Chapter 5 - Who am I? What am I? Why am I?
Denial
from wiki_
Denial is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.
Why is it sometimes so hard to acknowledge our mistakes? Why is that we sometimes just won’t admit we are wrong.
Well after observing this program, I have seen that it usually has a strong connection to the ego, you don’t want to
feel ashamed, because feeling shame is wrong in your eyes, being corrected by someone else is evil, it should not happen.
This is what your predator tells you, and this is what you believe.
Now of course there are people who at least admit their mistakes, these people are sincere, but be very careful this kind of technique could also be used for manipulation.
There are some different stages in denial, at least that’s what I have noticed by self-observing myself. There is the ‘’go to hell, you are wrong no matter what and I am right denial’’ and ‘’okay, you are right, yes that’s true and I will work on it.’’ And yet it’s a lie, and don’t act towards what they say.
They still deny the problem, and use it to lie that they will work on a specific problem,
but yet they still don’t. This way the predator sees that if he deceives the other persons by telling him a fake ‘’truth’’ that he probably will stop question him.
I will give an example,
There was a time really that I was addicted to games, I mean wow, I was behind it playing games constantly, like whole days, and I had time for nothing else, there was only time for gaming.
Somewhere deep inside I knew that I had a problem.. but I denied it, and did not want to think about it. I failed school, because I did not focus on my exams, I only focused on self-gratification, games, games, games and more games.
Even a large part of my family knew I was addicted to games, and I hated that, I really wanted them to stop saying that, but I did not realize that it is because I really do have a problem.
Everyday I had fights with my parents about me playing games, and they said that I should get a job, and at some moment I said ‘’Yeah sure I will today’’ but I did not, but at least they stopped saying something at that moment, but the next day it started again.
Slowly I started to see that my addiction only brought problems to family and friends, because one day I asked myself, why the anger is always fixed on me, why are they not leaving me alone, when I was asking these things myself, I started to slowly see that I was the source of this problem, this small realization of the problem can be enough to help me fight this addiction if it’s continued.
When I started to become responsible for my actions, and saw how much energy was wasted because of this addiction and how much anger and confusion was brought upon my family , I started slowly to feel hatred towards games, It’s kind of amazing how it all went, because at one day I just chose to stop this madness, I chose to stop denying the problem I just stopped it.
Just like that, I honestly could not even believe that I was capable of doing something like this, maybe I could stop it so easy, because I stopped denying the problem and started to face it instead. when I stopped it, a great sense of relief came over which I can not express in words, there was also sadness, but I knew that it was because I lost a ‘’great’’ source of food.
I started to look for another school, and I found one who accepted me, and finished my first year with great results, and still going fine, I found a job at a kindergarten, men rarely work there, men are actually quite rare in those fields, so my chances of getting a job in those fields were big, because more men were needed, that’s at least what I heard from females who work at a kindergarten.
I went there and got accepted.
All of these problems we have, relationships, financial, addictions you name it, most of it all are also connected to denial, we are afraid of the truth. If you learn to accept your problem, if can learn to stop denying the problems you have, because you know , you have problems , but you don’t want to listen to that part of you who is trying to tell you the truth, so you repress it and you deny it.
From wiki_
Types of Denial
Denial of fact: This form of denial is where someone avoids a fact by lying. This lying can take the form of an outright falsehood (commission), leaving out certain details in order to tailor a story (omission), or by falsely agreeing to something (assent, also referred to as "yesing" behavior). Someone who is in denial of fact is typically using lies in order to avoid facts that they think may be potentially painful to themselves or others.
Denial of responsibility: This form of denial involves avoiding personal responsibility by blaming, minimizing or justifying. Blaming is a direct statement shifting culpability and may overlap with denial of fact. Minimizing is an attempt to make the effects or results of an action appear to be less harmful than they may actually be. Justifying is when someone takes a choice and attempts to make that choice look okay due to their perception of what is "right" in a situation. Someone using denial of responsibility is usually attempting to avoid potential harm or pain by shifting attention away from themselves.
Denial of impact: Denial of impact involves a person avoiding thinking about or understanding the harms their behavior have caused to themselves or others. By doing this, that person is able to avoid feeling a sense of guilt and it can prevent that person from developing remorse or empathy for others. Denial of impact reduces or eliminates a sense of pain or harm from poor decisions.
Denial of awareness: This type of denial is best discussed by looking at the concept of state dependent learning[2]. People using this type of denial will avoid pain and harm by stating they were in a different state of awareness (such as alcohol or drug intoxication or on occasion mental health related). This type of denial often overlaps with denial of responsibility.
Denial of cycle: Many who use this type of denial will say things such as, "it just happened." Denial of cycle is where a person avoids looking at their decisions leading up to an event or does not consider their pattern of decision making and how harmful behavior is repeated. The pain and harm being avoided by this type of denial is more of the effort needed to change the focus from a singular event to looking at preceding events. It can also serve as a way to blame or justify behavior (see above).
Denial of denial: This can be a difficult concept for many people to identify in themselves, but is a major barrier to changing hurtful behaviors. Denial of denial involves thoughts, actions and behaviors which bolster confidence that nothing needs to be changed in one's personal behavior. This form of denial typically overlaps with all of the other forms of denial, but involves more self-delusion.
another article about denial.
Denial is the psychological process by which human beings protect themselves from things which threaten them by blocking knowledge of those things from their awareness. It is a defense which distorts reality; it keeps us from feeling the pain and uncomfortable truth about things we do not want to face. If we cannot feel or see the consequences of our actions, then everything is fine and we can continue to live without making any changes.
Denial comes in many forms. It is not just for chemical dependents either. If you are human, you have denial about something--your relationships, your behavior, your health, your family, etc. We all want everything to "be fine." We have denial to keep us from pain.
For persons who are chemically dependent, to keep their denial is to die. In the process, they create pain for those around them, and they have denial about that, too. To recover, they need to see their denial and see how it works so that they can loosen the grip of their addictions. Denial is replaced by the truth and acceptance. To be in denial feels like anger, fear, shame, and isolation. Instead of being cold and cut off from themselves and others, they can be warm and begin to grow again.
Defenses are the specific way we ward off attacks on our denial. Some defenses are conscious and we are aware of them. Others are subconscious. We use both to keep our denial intact. Listed below are common defenses, or forms of denial. We use all forms of denial, although there are some that become our favorites.
1. SIMPLE DENIAL: Simply denying being chemically dependent. Example: "You're an alcoholic." "No, I'm not."
2. MINIMIZING: Minimizing is admitting the alcohol-related problem to some degree but in such a way that it appears to be much less serious or significant than it actually is. "I wasn't that bad at the party," "Yes, I drink, but not that much," "I had a couple but I was OK to drive," "I only drink beer, not the hard stuff so it's not that bad" are frequently heard examples of minimizing.
3. RATIONALIZING: Rationalizing is making excuses or giving reasons to justify your behavior about your drinking or using. Examples: "I can't sleep, so I drink or use pills." "I had a hard day and was upset," "I usually don't drive after 1 drink but a friend needed a ride home - that's the last time I'm the nice guy!" are some of the examples of rationalizing. The behavior is not denied but an inaccurate explanation of its cause is given.
4. INTELLECTUALIZING or GENERALIZING: Intellectualizing is avoiding emotional, personal awareness of an alcohol-related problem by using theories about your chemical dependency, keeping it general and vague. "Are those breath machines really reliable? Just the other day I was reading about problems with them." "Lots of people have wine with meals, are they alcoholics?" "My family is alcoholic and I have the wrong genes." "My childhood was so bad, it's a way of coping with my underlying feelings." These all are examples of intellectualizing.
5. BLAMING: Blaming (also called projecting) is maintaining that the responsibility for the behavior lies somewhere else, not with us. "You would drink too, if you were married to her!", "The cop was out to get me," or "I lost my job, that's what made me drink" are examples of blaming. The behavior is not denied, but its cause is placed 'out there', not within the person doing it.
6. DIVERSION: Diversion is changing the subject to avoid a subject that is felt to be threatening. A common example of diversion is responding with a joke, such as "You wouldn't expect me to walk in that condition, would you?" Other examples of diversion: "Yeah, I got drunk last night, so what's for dinner?" "My drinking bothers you? Your weight bothers me!"
7. BARGAINING: Bargaining is cutting deals or setting conditions for when things will be right to deal with the problem. Examples: "I'll quit drinking if you quit smoking." "I'll quit when there is less stress at work."
8. PASSIVITY: Passivity is ignoring the situation, or being it's victim. "I've tried to quit before, but it's stronger than me." "There's nothing I can do." "If only I had more will power..." are examples of passivity.
9. HOSTILITY: Hostility occurs when the person becomes angry or unpleasantly irritable when the subject of his drinking or using is mentioned, scaring or threatening people away from discussing it. A classic example is the situation where the drinker asserts that his wife does not mention that he drinks too much. In fact she used to mention it, but hasn't for years because every time she mentioned it in the past he got angry and they had a fight - so, she doesn't mention it any more. Examples of hostility: "l'm lousy in bed when I'm drunk? Fine, no more sex." "Get off my back!" "You like my paychecks, don't you?"
Denial is automatic; it is not usually a matter of deliberate lying or willful deception. Most dependent people do not know what is true or false concerning their drinking or drug use and its consequences. They are blinded to the fact that their view of the situation does not conform to reality. The denial system distorts their perception and impairs their judgment so they become self-deluded and incapable of accurate self-awareness.
Denial is progressive. The denial system becomes increasingly more pervasive and entrenched as the illness of chemical dependency progresses. In the very early stages it is minimal, and with encouragement, such people can usually view their problem fairly realistically. However, by the time a person's illness is sufficiently advanced that the problem appears serious in the eyes of others, an elaborate system of defenses shields him/her from seeing what is really happening.
http://www.nh-dwi.com/caip-202.htm
When dealing with smaller programs, when you deal with them effectively, you can become more depressed and relieved,
because all this time, you believed you were the one in control of your own machine.
But these observations, if you do them yourself ,
you will see that you never had any control,
Most of our choices are probably based on emotional feelings or lack of understanding.
The more you start to know about yourself, the more depressed you become, and the more relieved.
FROM ISOTM
"But there are a thousand things which prevent a man from awakening, which keep him in the power of his dreams. In order to act consciously with the intention of awakening, it is necessary to know the nature of the forces which keep man in a state of sleep.
"First of all it must be realized that the sleep in which man exists is not normal but hypnotic sleep. Man is hypnotized and this hypnotic state is continually maintained and strengthened in him. One would think that there are forces for whom it is useful and profitable to keep man in a hypnotic state and prevent him from seeing the truth and understanding his position.
Feeling special
feeling special, I think most of the people have probably felt special and chosen when they found the work, or for whatever reason.
We all feel special in some sense,
From my observations I have seen that feeling special can have dangers consequences, I will give an example.
Feeling special can give you a feeling of superiority, which makes you feel that you don’t have to do much anyway, because you are chosen, you become selfish and you don’t care about the truth because you are the special one.
When I found the work, I was also in a period where I thought that I was special/chosen and that I was special because I was chosen to find the work.
But you know, the more I thought about this, I started to realize that there is no one who chooses you or whatever, YOU are the one who makes the choices, it is you who found the work, because you decided to search for it.
It is not because you are special, or chosen but because you just decided to look for the truth, that’s really all.
Also don’t forget that feeling special is connected with anticipation and expecting rewards.
These anticipations are merely wishful thinking and lying to the self so that you feel comfortable.
Also ask yourself this, what is the reason you are doing the work?
Are you doing the work because you want rewards?
The more you get involved in self-observation and self-remembering, the more you start to really see that you really are not who you thought you were, and that you never were special but merely a sheep walking in circles.
Sadly I know people who see themselves very special and chosen, when I talk with them the conversations go as follow;
I am X , and the one I talk too is Y
X: So you say you are chosen, how do you know this?
Y: I know this, because our god is great and almighty and I am sure if we follow his way that we will be rewarded and that he will take care of us.
X: But how do you really know that it is god who says this and not someone else that made it up?
Y: It is written in the books, look at the Christians, do they also not believe that they are chosen? And that it is Jesus that will save them.
X: What if some evil people changed the real meaning of Christ and your god for the purpose of distraction and control? And I mean the books, how certain are you that honest and sincere people wrote them?
Y: You should not say that, such thing is not possible, nothing can change the words of god.
X: Do you ever question god? As in wondering who or what he really is?
Y: No, thinking about such thing is wrong! If you honour his name, and follow his way, he will open the gates to heaven for you.
And so after a few more minutes my talk with him ended, it is really sad, critical thinking is impossible for this man. But feeling special can have different forms, forms of religion, forms of love, but in the end it’s all the same,
it’s all about feeling good, and you don’t have to worry about anything, because you are special.
From ISOTM
"There is an Eastern tale which speaks about a very rich magician who had a great many sheep. But at the same time this magician was very mean. He did not want to hire shepherds, nor did he want to erect a fence about the pasture where his sheep were grazing. The sheep consequently often wandered into the forest, fell into ravines, and so on, and above all they ran away, for they knew that the magician wanted their flesh and skins and this they did not like.
"At last the magician found a remedy. He hypnotized his sheep and suggested to them first of all that they were immortal and that no harm was being done to them when they were skinned, that, on the contrary, it would be very good for them and even pleasant; secondly he suggested that the magician was a good master who loved his flock so much that he was ready to do anything in the world for them; and in the third place he suggested to them that if anything at all were going to happen to them it was not going to happen just then, at any rate not that day, and therefore they had no need to think about it. Further the magician suggested to his sheep that they were not sheep at all; to some of them he suggested that they were lions, to others that they were eagles, to others that they were men, and to others that they were magicians.
"And after this all his cares and worries about the sheep came to an end. They never ran away again but quietly awaited the time when the magician would require their flesh and skins.
"This tale is a very good illustration of man's position.
Additional information on body movements
Like I said in the previous chapter, that it’s important to combine self-remembering not only with your programs, but with your whole being, how do you move? How does your body act ? etc. etc.
From Defining body language
Movement can be equated to dance. It’s more than just the gestures themselves,
it’s about the timing of them as well. Anticipating an action and registering
that it’s about to happen before it does, gives you information that
others may not grasp.
If you read the above you can think for example about moments where your girlfriend, wife , friends or whatever had a bad day, and when people have a bad they can become angry easily.
By knowing your own body movements in connection to programs, for example; what kind of body language do you show when you are angry? If you already know this, then you can know to some extent that talking to someone who has a bad day, that person could easily turn into rage and anger.
Being able to read other’s signals is a stepping stone to effective communication.
By observing how people move and gesture, you get a glimpse into their
emotions. You can tell, for example, the intensity of someone’s feelings by the
way she stands. You can see what kind of mood a person’s in by the speed of
her gestures. By having an insight into someone’s feelings you’re forewarned
and forearmed for whatever may happen next.
Say that you’re at a party with a friend. You notice her sitting dejectedly by
herself. Seeing her in this position, with her head hanging down and her arms
wrapped around her body, you know that she needs a little tender loving
care. You gently put your hand on her arm and she begins to feel a bit better.
Later at the party you observe that some of the younger guests – who have
had more than their fair share of drink – are beginning to go from jovial to
rowdy. You notice the lads pushing and shoving one another, which is your
sign to leave.
By reading body language effectively, you can tell when you can stay and
when to go.
Appreciating cultural differences
Even though you appreciate the differences between cultures and nationalities,
you may sometimes find yourself confused, scared, or even repelled by
displays of body language that are very different from what you’re used to.
Because people in one culture act differently than people in another doesn’t
suggest that one is right and the other is wrong. When it comes to cultural
differences, the operative verbs are ‘to respect’ and ‘to value’.
Valuing behaviours that vary so much from those that you grew up with,
and were taught to believe in, can be hard. To create respectful, positive relationships
between different cultures and nationalities, you need to expand the way
you think and work, from an attitude of respect.
That doesn’t mean having to agree with all the behaviours you see in your travels.
Instead, accept that differences do exist, and then decide how best to respond.
Note:
Different nationalities and cultures use their bodies differently. An acceptable
gesture in one country may land you in jail in another. Before visiting or
moving to another country, do your homework and find out what’s suitable
and what’s not. Before making a gesture, think whether it’s appropriate and
acceptable before doing so.
The more you self-observe and try to self-remember, you will also realize how important it is to be around people, other people usually trigger in us a particular behaviour, thought etc.
And from observations I have noticed that our daily lives, interaction with other people can play a great role in understanding ourselves.
I will explain that more later on.
And I would like to end this chapter with a quote from the movie K-pax.
Prot: I wanna tell you something Mark, something you do not yet know, that we K-PAXians have been around long enough to have discovered. The universe will expand, then it will collapse back on itself, then will expand again. It will repeat this process forever.
What you don't you know is that when the universe expands again, everything will be as it is now. Whatever mistakes you make this time around, you will live through on your next pass. Every mistake you make, you will live through again, & again, forever. So my advice to you is to get it right this time around. Because this time is all you have.
Chapter 6 will be ready next week!
In chapter 6 I will also talk a bit about doing the work in our environment(friends, work, etc.)
