gotogo
Jedi Master
I can say I received natural mother's love but I don't know if I received something similar from my father.
He was there always but he never be able to relate with me as a father.
I understand now he himself is a result of 'narcissistic' family.
He was born in Manchuria before World War 2 but soon after he was born his parents divorced and came back with his mother to Japan. But Goto family was a such traditional 'samurai' family that he (still as a baby) was treated in 'narcissistic' way to register him as aunt's child for the reason his mother can marry other man soon after.
Devotion wan not accepted in such family at that time. In Asia, the family is a big concept that include all relatives and usually live physically closer. He was raised by his aunt in this family where everybody knows what happened to him. He should be belonging the main house but because of what happened he lived in a separated apartment with his aunt. He does not receive natural love from real mother nor father at all!
He starts talking about himself little by little recently but still does not want to talk about his childhood.
It is possible that he may not be able to remember them because of 'Dissociation'.
Thanks to 'Big 4', I now understand what is going on more objectively.
He was a very passive person, working for the same company from the age of 13 (it is common at that period in Japan after World War 2) until he retired as the age of 65. He simply does not know how to be a father. He just sit silently reading news papers at the table.
He may have a 'narcissistic wound' that prevents him to speak out his opinion strongly.
As a result, he never interfere with my free will by posing his opinions on me though.
But a factor I now recall and understand in my psychology resulted in my father's non-existent presence can be called missing a specific father/man model. I assume a child specially boy learns how to be a man or father through communicating with father in very practical situations.
To be honest, I had not thought about this factor was important until I read 'Big 4'.
With flashing back some memories in my child food, I now understand this factor is very important in order to understand myself and cleanse my Emotional center.
One of such memories was when I was around 10, I cried at home blaming my father why he can not play with me like my friend's fathers do. I was interested in playing baseball at that time and knew my friends do catch-ball with their father.
It turned out that he simply was not able to do such things nor even able to throw a ball straight.
Do you know what? He can not ride a bicycle either. Nobody ever taught him!
I now understand how miserable he felt when he heard such requests from his son. :(
Anyway, I think from this event I could not ask him again.
Instead, I started to learn whatever I need by myself.
I still feel emotional by thinking what if I had a father who navigate me to 'next step' in very practical situations.
A son brings a very practical problem such as "I can not hit a ball well...".
Then a healthy father comes like "Let's got to the park then. Bring a bat and ball, ok?".
"Show me how you swing."
"See your chine is up. Then you don't see the ball, right?"
"Grab the bat like this. ok?"
"Then swing! ... See you hit the ball!"
I can imagine how a boy trusts his father 100% and concentrate on his 'next step'.
I think that is why I needed to study Education at University to try to solve my 'next step' problems.
At puberty, I think what happened in my psychology was trying to look for a father model that was missed or not built in specific/practical base. The models I used were Albert Einstein, Richard Feynman, Alexander Grothendieck and some communist heroes... I read their biography to live through my puberty issues that are new and unknown at that time. I remember I felt strange to see my friends do not seem to have such strong needs to look for such models.
"Unholy Hunger" describes such case as the absence of the Good Father archetype (p154).
Later the model changed to Rudolf Steiner, Gurdjieff, Conscious Being (and now a STO candidate! ).
I do make tremendous efforts.
I do my best as a computer programmer at work also.
But I kind of knew there is an unnatural 'hunger' in my psychology behind these 'tremendous' efforts.
'Vampire' due to missing a specific father/man model, the absence of the Good Father archetype.
Are there someone who has smiler experiences?
If so, can I know how you Work with such 'Unholy Hungers' inside?
Thank you for reading a long post.
He was there always but he never be able to relate with me as a father.
I understand now he himself is a result of 'narcissistic' family.
He was born in Manchuria before World War 2 but soon after he was born his parents divorced and came back with his mother to Japan. But Goto family was a such traditional 'samurai' family that he (still as a baby) was treated in 'narcissistic' way to register him as aunt's child for the reason his mother can marry other man soon after.
Devotion wan not accepted in such family at that time. In Asia, the family is a big concept that include all relatives and usually live physically closer. He was raised by his aunt in this family where everybody knows what happened to him. He should be belonging the main house but because of what happened he lived in a separated apartment with his aunt. He does not receive natural love from real mother nor father at all!
He starts talking about himself little by little recently but still does not want to talk about his childhood.
It is possible that he may not be able to remember them because of 'Dissociation'.
Thanks to 'Big 4', I now understand what is going on more objectively.
He was a very passive person, working for the same company from the age of 13 (it is common at that period in Japan after World War 2) until he retired as the age of 65. He simply does not know how to be a father. He just sit silently reading news papers at the table.
He may have a 'narcissistic wound' that prevents him to speak out his opinion strongly.
As a result, he never interfere with my free will by posing his opinions on me though.
But a factor I now recall and understand in my psychology resulted in my father's non-existent presence can be called missing a specific father/man model. I assume a child specially boy learns how to be a man or father through communicating with father in very practical situations.
To be honest, I had not thought about this factor was important until I read 'Big 4'.
With flashing back some memories in my child food, I now understand this factor is very important in order to understand myself and cleanse my Emotional center.
One of such memories was when I was around 10, I cried at home blaming my father why he can not play with me like my friend's fathers do. I was interested in playing baseball at that time and knew my friends do catch-ball with their father.
It turned out that he simply was not able to do such things nor even able to throw a ball straight.
Do you know what? He can not ride a bicycle either. Nobody ever taught him!
I now understand how miserable he felt when he heard such requests from his son. :(
Anyway, I think from this event I could not ask him again.
Instead, I started to learn whatever I need by myself.
I still feel emotional by thinking what if I had a father who navigate me to 'next step' in very practical situations.
A son brings a very practical problem such as "I can not hit a ball well...".
Then a healthy father comes like "Let's got to the park then. Bring a bat and ball, ok?".
"Show me how you swing."
"See your chine is up. Then you don't see the ball, right?"
"Grab the bat like this. ok?"
"Then swing! ... See you hit the ball!"
I can imagine how a boy trusts his father 100% and concentrate on his 'next step'.
I think that is why I needed to study Education at University to try to solve my 'next step' problems.
At puberty, I think what happened in my psychology was trying to look for a father model that was missed or not built in specific/practical base. The models I used were Albert Einstein, Richard Feynman, Alexander Grothendieck and some communist heroes... I read their biography to live through my puberty issues that are new and unknown at that time. I remember I felt strange to see my friends do not seem to have such strong needs to look for such models.
"Unholy Hunger" describes such case as the absence of the Good Father archetype (p154).
Later the model changed to Rudolf Steiner, Gurdjieff, Conscious Being (and now a STO candidate! ).
I do make tremendous efforts.
I do my best as a computer programmer at work also.
But I kind of knew there is an unnatural 'hunger' in my psychology behind these 'tremendous' efforts.
'Vampire' due to missing a specific father/man model, the absence of the Good Father archetype.
Are there someone who has smiler experiences?
If so, can I know how you Work with such 'Unholy Hungers' inside?
Thank you for reading a long post.