we were hanging out in “mommy and daddy’s bedroom.” She was playing with a few toys on the floor and I was hanging up laundry in the closet when I heard what sounded like paper tearing. My daughter had found a book under the nightstand on my wife's side of the bed and had tore a page out of it. The book turned out to be my wife's diary, and the page that was torn out was dated a few weeks earlier. It described an interaction that my wife had with one of her friends (a girl) in which they had been drinking and went skinny dipping followed with them making out. Her friend said that my wife should leave me and run away with her to New York and my wife agreed. On the back of the page was an entry dated about a week later saying that her friend was no longer talking to her, and that the episode was nothing more than alcohol clouding her friend's judgment, but really hurt my wife because she was wanting to run away with her and experience a “romantic” relationship with "someone that she really cared about". I remember feeling crushed for most of that day, but by the end of the day I did not remember that I had even seen that piece of paper. If my wife had been home, I'm sure that I would have confronted her with it, but she didn't get home until late that night. The most I remember from that night was my wife saying that I seemed a little distant, which I apologized for and said that I wasn't sure what was wrong with me. Even now, I don 't know what had happened to that page; it was probably thrown away.
When I awoke from the "dream", the pain that I had been experiencing for the last 4 days was gone; except for in my left shoulder. I don't know what this all means, but now I can see just how powerful Eiriu Eolas can be. It's enabled me to understand quite a bit about myself and the deeper reasons why I choose certain paths in my life. I honestly don't know what will happen with my sex drive, but I have a deeper understanding and awareness of it that I've never had before. Also, for the first time in weeks, I have a feeling of peace as well as an acceptance of what is going to be happening with my marriage in the near future.
