Why are you single?

[Paragon]

Thanks for your responses.

I think your feelings are normal in the sense of missing something you may feel you lost if that makes sense. However, perhaps as you said, you are idealizing the situation. When a relationship has ended, it can be very difficult to remember the things you didn't like about the relationship or aspects of the relationship that may not have been in your best interests. Instead, we can tend to only view it in the context of the "good times".

My suggestion would be to try to do things that keep your mind from engaging in the illusion as it only serves as a hook. Also, if you can, try and take pleasure in the solitary aspects of your life. When I was in that situation, I would make a point to cook nice meals for myself and do other things that were in line with caring for myself (play music, light candles, etc). Not sure if that helps.

When I think of doing those things for myself i am sad because it reminds me of her. When we were together I always used to do those kinds of things in relation to her, if that makes sense. I have done this always in my relationships which makes it harder to let go because I associate things like music and art or looking at a sunset or travelling, with her. I feel connected with her when doing these things, as if she was there with me inside, as if she, the universe and I were sharing the experience. These feelings arent always as strong as at other times, but usually when I feel depressed or very tired.

I have got better at doing things for myself without thinking about her, but it's still there in the background, wishing we were together to share it as one.

The way she accepted who you were unconditionally, with no ideas of changing you or influencing you. She would never have cheated on me or intentionally hurt me. She was very sweet and very beautiful too. I guess I really miss her 'idealness', that pureness of love she showed me, her pure character. Now we don't even speak because it's too hard for her. I feel very guilty because she now goes out all the time and gets drunk and I feel that I've contributed to that damaging lifestyle. Even though I have done it and continue to do so, albeit I am getting sick of it now, I just felt that there was a pureness about her that I've helped to dilute by hurting her so much that for her to feel happy she needsto go out and stuff.

Paragon,

Something about how you wrote this smacks of somebody who is not looking at the objective reality. In your original breakup-post you mentioned that you two went through a period of arguments. Was she exactly the ideal you described above during this period as well?

The way you've written this makes it sound like this girl is just at your whim and that she would have you back anytime you want. Put yourself in her shoes. If she were to do all of this to you, would you take her back?

Also, did you have any other relationships, however brief, during the time you were apart from your ex-girlfriend? That could make any fully reconciliation difficult, if not impossible.

Maybe it would be best to stay single and live with your decision. I know that sounds difficult, especially if you haven't been single for long periods of your life, but a single life does have its ups. You just have to retrain your brain to a new way of thinking about life. And I don't mean going out and womanizing, sleeping around, or drinking life away either. Truthseeker gave you some good advise too about taking pleasure in the solitary aspects of your life. There are plenty of creative outlets for a single guy your age. Do you write, perform/create music, draw/paint, etc? You can take any creative endeavors you have and set some goals for yourself. This will give you a a sense of purpose in life.

In my break up post I did indeed mention we argued and I was going through a period of projecting my narcissistic tendencies onto her which somewhat cooled down after I started looking at the material here, but I also mentioned that we hardly fought as much before that time . I think it's because we took it very slow to begin with, not rushing things and bonding together without any sex until 6 months into the relationship. I was reading Cupids Poison Arrow by Marnia Robinson, and I seen myself a lot where it stated that males would tend to become chemically 'switched off' with their partners after mating sex, and the time we were arguing I remember we were having a lot of sex in that period. That could have led to my decision to break up also OSIT.

She was good when I suddenly had an anger outburst where she would just reply as if nothing had happened, which calmed me down and helped me self remember. I really miss that part of her, and it's not just because she was pretty or funny or something else, it was her ability to help me see myself and my hurtful actions. Sometimes obviously if I acted angrily towards her she would reply in the same, but when thinking back I didn't treat her very well at all because of my narcissistic wounding and she would point out that, calmly and cooly. She would complain about my short fuse a few times but accepted that as part of me and was willing to help. I loved that about her.

And no ever since I split up with her just before she travelled to New Zealand and Australia for a month, it has been near impossible to talk to her and she keeps pushing me away whenever I tried. She was feeling very vulnerable about going away for A month on her own and she said she would miss me loads. So I broke her heart and totally ruined any trust we had together. When we both got back from our respective holidays, we met up and talked about us, and she didn't know what she wanted anymore since she couldn't trust me. I kept in contact with her, texting her every couple of days and her tHe same if I didn't text her, occasionally mentioning something nice that reminded us of each other. We met up again a few months later and it was different and awkward, with us both arguing and expresing our anger and frustiation at the situation that had built up as a result of not being together. She needed to heal for us to ever be together again and that it would take time if it were to happen and for us to not just jump back straight into it. Then we began to just drift apart and we don't speak anymore. The most recent contact was one where she said that I hurt her too much to ever go out again and that it was too hard to be friends. I can't blame her at all because of the way I treated her.

I have not had any other relationships apart from a friendship that has been rekindled with my first love. I was with this girl for 3 years and we had a great bond and I loved her intently, albeit looking back now there was quite a lot of feeding going on as we used to argue loads and loads. And this apparently drilled home how much I miss my ex and her 'essence' if you will. I have been careful not to get involved with anyone else because I once rebounded with someone after my first love and I found out that it doesn't help, and only makes things worse as you try to compare between both. It's really not fair or nice on the other person either ,at all.

I too deep down, whatever may be there, knows that being single is for the best because I would only fall back in moving on and would end up hurting that other person which I don't want to do anymore. Theres just a part of me that would love to be back with my ex and with the progress I feel I've made, as subjective that may be, would make it work and not hurt anymore. But I don't really think that part of me is seeing the bigger picture . One of my many 'I's perhaps.

 

[Paragon]

Hi luke,

The way she accepted who you were unconditionally, with no ideas of changing you or influencing you. She would never have cheated on me or intentionally hurt me. She was very sweet and very beautiful too. I guess I really miss her 'idealness', that pureness of love she showed me, her pure character. Now we don't even speak because it's too hard for her. I feel very guilty because she now goes out all the time and gets drunk and I feel that I've contributed to that damaging lifestyle. Even though I have done it and continue to do so, albeit I am getting sick of it now, I just felt that there was a pureness about her that I've helped to dilute by hurting her so much that for her to feel happy she needsto go out and stuff.

I think RyanX and truth seeker have made some very good points. I dont know if you've read the thread on healing the spirits of trauma. What you described here reminded me of this...

So you remember her suffering but you resist accept¬ing that she had been raped that night? You are a profes¬sional, and a good one, I may say. Don't lie to me that you can't recognize the trauma of rape. I bet you can recognize it in the first few moments of your conversation with a patient. And you did. I bet you did recognize it in Lara, but refused to accept it, giving it to a part of your memory you don't think is yours. Lara was too good to be raped. Rape doesn't happen to good women. This is your first gap, as much as it was hers. Face it now.

She lives inside of you; you have her image in your memory nurtured by years of growing up together. She is projected like an icon for you, one who is always pure, always strong, and to whom you can turn in moments of confusion. You feel great relief that an ideal exists and can help you to make sense out of reality when¬ever you need it. You provide therapy for yourself by hold¬ing to this ideal. You won't let it go, even at the expense of letting the real person suffer. You close your eyes and ears in order not to hear about the ugly rape; you erase it/ from her story. This is hypocrisy, Olga, a huge gap you need to heal. Lara was a live person and her suffering is no symbolic but real. You need to help her.

Uhmm, obviously your case is not the same as this but what I think you might have in common is that you have projected an image of her in your memory making her an icon who is pure, strong etc etc which might not exactly represent who she is, it might be ignoring other aspects of her. It might be that the image you have projected stops you from viewing objectively. It could be a gap in your memory as the article states. Just a thought... Sometimes we project ideal images of other people in our heads that stop us from really seeing them in an objective way. Not only does this hinder meaningful interactions, it could be a way in which we perpetuate hurt to those same very people... OSIT.

I feel the decision to split up was the right one because at the time I needed to live that single life, to get out there and see what's on the other side. And that's a whole lot of shallowness and loneliness for sure! I knew it was going to be like that but I had to do it, to experience it, so that I know inside of me that it isn't what makes me really happy. Almost to crystallise the whole experience if you will.

I wish to put forward a different angle just to give you something different to think about. Maybe question your motives, see if your motives are true. Could it be that, what you wrote here is essentially a lie or not the entire truth? In light of that new information, about memory gaps and preserving those images, could it be that you split up, because the girl in objective reality didnt match up to the image you had in your memory of her and so in essence, the splitting up was a way to preserve/protect that image?

Basically I want to know if my feelings are normal or how I can let go of her. I feel like some nasty entity has sucked on to these feelings and is influencing me somehow.

Maybe you should read that thread, healing the spirits of trauma.

http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=21670.0

Thanks for the reference to healing the spirits of trauma. I have read that thread beforehand and found it to be very intresting! :)

Yes I do feel slightly that looking back in my memories they are rosy etc and there are the times where she was annoying and needy ( i have noticed this in my self strangely enough!), but overall I'm pretty sure that she was a very good girl in terms of helping me to see myself and not reacting to my own mechanical outbursts. Our personality clicked well together and our essences complimented each others. Deep down I do value principles like loyalty and honour and I know my actions have not at all reflected that, so I think maybe I was letting my previous experience of hurt with a girl whom cheated on me, to then project onto my ex, because i was scared to commit like I had with my first love. A narcissistic circle of hurt?

And I don't think that i split up with her because the image of her in my head did not relate to objective reality. I think this because I knew at the time why I split up with her and I still know why I done it. I hadn't known
what single life was like and even though I knew it was all an illusion I.e that of going out drinking and hanging with your friends trying to get a girl, I had never been one of the guys properly before and thus never knew how it felt to be in a group of friends , enjoying myself socially. And all my life I havent been really the cool one, kinda rejected and made fun of as a kid, so to then be accepted and able to particitpate in my cultures ways of life for young people, was good for that part of me, if that makes sence. I had to go down that road, bearing in mind I knew that it was all just an illusion , so that the part of me that longed for it, would realise that it's all futile. And I still battle with this daily, this epic conflict between my predator, my many (I's) and between my essence that longs for knowlege and something other. I believe it was Anart that said if I had these kinds of thoughts and desires, to go and do them, because I can't love someone really and properly with them inside me. I also re,ember reading something on the stairway to the 4th man and the 5th man etc, and also the concept of 'sitting on the fence', in the Cass glossary, and I believe I'm really at that stage in my life. It's really hard to fight my predator, and It really annoys me because when I was younger I was much more integrated with my essence and was picked on for it in school, just because I was so interested in facts about the world and being sincere when other kids just made fun of one another. And now I'm more like everyone else my age, easily swayed by banter or going out with the guys. I wonder if i had never got 'accepted' by people as one of the guys, then how easier it would be to do The Work.

 

[truth seeker]

I too deep down, whatever may be there, knows that being single is for the best because I would only fall back in moving on and would end up hurting that other person which I don't want to do anymore. Theres just a part of me that would love to be back with my ex and with the progress I feel I've made, as subjective that may be, would make it work and not hurt anymore. But I don't really think that part of me is seeing the bigger picture . One of my many 'I's perhaps.

Much of what you said reminds me of a relationship I had only it was me that was left. I would suggest that you stop contacting her. It seems as though she's trying to tell you that she's not interested - too much water under the bridge.

I agree that you may not be seeing the bigger picture. She's moved on and while you have changed, she probably has too. This is one part that can be difficult to see - how her changes may affect the dynamics between the two of you.

You also seem to be speaking mainly in terms of what was good about the relationship for you - you can't be sure what was good about the relationship from her point of view. Whatever that was is not enough for her to overlook the breakup. So it seems like you're primarily interested in her for what she did for you (how she made you feel).

While it's good that you realize how your behaviors may have affected her, I don't think you should use that to beat yourself up over but rather see it as a lesson to avoid repeating the same mistake.

One possibility of the bigger picture may be that the two of you are not on the same path. Perhaps think about how if would feel if you got back together only to find this out at a later date and then have to reconsider breaking up with her again. Add marriage to that and children. It would be a pretty big knot to untie. Is that price worth it to not feel lonely for a few months or years?

Just saw your last post. I think that is something to consider as well. You probably made the right decision. If you hadn't, I don't think you would have been able to be fully engaged in that relationship and would most likely ended up resenting her if you stayed. It happens quite frequently. You needed to go out and grow some. The thing is, as I said, she probably did as well. I know it's difficult right now, but hang in there. With time, I think you'll gain more perspective.

 

[Paragon]

Much of what you said reminds me of a relationship I had only it was me that was left. I would suggest that you stop contacting her. It seems as though she's trying to tell you that she's not interested - too much water under the bridge.

Yes it does appear she doesn't want to be friends. I just find that very hard to accept. I think I may have a feeding problem because I sometimes get an very strong urge to check up on her facebook page and see if she has a boyfriend or something, telling myself that when she does, then it will be easier to move on. It's like a flood of sexual energy that needs to be satisfied on some sick way. And Because I have dealt with that before with my first love and perhaps because it's something I know how to deal with, my predator uses that as an excuse to check up?

I agree that you may not be seeing the bigger picture. She's moved on and while you have changed, she probably has too. This is one part that can be difficult to see - how her changes may affect the dynamics between the two of you.

This may be perhaps the reason she said i was trying too hard when we met up after splitting. We both could have been projecting ideals of each other also?

You also seem to be speaking mainly in terms of what was good about the relationship for you - you can't be sure what was good about the relationship from her point of view. Whatever that was is not enough for her to overlook the breakup. So it seems like you're primarily interested in her for what she did for you (how she made you feel).

Yes, how I felt, how I need to be with her, never mind what is best for her. My goodness my selfishness there is apparent to see. It truly is astounding to see it mirrored back! It is sobering to think that I wasn't very good to her and is one of the reasons she didn't want to take me back, among perhaps her needing to be single herself. I feel a need to possess her and have her for myself, no one is allowed her but me though I can see my selfishness, a part of me is screaming " they can't know what it was like! Or I'm not giving the full story and they can't ever know that so their advice is never going to be right!". It's very i dunno, weird to see two in me, both conflicting with one another, one wiser and telling me to stop wasting energy on her (easier said than done pal! :)) and one just wanting to be with her no matter what. I have cornered my predator?

One possibility of the bigger picture may be that the two of you are not on the same path. Perhaps think about how if would feel if you got back together only to find this out at a later date and then have to reconsider breaking up with her again. Add marriage to that and children. It would be a pretty big knot to untie. Is that price worth it to not feel lonely for a few months or years?

A big part of me is really against idea that we are not meant to be and that we are not on the same path. It's like we need to be on the same path or I feel like I have lost something. It's a very big voice actually if I observe it.

Yes i do imagine if I felt these feelings again and we were married and had kids. Not a good situation. I do feel that if we got back together, then knowing that she had been with other people and shared experiences with other guys then it would be hard and i would feel it would never be the same. Obviously it's never going to be the same, but the feeling remains.

Just saw your last post. I think that is something to consider as well. You probably made the right decision. If you hadn't, I don't think you would have been able to be fully engaged in that relationship and would most likely ended up resenting her if you stayed. It happens quite frequently. You needed to go out and grow some. The thing is, as I said, she probably did as well. I know it's difficult right now, but hang in there. With time, I think you'll gain more perspective.

Or that maybe That when she went away and we all came back from holiday, we would have missed each other loads and i would have realised how much I missed her and not wanted to have be single. But then I would not be where I am now on terms of seeing my machine.

I think the hardest part is realising she probably had to go out and be single too. I was always very paranoid about this when she went on holiday with the girls, and she didn't do anything because she was so loyal to me, but I still could not get over my jealousy. The sad thing is , when she came back and this was 2009 so not recently, I cheated on her because of the energy expended in worrying about her on holiday, I felt i had to get back at her, even though she never done anything!! Even worse she caught me kissing another girl. I still feel mass guilt over that. I hurt her so much that night. At the time my ego was massive but deep down I knew it was wrong to feel that and go through with it, even though I was drunk and that's not an excuse. And she even took me back after that! Bah to the predator!

 

[cubbex]

It is normal to say no to someone that you are kind of in love (I don't know how to say it in english), because I don't want to be with someone if there is no porpuse, not learning or... whatever way you can do something important, or give your time to something that just take your time and effort on some illusion.... ok I think I just have answered myself.

Have you lived something like this? That you were almost falling in some decision that tooks you to nothing?

It kind of hurts becaus I as almost all of my age want to have this experience but this thoughts are so strong that I can't do it, I can't do it, lot of reason do not let me do this. Lot of people criticize me, that I will not live what I could and whatever... BUT HELL!!! I want something beyon the physical limits and romanticism, some kind of friend or something.

I do not know what I want really. But this thing is fun in a way.

 

[Paragon]

Hi cubbex :)

It is normal to say no to someone that you are kind of in love (I don't know how to say it in english), because I don't want to be with someone if there is no porpuse, not learning or... whatever way you can do something important, or give your time to something that just take your time and effort on some illusion.... ok I think I just have answered myself.

Im sorry, I know english is not your first language, but I'm not sure what you mean here. Are you saying that she may be still in love, but that she needs to learn from this herself and move on? Or even if I am still in 'love', that I should try focus on something other than her?

Have you lived something like this? That you were almost falling in some decision that tooks you to nothing?

Are you asking me if I regret splitting up? If so I do not overall even though it hurts like hell, because I have progressed a bit in becoming closer to understanding objective reality, and that feels liberating :)

It kind of hurts becaus I as almost all of my age want to have this experience but this thoughts are so strong that I can't do it, I can't do it, lot of reason do not let me do this. Lot of people criticize me, that I will not live what I could and whatever... BUT HELL!!! I want something beyon the physical limits and romanticism, some kind of friend or something.

If you are talking about the experience of many young people who are very much influenced by 'A' influences, to go out and drink and meet girls/guys at clubs, then that's brilliant you realise how much of an illusion it all is. Do you ever go out with your friends and do this cubbex? Or have you got to a point where you can just say no, because your real self, the essence, tells you that it's all false and misleading? I wish I could do this because I spend hours looking at the material here and it resonates within me, but another part of me, the predator, enjoys going out too much. Personally this year for me I feel that hopefully, I shall bounce between these two parts of me, before my real self is stronger than my desire to go out. Time shall tell! :)

 

[truth seeker]

Yes it does appear she doesn't want to be friends. I just find that very hard to accept. I think I may have a feeding problem because I sometimes get an very strong urge to check up on her facebook page and see if she has a boyfriend or something, telling myself that when she does, then it will be easier to move on. It's like a flood of sexual energy that needs to be satisfied on some sick way. And Because I have dealt with that before with my first love and perhaps because it's something I know how to deal with, my predator uses that as an excuse to check up?

Or an excuse to feed.

This may be perhaps the reason she said i was trying too hard when we met up after splitting. We both could have been projecting ideals of each other also?

Quite possible. In fact, I would say probable.

Yes, how I felt, how I need to be with her, never mind what is best for her. My goodness my selfishness there is apparent to see. It truly is astounding to see it mirrored back! It is sobering to think that I wasn't very good to her and is one of the reasons she didn't want to take me back, among perhaps her needing to be single herself. I feel a need to possess her and have her for myself, no one is allowed her but me though I can see my selfishness, a part of me is screaming " they can't know what it was like! Or I'm not giving the full story and they can't ever know that so their advice is never going to be right!". It's very i dunno, weird to see two in me, both conflicting with one another, one wiser and telling me to stop wasting energy on her (easier said than done pal! :)) and one just wanting to be with her no matter what. I have cornered my predator?

Interesting isn't it? Your predator is fighting for its food.

A big part of me is really against idea that we are not meant to be and that we are not on the same path. It's like we need to be on the same path or I feel like I have lost something. It's a very big voice actually if I observe it.

Yes, take note of the flavor of possession in that.

I think the hardest part is realising she probably had to go out and be single too. I was always very paranoid about this when she went on holiday with the girls, and she didn't do anything because she was so loyal to me, but I still could not get over my jealousy. The sad thing is , when she came back and this was 2009 so not recently, I cheated on her because of the energy expended in worrying about her on holiday, I felt i had to get back at her, even though she never done anything!! Even worse she caught me kissing another girl. I still feel mass guilt over that. I hurt her so much that night. At the time my ego was massive but deep down I knew it was wrong to feel that and go through with it, even though I was drunk and that's not an excuse. And she even took me back after that! Bah to the predator!

So it seems that a lot of the relationship was about you and your needs. Can you see how your predator continues to want to feed by contacting her? It may be starving right now because you are not in any relationship currently. If we look at this objectively, it may be that what you considered to be love and being "meant to be" was and is really just a desire to possess and feed off someone who allowed you to. The fact that she allowed your ego to act out is what you enjoyed about the relationship. I tried to phrase that as gently as possible and hope it doesn't read as harsh.

Perhaps now you can take comfort in knowing that she desires more than the above now. If you can step back and see that she's doing what she feels is best for herself, perhaps it will enable you to really start to understand her choice from her point of view. Maybe if you turn the situation around or put an imagined daughter in her place, think about what you would want for yourself and/or that child. While I understand that you are no longer that person, the trust has been broken and you are both in different places now. Would you want her to come back to you out of pity or because she was worn down?

What is it that you want for the best part of her?

 

[cubbex]

Hi cubbex :)

Im sorry, I know english is not your first language, but I'm not sure what you mean here. Are you saying that she may be still in love, but that she needs to learn from this herself and move on? Or even if I am still in 'love', that I should try focus on something other than her?

Are you asking me if I regret splitting up? If so I do not overall even though it hurts like hell, because I have progressed a bit in becoming closer to understanding objective reality, and that feels liberating :)


If you are talking about the experience of many young people who are very much influenced by 'A' influences, to go out and drink and meet girls/guys at clubs, then that's brilliant you realise how much of an illusion it all is. Do you ever go out with your friends and do this cubbex? Or have you got to a point where you can just say no, because your real self, the essence, tells you that it's all false and misleading? I wish I could do this because I spend hours looking at the material here and it resonates within me, but another part of me, the predator, enjoys going out too much. Personally this year for me I feel that hopefully, I shall bounce between these two parts of me, before my real self is stronger than my desire to go out. Time shall tell! :)

I am referring that yes, I am in love but not real love I think(I don't even get to know what real love is), but it is like yes there is romance, yes there is those incredible moments but after that? I do not find other purpose so I say to myself as you say that my essence do not let me do it, I see it as use a girl for a moment and then drop her.
And I ask about, knowing that you don't need some relationship, but you don't care, and go and have a relationship. I remember before doing the EE program that these things was so special to me, and that I was a jealous person.

And the experience I was talking about is have a girlfriend, not go to drink and have lot of parties, I don't like alcohol and dance like a chimp. It is hard to me to find someone whom let me be as I am, uncritically about me. But maybe I demand lot of things, but even though I can't lie to me and the other person.


I share this because I was thinking about it, and what Laura talks in other threads. I've found that what others (just some, because some can identify the root of the feeling) call love is maybe a chemical reaction of the body and not real and deep love. The time shall tell!! lol I have a lot to live.

EDIT: Explain better

 

[durabone]

We had an interesting conversation about this last night, some ideas I thought I might share.

Kind of a interesting question: Does the societal emphasis on 'appearances' create more marriages wherein one or both partners don't actually care/"give a darn" about the other?

Another question: Does the act of marrying someone you don't actually care about show a lack of integrity? If you think yes, then are there exceptions?

 

[Menna]

Tough questions I feel like I need to be given details of a certain relationship or an example to come up with an answer its hard to say yes or no to either you will only get opinions.

Do I think that some people are so materialistic that they view their partner as an object or do I think other horrible things like this happen yea. I think for the most part people are selfish and they don't think and it can be very destructive

 

[Menna]

and reading the dialog between paragon and truth seaker just helped me realize a few things. The ah ha moments if you will. This might be what the C's are talking about when they say network. But to truly network you need to strip down the bull**** and have someone point out what they already know. At least that is one way that works not the only way

 

[truth seeker]

Kind of a interesting question: Does the societal emphasis on 'appearances' create mo marriages wherein one or both partners don't actually care/"give a darn" about the other?

That could be the case. It could also be societal emphasis on not being alone. This can hook into people's already existent narcissistic wounding via their fears.

Another question: Does the act of marrying someone you don't actually care about show a lack of integrity? If you think yes, then are there exceptions?

I think that because we don't and can't at this time know what real STO love is that most people "think" they love the person they get involved with. Of course there are some that become involved with and even marry knowing full well that they don't have any real feelings for the person. I think in these cases. it can be tricky. Some are just plain pathological, so no integrity. Others may lie to themselves: "This is the best I can do.", "This is what I deserve.", "My need for comfort and need to feel safe trumps love, but perhaps I will grow to love them.", etc. If they have integrity, it will probably bother them on some level but they will convince themselves otherwise. My thoughts.

 

[DianaRose]

Hey

Interesting topic, I haven't read all the pages yet, but I'll try to later.
Actually it is specially an interesting topic for me because I never tru I'm 16, 17 this year and I never had a boyfriend.
I think part of it is because of my upbringing, there always been this sort of understatement made by my sister that I shouldn't have a boyfriend until...I don't know actually until when. And I lived by this rule until one year and half ago.You'll ask why your sister, what does your mother has to say about it but well my sister always been more of a mother to me and my mother always been the woman who gave birth to me but on whom I can't count on.

But not only that, a part of me just felt worthless and inadequate, so never tried to go out with anyone because of it. Also I must admit that relationship with people especially romantic one always came last in my list of priority, I play tennis and you could say that it was my boyfriend, lol.

As of now, why am single, I think I'm a mess mentally, there is just to much internal work to do. At the moment I seriously wonder love even is, I think I never truly loved anyone nor anything, even my familly. I care about people but I don't think I love them. At time I wonder if I'm not merely a psychopath, I'm not sure I have the capacity to love.

 

[Nienna]

Hey

Interesting topic, I haven't read all the pages yet, but I'll try to later.
Actually it is specially an interesting topic for me because I never tru I'm 16, 17 this year and I never had a boyfriend.
I think part of it is because of my upbringing, there always been this sort of understatement made by my sister that I shouldn't have a boyfriend until...I don't know actually until when. And I lived by this rule until one year and half ago.You'll ask why your sister, what does your mother has to say about it but well my sister always been more of a mother to me and my mother always been the woman who gave birth to me but on whom I can't count on.

But not only that, a part of me just felt worthless and inadequate, so never tried to go out with anyone because of it. Also I must admit that relationship with people especially romantic one always came last in my list of priority, I play tennis and you could say that it was my boyfriend, lol.

As of now, why am single, I think I'm a mess mentally, there is just to much internal work to do. At the moment I seriously wonder love even is, I think I never truly loved anyone nor anything, even my familly. I care about people but I don't think I love them. At time I wonder if I'm not merely a psychopath, I'm not sure I have the capacity to love.

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your mother. It can really do some terrible things to a person when the one who is supposed to care and nurture them does not do so. That would be why you feel "worthless and inadequate."

It would be a big help for you to read the Narcissism Big 5 in the recommended books list if you haven't already. The fact that you are (soon to be) 17 means that you can get a head start on all of us older folks who didn't know about the Work and cleaning our machines. :) Reading up on these psychology books will help you to discover why you feel the way you do and how to overcome these programs that you have ended up with in order to cope with daily life.

As far as wondering what love is. I would like to suggest you read the thread On Love started by Perceval. It may help to clear some things up for you, or not. :)

As far as wondering about if you are a psychopath or not, there is a lot of people who have been hurt, or neglected, so much, that they have learned not to feel anything for fear of being hurt more. The fact that you care for people shows that you are not a psychopath, just a very wounded person. Psychopaths do not care for anyone but themselves.

Also, if you haven't read In Search of the Miraculous by Ouspensky, you make want to do this, too. It really shows how to Work on yourself, and the Narcissism books show you how to deal with the things you find out about yourself as you clean your machine.

 

[cubbex]

Hey

Interesting topic, I haven't read all the pages yet, but I'll try to later.
Actually it is specially an interesting topic for me because I never tru I'm 16, 17 this year and I never had a boyfriend.
I think part of it is because of my upbringing, there always been this sort of understatement made by my sister that I shouldn't have a boyfriend until...I don't know actually until when. And I lived by this rule until one year and half ago.You'll ask why your sister, what does your mother has to say about it but well my sister always been more of a mother to me and my mother always been the woman who gave birth to me but on whom I can't count on.

But not only that, a part of me just felt worthless and inadequate, so never tried to go out with anyone because of it. Also I must admit that relationship with people especially romantic one always came last in my list of priority, I play tennis and you could say that it was my boyfriend, lol.

As of now, why am single, I think I'm a mess mentally, there is just to much internal work to do. At the moment I seriously wonder love even is, I think I never truly loved anyone nor anything, even my familly. I care about people but I don't think I love them. At time I wonder if I'm not merely a psychopath, I'm not sure I have the capacity to love.

Indeed you are wounded. Do what Nienna have recommended, it will help you so much. I have little by little, and found step by stept that what nienna says its true, if you are wounded by psycho or narcissist beings, or some sociopath, or it doesn't care what it was. What matter is it has wounded you, so you should heal yourself to live free at least of those symptoms you describe.

I have lived the same, so no problem, you are not a psycho. Its just that there is no one that deserves to be loved by you.