When "Big Brother" is your brother.

[mcb]

Astrozombie, this may seem simplistic, but have you tried to talk with your father about this? You say he has a huge ego, but maybe the two of you could still "negotiate"?

Yes, I wondered about that too. But, as I said, it looks like there is "stuff going on on all sides" and it could be harder to do without resolving some of the other issues first. Having issues of your own to deal with (I know, who doesn't?) leaves you less able to see things and more vulnerable.

I am assuming this is a "family problem" and not something more sinister, but those can be the worst, sometimes, especially when psychiatrists are involved. There are psychiatrists out there that I respect, but I don't think that the resemblance between "psychiatrist" and "psychopath" is entirely coincidental. The profession seems to serve as yet another magnet for them because of the immense opportunities to abuse vulnerable people. If it's only 10% of psychiatrists, wow!

Yours is still a very good point.

 

[astrozombie]

Astrozombie, this may seem simplistic, but have you tried to talk with your father about this? You say he has a huge ego, but maybe the two of you could still "negotiate"?

Let me give some more back story as to how this unfolded. About two weeks ago (after I knew I was being spied on but before I knew the "whacko clause" was there, I went to make a withdrawal and simultaneously setup a transfer to occur two days ago. I made the WD with no problems.

But I was notified that the money did not go through and when I contacted the bank, they notified me that the trustee (daddy's lawyer(s) )had placed a hold on the transfer, (sidenote: It has since gone through but a hold is still placed on the account for any further wd's or transfers) I was able to reach the trustee but not my father. This is usually the case. He can't be bothered with the little stuff. In fairness, he has done some great things for people all over the world.

This is why I believe my brother is behind all of this. In his efforts to get back in my father's good graces, he has essentially become his official buttkisser and has more access to him than do I. I stopped believing in coincidences a long time ago.

In my family, the definition of crazy is: one who does not worship money and attain it at all costs.

That used to be me. I'm sure you can all tell that I am too biased to see through this and that why all the advice is helpful.

My father is not a control freak but I'm afraid that the influence my brother has on him is the real problem. Thus if my father listens to him, I am incapable of distinguishing the difference between the two. My father has his issues but my brother is the real psychopath here.

So yes, if I can get i contact with my father, I do believe this can be worked out. But I have not spoken directly with him in about six months and due to his age and health, I'm afraid that my brother has an even greater grip on him. I will be seeing one of my sisters tomorrow and I am interested to see what she thinks.

 

[mcb]

In my family, the definition of crazy is: one who does not worship money and attain it at all costs.

That used to be me. I'm sure you can all tell that I am too biased to see through this and that why all the advice is helpful.

I can see why you might think about just walking away from the trust.

Sometimes you need let go of something before you can have it. It might help to let go, without burning any bridges that would prevent you from having it later. Easier said than done.

I know somebody that lives off a similar kind of trust. The folks are gone but the trustees live on. All in all it is quite a good arrangement, in that instance, but then there are no siblings (an only child). It might have been even better if the father hadn't been the sort that you are describing. Siblings can turn this kind of thing into a nightmare.

 

[luke wilson]

Your brother has been spying on you without your knowledge?

Surely you can't let this slide by, at the very least you should have some kind of confrontation.

Furthermore I'd say employ a zero trust policy when it comes to him.

What about your mother? Where does she feature in all of this??

Lastly, your story sounds like something from a TV Show. This, let us fight over a trust fund, try and get on daddy's good side thing doesn't usually end well, at least on TV.

 

[mcb]

...Furthermore I'd say employ a zero trust policy when it comes to him...

That's one of the ideas on the table. :)

By the way, letting go of the trust does not necessarily mean letting the brother get away with stuff like that. But you have to consider both how everyone will be affected and what is the risk of continuing to be attacked. Is it worth it? Sometimes there is a clear path; sometimes maybe not.

 

[aragorn]

Your brother has been spying on you without your knowledge?

Surely you can't let this slide by, at the very least you should have some kind of confrontation.

Furthermore I'd say employ a zero trust policy when it comes to him.

What about your mother? Where does she feature in all of this??

Lastly, your story sounds like something from a TV Show. This, let us fight over a trust fund, try and get on daddy's good side thing doesn't usually end well, at least on TV.

I think a confrontation would be counterproductive. I would just let him know - since he already knows that you know - that this is not acceptable, 'draw a line in the sand' - and leave it at that. With problematic or possibly pathological people I try to maintain the policy of "Here are my boundaries, if you trespass - doing harm to me or my family - I will take action (not violence)". Sometimes for strategic reasons you will have to 'play along' until you figure out what's the best action to take, sometimes it's best to let it slide (see below).

It sounds like this brother might have some pathological traits, or serious emotional woundings. I've learned that with these kind of people, you have to carefully consider if picking a fight is worth it. In a sense, you can never win - the harasser will never admit of doing wrong. You can get him to leave you alone, but my guess is that you won't get an apology. At least this is my view, others may think differently.

ADDED: I'm not saying that we should tolerate pathological behavior, turn the other cheek. Just be strategic, wise as serpents gentle as doves.

 

[luke wilson]

I would just let him know - since he already knows that you know - that this is not acceptable, 'draw a line in the sand' - and leave it at that.

This is confrontation i.e. letting him know this is unacceptable and that you won't stand for it. If anything it'll make him think twice in future before he attempts something similar.

In fact it'll also make him understand why lets say, you don't trust him anymore.. Otherwise he'll just be like

"Why won't you let me use your computer anymore? I see you're hiding something from me??" etc etc.

instead it should be,

"I am not letting you use my computer because we all know what you did and no it's not just my computer, anything that I consider of any personal value"

Then he'll know this is a normal human response and has to work back up to build trust by being human.

 

[astrozombie]

I wrote this last night then meant to post it but instead I saved it as a draft. Thanks to everyone for reminding me that actual communication with my father could clear up matters. We'll actually be seeing each other soon for dinner.

BTW, Most of you here, read between the lines with an uncanny ability. It's not as if parent issues are uncommon (WHAT?!?), but mine is a weird tale and should I become as active as I plan on, you will all want some popcorn.

Hey folks,

I just received a phone call from my father. I have to say that I am in shock as I didn't even think he had my number.

I spent most of the day "demonizing" him in my mind and preparing my "go to hell" speech when he was in fact, doing the opposite.

He said that he had been extremely busy with some work in Africa (I believe him) and that E (my brother) was pressuring him to do something because I was losing my mind and blah, blah ,blah.

He said he only called the trustee and placed the hold so that he could get some peace from E until he was able to return to the states and see what all the fuss was about. He also said that he never thought I would even notice since I rarely touch it and that he was gonna remove it as soon as E got over himself. So he rationalized, "No harm, no foul." The hold will be lifted first thing in the morning and in the end, I guess that part of the ordeal was no big deal.

Big brother still has another thing coming though. He has this idea in his head that the only reason I'm not a screw up is to make him look worse. He practically said that word for word.

There will be a lot to learn from this in the coming days but there is an immediate lesson staring me in the face: Transfer trust into a personal account and be done with having to prove something to anybody, be it my ability to stand on my own two feet or my sanity.

So that's all cleared up and in the past, mostly. I'm undecided as to what to do about my brother and the computer issue. I did download the program intentionally but he obviously misrepresented the program. My attorney says it is a slam-dunk but is this really something I want to pursue?

Of course I want to amend our relationship one day but he is proving to be toxic at every turn. I know this is energy draining and he HAS to change before any reconciliation is possible. I don't see this happening but stranger things have happened.

I should also mention that I love my two nieces and nephew as if they were my own. He is divorced from their mother so my relationship with them is independent of their father. However, this could have unforeseen consequences as is almost always the case.

I apologize as I know personal drama is draining and can amount to nothing more than noise. I can't know for sure but I suspect I can get better advice from you all than I can a therapist and it's a lesson for everyone as well! :)

 

[mcb]

One caution. When you receive a good explanation from someone (i.e. your father), it is either the actual explanation or it is what you are supposed to believe. Sometimes it requires time and careful observation to tell which it is (and sometimes it doesn't actually matter). Breathe easier, but always proceed with awareness.

 

[astrozombie]

One caution. When you receive a good explanation from someone (i.e. your father), it is either the actual explanation or it is what you are supposed to believe. Sometimes it requires time and careful observation to tell which it is (and sometimes it doesn't actually matter). Breathe easier, but always proceed with awareness.

Megan,

That loud *Pop* was my bubble. This is what I wanted to hear.

This is a crazy world when some of the best advice is "proceed with awareness" in regards to family.

I read something a long time ago and while I can't remember it exactly, the gist of it was: Always question anything that confirms a desire.

Who doesn't desire a great family relationship?

As always, thanks.

 

[Sol Logos]

There will be a lot to learn from this in the coming days but there is an immediate lesson staring me in the face: Transfer trust into a personal account and be done with having to prove something to anybody, be it my ability to stand on my own two feet or my sanity.

So that's all cleared up and in the past, mostly. I'm undecided as to what to do about my brother and the computer issue. I did download the program intentionally but he obviously misrepresented the program. My attorney says it is a slam-dunk but is this really something I want to pursue?

Great it sounds mostly sorted now. One thing you might consider is that you brother is making the claim you are not of a sound mind. So it is his obligation to provide evidence to prove this, it's actually not legally your obligation to prove otherwise. As long as you know who you are and that your mind is sound, that you are not harming yourself or others, its a frivolous claim no matter what personal interests you have, no matter what forums you go to etc.

One thing you could do is write a very simple legally binding affidavit that states you are a self responsible person of a sound mind and that any claim to the contrary is not your responsibility, but entirely that of the claimant etc. Then you could send that to the trustee and a copy to your brother rather than go down the path of getting evaluations by others as to your sanity. If you know you are sane already why would you need or even want another 3rd party person (who you don't even know is sane themselves), evaluating your mental state?

 

[Leòmhann]

One thing you could do is write a very simple legally binding affidavit that states you are a self responsible person of a sound mind and that any claim to the contrary is not your responsibility, but entirely that of the claimant etc. Then you could send that to the trustee and a copy to your brother rather than go down the path of getting evaluations by others as to your sanity. If you know you are sane already why would you need or even want another 3rd party person (who you don't even know is sane themselves), evaluating your mental state?

alkhemst, good stuff :) ...thank you for this. Something tells me this is a practice that can generally come in handy these days as an effective, preemptive type of protection technique, especially in cases like this one involving family members who are making some huge assumptions and, in doing so, taking major leaps on infringing on forum members' free will (the incident contained in this posting, by the way, occurred, geographically speaking, not far from my locale): "Joe Szimhart & CultAware - New Niche for Psychopaths".

 

[Sol Logos]

One thing you could do is write a very simple legally binding affidavit that states you are a self responsible person of a sound mind and that any claim to the contrary is not your responsibility, but entirely that of the claimant etc. Then you could send that to the trustee and a copy to your brother rather than go down the path of getting evaluations by others as to your sanity. If you know you are sane already why would you need or even want another 3rd party person (who you don't even know is sane themselves), evaluating your mental state?

alkhemst, good stuff :) ...thank you for this. Something tells me this is a practice that can generally come in handy these days as an effective, preemptive type of protection technique, especially in cases like this one involving family members who are making some huge assumptions and, in doing so, taking major leaps on infringing on forum members' free will (the incident contained in this posting, by the way, occurred, geographically speaking, not far from my locale): "Joe Szimhart & CultAware - New Niche for Psychopaths".

Yeah, its sort like someone comes up to you on the street and insists you are a different person and then tells you that you need to do what they say in order to prove otherwise. The burden of proof as it's said, always lies with the person making such claims. And when a claim is made falsely too (ie no reasonable evidence provided), there could be a case for defamation and if the false claim is pursued further, harassment too.

 

[Aeneas]

One caution. When you receive a good explanation from someone (i.e. your father), it is either the actual explanation or it is what you are supposed to believe. Sometimes it requires time and careful observation to tell which it is (and sometimes it doesn't actually matter). Breathe easier, but always proceed with awareness.

Very good caution/reminder!

 

[astrozombie]

You know guys, it's one thing to know that a psychopath lives next door but it's another to know that you share blood with several and society says you're supposed to love and support them at all costs. That's crazy. Why should we tolerate these energy suckers?

Is this part of the agenda. Are they trying to condition us to just accept it so that we can fall easy prey to them?

Maybe I'm reading to deep into the all the great advice but something tells me that a lot of you here have had your own run ins with the psycho down the hall.